Jeppa

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5 years ago I started this journey that has brought me to a healthier place. 5 years later, I sit wondering what it is all for? I have developed a condition that needs to be surgically repaired, but no one will do it without removing my band. Now I am being told by my insurance, "ain't gonna happen." Nothing like being handed a death sentence by a bunch of suits and ties who don't even know me. I decided to return to my original surgeon to see if he had suggestions, or could help, only to find out he had perished in a tragic plane crash. My heart goes out to his family and staff, and to all those who knew him - he was a kind, kind soul.  So now what? Do I bite the bullet and mortgage my home to save my life? Or....just bite the big one? . . . so much to live for, and everything I did to be able to live, is all for naught.  ..

I hope everyone had a wonderfuly holiday season. I spent the time trying to avoid grazing...and failing miserably. Fortunately I was able to maintain my weight so I am happy.  On Jan 1 I took down the Christmas decorations and started cleaning out my closet. I decided to get rid of all of the clothes that don't fit me any more. It struck me as funny...my closet is losing weight right along with me LOL.  I got rid of 3 hefty bags full of hefty clothes. I am excited for what 2010 is going to bring me. I hope it brings wonderful results for all of you!

I am so excited. This morning I hit a HUGE milestone! I weighed in at 298, OUT OF the three hundreds forever! I am so excited. So since my surgery I have lost 38 lbs and since my heaviest...I have lost 90 lbs!!! Wow, I never would have imagined that happening. I feel so good and I can't wait until I am closer to 200. My life is changing before my eyes and it is nice to see hard work pay off. If anyone ever tells you this is the easy way out - they are dead wrong! With the lap band, you can still gain weight, you can still eat all of the bad things, I found that out the hard way. I have had to just learn to make the right choices.

I am 7 weeks and 10 days post op. I'm still hovering over the "three teens" as I keep going back and forth between 313 and 317. It is a bit frustrating but at least I know it is a normal part of the process since I have not been filled. I will be eligible to be filled at 8 weeks, which will come this Thursday, but scheduling conflicts will require me to wait a bit longer. It is driving me crazy! 

I need to get back to that "restricted" feeling because I know how I am - I have lived with ME all my life! Generally I get a few pounds off of me and I do real good, then someone notices and mentions how good I'm looking and that is all it takes. My mind suddenly kicks into the "I can afford a burger...after all I'm looking good" - - right?  How STUPID is that mentality? Drives me crazy.

Meanwhile I am trying to occupy my extra time with school and such. I am still going to the RAC for exercise only now that my friend Jennifer has joined I am going 5 days a week. Wait - scratch that. I have yet to make the 5th day for the last 2 weeks. There always seems to be something that stops me from going on Fridays. This last week I got major sick. I started by losing everything I had eaten that day and I thought I either had food poisening or had eaten too much? But it didn't make sense. Then I got a fever and woke up with a swollen throat and had a raging headache the entire weekend. I am feeling better now but my energy level is gone, gone, gone! I need to get back to the RAC. We do Zumba classes on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and free swim on Tuesday and Thursday. My friend Jennifer has decided we need to get "more" out of our swimming so she brought some fins that she uses when snorkling in Mexico.  The first time I used them I thought to myself, "this is easy!" and then went home to do homework. After sitting for about 3 hours without even thinking about moving, I got up to get a glass of water and fell ON MY BUTT!.  So crazy.

I think while I am waiting for the trip to get a fill I will go back on my liver shrinking diet. Maybe I can spark some weight loss as I would really like to have a good number when I get to the doctor so he doesn't think I've just been sitting on my butt waiting for a miracle to happen - now THAT would be crazy!

I am 25 days post-op and have lost a total of 22 lbs since the day OF the surgery, 30 since the day we started pre-op diet, and 74 lbs since Christmas of '08 when I found myself at my HIGHEST WEIGHT ever of 388.  Pretty significant loss, my best ever.

I am in phase II - which is blenderized and soft foods. I am also having a real tough time getting my protein down. It is a huge struggle. Partly because I don't like the taste, partly because I feel like I just can't get all those fluids down. 64 oz is a LOT!  After discussing it over with a couple of my friends, Jennifer, who did the WLS with me, Cedric, who introduced me to Dr. Acevas, and my Angel Gaby, I have decided it is a mental issue more than most. 

Somewhere I read that we are supposed to only drink 2 ounces every 15 minutes. In MY mind that did not compute. That had me drinking every 15 minutes, no way was I going to have time for that!  As the days went by, I was still drinking just 2 oz every 15...and it was not working for me.  Cedric had to remind me that 1. I have not been adjusted yet, and 2. I am in the 3rd week post-op and I can drink a little more than that! I can also start leraning to listen to my body. When I'm full, I'm full!  But I need to remember that water, and most clear liquids don't accumulate in the stomach..they slip by the stoma pretty easily. I need to get the mental image out of my head of being spoon-fed my water!

I am doing better with the liquids, still struggling with the protein. But I have added tuna to my diet and there is protein there. That has helped. I have also tried the protein bullets. Taste a little funny - - like jello that is not quite sweetened, or gelled. But I can sip a bit every now and then and get it down within 30 minutes. That is easier. As for drinking the 64 oz of water/fluids. I can do it IF I carry a bottle around with me everywhere. Otherwise I just don't think about it  and that is bad.

I haven't posted on my progress in quite some time. The reason is simple. SHAME.   I was doing well..and went through a terrible situation with my relationship. I was engaged to be married and a couple of weeks before the wedding, he met someone else and instantly moved in with her. Very humiliating. VERY destructive for one's diet!!!

To sum up a long story, I found myself weighing in at 388 on Christmas Day. MY LARGEST I swear I was miserable... 

I went to see my doctor begging for him to approve WLS and he refused. He said he never saw that I lost weight because I only came in to see him AFTER I had re-gained the weight I had lost.  So I was determined then ever to show him.  By June 16th, I had lost 44lbs. I was SO EXCITED! I was sure I could do this on my own after all. I was a slow, easy process. I changed what I ate, I joined the RAC and started Aqualogix classes. I love those.

Mid-June I went on vacation. While I was with people, on the way to Michigan and the entire time I stayed there, I did real well. On my way back...I was alone...I blew it.  I gained 10 lbs back in a matter of THREE DAYS.

It was during this time that I made up my mind to have the WLS. I had already decided on what type I wanted, if I were to ever get it done. I never suggested it before because I didn't know how my (ex) SO would have taken the news.  Thinking back, I wonder if he was a chubby chaser?  Oh well. At any rate, I have made the decision and am very excited at what the future will bring.

Well last week was the worse week of my life because I hit the highest weight in my life. I can't live this way. I don't want to.  So I've been a little more conscious of what I eat and I'm trying to move more.

Eat Less - Move More - Eat Less - Move More...

right?

So its Tuesday, 4/15/08 (tax day LOL) and I am down 2 lbs. only 2? yes, but its 2 I am going to hang on to. If I can lose 2 lbs a week - that is between 6 and 8 lbs a month...that is 36 to 48 lbs by my brother's wedding - that will make me happy. I won't be any where near where I need to be, but I'll feel better and won't feel like I need to miss his wedding.

So this week I am on vacation with my children as it is their spring break.  We, as a family, decided to do something fun.  MY idea of fun is lying around the yard, getting a little sun...their idea includes a little bit more activity.  We opted not to go to Disney Land because it would be too much walking.  How sad is that?  Sowe went to Carlsbad Caverns. I also let them drag me down the two-mile hike rather than taking the elevator down...Oh my goodness, that was three days ago and I can barely move!  My calves are killing me, my thigh muscles are going to explode, I just kow it, and I am discovering that apparently your back muscles get used when hiking down a steep trail...for a mile.

I feel bad. I don’t want this weight of mine to keep the family from having fun. I am trying like crazy to get motivated, but the more I try, the bigger I get.

Weight this morning is 380....my top weight EVER. How on earth did I let this get so far out of control??  How can I stop it?  I do NOT want to gain another ounce...I can’t afford it - I will surely die before I am 40.  I can’t!!!  I am afraid to go to my doctor for help - I am ashamed...

This is all to painful, physically, mentally and emotionally.

I am SO SICK of hearing that! When I don’t finish my plate at dinner, or if I refuse a bowl of chocolate ice cream at 10pm, don’t complain that I’m not eating! Encourage me! Make me feel good for making the right choices!

I get so frustrated when I hear things like, "your not fat, you are a bigger person with more to love." Really? Is this saying you won’t love me if I’m half my size...and healthy?

Leaving half of my plate does not mean I am starving myself. Why can’t he see that?