jen_on_the_mend

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And this time it has nothing to do with my WLS!!!
This time it's all my fault. 
I had started smoking again sometime in July, and couldn't quit again.  Well, it finally caught up with me and now I'm so very sick with a nasty cough and runny nose.  I guess they weren't bullshitting me when they told me last year or whenever, that I had the beginnings of COPD.  Perhaps I'll listen this time?

AND I haven't lost very much weight lately either.  I've discovered I have no problem AT ALL eating Tostitos.  I don't know what it is about them, because I've never been a big chip eater.  But they are so good and I devoured a whole bag in like 5 days. 

My hair has been falling out worse than ever.  I know its mainly normal, but I'm sure my scalp being a mess doesn't help either.  I've got bald patches all over my head.  Its so disgusting.  I'm disgusting. 

My depression....has sucked ass.  I had it so bad over the weekend, before I got sick, and never left my bed.  Thank god I see my med person in a week or so, so maybe they can put me on pills I dont have to take apart or something.  HOPE SO.

I just want to get rid of this cold/bronchitis thingie.  I am pretty sure that once I've kicked this crap, I can start feeling better and hopefully have a better attitude about stuff.

But then again...this is ME we're talking about.

*SIGH*

Enough whining.  I'm gonna go have a cool drink.

peace.

Going to have an endoscopy tomorrow to check and see if I have a stricture!  I kinda hope I do so I can get it opened up so I can finally eat something of substance.  I wonder if I remember how to chew???


Anyway, I'll write more after I'm back home and feeling up to writing.


STAY TUNED!!! :)

It's too late/early to think of a clever title...so I'm going with "HEY".

So yeah...still not able to eat anything solid.  My diet consists of tomato soup and carnation instant breakfast and the occasional SF popsicle.  Every time I try to eat something with some bulk to it, like a very loose scrambled egg, it gets stuck and I barf it up.  If I try to eat mashed potatoes, LOOSE ONES, they come back up.  I even tried eating pureed broccoli, which I used to struggle with to keep down, but now won't stay down at all.  I've told my surgeon about this, but he doesn't seem concerned.  His nurses do, my personal doc does, but he doesn't.  SO, since I'm butt sick of living this way, I'm calling his nurse tomorrow and I'm going to BEG her to discuss this with him, because really, how is this living?  I'm wasting away, which is sorta good, but since I know how much I ingest in a day, its not really good at all.  I can't imagine the state of my muscle tissue since I can't eat protein and drinking it makes me wanna barf.  My hair is falling out in clumps and my skin is a huge mess with rashes and excema and what have you.  I'd be happy if I could just be able to eat a scrambled egg once in a while.  Or even some thinly sliced deli meat.  Or even soft cooked veggies.  ANYTHING but tomato soup!  DAMN I"M SO SICK OF IT!  I've been eating this shit since may.  And seriously, I'm going insane. 
Most days I regret this surgery.  I miss food.  I miss eating like a pig.  I miss being a fat mess.  Well not really, but kinda.  Since I've started this journey I've lost 115 lbs...maybe more, I haven't weighed myself in a couple days.  Since the surgery I've lost...uhhh....crap I can't do math, hold on let me get a calculator!  76 lbs!  Not bad.  But really, I'd give it all up for just one double whopper with cheese.  Ok maybe two.  And a chicken quesadilla!  Ok maybe not, but I'd consider it seriously.

So ok, I'm calling the nurse on Monday and see if she can't do anything.  I mean jeez, most days I sometimes don't even bother to eat because i'm not hungry anyway and all i'm doing is drinking my "food". 

Other than that, I'm sick of summer.  I hate this season.  Maybe I'd feel different if I had a pool to swim in or something.  But I doubt it.  I'm ready for fall and winter!  But then I'm always ready for fall and winter.  My son goes back to school in a week and my daughter just started a new relationship with a young man who seems quite nice and so far, doesn't seem to have any flaws.  Yes girls, we know that will change. LOL!

If anything worth mentioning happens, I'll report it.  Otherwise, I hope everyone is doing well and you wake up every day happy.

Dr. said it was too early to worry about a striture just yet....yay!  My other dr drew my blood the other day to check my vitamin levels and everything came back normal. so double yay. 

The "relationship" I was in, ended, but I didn't end it.  Don't really feel like talking about it.  Its just one of those things.  And yeah I'm pissed off and hurt, but I'll be damned if I allow it to consume me. 

I'm finally outta the 300s.  Now I have the daunting task of attacking the 200's.  Wish this stupid journey was just over with.  OR I was at least in a better mood. 

Thanks for the comments guys.  I do appreciate the support and friendship.  Sorry I'm 'a wet blanket these days, but I promise its temporary.

I don't know how long this blog is going to be because I'm dog tired and can hardly see the screen as it is.

Haven't been writing much lately because nothing is really new.  I'm still eating off the liquid diet primarily because when I try to eat from the soft diet, shit gets stuck and it hurts like hell.  Thankfully I see my surgeon tomorrow and will ask him how much of this is normal or should I be concerned.  Hope to god its normal cuz I just dont think I could take another surgery.  Not now anyway. 

My energy level is up.  I've done things without thinking about it...like vaccum out my car...something I never would have dreamed of doing on my own a year ago.  And today I went outside and helped my daughter wash her car.  I got all dirty and sweaty and lived to tell about it.  Wowee!  I'm down a little bit over 60 lbs, that includes what I lost pre-surgial liquid diet.  Shirts that I haven't been able to wear for a long time now fit me.  So thats pretty awesome.  I"ve started dating someone I knew from high school.  Go figure.  I'm totally paranoid about being intimate, because of the whole loose skin thing.  I so need to get over that, but I'm not sure how just yet.  I figure alcohol may be involved when I cross that bridge. LOL!  (not a smart idea, but who gives a shit)

I keep trying to sell my soul to the devil so I could have just one day with a presurgical stomach and be able to eat anything I want.  Seeing food on tv or smelling whatever the kids are eating just kills me.  I haven't broken down and cried yet, but who knows...maybe someday.  I'd love to be able to eat a great big hamburger.  Or snarf up half a pizza in one sitting.  Or even eat something as simple as mac and cheese.  But no.  And I guess its a good thing...its just some days its harder to convince me of that fact. 

I do need to excersise more.  That is one area I'm not proud of myself with.  But with me hardly eating anything, I get kinda light headed and often times just feel like crap.  Another thing I need to talk to my surgeon about.  I need to develop some muscle, and soon! Cuz i'm turning to mush. 

Anyway, I'm feeling tired and kinda crabby so i'm gonna end this now before I make myself sick.  (I hate whiners LOL) Hope everyone has a great holiday weekend and is able to enjoy it without feeling left out food wise.

Well I did my end of the month weigh in a little bit ago and it turns out, since I started the liquid diet on the last day of April, I've lost a grand total of 40 lbs!  I've lost more in this past month than I lost last year during my insurance required 6 month diet.  I don't really feel different and I don't see a difference in the mirror...nor did I expect to.  I do notice little things, like its easier for me to put socks on now. LOL! 

I've wanted to start walking but I haven't been able to because my back is all jacked up.  My dr is having me get some physical therapy for it, so hopefully I'll be able to start walking soon.  It even hurts to sit at the computer, and I just can't have that!

Eating is slowly getting easier.  My first attempt at a scrambled egg ended up in the toilet.  But I think I figured out the problem, and now its not so bad.  I just take miniscule bites and chew the crap outta it.  Things aren't getting stuck so much in the past couple of days so I hope that keeps up.  I hate that heartburn feeling. 

My drain tube "gash" is almost all the way healed...and that'll be my last wound to heal.  So yay for that.  Cuz I wanna go swimmin! :) Or at least lay out.

I do still have a UTI and am on a third antibiotic for it.  AND on top of that i have a nasty yeast infection that just doesn't want to go away.  I think once these things are cleared up, I may start actually FEELING better about life in general.  There is nothing worse than a miserable crotch.  LOL!

I'm trying to get my protein in every day.  I don't think I'm always successful because most of the time I just don't feel like eating.  But on those days I at least try to drink the shakes.  I can soon have tuna, so maybe that'll help with the protein. 

10 more days and it'll be my one month surgiversary.  Some days I still can't believe I did this to myself and wake up hopeful and then realize what I've done and say "awwwwww".  But I'm fighting the good fight and for now trying to keep my chin up and focusing on the journey.  it can be hard sometimes though.  Especially this early out. 

Hope everyone is doing well and is taking care of themselves. 

Ciao for now!

When "they" tell ya to sip, they mean it.
When "they" tell ya to eat only a quarter cup of this and that, they mean it.
When "they" tell ya that if you don't chew, or thin your food it'll get stuck, they mean it.
When "they" tell ya that if you eat too much, you'll puke, they mean that too.

So what have I learned so far?  Well let's see...I've learned that I'm a dumbass for not always following the rules.  BUT I have also learned that if I make a mistake once, I'm not likely to repeat the same mistake.  And if I am, then shame on me.  I have learned something else that's quite valuable...if it feels like a fart, don't assume its JUST a fart.  It might have friends with it and you really don't want to clean up THAT mess. 

So, for me and anyone else out there who is new to surgery or soon to get surgery...FOLLOW THE DAMN RULES!  They're there for a reason.  Who'd a thunk that "THEY" would know what "THEY'RE" talking about!    seriously.

Nice title eh? LOL!

I just read on the mssg boards that it could take up to 3 months to feel "normal" again.  So I'm gonna be sluggish and sleepy most of the summer.  I guess that's fine, cuz honestly I hate summer.  I hate getting hot and sweaty.  Maybe that'll be a different dealio next summer when I could, oh I dunno, perhaps ENJOY the season and do some swimming without scaring other swimmers?  It sure is a nice thought at any rate. 

Overall I'm doing ok I suppose.  I talked to the bariatric nurse yesterday and she said that my pain is normal.  I even quit taking pain meds.  I know, shocker.  Perferrably I'd stay on them for EVER, but I don't think anyone would let that slide.  So I figured the sooner I got off of them, the sooner I'd start adapting to my aches and pains and maybe cut my whining in half?  Oh hell, its a dream for now I guess.  Anyway the nurse also added a couple of foods to my diet since I haven't been in yet to see her or the dr.  (that'll be next week).  So now I get to dine on cottage cheese, scrambled eggs and refried beans.  I haven't had the eggs yet, but I've had the other two.  Refried beans got a little stuck, but eventually worked themself loose.  Its nice having new flavors and textures.  I feel like a newborn baby eating for the first time...or something.

I have my days and nights mixed up so I'm sleeping most of the day away and unable to really sleep at night.  I guess its fine for now cuz it kinda makes the time go faster.  I feel blessed I dont have small children who need me so I can be a little selfish these days.  And with Joanna driving, Jim just getting outta school yesterday...shit, color me spoiled! 

I think my biggest whine would have to be about the hole left from the drain.  I had what is called a "penrose drain" and the hole it left in me is about an inch wide and I assume as deep as my innards are.  Its not really hurting me per se, but it is kinda gross to have this giant hole in my side.  Of course due to my history of possible infection from surgery, I'm like totally paranoid this thing is going to get infected.  Maybe its a blessing I got a UTI cuz now I'm on antibiotics and maybe that'll keep any infections at bay?  Heres hopin!

My incisions still don't hurt.  The only thing that really hurts is my left side where my guts got rewired.  I guess I'm surprised we get to eat soft food so soon after surgery.  I'd think more time would be needed to heal...but they're the experts and who am I to argue? LOL  I just hope nothing goes wrong.  I'm so not in the mood for anything to go wrong.  For any of us ever!

I'd say overall I've been lucky that things have gone as well as they have.  I have lost weight but i'm not going to do a final count until my dr appt this coming weds.  I had a couple of days this week where I got the scale out twice and almost kicked myself for even doing that.  So no more scale until weds when I HAVE to get weighed. 

Its going to start being hot here.  That sucks.  I may be turning the a/c on today.  We shall see.

Well peeps, thats it for now.  I think I'm going to attempt some shut eye and see how successful I can be.

My dr's office called today and informed me that my liver test came out fine.  I asked the nurse if my continued pain could be the result of the UTI and she looked over my urine test and said, "OH WOW YEAH, you had a bad one"....grand.  I wonder if it had already started before my surgery...and if so, wouldn't they have picked up on it when doing my history and physical?  Who knows. 
I have to admit that overall I'm doing fine.  Yes I'm in pain, but I just had major surgery.  I'm keeping food and liquids down.  I'm losing weight.  So I guess for now all is right with the world....


If only I could have a pizza. 

I miss eating.  I have gotten into the bad habit of watching the food network just so I can see the beautiful food.  I'm a twisted broad.  I really wish I had room for just a grilled cheese sammich.  For me it hurts to drink, so I have to literally SIP, I can't even take a mouthful.  It hurts to take my meds cuz they're more than a sip. LOL...so sad.  Half the time I forget to eat cuz I'm not hungry.  AND I really don't like eating because I can't stand these portions.  I'm used to having a full cup of soup, not a quarter cup.  I wonder if my attitude will change once I start adding crap to my diet. 

I hate sounding negative.  I mean, overall I'm NOT negative.  I just felt like whining and i figure I'm entitled.  I really get the psychological reasoning behind the liquid diet.  I think it makes this part of the journey easier to handle.  I'm sure if I was able to eat up to or almost up to my surgery day, I'd be having a much harder time with the new eating habits. 

My skin has been super itchy today and I'm not even on morphine anymore.  Maybe I'm drying out. LOL...possible. 

I don't have regrets, I just miss stuff.  I know it's gotta get easier as each day passes and as my diet starts to change.  I'm sick to death of soup, sf pudding and yogurt.  Dr. White's nurse called me today to see how i was and said that I should probably be able to start adding things to my diet by friday.  So thats a perk I guess.  I just need to keep that portion thing in mind or I'll end up hurting.  I ate too much pudding the other night by like 3 spoonfuls...omg...talk about pain.  I'll try not to make that mistake again.  People, when you are full, STOP EATING.  I know its nummy and you want more, but seriously, trust me on this, just walk away. 

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention in my other blog that the gas pains didn't really affect me until the day I was discharged.  Once I got that gas moving, there was no stopping this fart machine.  Sometimes its hard to tell the difference between eating pain and gas pain.  As if we needed more pain to deal with. 

OK well I think I'm done with my whine.  I am glad I did this.  It's just taking some time to convince the eating part of my brain that this was a good idea.