dsquire

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

It's been three years now. Hard to believe it's been that long. How my life has changed during this time.How I've changed over the last three years. Sometimes I feel I must be dreaming. I am truely blessed and thankful. What a lucky girl I am. I have my health back, a great family and a great boyfriend. Who loves me for me. And I am so happy. I've kept the weight off and I still watch everything I eat and weigh each morning and freak out if I am up a pound or two. I'm scared of gaining the weight back, don't think that will ever go away. Having the surgery was the best thing I ever did for myself.

I can't believe it.  Two years ago today I had my surgery. WOW!!! How my life has changed. How I have changed. It's amazing. I can honestly say my life is better. I still struggle with food on a daily bases. I don't think that will never change. I know that I am more sensitive and feel more. I think that is because I don't use food to deal with my feelings anymore. I'm still not use to the attention I receive from men or women. I am shy now when I never use to be. I have to say the surgery was the best thing I ever did for myself. I saved my life. I love my life.

Yesterday I was shopping and JcPenny's. Boy are they having some good sales right now. I decided I would try on a size 6 panties. Not thinking they would fit but thought I'd give it a try anyways. Low and behold they fit. That means I am down 20 sizes. That is just crazy and hard to believe. I held the pants up and they look so small. I find myself thinking I can't be that little. When I look in the mirror I don't look that small not me. Not sure if I will ever get use to it.
This week I had to go to a sales meeting for work. I thought all the people I work with had seen me. Guess not. I had a co-worker that came up to me half way through the meeting and say "I didn't even know that it was you." That to me is the nicest thing anyone can say to me. I am now one of the smallest women on the team where I use to be the biggest. Our VP came up to me to let me know I was looking good and she was very happy for me. Then like she always does asks how much I have lost. I always enjoy seeing the look on her face when I tell her. Believe me co-workers treat me different, they look at me different and they talk to me different. And it feels dam good. I think I have gain more respect from my team and they now see the person I always know I was but they could not see. It has been another amazing week. I have so much to be thankful for my life is AMAZING!!!!

Happy 2011!!! It's going to be another great year. I have so much to be thankful for. Things are going really well for me. I've kept off all my weight. Almost half the person I was when this all started 18 months ago. How time flies when we are having so much fun.  I am only having one problem and that is my sugar is low. I've had it as low at 47. Not a good feeling. So I am working on keeping it up. Guess I am not as sweet as I use to be. But I do feel good. I am looking at getting a tummy tuck and the extra skin removed from my inner thighs in April. The insurance will not cover this but I am getting it done. I'm worth the extra money. And you can't take it with you so you might as well spend it on yourself.  I am blessed with not having a lot of extra skin but I do have enough that it bothers me. I think the reason I don't have a lot of extra skin is because I started using lotion and baby oil after each shower way before I had the surgery. This maybe the reason and it may not be the reason. But let's go with it. This winter I have spent the of my money on sweaters. As I am a freeze baby now. Where I use to be hot all the time. Fat is good for one thing at least, warmth.  I now have someone special in my life. I told him I had weight lose surgery when we first met. And often refer to myself as "when I was a big girl." He really didn't understand how big I was before till I showed him my before pants a few weeks ago. I think it shocked him. At least it didn't scare him away. He said he is proud of me. He knows and understand my special eating requirements. Which is very helpful. And has not shared with his family that I have had surgery. Not that I would care if he did but it is nice that he hasn't. Sometimes people just look at you a little different when they find out. His family just thinks I don't eat sugar.
All I can say is life is good and I am very happy with all my results. How my life has changed for the better. May you be as blessed as I am.

I can't believe it I'm a size 8. They lady at the store asked what I was looking for, I said I want some boot cut dark jeans. What size she asked? I reply "I think a 10. I don't think I can get in to a 8." She pulls size 8 for me of three different brands. (we know that each brand runs different.) I'm was thinking to myself there is no way I am a 8. I tried those bad boys on and they fit.  My butt has never looked so good in a pair of jeans. Talk about a high. I bought all three pairs. I haven't had jeans fit this well and feel this good. I have to say they are the most  comfortable jeans I have ever worn. Granted I paid more for them then I usually do. But I really don't think I will get any smaller. How much smaller can I get????? I wore a pair of the jeans on a first date last night. He seemed to like them.  And so did a few other people in the area. What a great WOW moment. What a high!!! The only problem is I can't share this with my daughter or my friends. They don't seem to be as excited as I am about my size anymore. My relationships are strained. This has to be the hardest part of this whole surgery for me. I can honestly say I have never felt so alone. Guess it might be time to make some new friends and move on. It's sad. People come into our life's and leave our life's for a reason.
Anyways I'm a size 8 and excited as heck. My body is banging and I feel great.

I never thought I'd be called skinny or tiny.
I never thought I'd feeling more alone after I lost the weight then I did when I was fat, but sometimes I do.
I never thought my weight lose would affect some many life's, but it has. Some good and some bad.
I never thought I'd be able to run, but I can.
I never thought I'd be smaller then my 25 year old daughter.
I never thought I'd ask a doctor if I'm to skinny, but I did today.
I never thought I'd hate when I put on a pair of pants and they are to big, I'm tired of buying clothes.
I never thought I would ever be able to sleep with out a cpap machine, but I do.
I never thought people would treat me so different. It's sad.
I never thought I'd be the smallest out of all my friends.
I never thought I'd miss birthday cake so much.
I never thought I'd be off all me medication.
I never thought I'd look this different.
I never thought I'd like working out.
I never thought my boobs would be this small.
I never thought I would change my Net flex from 3 movies at a time to one, because I can't sit still long enough to watch one much less three.
I never thought I'd have to make myself eat during the day because I'm just not hungry.
I never thought being called to skinny would hurt my feelings just as much as being called fat.
I never thought so many people won't understand.
I never thought this journey was going to be easy or this hard.
I never thought I'd like flying as much as I do. Guess not having to ask for the seat belt extender makes all the difference in the world.
I never thought I'd ever not feel pain in my joints: back, legs, hips, knees.
I never thought I'd want a tummy tuck and a boob job.
I never thought I'd like high heel shoes as much I do. And wear them 5 out of 7 days.
I never thought I'd feel more like a lady.
I never thought I'd like my picture taken.
I never thought I'd be so active.
I never thought I'd like wearing shorts again.
I never thought I'd be thinking about buying a two piece bathing suit.
I never thought I'd hate protein shakes as much as I do.
I never thought that beef jerky, nuts, cheese and chili would be the stables of my diet.
I never thought I'd lose 87% of excess body weight.
I never thought I wouldn't miss fast food.
I never thought I'd be a size 10.
I never thought I'd become shy, but I have.
I never thought I'd enjoy snapping my bra in back so much. Instead of having to snap it in the front and turning it around.
I never thought I'd be able to feel my hip bones.
I never thought I'd catch men checking me out like I do. Now if the single ones would just come up and talk to me.
I never thought I'd be able to wear the last fashions.
I never thought I'd be the person that was cold all the time while everyone else is hot.
I never thought I'd lose so much hair. Thank god it all grew back.
I never thought I'd take some many vitamins in one day.
I never thought I'd use a public pool and feel comfortable.
I never thought I'd enjoy getting on a scale and being weighed.
I never thought I'd be scared to walk into a room of my peers that haven't seen me in sometime, but I am.
I never thought I'd get another tatoo but I did. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." Put it on top of my right foot. Hurt like hell and I passed out. But I'd do it again.

I guess never thought.

I am sorry but I just need to blog and get this off my chest. So you might want to stop reading now.

This Friday I was out shopping and getting my first pedi with my daughter. She said how Patty (lady at work) told her she had seen me the other day. And she didn't even know who I was anymore. And then how they both think I am not skinny. This has bothered me all weekend. I do not think I am to skinny. I think I look healthy and feel healthy. And I asked my daughter a few times through out the day if she really thought I was to skinny. She never answered me. Being called to skinny was like being called fat. I can't believe how hard it hit me. I've never been called to skinny. I had all the same feelings I had when somone called me fat as when she told me I was to skinny. I thought I would never feel like that again. I was wrong. It really hurt my feelings. That is so crazy.
Then on Sunday I got a text message from one of my friends asking me if I was truly happy. I thought about it for a few and said "Yes I am happy. Just wish I had someone to share my life with." Then I asked her why she asked me that question? If she thought I wasn't happy. Her reply was "With all the changes I have gone through in the last year she was just wondering." Yes there have been many changes. More changes then I could of imagined or anyone can imagine. But I am healthy and I feel good and I am happy. I do more then I have done in over 20 years. All the changes have been very positive. Not negative changes for me personally. I think that some of the people I know have changed towards me in a negative way at times.
Why are these people saying these things? Or asking these questions? Why am I letting it bug me so much? I am not sure. I should not care what other people think or say. All that matters should be what I think and feel. But like other people I worry about what people say about me or think about me. It seems like I  was judged for being a big girl and now I am being judge for being healthy and skinny. Does it ever stop? NO!!!! I have to stop letting it bother me. I guess when my doctor tells me I am to skinny then I will lesson. I am not trying to lose anymore weight it is just happening. It has slowed down but it hasn't stopped or doesn't seem like it has stopped. I eat more then I have eaten in a long time. At least it seems like a lot to me. Why can't people just be happy for me. I need to let this go or it is going to eat me up inside. I need to just worry about how I feel about the whole deal and not what everyone else feels. they have not gone through what I have gone through, worked this hard to get where I am. They have no idea what it has taken to get here and to stay here. They don't understand the emotional change a person must go through to have this surgery and to get this far. They plain just don't understand.

Well last week two people called me tiny. I have NEVER been called tiny. The two people that said this did not know me before surgery so it really meant a lot coming from them. Because we all know compared to what I weighed before surgery I am REALLY tiny. I don't feel that tiny. I feel good. I feel healthy.
Last weekend I made a sugar free cake with frosting. This was the first piece of cake I've had sense the surgery and birthday cake is the one thing that I really miss with ice cream. We can't forget the ice cream.  The only problem is I felt really bad eating it. I felt like I've come this far and here I am eating this cake. Even though it was sugar free. I felt like I was taking a step backwards. And where would this cake lead to. I've changed my eating habits so much why do I dare take a chance to trigger bad habits again. I throw the cake out after eating two pieces. OMG!! I can't believe I did that. I have never throw cake out. It is not worth taking the chance. This sounds so crazy. Oh well, It's my crazy world and I love it. Have a great day and a better tomorrow.

Des

Life isn't fair, bit it's still good.

When in doubt, just take the next small step.

Wow! It's been awhile sense I have written anything. Thought I would just update. First I have to say I am completely blessed and thankful. Things are going really great. I think keeping a positive attitude has helped. Positive thoughts bring positive things. Now mind you it is hard at times to be positive. But honey we've come a long way. I'm holding at 161 lbs. and have been for awhile now. Although last week I jumped on the scale and it said 158 lb. I thought to myself, that is to low. I have never thought that, not even once in my life. I'm hoping to stay at 161 and not gain or loss anymore. That is 80% of my excess body weight. My doctor seems to be happy with the results.
Last week my work was in Denver for a big conference we put on for our customers. Employees and customers come in from all over the US. This is the only time I see some of these people. Boy was this year different. Some people that I've known for more then 4 years didn't even know who I was.  As I did not share last year that I had weight loss surgery and was only back to work two weeks before the show. What a great feeling. I had to laugh when some people would say "Did you cut your hair." Which I have. I'd say yes and smile and let it go at that. They wouldn't say anything else and I wouldn't say anything else either. To funny. I got whistled at for the first time sense the surgery as I was walking down the street. Boy did that make me feel good.  The best part of all is I was able to keep up with all the events. You see our day starts around 7 am and goes till the customers are ready to go to bed. There were many of nights I was up till 1 am or 2 am. And still able to make it the next day. My feet and back didn't hurt this year from being on them so much and all the walking that I had to do. I didn't need to sit and rest as much. It was a great show. I truly enjoyed showing off the new me. Some people committed on how much happier I am and how I was always moving and on the go. It just made me feel really good. I finally think I am comfortable with the person I always know I was. And the person everyone is finally seeing. The hardest part of the whole show was the food. Although I was prepared. I brought beef jerky, nuts, protein bars (which I shared with other people) and chili. I am a much picker eater then I have ever been. I could really tell one day when I hadn't eaten well for a few days how my mood had changed (a little bitchy) and how drained I was getting. But after I ate a good meal I felt  a lot better and my mood changed ( happy again) and my body felt back to normal.
Through this whole process I think I have gained more respect from my co-workers and customers. I've gained a new out look on life. I am truly happy and blessed. It's been a long road but one that has been worth going down. As I keep going down this road and learning new and exciting things. I will always remember what it took to get this far. There will be no U-turn for this girl. Straight ahead.

Have a great day.

Des

It's really hard for me to believe it has almost been a year sense I had my surgery. First I would like to say how I wished my Dr. would of taken out my gallbladder at the time of the WLS surgery. Last week I had to have my gallbladder removed and another surgery. Although this surgery was not even close to being as bad as the weight lose surgery it still was another surgery and more bills. I did have a rough couple of days and thought at one point I would have to return to the hospital because I couldn't keep anything down. All I could think about is I'm not getting my protein in. It is strange how my thinking has changed from a year ago. I would of never been worried about that before. It seems at times to consume my thoughts. Protien, Protien and more Protien. And how much have a drank today. I need to drink more. Wait I can't drink I have to wait 30 min, I am either getting ready to eat or just getting done eating. Can't drink! I am more aware then I have ever been on what I put in my mouth and how much. Even up till the day of the surgery I never thought like this. It is amazing how things change once you have the surgery. How our thoughts change and our life changes. What are some of the changes?
No back or joint pain. Unless I work out to hard.
I eat right
clothes: style and size. (size 26 to 12/10) God knows I have gone through the clothes.
I have a brighter out look on life.
I am doing things I always wanted to do and not afraid to try new things.
I can wipe my butt. LOL Okay no one really talks about this issue but come on it is so true.
I no longer take meds. But take a heck of a lot of vitamins.
I don't mind having my picture taken.
People treat me different. Some in a good way and others not.
I am happier.
I have a boyfriend now. Haven't had one of those for over 10 years. Got to kiss a lot of frogs. OMG!!!! NEVER, NEVER,  ever settle.
I am more confident. Not afraid to speak out at work or with friends and family in the fear that they will get upset or not like me anymore.
I don't sit around on my couch anymore and find it hard to sit still for long periods of time. Had to cut back on my Netflexs.
I don't snore anymore. No more CPAP machine. I've used this machine for over 10 years.
My feet are smaller. This is something I didn't think about before the surgery. But if you really think about it ever part of your body gets smaller even your ear lopes.
I go to the Dr less.
I am smaller then my daughter. This is not sitting well with her and I feel our relationship straining.
My son is telling his friends how much I weigh.
I am not afraid to say how much I weigh anymore. Today I weigh 167.
I don't have to request to sit at a table when I go out to eat anymore because I can fit in a booth and there is room between me and the table.
I can run.

This list could go on and on. How a year can change things. Now to deal with the ever last thougth of "What happens if I gain the weight back?" I must tell the truth. This is the biggest fear I have. It is down right scary. This thought has to cross every ones mind at some point in this journey. I know that I can not let myself think these thoughts. I can't live my life in fear of becoming big again. Positive thoughts bring positive things. Negative thoughts bring negative things. I must stay positive and surround myself with positive people and things. "The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." I've taken that one step and when will I reach my thousand mile? Never as this journey will last for ever. And what a journey it has been. With big valleys and HUGE STEEP hills to climb and many more to come. Along this journey I have learned so much about myself. Met some really awesome people and not so awesome people. But I have gained more knowledge and love then I would of ever had if I would of never taken that first step. What a scary step that was but as scary as it was it was the best step I ever took.