Hookers, Herpes and Toiletpaper... and its only Wednesday...FML

Apr 13, 2011

 Where to start…
So I spent Sunday trying on panties, bras and swimsuits to see what fits… all of my "skinny" ones fit. Yeah!!!! Im looking atmy ass and for once enjoying the view… amazed I can once again pull off a thong. I cant resist and pull out my ipod to dance half naked to the thong song...The asshole (husband) keeps making rude comments about the size of my ass or length of my boobs. Why can I not enjoy my moment in the sun mother fucker….I am ready to behead his dumbass! As I am going through my bathing suits I recall the amazing low-cut brown bathing suit I bought and never was able to wear. As I am looking for it I sadly recall were it went… Hope ya'll are sitting down. This my friends is going to knock your socks off. SO my MIL came by one day last summer, she was on her way to the gym and asked to borrow a suit. This was the only one I had that would fit her as it was pretty small. I handed it over (mind you I paid well over 100 bucks for the fucking suit!) she then tells me that she is going to a "special pool" and that this "special pool" has a "hot sucker" that she can pay an extra $25 so it can "suck her pussy." "Feel so good" she says. FML… I never asked for the suit back. I miss it… sad… sad…. sad. For hours I am pissed off at her but refuse to ask for the suit back. I know the bitch came in it… and she's has sex with dudes for money. Ill pass on crabs and herpes thanks…Fast Forward onto later Sunday night I go running with a girlfriend, I tell her I think my hubby is fucking around. This gets her thinking and she goes home and raids her long term boyfriends phone, he is apparently having sex with a slew of hookers. FML… I am feeling a little guilty for the demise of her relationship… frikken douche bags…. SO onto Monday MIL came by, which is never amazing. She once again rubs all over body to emphasize how much weight I have lost, when is this ever okay? She then gets a phone call, she's screaming in Vietnamese. I'm thinking she must be ordering a hit on one of her hookers. When she gets off the phone she informs me that her "hook up" has "come up" on some toilet paper and Tide laundry detergent… Really are you fucking kidding me? I love this "fell off of the truck" bullshit. She informs me that tomorrow she will pick up the goods. Fast forward to Tuesday morning, I unlock the door and attempt step out… I hit a wall… of toilet paper, supported by massive sized bottles of tide. Where the fuck am I supposed to put this?!?!?!? Should I be grateful, feel sorry for the poor shome who was ripped off or just have a shot and forget it all happened? Hopefully today is less eventful, but I have my doubts. On the upside I bought a new Itouch this week and love the forward facing camera… I hope they don't come out with a new one soon I cant afford to keep upgrading every fucking year!
Hugs Kisses and Herpes,
Jen

***UPDATE***
Today was not less eventful… I just spent 45 wandering a parking lot helping a little old lady from Idaho look for her lost car. We never found it, my legs hurt and I left her with security. The worst part was having to tell her that someone obviously stole her car which had some not occurred to her yet.
FML… and hers

6 Comments