heathera36

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I'm down to 288.  Dr. Kim's records had me at 299 back in June and 306 pounds in Jan of 2005.  So I'm losing as required and everything is a go. Marcy says I just need to wait to hear from the hospital.  She said it can take a couple of weeks or more to get a date.  There's a back-log, not surprisingly.  I probably won't have a surgery date until November....of course I'm hoping for October...but I don't want to get my hopes up too high!  

Back in June it seemed like September would never get here...so I'm going to just keep that in mind while I'm waiting!

The letter from Blue Cross Blue Shield arrived today and it says "effective dates 10/16/07 to 10/19/07."  Not sure if that means my surgery will be within those days or not.  I'm going to call Dr. Kim's office on Monday to see if they know.

I should have never gone to that diabetic outpatient clinic. When they told me I was just "pre-diabetic" and not actually diabetic I kinda went nuts.  When I thought I actually had diabetes (I wish this had spell check. I'm a horrible speller, so please ignore spelling errors.). Anyway, when I actually thought I had diabetes I was very good about avoiding sugar!  It didn't pass my lips once.  Then when I heard my numbers weren't as bad as I feared, I threw caution to the wind.  How stupid.  You'd think I would have thought -- Thank God...I can stop it before it gets too late!  But no....I'm an addict.  (Hello, my name is Heather and I'm a sugar addict.) I think knowing I'm having the surgery is a contributing factor.  I'm sort of doing that "last super" thing...well in a couple of months I won't be "able" to have sugar...I better eat this donut now...oh what the hell...I better eat another one.  I'm embarrassed to say I ate FOUR donuts yesterday.  Good freaking grief.  What is the matter with me???  When I get like that I actually feel like a drug addict.  My mind tells me this is bad for me, but it's only just a tiny little voice, I don't let it all the way into my conscienceness...just a niggling...and I eat it.  I hate my self during and after, but it's as if I can not help myself. 

I can't explain it. Those of you who have no addictions...to drugs, alcohol, shopping, collecting, hording, gambling, sex...whatever...probably could never understand.  It seems so irrational and self-destructive, but I do it anyway.  I suppose that's how I got to weigh over 300 pounds though, huh? 

But now I need to get a grip. I need to begin to understand my emotional, or irrational eating. I need to stop eating for the fun of it, and only eat when I have to.  The psycholigist I saw for my psych-eval suggested journalling...so that I could connect feelings to my urge to eat.  I really am clueless when it comes to eating (HA, there's a fruedian slip if I've ever seen one!!!).  What I meant to say is that I'm clueless when it comes to FEELINGS!  I think most of the time I'm just bored. The psychologist says that it is also about self-nurturing. I wasn't nurtured as a child...it wasn't a horrible, abusive childhood--my parents had their own problems and I suppose you could say I was a victim of benign neglect.  It's hard to feel too sorry for myself when you hear horror stories of some of the things that go out there in the world. The psych doc says that doesn't have anything to do with it. You can always find someone how had it worse...it doesn't minimlize what I experienced. I suppose that's true enough, but for cripes sake, I'm...hmmm...how old am I? I was born in 1959...I always forget....46 or 47...anyway, don't you think one should be OVER it by the time they're almost 50!!  Good freaking grief.  I can't believe I ate four donuts yesterday because my mother never told me she loved me.  Pitiful me, if that's the case. Sheesh!  

I don't think making excuses for it is going to change it.  I suppose I need to recognize that feelings, from past and present to contribute to my addiction.  That yes, it does feel good when I eat sugar. I do get an endorphin rush, and when it wears off I want more, and more, and more. Perhaps I started my search for that carbohydrate high in my childhood and I've carried the habit into my adulthood.  So now it's time to chuck the habit.  As simple as that. Yeah, right.   

Writing about it does bring up some interesting thoughts though. I think I'll give myself permission to whine once in awhile...to sit here and suck my thumb so to speak, and just emote. Scary thought, innit?  

So it's 8:20 PM on a Saturday night. I spent a nice afternoon with family at my sister's house. We had a clambake and enjoyed the company of friends and family. I didn't "pig out" -- I had a little bit of butter on a few clams, but used spray butter on my corn.  I did eat 3 or 4 cookies which I could have done without.  Those are just going to have to be my last cookies for awhile.  

I do not want to step on the scale on September 5 to discover I gained any weight back!  I need to have lost at least another 2 pounds.  

Time to get a grip. Time to journal instead of EAT!

While I was up to my elbows in dirty dishes, the phone rang. I looked at the Caller ID and saw "Unknown Caller, Unknown Number" and almost didn't answer...I don't want to buy raffle tickets for the Police Benevolent Society...or whoever.  

Anyway, a woman says she's from my insurance company and would like to inform me that I've been approved for bariatric surgery and a letter will be going out shortly!!  WoOoOooOO FREAKING HOOO!  I can't believe how happy that makes me.  I guess I was in a "I'll believe it when I see it" mode!!  

Another step closer!! I can't help think about where I'll be next year at this time...well...YIPPPEEEEE!!

Yay!  I lost 13 pounds since my first visit to my surgeon's office.  Freaking amazing since I was on vacation last week.  I really did try to make smarter choices, and it paid off!  Marcy looked over my paperwork and she said it looked like it was ready to submit to my insurance company. 

Things are in progress!  Hopefully I get approval before my next Appointment on Sept. 5

Dave and I spent last week in Cape Cod.  I couldn't help but think that this is the last vacation I have to go on where I'll have limited options.  My weight over-shadowed the entire week.  We chartered a fishing boat one day and I was terrified -- would I be too fat and awkward to get on the boat? I'd never fit down the little hatch to where the bathroom was so I didn't have a drop to drink before we left or on the boat. There was this board walk that  was a couple hundred yards long that went to the beach, I sat in the car while my husband walked it down to the beach and back.  It was kind of narrow and I felt uncomfortable with people coming the other way and I'd have to move over...and I'd be winded. Then another day my husband wanted to go on a whale watch...I dreaded it.  I thought oh my God...we don't even need to leave the dock before we sight a whale!!  I felt humilated -- not that anyone said anything, and I don't even know if anyone paid me any attention at all.  I did keep thinking about next year!  About how by then I should have my surgery and I'd feel like doing all the things people do on vacation!  Can you believe going to Cape Cod and not stepping foot on the sand?  Pitiful.

I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon for my diabetes class.  I expect it will be interesting.  

On Wednesday I go back for my second appointment with Dr. Kim.  I tried to really watch what I was eating while on vacation, but I scared I haven't lost anywhere near the 15 pounds he requires.  Hopefully I've lost a couple though and they won't be too disappointed with me. 

I had my stress-test today. Turns out I have hypertension too (in addition to the diabetes I found out about last week). Surprise!  I always thought I had good blood pressure, but the doctor said that she can tell from tests that I have it without a doubt. I guess I've been just fooling myself -- "I have great blood pressure" -- "oh no, I'm not diabetic, not at all."  Who was I kidding!? Sheesh.  I guess one more reason to add to the list of reasons to get this surgery.  

The good news is that she said my heart was in good condition and I could go ahead with surgery.  One more hurdle out of the way.  I'm continuing to watch what I eat too...would be nice if I could walk in on Aug. 1 and have lost 15 pounds!  Unlikely since I'll be on vacation the week before though.  I am going to really keep it in check though!  NO MORE JUNK.

So since my diabetes diagnosis I've been keeping track of calories, etc., in FitDay.com.  Maybe it's a bit of a blessing in disguise for other reasons too.  I don't know what's wrong with me...but I just couldn't get a grip on my eating.  I've been in a perpetual "last supper" mentality.  I'd eat every bad thing that came within 10 feet of me with the idea of, "who knows when I'll eat this again."  Good freaking grief.  I'll never get a surgery date if I don't lose 15 pounds anyway!  But since I heard the dreaded "D" word I've been more conscience of what I put in my mouth.  I've actually not eaten anything with sugar. It actually feels good to be in control. 

I do find that I'm living for the future these days.  The distant future actually.  I keep saying, "Next year I'll go to the Jazzfest."  or "Next year at this time I'll feel up for going shopping all day with my sister." on "Next year I'll have a great summer." 

I'm dreading vacation at Cape Cod this month.  My husband has chartered a fishing boat for just the two of us.  I'm really dreading climbing into/onto this boat.  I know I'll feel as graceful beached whale.  Why did I let this happen?  

"Next year I'll really like myself." HA!  I gotta work on my self-image/esteem issues.

Post Date: 7/2/07 3:44 pm
I went for a physical and blood-work last week with my PCP in preparation for RNY bypass.  My doc's office just called to say I have diabetes.  I'm sick to my stomach and shaking.  I just can't believe it.  I said, "No way" when the nurse told me.  She said, "Yes way." 

I've always been pretty healthy for a MO person...great colesterol, good blood pressure, etc...I just figured I had good genes.  Diabetes doesn't run in my family, it never dawned on me I could get diabetes. It takes my breath away to even think it -- I have diabetes. It seems so unfreaking real!

I feel like such a loser! I did this to myself!  I could have avoided this.  Good freaking grief -- I'm killing myself!  How am I going to tell my husband? I'll cry! I can't belive I did this to myself.  

At least the nurse said I don't need medication yet, that it can be controlled with "lifestyle changes" and they are sending me to Diabetes class...whatever that is.  She also said that it will disappear after WLS too. I guess I have one more thing for incentive. 

Thanks for listening for my lament.

Post Date: 6/16/07 4:28 pm
This is really nuts, but I'm a little nervous about undergoing a personality change after surgery.  I really like who I am at my core right now.  I kind of have this reputation in my family and circle of friends as being someone who enjoys solitude and "personal space."  I'm not a big hugger, mushy, in-your-face, excited to be with people kind of person.  If given the choice between a party and a good book, the good book wins ever time!! 

I have a brother-in-law who is thin (and married to my very thin sister) who said, "After surgery maybe you'll want to hug people."  I thought what a strange thing to say.  I don't don't hug people because of my weight...I just don't think of it, and it kind of makes me uncomfortable.  I just don't' like it. Period.  

Anyway, I read all these posts and profiles about lives being changed, etc...and here I sit and wonder the craziest thing...if I go to more parties and end up hugging people more after surgery will people think I just didn't do it "before" because i was fat.  That's not it...it's WHO I AM!  and I don't want that to change.  

Isn't that a crazy thing to worry about!!  I have to get out of my head!  Sheesh.  I shouldn't go in there alone!

And my new life too!  Another thing I learned yesterday was that I have to lose 15% of my body weight before surgery.  That's just 15 pounds, so I know I won't have any trouble with that!  Today I started using the food journal (I retyped it into my computer, because I'll actually use it there).  I'm paying attention to the rules, like SLOWING down my eating, chewing, no drinks with meals.  I'm actually sipping a diet pepsi now (poured in a glass to get rid of the bubbles -- I know that I'll have to stop even that after surgery.)  I wanted to drink before lunch so that I didn't miss it as much.  I'll have lunch in a half hour or so.  I'm paying attention to protein first and limited carbs.  I know this is only the first day, but any journey has to start with the first steps, right?  

I'm a little bummed that my next appointment at the bariatric center isn't until Aug 1 -- cause guess what...that's the Wed after we get back from vacation at Cape Cod. Oh well, like the nutritionist said yesterday...there will be birthday parties, holidays and vacations AFTER surgery too so better get used to dealing with them now.  I suppose in a way it's a good thing so I don't go nuts on vacation anyway. 

I'm also incorporating walking into my daily schedule.  I just walked around the building for 10 minutes and I plan to do another 10 min lap before I leave.  I know it doesn't sound like much, but like I said, it's only the first day.  

I'm feeling pretty positive.  I hope I can hang on to this!  I think I'll try posting goals now and then to keep my eyes on the prize!