It has been a long time since I was on this website and things have change. First, I got a car which means I can now go to seminars about weight lost. Second, I will be graduating in May 2010 with a BA in Journalism and African American studies. Also, I am submitting my manuscript to publishers and hoping that someone will take a chance on me. I still need the surgery and hate the ways I look. I can’t wait to graduate and get a job so I can finally afford to start my make over. Just a few more months. I am trying to hold on and hopefully something will come through.
It has been a while since I’ve been able to post on this site. School has been really busyand it has taken most of my time. Also, I wasn’t sure if I should post anything given that nothing major has happen when it comes to getting the surgery. I now have health insurance with my state and was initially really excited when I was told that it would cover surgery. However, when I called a second time, I was told it didn’t, even though the health insurance company (Badger Care Core Plus) never actually mentions that they do or don’t. It crushed my dreams until I stumbled across a 2008 form that states Badger Care covers the surgery if its deem medically necessary, so there seems like a little light at the end of the tunnel. And believe me its has been a tunnel. I have been depress and suicidal for a long time, with the only thing keeping me from doing something drastic is my writing. Writing is the canvas for which I can express myself and create a world that I control. I plan becoming a writer and so I struggle each day to do that.
When it comes to my weight it has been increasing which scares the crap out of me. Initially, before joining this site my weight was around 280 and now it is 327. My BM is 52 which classifies me as SUPER Obese, whatever that means I know I am. Just last week I went to my doctor and asked her to do a referral for me and plan on going to my the seminar at the Bariatric Center here in Madison, however, I just discovered that the bus doesn’t go out there and I don’t have a car. It seems as though the powers that be won’t let me have any peace. I am going to have to plan around it though because I know I have to prepare to get this procedure done. Until then however, I am plan on changing my eating habits, reducing the amount of sugar I am eating, and other junk. I also have to exercise and while this all sounds well and good, I tend to fall and give up. But now weighing close to 400 pounds, I can’t afford to give up.
So I have to make some changes in my life all around if this is ever going to work.
I feel like I am my own worst enemy, and don’t truly have a soul to talk to about it. My hopes of losing weight seem to be as far reached as my happiness, and yet apart of be obsess over the surgery as if its going to make me into this fairly tale image of the woman I want to be. Ever since I was young, I dreamed of walking into the room, with a slender body, looking beautiful, all eyes are on me, and men gawk over my new appearance. It sounds silly, outdated, and foolish for someone as young as I to think such things do, but I do. I never had any guy ever tell me that he likes me, never had any friends so maybe this is an extension of my loneliness.
I feel trapped inside this body, and I can’t leave it. I want to diet and exercise but my motivation seems to be there and be lost. I have no one close to me in this city, no one that can work with me personally and be there when I need it. I wish I looked like the women I see on television or at least those who I see on campus.
I am not strong enough to fight this, while I haven’t been a religious person, I could really use a one on one conversation with God right now. That’s if he is even real and cares.
I am depressed to the point where I am thinking about suicidal thoughts, being this heavy is driving me crazy, I obsess over having the surgery and piss because right now I can’t afford it. A big part of me wants to drop out of college and get a job so that I can pay for the insurance. I would rather be thin, and happy that fat and with a college degree. I feel as though I have run out of options, my family is no help either financially or emotionally, they don’t care about me, or how I feel. They think that diet, exercise is the key to everything, and while it will help I am pass the point where it is the only thing that can help. I am loss and don’t know what to do anyone, my life is going down hill and I am only 22.
I know it has been a while since I uploaded a blog, I been suffering from a serve case of laziness driven my depression. I had a doctor’s appointment to work due to chest pains and headaches partly due to sleep apnea. When the nurse took my weight, it was a whopping 312 pounds and believe me I am piss! I thought I was making progress and I just gained weight, but I am trying my best. Luckily for me at my campus there is a nutritionist that will work with me on developing a diet plan (or as I like to call it a life style plan) and I am going to keep on working with them.
I can’t wait until I get paid so that I can go grocery shopping and get some fruits and vegetables and start my new life. Although I must say, I am pleased that I threw out some unhealthy food like hamburgers, bacon, and other crap. For me that was a major break through. But I need to get more active something that I haven’t been ever! (If someone on this site is from UW-Madison and need a workout buddy let me know!)
Next week Jan 12 I have a appointment with my nutritionist so I am please. I want to her him or her talk me about is going on and fix this problem.
I don’t want to weight 312 pounds!
Well the past few days have gone pretty well for me. I have decided that a video diary would work best for me. I can record my feelings and talk freely about what I am going through. Aside from this blog and taking weekly pictures to display my weight loss. I am feeling very happy! I started my exercise and diet though I don’t want to think of it as a diet, because diets don’t work, instead I decided to modify my eating habits. Yeah I know it’s the same thing but the word diet irks me for some reason. If there is a way for me to upload my videos and if anyone wants to see them then let me know. I made some new years resolutions that I should be able to keep this time, I really want to change my life and be happy spiritually and mentally, and completely this will take time I am please with what I have done so far. In terms of foods, I threw out my cream pie and my pizza, and went to the store and brought fruits and vegetables. I plan to have a smoothie with fruits, banana, spinach, and low fat yogurt for tomorrow’s breakfast! I am trying to get my mind off obsessing over the surgery I will have to worry about it when I can afford it. Right now, I want to see if I can do it! If Jessica can make the change!
All responses are welcome
Until next time readers!
Happy Holidays to everyone here at this site! I am very please that people have read my first blog and answered the questions that I have. Your responses have been very helpful. I want to update everyone about what has been happening this few days and lay out some of my goals for the 2009 New Year.
First off, after while I am still in need of wls surgery, I also understand that financially I can’t afford it. Insurance premiums are through the roof and those that I have seen don’t cover wls, and as I a college student paying anything over 50 dollars a month is expensive. That is what sucks about health insurance, you pay the monthly cost, then depending on how low or high that is then you either pay an deductible, con-insurance or both! Makes you wonder what is the purpose behind health insurance, and with all that money, I could just go through Care Credit and secure a loan to get the surgery done!
But all hope isn’t lost, because if there is one thing that I am good at it is making a way! I won’t give up, not now with all this great support from everyone. Please support me! I really need because sadly I feel that my family isn’t going to. Today when I talked to my mother about health insurance and getting the surgery, she keeps telling me that I should diet and try to eat right. And while she is right to a certain point, I don’t want to constantly count calories, which doesn’t work! I am trying to cut down on what I eat (hard I know due to the holidays) and during the year 2009 I my goal is to try to lose 50 pounds on my own. This won’t be easy, but I sure can do it.
When I first started looking into wls, I was very young around 16 years old, with a dream of being thin, beautiful and the object of affection for the men that I like. While being considered attractive is a plus, I know that this can’t be the only reason; I know that is a life changing decision. But when it comes to low self esteem, I am the queen of it, I am smart, but I wish I felt better about myself. I am not happy because all the pieces of the puzzle doesn’t fit.
I do plan on going to a seminar in a few weeks and arrange to talk to a doctor about what options might work for me. Meanwhile, health insurance might be in limbo because of the price. This sucks because my parent’s financial situation is really bad to the point where they might lose their home, so trying to place my needs above theirs I feel is selfish. Still, the depression is mounting and I want to desperately to be happy.
The bottom line is I want to have this surgery, in a few months I will have graduated and hopefully landed a good paying job, the question will become, then can I afford it? There has to be way.
For right now, I am going to explore my options and up date my blogs about my eating habits and whatever else in terms of my obesity. I am mad at myself for getting this big, to have the will power for school but not for my body. I am mad because I feel un- pretty but on my face to show the world and I hate how society places so much emphasizes on women to look like super models. What is wrong with me?
Until next time readers!
I am new to this site having found it by randomly clicking onto links at MSN. I have always tried to find a website like this that, linked people who either were looking at surgery options or already had surgery together. This is a great site, and I am extra happy that for a broke college student that it is free! Therefore, here is the deal… I plan to upload a blog to update everyone on my progress, every week, perhaps every Sunday mornings or Saturday night, either way it’s going to be on the weekends.
I hope that this blog can help me reach out to people about my weight loss journey and to receive help from others that have already had it. I know that this is a path that I am going to have to make myself, my parents especially my mother doesn’t approve of the surgery she thinks that I can lose weight on my own. However, I have tried that numerous times, and now I weigh 320 pounds, which is a lot of weight for a 22-year-old woman.
What people who are not overweight understand is that it takes a toll on your mentally and physically. There have been many things that I have wanted to do but couldn’t because of my weight. Such things (as they are important to a 22 year old) are going out to parties with friends with out fear of embarrassment, shopping and hoping that clothes will fit, hoping to fit in the chairs in class, walking and not going out of breathe and having to deal with the stares that people give you.
All my life I have been told that, I have a pretty face, but now I want a body to match. And while some people are comfortable being over weight I know that I am not. I want a to live a long time, I want to be happy and not to say being thin is an indicator of happiness but once you are happy with yourself, then the rest will follow.
So please when you read my blogs, invite others to read it and send out encouragement. That is one thing that I am sorely lacking on campus, as I don’t talk to people about it. (I don’t have any overweight friends).
Any suggestions or tips are welcome anytime.
Thank you!
