jen_on_the_mend

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The morning of May 10^th I got up and showered and got dressed to go to the hospital.   Naturally I didn’t sleep the night before and my brain was on overdrive.  I didn’t know if I was doing the right thing, and a big part of me wanted to back out and run.  It’s been so easy being fat and lazy and having excuses not to do anything but be pathetic.  Easy.  I’ve always taken the easy way out.  Which is probably why I got fat in the first place.  But something inside me pushed and pushed and I got my ass moving and shut my brain down.  I wasn’t going to spoil this last chance at having some sort of life. 

Mom picked me up around 8 in the morning and before that Joanna took my “before” picture.  I still haven’t looked at it. LOL!!!  Anyway, the trip to the hospital was more or less quiet.  I really didn’t feel like talking.  I didn’t want to get my brain moving again.  When we got to the hospital I started having chest pains.  I made a joke to mom that NOW was the time I was finally going to have that heart attack.  Wouldn’t that have been swell?  After I took some deep breaths I was “ok”. 

I got checked in and waited for the gal to come get me to take me back to the pre-op area.  My sister in law (former sis in law) was my pre-op nurse and for that I was very thankful.  It made things easier for me.  I got changed into that stupid gown and put my clothes in the bag.  Then I had to take the required pregnancy test…that always pisses me off cuz I DON’T HAVE SEX! Ha!  Wish I did…but anyway.  So after that I crawled into bed and laid there and stared at the ceiling.  I was waiting for my I.V. to get put in so I could have some DRUGS!  Finally after about a half hour, she put my IV in and asked me if I wanted some calm down drugs and I just glared at her.  Haha.  I don’t remember much after that but I think it may have affected my chest pain again.  She may have given me something for that, I honestly don’t recall.  Oh yeah, my blood pressure was high at first too cuz I was so stressed but it went back down after the awesome drugs were administered. 

Anesthesia came in and talked to me.  First a couple of guys came in, but they weren’t even going to be in the operating room with me so I don’t know what they were doing.  And then two women came in who were going to be in the operating room and they were awesome.  Very funny and nice.  Seriously, everyone who came in to talk to me that morning was so cool.  They all made me laugh and relaxed me a great deal.

Finally it was time to roll to the OR.  Mom gave me a smooch and I even got a smooch from my sis in law. LOL!  It was a nice little stroll and I was very relaxed and not thinking about anything.  I figured at this point there was no logic in thinking about “escaping” because I was going to do this no matter what. 

I got into the OR and they had me scoot over to the operating table.  I’m always so surprised at how comfy those things aren’t.  Then they had me put my arms out and strapped me down.  Then they gave me some oxygen and the next thing I know I’m OUT.  Well actually the next thing I know I’m in recovery. LOL!  But most of that is hazy.  I don’t recall anyone hollering at me to breathe or to wake up or anything.  I didn’t get nauseous this time because I told them ahead of time that I tend to get sick from anesthesia.  I don’t remember much about recovery except feeling nice and warm and relaxed.  Oh, and thinking, “It’s finally OVER!” 

I honestly don’t know how long I was in recovery.  It didn’t feel like a long time, and I was soon wheeled up to my floor and checked over by my nurse.  I think it may have been around noonish and my surgery was at 10:30.  Someone was to have given me mouth swabs to keep my mouth moist, but I didn’t get any until the next day, I think.  Might have been that night, but I don’t remember.  My kids came and saw me that afternoon, but I couldn’t tell you what we talked about or what they looked like. LOL!  I was feeling pretty good.  I had a morphine drip and some other pain thing my dr.  put in my chest.  Honestly, the first day went by in a blur.  I THINK I may have gotten up and walked that night, and I know for sure I did the next day.  No wait, it was the next day I started walking and then they gave me mouth swabs. 

That Tuesday morning, about mid to late morning, the GI people came upstairs and took me down for my leak test.  I still had my catheter in and the morphine.  They gave me about 3 oz of contrast to slam and theres no sugar coating that experience.  It was nasty, it was gross, and I’m glad its over! LOL!  I had no leaks and was wheeled upstairs right away.  Then I did something stupid, I grabbed the water that I was using to swab my mouth with and guzzled! LOL!  I HAD to get that nasty taste out of my mouth.  AND I knew I had no leaks so at that point I didn’t care.  But DAMN it hurt like a sonofabitch!  Still, it got the taste out. Ha. 
So later on I got my catheter out and did laps around the floor every few hours.  It helped the time go by.  I loved my morphine and I loved being able to administer it.  I was always hitting that button.  But I will tell you, when its gone, its gone.  That sucks ass.  Cuz then you’re on liquid oral pain killer and its just not the same and tastes like shit. 

I never felt hungry so never had any broth.  Just this drink called Juven.  It’s supposed to promote healing.  It tasted like nasty Tang or something but it was a change from water.  Basically I walked and slept until I was discharged on Thursday morning.  Getting my drain tube removed hurt like hell.  And the hole that’s left, oh boy it’s big, hurts too but the incisions don’t really hurt at all. 

OH YEAH! Lucky me got her period on that Tuesday after my surgery.  I couldn’t believe it.  It wasn’t even due.  Man I was pissed as hell.  And, I came home and my back was hurting but I thought it was probably the bed. Haha.  NO.  I have a UTI and something might be wrong with my liver function.  I went to my dr today and she put me on some liquid antibiotics and did a blood test for my liver and tomorrow I should find out the results.  I’m not concerned about my liver to be honest with ya.  I just want this UTI to go away because my back has been hurting worse than my drain tube hole.  And that’s saying something! 

Sleeping hasn’t been difficult.  I sleep in my recliner and stay there most of the time.  When my UTI clears up I plan on walking more.  I know I’ve lost weight but I don’t know how much.  I’m just not really paying attention to that part so it doesn’t end up consuming me.  I don’t want to hit a plateau and know about it. 

I think I’ve told everything I remember.  Although there are probably things you may have questions about and please do not hesitate to ask.  I am an open book! 

I’m still getting used to eating period.  Eating small portions because I have to is weird.  Eating super slow is weird.  But I know in time I’ll adapt and everything will be old hat for me.  I’ll definitely let you know when I find out about my liver, but I’m sure its nothing.  And if it is, well fix it, and make me feel better! Haha! 

Again please ask questions!  I’m here to help if I can.

PEACE! J

Just wanted everyone to know that I'm home.  Been home since yesterday afternoon.   I'm not quite up to blogging yet, but I didnt' want anyone worrying about why I wasn't posting yet.
Still trying to adapt to my new guts, but its a challenge. 
I promise, cross my heart, to write more as soon as I'm able. 
Still on pain meds which make me sleepy.  Yay for that.

Thanks to everyone for their encouragement and support. 

Not quite sure what to feel.  From what I've read, what I'm feeling is normal.  A big amount of fear and excitement.  Usually when I felt weird in the past, I would eat.  Eating always calmed me down.  Now I have to find a new crutch.  I dunno...being fat and lazy was so easy...I guess I need to look at it a different way now.  I'm not healthy, I'm not really mobile, and I'm majorly lonely.  No man that I know wants to date a woman that looks like me.  And I really can't see myself allowing anyone to touch me while I look like this...but I'm going somewhere else and at this point theres no reason to go there.

I'M HAVING WLS ON MONDAY! OMFG.  It's finally here.  After 10 years of trying and denying and cock-blocking, its finally here.  Something I've wanted so much.  IF I wanted this so much, why do I have such a strong feeling to run away?  I need to get that thought outta my head too.  Good lord Jen, pull yourself together.  Everything is going to be fine.  Chill bitch.

I dunno what I'm primarily scared of...it must be the fear of success, or the fear of change, or all of it.  I've always been able to sabotage any diet I was on and shrug and say, "well folks, I guess I'm meant to be a cow"...but do I really believe that?  I've got SO much life ahead of me.  So much more time to meet a great man and settle down into a new life, without having to worry about having a baby or buying my first home or putting kids thru school.  I can be selfish in this chapter of my life and really really enjoy myself for a change. 

This is so bizarre.  LOL!!!

The liquid diet does suck, but I understand why we have to be on it.  It really disciplines you and prepares you for whats to come.  I think one of my "struggles" if you wanna call it that, will be measuring my food.  Right now I eat a can of soup without thinking about it.  But when I come home later this week, I won't be able to do that.  I'll have to measure out a quarter cup or whatever and make sure its strained.  I won't be able to eat a whole pudding cup, or a whole yogurt.  I won't be able to slurp up my protein drink...which by the way has grown on me and I really like it now.  LOL! 

NO more stinkin thinkin.  I'm gonna do this, no matter how scared of whats to come I may be.  I'm one hot mama and deserve to be thin and healthy.  I just never thought it'd be me...but here it is.  And I'm ready. 

My kids and family who know are very supportive and excited.  Except my brother, he's worried but then he's who is he is and if it wasn't all worried about it, I'd think something was wrong with him. LOL!  My daughter is driving now, so I don't have to worry about how the groceries are going to get bought or anything. 

Well, crap, LOL, I appreciate all the support my new OH friends have given me.  You don't know how important your support and encouragment has been.  I hope I'm there for you as well.  I'll do my best. :)

It's early Sunday morning, and I mean EARLY...130ish in the AM.  I was going to blog in the evening but had to get it out of the way.  Clear my head and what not.  I have a lot to do today when I wake up later.  I hope I'm able to get some sleep. 

Hugs and love to all...see you on the other side. 

I just finished day 5 of my liquid diet and in a nutshell, it sucks big time.  I'm so hungry, I could chew my arm off, literally!

Oh and I got my nectar protein crap today.  Ok so I THOUGHT it'd be a nice thing to make in the blender, with some ice, and have kind of a slushie/smoothie thingie...no.  It foamed up so much I kept gagging when I tried to drink it.  So i bit the bullet and threw it out.
Later on I just mixed it in some water, added some ice and a straw and was able to suck it down.  I dont know how I'm gonna drink it when I have to sip....I guess slowly, duh...but still, for some reason the smell makes my stomach turn.  Or maybe its just all in my head.  I dunno.   I will buy chocolate next just to see the difference.  I have never minded drinking like slimfast or carnation instant breakfasts, and I'm curious to see how different chocolate protein would be. 

I'm anxious to see how much weight I've lost so far while being on this diet.  I go to the dr later today to get my pre op tests done.  I guess I didnt' expect this week to go by as quickly as it is.  I haven't really been able to sleep all week and that is getting to me as well.  I was asleep earlier but kept waking up.  I'm going to try again here in a little bit.

Jo got her car on monday...finally! :)  Now if it'd just stop leaking so we can go get it insured...well i'd be a happy camper fo sho!

Ok must sleep.  I'm sure I'll blog one more time before surgery.

I just want to say that what goes in as liquid comes out as liquid.


Thats all I have to say about that.

Tomorrow I start my 10 day liquid diet.  Funny how all docs aren't the same when it comes to the liquid diet and how many days they want you to be on it.  Who knows, maybe I'll drop some lbs, while on this thing. 
I'm excited, anxious, nervous, and so much more when I think about the surgery being right around the corner.  I really just want to get the whole thing over with once and for all.  I feel like I've been waiting a lifetime for this....and I guess in many ways I have.
I bought my vitamins, calcium and protein powder yesterday all to the tune of 89 bucks.  Perhaps I won't buy online from now on...I guess it'll depend on how great of a deal I can find elsewhere.  Cuz the protein powder I found was a really great deal on Amazon, or so I thought anyway.  I guess we'll see what I can find as I continue on this journey.
I drank my last diet coke tonight.  I think the "love" I have for the beverage is really all in my head.  Cuz as I swallowed the last drop and savored the flavor...I realized it wasn't THAT great.  I hope I remember that.  Of course this is why I'm writing it down so I don't forget.
My last supper was gross...tuna helper...but I really didn't have money to go out and buy something special.  It's ok...I know I'll have a chicken quesadilla again someday. LOL!
The protein powder I bought was Syntrax Nectar Fuzzy Navel flavor.  I will write my opinion of the stuff after it arrives.  Man I hope its tolerable cuz the other flavors just sound plain gross and I really dont want to have chocolate drinks from here on out.
I guess thats enough for now.  I'll wait a few days and then update on how I'm doing on the liquid part of the show. 

Peace!

I'm so paranoid that the surgery isn't going to happen.  Only cuz I can't picture myself thin.  Its been ages and ages since I was "thinnish", and I can't remember what it felt like. 

I'm also worried about going under and coming out of (sp?) anesthesia...I hate doing both.  I am not happy with the fact that I have to wait until after my pouch test to have any sort of water...I know that makes sense logically, but I also know that coming out of anesthesia causes me to be very thirsty and not being able to drink for whatever amount of time is going to be like torture.  I hope I come out of recovery quickly and that everything goes better than I expect so I can get the stupid leak test done quickly and get my one ounce of water an hour.  GAH!  I am writing this stupid shit so I can come back to it a few months from now and laugh at my stupid self.  I know in my heart I am overreacting to this stuff, but still...I dont like to think of being uncomfortable.  I'm such a baby.

I found out that Patty is going to be my pre-op nurse which makes me a happy camper.  Not everyone gets to be so lucky as to have their preop nurse be their sister in law...LOL...oh well...at least something decent is happening that day...oh yeah, besides my life changing surgery.  Did I mention what a baby I KNOW I'm being?

My mother is being a snot.  I used to be able to go to her and get some sort of support...now she's just being stupid and pissing me off.  I dont know if its her old age...i sure as helll hope it is cuz then I can try to excuse it at least.  Instead of her saying what she would use to say to get me to think rationaly and calm down, instead she's being the opposite and making me really angry.  Thankfully I've learned I can just walk away and hang up on her when she's being like that.  She keeps it up, I'm having her just drop me off at the hospital because I dont need negativity around me that day.  And if she doesn't want to drive me to the hospital, *cringe* I"ll get the ex hubby to do it.  (I know she'll end up doing it regardless...i just like having options)

I start my liquid diet next weekend.  Finally.  Tomorrow is pizza day, finally.  My last HURRAH.  I hope its good pizza.  Like an orgasm on crust.  It probably won't be....oh man am I being suzy sunshine or what.

A month from now this'll be all behind me and hopefully I'll be healing well and be ready to start walking and start toning my gross legs. 

I hope I dont have too many regrets...or none at all.
I hope everything goes smoothly.
I hope my mother gets the stick outta her butt.
I hope I dont panic too much that morning.
I hope my eczema clears up once and for all.

Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first.   Ah dare to dream.  LMAO!

Peace

My car is acting up so i'm afraid to drive it.  So I need to rely on my mommy to drive the kids around.  Hopefully Jo will be getting her car soon so I won't feel like such a burden...even tho I KNOW its all in my head.  I still dont like it.  And to make things worse, I'm pms so everything is all gloom and doom.  i'm not even looking forward to the surgery...but I'm sure that'll change.  At least I hope it does. 
I bought some of my food essentials for when I'm on the dredded liquid diet.  I tried to buy some cream of wheat but it just looked so disgusting, I couldn't bring myself to do it.  I can't imagine a time I'll ever be THAT hungry to eat something so nasty.  God bless those folks who can stomach it, cuz theres just no way I ever could.  Theres just something about eating mush that makes me ill. 
I haven't been eating much lately...just an english muffin and some yogurt every day.  I haven't really been hungry.  It must be nerves.  My last "junk" horrah will be on Jim's bday when I get some pizza and cake, but a few days later its the liquid diet for me.  I'm sure it'll be easier after the surgery.  HOpefully my hunger won't come back so eating jello and soup won't get to me. 
My eczema is clearing up, thank god!  I hate what winter does to my skin. 
I guess I really dont have much to say right now, I just wanted to whine a bit.  I'm sure I'll whine more later. 
Peace.

July19, 2006
I see Dr. Anthone in a few weeks and I'm very excited about the possibility of changing my life forever!

July 31, 2006
Tomorrow I see the dr for the first time. I am scared to death. I think I just don't want to hear the word "no". Isn't that what all of us fear? My obstacle at the present time is my surgical wound from a procedure I had at the beginning of June. The darn thing has yet to heal and some days it seems I'm taking 5 steps backwards and maybe one step forward. It's very frustrating. Hopefully he won't see this wound as big as an issue as I do. I hope I am able to sleep tonight and just relax. Staying awake won't make things turn out the way I want.

August 1, 2006
Well I met with Dr. Anthone today and I really liked him and his nurse Kathy. I think you can tell when a dr. truly cares about his/her patients and he really does. He says I'm a good candidate for WLS and all we have to do is wait for approval from the insurance company, which can take up to 8 weeks. That's totally fine with me because I still need my surgical wound to heal.
I did find out today that I've lost some more weight so I'm down to 300 lbs. So that's awesome. He said I don't have to lose anymore weight, but it wouldn't hurt to lose maybe 3 more. He did say NOT to gain any more weight. I don't think that'll be a problem as long as I avoid fast food. That is harder to do than I thought because I had wanted that last HOORAH type snarf fest. But whatever. I'd rather be thin!
I'll update when I know more. In the meantime I'm going to do all my pre surgery tests and get those out of the way. Might as well assume it's going to happen instead of waiting.

August 4, 2006
I know it's only been a few days since I updated, but I need to document how scared I am of being denied. Some folks get blessed and are approved right away...no hoops to jump through or anything. Other's have obstacles that are so outrageous, you have to wonder who's minding the store at these insurance companies. Let's be honest here folks, none of us wants to be unhealthy and fat. THIS IS WHY WE ARE HERE.
Anyway, thanks for the mini rant. I'll try to keep my big rants confined to the likes of my livejournal. LOL.

*It dawned on me I've never said anything about myself personally so here I go:
I am a mother of two great kids, a son who's 12 and a daughter who is almost 16. I have been wonderfully divorced for two glorious years. LOL! I don't know if I'll ever been crazy enough to deal with marriage again, but...ok, no I will never get married again. Perhaps live in mortal sin, *giggle* but never marriage.
Currently I am trying to obtain disability since I have more issues than just weight at this present time. I don't look at it as a permanent thing, but just a little help to get me thru the next year or so, so I can then have some sort of quality life and be 100% independent.
I have struggled with my weight most of my adult life. When I was a kid I always thought I was fat, but looking at old pictures, I just don't see it. I guess it was more low self esteem than anything else. I hope my attitude towards myself changes when the pounds do come off. I fully intend to remain in therapy during this whole journey. I'm not going to leave anything to chance and I want to learn to love myself, regardless of my weight.
My family overall is very supportive of me and the choices I am making. Naturally they are concerned, but I think they know I have to do this. I just wish time didn't stand so still when you want things to start happening. I'll be glad when it's ME who is in control of things again.

August 10,2006
Saw my colon/rectal dr today and she cauterized me to near death. That's as far as I'm going into that little adventure.
Then I saw my primary dr and she set up my appts for my gallbladder ultrasound and bloodwork and sleep test. I did discover I've lost another pound so I'm down to 299. I'm not getting too excited because all scales are different. I'll get excited when it says 295..then I got a little room for play and I can safely say I'm outta the 300's! LOL!
I guess the ball is rolling. I just wish I knew for absolute certain whether or not it's going anywhere or if I'm just going to end up hitting a wall. Ah well...time will tell!
Till later!

August 19,2006
Last Monday I had my ultrasound of my gall bladder and blood work done at the stupid hospital. Gosh I hate that place. Compared to the hospital I DO like, this one was just so incompetent. Or maybe I was spoiled at the other place...who knows?! Anyway I have yet to hear what the results are, naturally. So I'll call Dr. Stacey, my pcp, and see if they even bothered to send her the test results. *sigh*
I see Dr. Thommi on Tuesday about possibly having sleep apnea. I think that appointment will be interesting because it's a topic that is still new to me and I enjoy learning new things. Especially learning how to FIX things. LOL!
My kids start school this coming week. I'm going to miss them being around here for entertainment purposes, but I know that they'll be so much happier out of the house and being with their friends and learning again. I really wish our school district would buy a clue and go to year-round school. How can I be the only one who sees the benefits of this? Oh well.


January 22, 2008
Well nothing ever came of Dr. Antone because medicaid kept denying me, saying I am too healthy.
Well I have a new primary dr now and we are both aggressively hoping to get this surgery accomplished this year. She's got me all set up with tests and what not, and I will see Dr. White instead of Antone. I heard he's good too, so I'm not worried. My weight is up A LOT, my stress level is up, therefore, for the first time in my life I have high blood pressure. Everything that can go wrong health wise, has gone wrong....gee, I hope I'm "sick enough" for the insurance company now. *insert eye roll*. I'll update when I know SOMETHING...and I hope its something GOOD!

March 2, 2008
Well, I do have sleep apnea (yay??), and I get my cpap machine on Tuesday. I am going to be going to my WLS seminar with Dr White on Weds evening. And then hopefully from there the old ball will continue to roll. I have high blood pressure, borderline diabetes, high cholesterol, sleep apnea....do ya think the insurance company will think it's good enough for them? Oh yeah, I'm 340 lbs...is that good enough? Good lordy! I'm ready! I've been ready...I'm ready to get my life up and outta the alley and start doing things I have only dreamed of for years...like jogging, going swimming in public places, sit at a rock concert and not feel like i'm going to die because the chairs provided were meant for very small people. (seriously, i saw my favorite band the other night, i have bruises on my hips from the chairs)
Anyway, I will continue to keep this going. I wish there was a seperate place to blog. If there is, I haven't found it yet. I will update when I learn more...hopefully learn something EXCITING!

I've never felt such a mental tug of war in my brain before now.  I AM so excited and happy I am scheduled for surgery FINALLY, but at the same time I'm scared shitless and wondering if I'll miss my old evil ways.  At this time I don't feel like i will miss anything about my old eating habits cuz I'm just sick and tired of living like this.  But I honestly don't know what to expect when I'm on the otherside of it all.  I read the message boards which I'm wondering if its such a great idea.  Some posts scare the crap out of me and make me think I shouldn't do this.  Other posts are encouraging and motivational.  It's hard to know what I'm going to read before I click on something. 
I just cannot believe that in a month my life is going to change forever.  I really never thought this would happen for me.  I'm getting a second chance at life.  That is if I don't die of a heart attack before surgery...lol, just kidding. 

I'm blessed though because my family is very supportive and very excited right along with me.  They are keeping me "off the ceiling" and keeping my head on straight.  Man...I just CAN'T believe this is finally really and truly happening.  Go me, I guess. LOL!