Imgoing2balooser

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Lately I have been dealing with a lot. The upcoming surgery, my bankruptcy, and my frustration with my job. Just like that my happiness about my surgery is gone. My surgery will change none of the things above. I am really low right now.

I feel like I am second best to everyone! Like no one really wants me around, they just put with me. I dont feel like anyone cares to know who I am. Not my husband, not my family ....no one. I am just nothing.

Lately I have been thinking about my life. I feel like a complete failure, who will never be anything but that. I have nothing in my life to show that I am smart, or worthy of anything. 

When I was a child even a teenager I told myself to be a good person, a good daughter. I thought that if I did these things and worked hard I would turn out a better person. I would have the job I always wanted. I would be someone. Life was mine for the taking. I could carve out anything I wanted.  I would be the one laughing at all the losers who mad me feel inadequate.

That isnt true. I grew up and realized that there is something wrong with me. For whatever reason I am what I have always been. Nobody. I dont understand what is wrong with me. Why cant I have a good job? Why cant I be the boss? Why cant I be what I want to be? I am just not the same as everyone else. It breaks my heart. My children see me and they know no different then what I teach them. How can I teach them to be successful when I clearly am not?

I am doomed to live my life broke. I dont see how I will ever be able to do anything worth while. I am so frustrated. What is wrong with me that people dont want me? Even when I was thinner it was the same way. 

I dont know what to do. I am so lost. I dont know where to start to put my life in order. My life is so stupid. I have messed up everything for everyone! Even my house is unorganized and in dissaray. I am just lost. I feel like there isnt anything for me to do. I dont know which way to go? What kind of job should I go to school for? 

I dont want my children to be anything like me, yet they will. I've always thought that one of the most important things to teach my children is that if they dont like something, change it. Dont settle. Work hard. Yet I dont know where to begin to do these things for myself. 

I've made so many mistakes as a parent that not even that is going to turn out right. I thought that if I could just do the parent thing right I would be happy. Nothing could ever give me as much joy as being a good mom. I yell I scream, I spank. I'm disorganized. I'm ungodly. I fight with my husband in front of them. I am a complete f*ck up. Maybe that is my problem. Maybe my parents tried to hard, and I wasnt met to be by GOD. Maybe I was just a temptation from Satan.

Even trying to blog to straighten these feelings out is making me more confused. I am just simply lost. No one will ever find me, nor will I find my way. I'm not living, I'm existing. Nothing...nothing will ever change that.

Well I did it. I'm back in the saddle again. I started working out last night at the Y. I only managed ten minutes on a bike, but in that ten minutes I rode over three miles.
   I must admitt that starting back to the gym was not as easy as I thought it would be. I really needed Dan to go just for moral support, incase someone asked me a question about my membership and my guest. (I brought my best friend CHrissy to work out. She's my excersising buddy) He told me he didnt want to go because his leg hurt (charly horse left over from the morning). I asked him to just sit outside and wait and he said no it'd be stupid! So here I am trying to get going again and he is giving me excuses not to go. He knows that I have social anxiety and going new places make me want to puke. 
    So I told him that I thought he was my support person, and that he was suppose to want to help me get going on this stuff. I asked him "how much can you love me? how much can you support me and want me to have a second chance at life if you cant/wont get up and just go sit outside a gym for me. I wasnt asking him to run a marathon, I just needed him to sit down on his ass for about twenty minutes outside the gym for me?" Of course this made him want to go, but by this time I wasnt having any of him. I didnt want his support. I refused to let him go. 

Tonight when he offered to go I told him just to stay at home I wouldnt want him to hurt himself. He did end up going though, because I dont have a liscense and it was snowing. He was much better and apologized about a hundred times. I really do know that he loves me, and I love him very much! I am just so hurt and disappointed in him. Like everything else I suppose this too will pass.

Tonight was better. Even though it was snowing I got up and went to the gym. Tonight I did ten minutes on the bike (3 miles +) and ten minutes on the treadmill (1 mile) and then went shopping at Walmart where I walked for another fifteen  or so. I am very proud of myself. 

Mood wise I've noticed I seem to be more giddy. Its crazy Im never this happy. I'm emailing people off of OH and introducing myself like I know what I'm doing. I'm sure people think I'm a dork. I'm just so happy to be apart of this family I dont know what to do. All day I keep randomly saying "Yay Amanda!" my co workers think its the funniest thing they've ever heard. Thank God they like me or I'd be in trouble! 

OKay I'm off to enjoy an episode of LOST. 

MUCH LOVE
Amanda

It is with great happiness I can announce MY DATE! April 30th!. I found out today! I am so excited I cant stand it. I just want to scream it to everyone. April 30th I will join all of my friends on the loser's bench..Cindy..Jill..Velda...Leah...Lisa...I am so happy. Now if only my friend Pier and my hubby can get on to the bench with us. K thats it for now.

So Friday after lunch my boss' boss takes me aside. He basically accuses me of looking at porn on the internet at work. I laugh and say um no that wasnt me. So he kind of laughs and says "you have to know what I'm talking about, some people have told us" I tell him no. I admitt that I have surfed the net during the time I am suppose to work some. He says consider myself warned and I say okay...I just want to make sure its a clean slate. He doesnt look to happy and says okay. 


What the hell am I supposed to think? I wasnt looking at porn and that is a fact! But who the hell snitched that I was looking at porn. They out right lied. SO now I am freaking the fuck out about loosing my job. I need that job, as much as I hate it, I need it. I am the only person working in my family. THat health insurance is what is going to get my teeth fixed, and my WLS. I know that I should have thought about that before breaking the rules, but damn, its so hard to just sit infront of a computer with nothing coming in to do. SO I made a mistake! I'm guilty. NEWSFLASH the wonderful AMANDA is not PERFECT. 

I think the thing that makes me the maddest is that I'm not the only one who does this. The whole office does it! I just get nailed for it. The funniest part is that the MAN says to tell my work director if I see someone doing it. Yeah! Right! I"m not a snitch! The funny part is that his work directors are the ones on myspace all freaking day. 

Perhaps I wouldnt be so paranoid but I know they are looking to let go of people becuase work is so slow. They let one temp go on Friday and were suppose to loose someone else. I think that person was me. They would have fired me if I would have admitted to looking at porn. I'm not that retarded! I didnt look at porn and I'm not going to admitt to it. So now I'm all worried sick about loosing my job.

What am I to do here? Apart of me says that if I get fired then I get fired. I dont need to work for people that believe lies. Nor do I need to work for people who condone constant bitter battles within the office. My current employer does. There are about six people there that constanty run to one of the uppers, about everything. Hell I've been snitched on for missing staples. If I pull staples from out of thousands of peices of papers and miss a few staples is that worthy of being snitched on? Plus they hired one  of the biggest trouble makers ever. It really is not a mentally safe place to work! But right now it is work and I need it. 

Its getting bad, the mental stress of it all. I am slowly starting to feel hopeless, and guilty. Not to mention paranoid, and unworthy. Alone. I just want to get my life on track. It doesnt seem like it will ever happen. Please keep me in your prayers. I need my job. I need to start feeling more secure in life. 

Thank you friends
Amanda

Okay so today at my sleep tech appointment I got the ok from surgery. The sleep doctor is going to sign my stuff maybe today, maybe soon. God I hope its soon! So as soon as Mercy gets the letter I can get the okay!! I am very very very happy! The sleep tech was kinda weird though. She kept telling me that if I dont wear it then I wont get the surgery yada yada yada. Yeah I know wear the freaking machine.  So looks like I'm still stuck wearing the machine :( But whateva atleast I should be getting a date soon.

3/29/7

HELLO MY OBESE AND FOMERLY OBESE FRIENDS!

Today was a good day. I went to my sleep center appointment, and lo and behold I had a new tech who was very nice. She told me that she could see that I was trying my hardest to wear the machine. She informed me that I am so close that she thinks I could maybe get my clearance next week? I thought to myself "did she just say next week?". Yes she did. I wish I knew her name so I didnt keep having to type she, but I dont so I will. Anywho...She thinks that if I wear it one more week for five hours a night that I will be ready to get the clearance. I can so handle that. I am so freaking happy right now. I wanted to dance again.

This just leaves me with one small problem. The ten or so pounds I've gained. I have to figure out how to get it off. I know I have probally gained it from the stressful month I've had. I havent been eating right, and have pretty much just felt sorry for myself so I eat whatever I want. Cheesecake anyone? I guess i just felt like I wasnt going to get passed the sleep apnea thing, and that I might as well be fat and happy. SO i consoled myself with my favorites. Well after Monday no more. I am going ot make better choices this week, but Monday I have to start some sort of regiment.

My dear sweet health insurance company has now raised the patient out of pocked maximum to 2000 bucks. How nice is that of them? So the surgery will cost me about 2500 instead of the 1500. I wonder if that goes for just 2007 or anything after I've gotten my approval? I guess its trivial...I can still make payments I suppose.  If I only have a year to pay then that means my payments will be 167 a month. On top of the rest of my bills. Please pray my financial situation looks up. Because I still have to come up with the 250 for the program and the 200 or so for protein and supplements.


Maybe just maybe I will get my surgery in April. 

Peace and Protein 

Amanda

3/22/7

I am so pissed right now. I am so angry that I feel like I am just going to snap. Last night I didnt get the full four hours on the machine. I know that when I go to check in on the 29th at teh sleep center that I am going to be told to try again for 30 days. I dont even think I have sleep apnea! I am just so annoyed. I am so happy for all of my friends that have gotten thier dates or have had surgery but I am slowly thinking that this isnt going to happen for me! Why cant I just be released from the sleep doctor after I have worn the machine for 30 days..not consecitive days but just 30 days. I just want to be done with it. I want my surgery so I can start my life.

I am starting a new life more ways then just the whole WLS. I have finally admitted that I am never going anywhere until I fix my credit. So I filed bankruptcy today! I will get my court date tomorrow. I dont have any credit card debt, only medical. Hmph imagine that medical bills from times where I had no job, no insurance. Now I have good job, great insurance. I swear to GOd that I am going to fix my credit and get a new life. I had myself ruined by the time I was 21. So I'm doing the responsible thing by saying I'm going to start fresh and keep it that way.  I am also getting ready to head back to school this fall or summer. I cant decide what is my best pathway. Engilsh or Psychology... I honestly love them both and dont know what to pick. I just need the opportunity to have a job making about 50 g's a year. I want to build myself a life, and give my kids opportunities that dont always come cheaply.

I just need this surgery to get that part of my life underway. Please keep me in your prayers.

Also A HUGE CONGRATS to Cindy on getting her surgery DATE~ and Velda for having surgery on 3/19. Jill for keeping up her good work! I cant wait to join you guys on the loosing side..keep that seat warm! 

Amanda

3/5

Hello .......Hello....is anybody out there? Just nod if you can hear me?? Is there anyone there?

I'm not quite sure who reads and who doesnt but let me just say...MY LIFE SUCKS

I had my sleep doctor appt on Monday. After waiting more then an hour I finally get called back to see the tech. SHe then takes forever to download my readings, and when she does come back into the room she informs me not so nicely I might add that I havent wore the machine enough. She kind of scoffs at me. I try and explain to her that I have a baby who gets in the bed and plays with the machine or pulls it off.  SHe tells me to keep the baby out of the bed. I look at her and say in the same tone she used with me "Well We will see how that works out wont we?" She also rudely says to me well you wont get clearance for surgery until you wear that machine for over a month for atleast four hours a night. Your averaging 3 hours a night as it is.

I am really pist at this moment. First of all let me clear something up. Sleep Apnea is defined by a person stopping breathing over five times an hour. One to five times an hour is completely normal. SIX I STOP BREATHING SIX TIMES A NIGHT. The doctor wasnt even sure that he should treat me for sleep apnea, but decided to just do it anyway. So technically I could have been fine without it. It could have been me waking up or just holding my breath to move. It could have been a kink in the wires. 

Anywho I am not going to get cleared for surgery until April!!! My month starts over. Also while I was there I had to be weighed and I gained six freaking pounds. I am so defeated right now. I am so frustrated I just want to cry. I have my approval I have my money now please just let me have my freaking surgery!!! I've had general surgery before and I was just fine, I"ve had three c sections and was just fine. I dont want to think about the surgery anymore because it feels like it just will never happen!

3/3/7

Holla!!

Well I finally got to loose my Short Bus Kids Radio virginity!! Yay me. Thats good. We got a blizzard and they cancelled work...thats good. So why is it that I am so bummed? Let me tell you why...I still dont have a date. My heart says "Amanda this is just one small obstacle. 1 month until a date is not that long, it will happen. Wear your machine and be done with it" My head is telling me " a month? it might as well be an eternity because its not going to happen. Wearing that machine isnt going to save your life if God really wants you to die"

Speaking of the Apap machine. I think I have done really well wearing it. I do see  a difference based on the amount of time I wear it. I feel better in the mornings and am not quite so tired at night. However I do have some sinus stuff going on in the most little way that makes wearing it not so great. So the past couple of nights I think I have worn it like two hours.

The Iowa board is so dead anymore. I know that there are great people that post on it I just wonder where they all went. You'd think with the blizzard keeping everyone in, the board would be jumping but its not. I have ventured out and checked out the Sex Before and After WLS,and I must say its quite entertaining. I have managed to make myself a coupel friends, Kenzie, Shannon HOLLA!

So thats it for my update. I'm bummed and disappointed. Maybe after my sleep tech appointment on MOnday I'll get some good news. Oh and I did make myself a dental appt. on Wenesday to get my teeth clean. Hopefully I can get a treatment estimate and get that submitted to insurace and find out how much out of pocket I will need to get some a dental makeover. The first of many make overs to come hopefully.

Fantasizing of my new and improved self

Amanda

Hello Everyone

So I heard back from my sleep study. I made an appointment to be fitted with my APAP mask on 2/19. I have a follow up on 3/5. I guess I have very mild sleep apnea. The tech said something about the standard for diagnosis being that you stop breathing more then five times a night. She said that I stopped breathing just alittle above that, and the dr. just wanted to be safe because my oxygen levels dipped. Apparently it was a toss up as to rather or not I was to be treated, so they took the cautious route.

So I cant schedule surgery until I wear the Mask for 30 days. I have asked Mercy Capitol if I can schedule surgery for the week after I have worn it 30 days, but it seems that no one knows. Or they give me just a messed up half anwser. So hopefully I will still have my WLS in March. God knows I just want to be on the loosing side soon.


Peace and Protein

Amanda