Danielle_24

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Well,
Being I have a little time o myself, I guess I can share how I feel, now that I know I am accepted
Lets see, first I feel happy, joyous, and excited. I am also anxcious, I want  this done by Christmas, (the best Christmas present ever!, Well, besides Jesus) so I wonder if I got approved in time.....hhmmmm

For those who read my blogs previously to this messsage may have noticed a change to my profile........ a picture. I know, it seems dumb and all, but I really didn't want to post a pic unitl I knew that it would change...... I look pretty chubby in this one, but at l can blame my prenancy on that, (6 months) but we all know that I didn't join this site and apply for WLS for no reason.


N e ways, I have posed a few blogs recenly on a few forums about preparation, and whether iWLS and losing afterwards was a mental or physical thing. This is what I have concluded. Mental mostly, physical slightly although more physical is given towards the end of the weight loss journey. 

Although I have never been my proper BMI in YEARS I did lose 60 pounds about 5 years ago at weight watchers, and it left me at 164 pounds.  I felt great, it was when I caught the eye of my husband now of three plus years and developed a sense of self woth and confidence. I got a job at a massage parler, that I never worked at b/c I was required to bring lingerie to work........yikess........ but it made me feel good that I looked so fine. I started geting invited to peoples houses and parties and hit on, and I was a size 10!
I remember thinking, boy, I still look fat, and looking in he mirror and noticing no difference, none at all. Just big ole fat Danielle. I remember I went shopping with a few girls from my youth group and I ALWAYS thought they were the perfec size, and I fit into smaller skirs then them.... alhough when hey passed me the item I laughed in my head, and requested that no one come in the room with me, just in case they don't fit. I came out happy, b/c they 11/12 was loose.

As  I gained that weight back, had two kids and gained an additional 25lbs through it all, I noticed the huge changes that I once enjoyed. It was harder to get hired, to make friends... I felt tired a lot and I began dreading, yes, DREADING things like restaurant booths, and rollercoaster rides. I might not fit. I hated being seen even in my beach chairs b/c when I sit, my but hangs out the sides. 

The absolute worst part is my job. I am a montessori teacher, and many kids (only whne they firs meet me) are scared. I see it in their faces, and it is b/c of my weight. hey love skinny teachers, bigger ones, not so much.  I also need to move around and up and down alot. I get tired so fast, I want to be with the kids and enjoy our time together, not cringing every time I bend down to help one of them.

I shared some of this with my mother today, knowing I am going to get he surgery kinda freed my emotional barrier, and I needed toi tell someone aout all the feelings I have been harbouring for so long. So I shared with her about how I felt discriminated against, job wise and such. So she decides to share a story with me...............and here it goes, I am paraphrasing.

        "So your father has been doing all these jobs right, so I suggesed that he hires ******* (name protected) b/c he has no job right now. And your dad says, 'I can't hire him, you got to move around alot under a car, and he can't do it.' I was sooo hurt by what your father said, I know  ****** is heavy but he can do the job. Anyways, I told your Dad, I bet people have said that about your daughter!"

............... I was soooo hurt by that comment. I know I am big, but I tell myself otherwise and I put myself in this little box, and I make myslef believe I am not as big as I really am. BUt when people says things like this.......I mean ouch! Usually my mom is super supportive, but I guess sometimes she forgets about my feelings. I cried a bit after that. and to think I was calling her about my good news.

Well, I got to go. My husband is on midnights, pulling 13 hours a day and needs some cuddle time.
Chow

So I called OHIP to check on my status......
I had no call back yesterday, but today the lady called me. And guess what.....she said that a letter will sent sent via  purolator tomorrow, and that I, "would be very happy"


So I will be joinging the rest of you guys shortly!

Danielle

(I am so happy right now I feel as though I could float around my house)

So I called OHIP early this morning, left a messgae, just like last tuesday %^), but unlike last tuesday, they didn't call me back. So.... is it paranoid to think that he reason they didn't call back was becasue the answer is already on its way? Or is it that no one checked the messages today???
I can't help but wonder, I mean, I have waited pretty long now, and everyone I have alked to is being fairly positive about my situation........hmmmm.

I have also been wondering, what kind of work is required of me after sugery. I am totally pumped, and already do the gym thing, and supplementing with protein shakes and stuff to prepare myself. Some people say that it was tons of work, while others say, "i just kept comming off no matter what I did."  For the people who say it is work, is i a mental thing, where you battle yourself? or a physical struggle to get the extra weight off? Ihope to be able to answer my question some day, but it sure would be nice to prepare myself, mentally if I have too, among other things.

D.S.

Well, I called OHIP on tuesday and my papers are still sitting in a filing cabinet, and haven't been looked at yet. *sigh*
I am now finishing my 5th week of waiting, and as of monday, will be starting my 6th.  OHIP said that it will take 6 to eight weeks right now. I was hoping to get my surgery befroe Christmas, but it looks like I won't be able to until the new year. At this point, I am just eager in anticiapation for what I will feel like and look like next year this time. I mean, my problmes are not serious, but they are they. groinding knees, and sore back, and ankles (which i have sprained so many times my right is permantely injured) and my BMI being, 43 must be accepted.
Im not sure if it is weird or not, but I keep looking in the mirror, and try to see what I will look like. I mean, I fell gross and heavy right now, but I think my eyes and high cheek bones are beautiful. will I lose that? will i look better? I look at before and after pics, and some people look so different, I don't want to. I want to still look like me. well, i don't even have a date yet ..... well, I hope I will have good news in the coming week.

Danielle.

Happy Thanksgiving! (Well, for all of the Canadians! )
     Well, it seems that another week has come and gone, meaning I am now officaillly in my fifthe week of waiting. I was hoping to have a response by the end of last week (as OHIP responded the first time in two weeks, I was hoping the same would happen now) but no letter of approval yet. I figure with the long weekend that the workers at OHIP would do oneof two things, a) just hurry and do thier quota to get out early or b) screw with mail, and partae! ( I now can onlyt assume the second lol)
     Well, as you know my month of utter and complete business and craziness will come to a halt as of tomarrow, (my youngest sisters birthday) and will not get busy until Halloween. I can finally rest, and just do my everyday stuff without running like a chicken with her head cut off, or worse staying up til 3 or 4 am to finish a project that I presented to my friends for thier wedding day! It was a devoti onal calandar, one for every month of thier marriage until dec 2010. It was difficult, and many, many, MANY, hours were put into creating devotions, (my husband and I wrote ourselves) and finding the perfect pictures and page design to go with it. And yes, it was a beautiful wedding, cold for pics, but I brought blankets! I was so happy to see those two finally get together, and it just fills me with joy when people fall in love, and marry, ahhhhh, sweet memories, past present and future! I am looking forward to talking to them, seeing of they "started a fight" or if it was just plain old "happy fun time!" lol
      Anyways, I got a little off topic. Originally I was hoping to get my surgery done in December. I know, I know, I miss be on liquids for Christmas and New Years, but seriously, I don't even care any more. I mean, I have been dtruggling with food addiction for so long that I think I am finally sick and tired of being sick and tired! Food isn't the end all, and recently I have gotten better, and better at makig healthy choices. I have also started to drink liquid meals in the morning, in hoipes that I will adjust better right after the surgery. I am sooo proud of me! Something, I haven't felt in a long time. 
    Another thing I haven't done in a long time is go on a trampoline, which I did today, with my toddler. It was wierd, I actually went out and tried to play with her from the ground, andall I could think was, "My fat will jiggle," and "I will hit the ground," (which has happened in the past,  )  But after about ten minutes of heavy mental debate and my toddler asking me to play with her about a gazillion times, I did. And... I didn't hit the ground! In fact I had fun, and played for another ten minutes before I had to get off, (I was slightly winded, being I had to carry my toddler while jumping. While also jumping with my 7 year old neice, who I made go higher with nearly every jump. Boy, did I feel it, I guess my next goal is to go on e and stay  on for a good twnety minutes without getting winded!

Dear God,
Lord, you are mighty, you are awsome, you are powerful and thank you so much for being those things. And I just realized that as we went around the table today, sharing our thankfulness', no one meantioned you, and God, I am very thankful for you. You saved us, you saved me, and best of all, your gift was free. Tahnk you giving sooo much to me, I don't deserve to be in your presence, let alone spend eternity with you. Thank you. God i asl want to thank you for the Srah and Brabden's wedding, please bless them in thier new life together. I also pray for my letter to come soon, adn I pray Lord that you will grant me this opporuntiy to change, to give me a fresh start on health and life. You know the desire of my heart, and I pray that my desire are in your will. God, I want this so bad, please do not deny me this. I pray also for my husband. He is at a crossroads with what to do in his future. With all his schooling, and his current job God, he knows you have something more,but he doesn't know what. Please confirm to him what you want from him. I love you, thank you. In jesus name,  I pray these things,
Amen.

Until next time.

Don't be confused! Well, I am starting my fourth week. My nerves are high again, but not because I am worried about the surgery, I am more anxious about my anwser. Three weeks ago I knew Ihad a wait in front of me. Now, its sooo close. Last Monday I went to the doctors, OHIP had sent them a message stating that they wanted more info, dispite the fact that I sent all the info they needed day one, the doctor had to resend it. He had told me before I sent anything to make up a chart of attempted diets and illness's and such, so I did. But, I guess they want it, only when they ask specifically for it. But anyways, I did the math, if they answer my papers as fast as they did the first time it will be delivered on friday.

Anyways, my entire family knows now. And praise God, because they all are soo behind me, and suppportive. I can't believe how I thought they would never support me. My biggest issue though was my husband. He is all nerves, (yes, more then me) and at first he would say things like, 'sometimes it fails', 'this is pointless', 'I'd rather pay for weght watchers', 'you look fine the way you are', etc.  It was hard, I want him to be on the samr boat as me, or would not be able to do this. Anyways, it finally happened thta he opened up to me, he told me that the real reason was he couldn't live without me, and feared death, and sickness, and most of all that I would be less attracted to him, becuase he is heavy set too.  I made sure he knew the truth, I will always love him, and on dyas when its hard, I promised I would love him the next day, lol. FInally everything is coming together, and my heart is now ready or this change.

Now there is something wierd that I have been going through recently, its weird. Everytime I eat I think, 'will I be able to eat this soon?' 'how much' or 'oh my, can Ireally give this up?' or example, I wen to a wedding last night and had a small peice of cake. I wanted to sneak back and get another one, but fought myself, and told myself that I dind't need it. It worked! But (hereis where it gets strange) on my way home I felt like I majory missed out on something, and started to regret not eating another peice. Why? I know I don't want it, I don't need it but I was mourning food! And worst of all was that it was completely natural feeling! I didn't make myself think of it, I just did. In fact I actually verbalised to my Husband, to help convince myself thatit was the best choice I made.
Am I that hard wired to eat? I just want to know why. Why food is on my head, instead of my children or my husband or my incredibly busy schedule these past few weeks......... It doesn't make any sense.... well, I gotta pray for that.

I also told some of my close friends about the surgery. I guess I was so sonfident with my family's decision to support me, I feel courageous enough to share with others. My responses were few, most stayed quite, others showed little interest. One of my best friends, who ill be standing as the matron of honour for this ssaturday, has taken the most interest. My guess is becasue she knows another person who did it year sago and looks beautiful today. I love her so much, and I was glad that she has showed interest. My other best friend was completely into it, wow, she showed support and everything right away. Boy, do I have Good friends! I read so many things about people losing friends, it scared me. I'm not going to lie, the majority of my friends are heavy people, in fact I think only 4 or so are at decently healthy weights. So with the majority of them being big, its wierd to talk about this kind of stuff. I am definately the largest though, tipping the scales at a whopping 248 pounds, and with my height of only 5 foot 3 1/2 inches, it lookes bad. I also believe that I am the largest friend, so who will be the largest after me? I personally hope thats not how my friends are thinking, but by some of their responses, I fear it may be so. Maybe my doing this will encourage others to make a change in thier lives, for the better, ya never know.

Well, on a lighter note (soon more will be lighter noters, lol), I have been studying God word a lot recently, being I and my husband are making a devotional study for my firneds wedding. It's fun, be many times convicting. There are lesson and I proceed to write, then literally experience them that same day.... it really showed me that I have to keep working at my marriage, although its not in trouble, I want to never lose that special bond Matt and I have. And this really reminded me.  I hope it will bless Sarah and Branden as much as me.

Dear God,
Thank you for showing me who you are, and where I need to be this past week. And I pray God that by my decision to change my life, that I will hurt no one. Instead please allow us to encourage eachother, and grow stronger together! God I also want to thank you for giving me soooo much support in my family. They are all so awesome, and I know its because you made them that way. And thank you, thnak you, thank you for helping Matt come around. You knew my heart couldn't do it without him. Please help me make better choices in what I should eat, and with ec\xercise. Sometimes I just don't want to leave my house and work out, other times I will purposely find other things to do. Please encourage my going to the gym, and also with food God, I need yo to help me make better choices, I tried on my own and I can't do it. I need you to help me, every step of the way. You are y God, thank you, you are more awesome then the people you placed in my life and you are my strength. Carry me thorgh God, and please let the answer come swift. I also want to life up my new friend to you God, she is going through the same thing I am Lord, please give her that support that she needs with her friends and family, but most importantly God, her husband. Please let him see that the only thing that will change is her dress size and her conidence in herself. I ask thee things in Jesus' holy and precious name, Amen.

It is the end of week two waiting for approval.
 
My nerves jumped this week, thiking about my insides being rearranged, and what I should tell to all of my family and friends (if I ever get approved). Reading forums I see people experience mental catch up and peolple suffering with thier friends and family not accepting them, (not everyone, but some) and it was the relationships being hurt that scared me. To think that my friends and family coudn;t understand my situationa dn the change I had to make, or losing respect, becasue I did it the "easy" way. I couldn't tkae that, and for thast reason have stalled on telliong the people I love the most.

I had to share though, if I hold it in I just overthink it. So I choose my youngest sister, she has been less inclined to judge in the past, being she was the rebel, and so many people have judge her, I think she just understands. Anyways, I shared with her briefly, no emotional attcahments, just told her I was lookiung into it and was hopeful to recieving OHIP approval. 
It funny think think that I told her, she has the opposite problem that I do.

Needless to say she told my mother and my mother brough it to my attention today. All she did was fill me with love, and encouragement. She is full gun fo rthe idea and understand my pain, she said she remembers my struggle as a teen and now that she is going through menopause, and has her hormones out of whack, she herself is having difficulty taking offf weight that dropped so easily before.  I'm currently in tears, at the time I was to shocked to cry. I love my mother sooooooooo much. I no longer fear telling the rest my family, if thats the kind of suppport I will recieve, I will be successful.

I poplan to call Ohip on monday and check my status. I am no longer worried about anything. My nerves have calmed and my heart is ready now too, not just my mind.

Thank you family your support is overwhleming.

Dear God,
YOu are mighty, ou are awesome, and i am nothing compared to you. Tahnk you for being her, for being with me. I was so scared God, I didn't want to lose respect of my family, they mean everytihg to me, and this week you showed me how insecure I am, and how I transfer that to my family so easily when its really all in my head. Thankyou for your love, and for giving my famly sooo much love for me. Please halp me continue and to better make decisions about my health and food intake. I want to be healthy spiritually too God, not just for me. Please allow Ohip to quickly review my form and accept me, so that I may start this journey to health and outward happiness, and I pray also that you continue to be my inward hapiness God, and encouragemtn through it all. I love you so much God, you bless the unblessable.
In Jesus Precious name.
Amen,
 

Yeah, it seems like forever, despite the fact it has only really been a week. But other issues have arrived.
So I stood in a wedding in May, 6 months pregnant, and the dress I picked (for a wedding I will also be  standing in this October) was the perfect fit and made me look beautiful pregnant. I tried it on yesternight, and again today....... I still look ppregnant, and the dress doesn't fit me at all.... OMG(goodness)! So I balled my eyes out all day, went to  the gym, (although I don't know why) and tried to find a corsette to help me fit this dress and look descent. No luck though. but the worst part wasn't not fitting into a dress that I paid hundreds of dollars for, the worst was at the gym, I gained 3 pounds...... 3 POUNDS!.....  I shared my distress with my husband and he threw a fit, made me a salad (aka lettice, and nothing else not even dresssing) Make sme feel real good. The he told me that I had to change my thinkging.....I know that already.... and goes on saying that i must not be asking God to help me..... shows how much he knows. Like I have never asked for help a gazillion times before...... according to him its just not good enough though.
My problem is sugars, and sneaking. I convinced my husband to help me by stop purchasing sugar products, (intrade for salt?) Im looking into RNY and that would stop both.......heavy over eating and sugar consumption 
He doesn't think so though....... he thinks it is a watse of an operation. I feel completely discouraged and disgusting when he says stuff like that.
Another thing I was looking to do the past week was that I wanted to start eating heathly, (I was out saturday so he went shoping for us) he bought pizza, pizza, pizzza, sausages, and  4 containers of pringles(apparently on sale!) Like what is a food addict going to do if those things aree in the house.... hum lets see. Probably stuff them down her fat throat!
I neve buys those things for that very reason. And he just can't handle it, he yells, and leaves the house, I feel... so depresed when he does stuff like that. Its like he has no faith in me....
I think I will post this as an issue on a board... I need something positive in my life right now.

It's amazing how slowly time goes when you are waiting for a life changing event. Although it has only been 4 days since the letter was mailed, I cant help myself to youtube all the WLS's and RNY journeys and video blogs. So far I haved learned
it is really hard to lose the weight, that all is not done but surgery alone, but a life style change.
I am wiling to admit that I knew someone who had surgery, and lost a lot of weight. I was never really close to her, seen her at new years, halloween and such and hanging around my sister's house (they were neighbours) But once she lost the weight, she stopped coming around. An dother friends of mine who went to church with her and hung out on a weekly basis told me about her surgery...... she was green with envy (I was a little jealous too, but in a way that I desired her happiness and thin healthy life, not becasue she now wore a smaller waist size then me). Being obese herself, (although not as big as her GB friend) she completely separted herself from her, and the stuff she said to e about her gave me a very negative mantra of surgery. People commented about how horrible it was that she could never eat honey again, or sugar, and that she is "too skinny" and just not herself. I was very misinformed, this girl was so jealous of her friend, she thought she was taking the cheap and fast way out.  
In hindsight I see how misinformation lead to a painful destruction of their friendship and when I seen the GB girl on facebook was amazed at the results, and how quickly it happend. Although I never see her now, b/c she has moved I want what she has...... thousands of pictures of her on facebook, and a big smile on her face everytime.  Life...... ah to enjoy it without limits, and the constant pressure of society and the judgment so easily passed onto me. 
 
I have also recently started to look  up pro's and cons of the surgery, being Im in for a long wait, I figure, hey might as well educate myself. N E ways, I found out a lot of things, like that OHIP will only cover RNY, because it is the WLS with the highest success rate and longest. I also discovered some hints, tips and tricks to eating after WLS and the mental challenges that many people face with quick weightloss. I am trying to prepare myself, (I knkow I havent been accepted yet, but I plan on losing weight no matter what, and my mind set HAS to change surgery or none.) I want o be ready physically, spiritually and mentally.

My most recent searches have been concerning "failed" RnY's, (as that would be the one I would do) and I found lots of results. Most however, were the same stroy copy and pasted to a site, and the same video, repeated. so in actuality I found hardly any! I then went into forums, and began to look, I found alot more on those, but many people claimed it was a bad surgery itself, no one said it was their own fault.............. I am not to sure how i feel about that. What I don't get is this......... How can a surgeon just stop caring for his patient, or  insurance not cover a botched surgery, I would imagine a lawyer would love to take a case like that....... I can't help but think that fault is at a personal level............ still not sure.
guess

It is official..........I'm waiting. waiting to see if this will be the rest of my life, or if I have a new life waiting for me. A life where I will no longer fear cameras, and mirrors. I can do it, I will do it........ I just need that confirmation letter.
Actually, I never even told my family what I plan on doing. Yeah, my husband knows.... but I asked him to keep it on the down low (DL) because, obviously they know I am big, but not the number. If they knew the actual weight..........I am so ashamed. I feel that they will look down on my, because I can't do this on my own, I have tried, and tried, and tried...... and they will tell me I can do it, just try again, that this is unnecessary. I guess its a good thing, that they would encourage me but they don't know what it is like. I have lots of "big" family members, aunts, uncles.... but mom, dad and sisters are of normal sizes that you can find at walmart. My little sister weighs 112, my big sister prob 150, (but she is 5 foot 8). And her tummy isn't flat it is concave........ then there is me. con curve. And losing my feminine structure to fat.
I have tried nearly every fad diet that promised results, purging, eating nothing, eating what they (my skinny mom and sisters) eat...... None of it works.
And even if they surprise me with, "we will support you, no matter what" if I don't get accepted..............if insurance says I can't get this..... I don't want them to know that I tried to get it. I'm already an emotional wreck, I actually went on the net, and researched how fast mail goes and decisions being made. LOL wow.
If this doesn't work, i will complete my order of clenbuterol..............it is already on my pay pal......just got to click send.
I am so desperate for help.

Dear God,
I come to you broken, and in need. I want to serve you God, want this so bad, I need this, to be healthy, to be happy and not always depressed about my weight. I read today in Jeremiah 31: 2 That "people who survive the sword WILL find favor in the desert". God please let this be my sword, I don't want to live like this any more, its not true living and not what you intended living to be. I am desperate for change, I want to serve you best I can, without being ashamed of me, to be on that stage and sing, God, I love to do it for you, but I hate myself up there, my body. I hide behind pulpits and speakers.......... My kids God, I am so tired most days I don't go for walks and play house, I want to though.......... I want to go to bed without my back, knees and ankles throbbing. Please let them accept me, please allow this process to be quick and please let it be your will. May your will be done. Lord, even if I don't get this, I will keep loving you and serving you as I am. You are almighty.
In Jesus' precious name, I pray these things,
Amen.