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Saturday was my 5 month surgiversary and I couldn’t be happier with my progress – even if I were now at goal!  Seriously, the ride is half the fun.  I don’t want to “be there” yet.  Not just yet.  I mean, it's like living a whole new life and every morning I wake up and think, “Yay!  I get to live life today in this new body”.  What will I wear?  Who will I see? What WOW moments will I experience?  What will change for the better today?
 

I have been experiencing becoming un-invisible.  I now get smiles when people pass, I get doors held open for me, I get super friendly greetings from cashiers and wait staff…I love noticing these little things now. This has been said before, but I have to wonder  if my own increased confidence and self esteem plays some part in all this.  I don’t see how it cant, especially sub-consciously.  I mean, I remember how horrible I felt when I realized my weight had rendered me invisible.  I no longer got looks or smiles from people – they just looked beyond me or over my head as they passed.  It’s the most dismissive, horrible feeling.  As if they are saying you don’t matter enough to make eye contact with and include a simple nod. Sometimes I felt like yelling, “Hey dill weed, you’re certainly no prize either.  Nice mullet and camel-balls”.  I mean, Hello!    What I really hated were the snide comments and snickers I would hear sometimes when I passed by a table of guys at a bar.  “There’s one for ya,” they would remark  and poke their buddy in the ribs.   Are you freakin’ kidding me?  Are you really ridiculing me as I walk by so all of you can laugh at my expense?  WTF? As if I don’t feel self-conscious enough walking into a crowded bar next to my size 7 friends, you f*ckers have to hit me with the one thing I dread  the most?  I hope your drinks render you impotent tonight when you take some trashy bar s*ut home and she generously passes on some horribly inflamed and painful STD to you!   

Huh (blink, blink)?  Ohhh there I go, digressing into happy rainbow daydreams … 

Anyhoo, I realize that I am probably not done dealing with the stupidity of my fellow human beings but I can say that I am no longer invisible to most and that’s a fantastic feeling.  I don’t want to stick out, I just don’t want to be ignored because of my weight. 

Why does invisibility matter so much to me?  Why do I hate it so vigorously?  Well, I thought about that a lot.  What I came up with might seem vain or narcissistic, even conceited  - but these are my thoughts and you’re along for the ride so hopefully you can relate a little: 

Its bad when you’re fat.  At every turn, society says FAT IS BAD.  FAT IS UGLY.  FAT IS WRONG.  Above all, beauty is coveted and revered.  Everyone wants to be beautiful, even though everyone has their own idea of what constitutes beauty.  Eye of the beholder type thing.  Now, imagine a woman with a pretty face - and a fat body. You live in constant conflict.  You know men find you attractive but date you?  Never! Sleep with you?  Well, Duh!  As long as their friends don’t know.  Can we blame them? Maybe, but men are visual and wired to seek out  physical satisfaction in the moment (and don’t really worry about the consequences).  But that’s another blog…  You know other women don’t find you to be a threat, yet they still cannot resist the occasional dig and snarky comment about (say it with a whine) “How fat they are”. Stoopid girls.  They know d@mn well you are in the room and if they think their size 8 @ss is “sooo fat”, what they hell do they think about your’s?  So, if they don’t find you threatening, why the need to make themselves feel better by attempting to make you feel bad about the 150 plus lbs you have on them.  As if you don’t feel bad enough about it already?  Maybe they think you don’t know you are fat and if they gently remind you, it might sink in?? Brilliant! Again, stoopid girls.  Oops, there I go again, digressing.  Sorry. 

Anyway, the reason I hate being invisible so much is this:  When you are fat, that’s bad enough.  When you are fat with a pretty face, that’s all you have.  It doesn’t mean you aren’t smart or fun or that you don’t possess a million other amazing qualities, it just means that you are judged first by your body then by your face.  One takes the sting away from the other and you are give a little societal slack.  When you “lose your face”, what have you got?  It seems like very little. You see it in the mirror every day…what happened?  I don’t get looks or smiles anymore.  Now, I really don’t matter.  These are thoughts that go thru your head and before you know it, you are withdrawing from social situations and pretty much, life. Sigh.

So anyway, that’s why I am so happy that I am coming out of my self-imposed exile.  Maybe I can relate the whole thing to people who started out thin, gained weight and had WLS to lose it.  You had physical beauty before, but then sort of lost it.  So when it comes back, you are happy, healthy and maybe you would only admit it to yourself, but you are also a little bit …a lot bit, relieved. 

You can keep that cloak, Harry Potter.  I’m ok being seen.

Phew! I just got flamed, hated on and generally told off!   I can officially join the club.

So this morning I clicked into a post by someone asking for help/advice.  She was a young post-op who has turned to alcohol.  So I was scanning the replies, seeing only positive responses and thinking  - OK, this is good.  Everyone is being supportive.  Then I see a response from someone who basically flamed her and gave zero support.  Well, that pissed me off.  So, being slightly quick tempered, I responded back and called her a douche.  Not nice, huh? Immature? Probably. Should I have?  Not likely.  But I did - can’t take it back.  I figured I would get responses to my name-calling and should have taken my chastisement like a woman and left it alone.  Not me.  I am PMS’ing.  Sigh…that spells trouble. So, in my own bitchy stupor, I then called her and her defender a bitch.  Now, before you get all… “Well Jo, you deserve a flame after that one”, let me just say, I know.  It just wasn’t nice or even in my nature.  But dammit, I was pissed and PMS’ing and it happened. I should have used better judgment.  I’m not perfect, but I’m also a big hearted, empathetic, sweet and funny supportive person.  I love animals, I am creative, my friends love and support me and I am always there to listen if you need it.  I have bad days and questionable moments just like the rest of you, so what’s done is done.  Also, she got me back by calling me a Twat Waffle. Ok, so if anything, I have a really good sense of humor and I have to agree – that is a good burn.  

So anyway in response, a veteran (WTF ever) and "friend" of both of these women, proceeds to slam me in a 5-6-paragraph post.  Oh no!  I have pissed her off while she's having her coffee.  She tells me I have no business calling her friends bitches, I am just a newbie (since ahh hello, 11/07), have ventured into uncharted territory and as a newbie I have made a terrible impression by calling these women bitches and now everyone will know it and I am doomed (ok, I paraphrased the doomed part for added drama). Oh, and my favorite comment, that I should just “stick to my own forum.”  WTF does THAT mean?

Hmmmm… what?  I have my own forum!!!?  Well that’s cool!!  Wonder where it is?  Wait…o…m…g…  does she mean the Black American forum?  She is freaking kidding me, right? .  Um, pull your pointy white hood down, "roach", cuz I can see your face.  First of all, I was in the R&R forum for God’s sake. Is that forum assigned to some“one” in particular?  Have I overstepped some delusional/residual old south boundaries?  To me, this says waaaaay more about who she is than anything I could have ever said back to her.  Um, Uncharted Territory?  So a “newbie” has never before in the history of OH called someone a name and ticked off all the “girls in the click”??  Please.  I was popular in high school - I know how things work.  In fact, many of the forums/threads on OH are exactly like High School, IMO.  And according to her, now nobody will like Jo.  Oh no, how ever will I manage?    

So here’s the part that gets me - oddly even more so than "roach's" racist comment. BTW, I keep calling her roach because her screen name makes reference to an insect (quite fitting, actually).  Later, I check my mail and see about five responses to my original response (as expected).  One person comments that I have turned an alcoholics plea for help into something all about me.  That’s not it at all.  I was pissed because this girl asks for help and she got such a judgmental, shitty response from someone who has been on here long enough that this girl could really have benefited from her wisdom. Nope.  Instead she blasts her and her character without knowing more than a few sentences about her.  You may not agree, but that's pure BULLSHIT on a forum that purports to be here for the purpose of support.  Shame on OH for allowing such nonsense!!!  Later, I get another from someone who tells me if I cleaned up my language, I could really make a contribution.  I’ll take that as a compliment, because – I happen to agree.  I shouldn’t have name called.  I see another from someone whose story I have followed for many months – from her pre-op issues to her approval to her subsequent loss and victories!  She started her response by agreeing that yes, I was in fact a twat waffle, before moving on to her point about how she is sick of people always accusing others of being trolls.  Now, we have never chatted or exchanged posts, she doesn’t know me - but oddly, I feel particularly cut by her comment because I have always enjoyed her story, following her posts and her sense of humor.  Will that change? I hope not…  (edited to include update:  Yeah, now when I see her posts, I ignore them)

So anyway, that’s my flame story.  At the time, I should have taken the time to express why I got so mad and name called instead of  keeping the back and forth going,  but I didn’t feel like a big long diatribe that early and…well…I was stinking PMS’ing.  I’m not making excuses, I’m owning up to my part in this and I intend to learn from it. So I made a few old bugs (oh, I mean veterans) mad?  Pfffft. BIG EFFING DEAL!  Its only one day in my life and I learned a lot about the kind of poster/OH member I DON’T want to be.  Tomorrow someone else will make a comment that pisses someone off and the whole thing will start over again.  HAve your RAID ready!

The thing is, I saw something on the profile of one of my OH friends - someone I admire immensely and who would never stoop to name calling on the boards; that sums it all up for those who will continue to think I’m a twat waffle or a drama queen or an out-of-line-newbie making waves/picking fights I have no business making: 

“I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best ~ Marilyn Monroe”  Thanks JR J

Yeah, I eat meat.  Actually, 85-90% of my daily food intake consists of meat.  Protein - whey protein if I am really having a hard time getting it in, but I digress.  So, lets get to the real topic, bones.

I am in the fourth month of my weight loss journey and am making all sorts of new and exciting  discoveries…on my own body.  No, no, nothing sexual, you pervs!  I am talking specifically about bones.  Now, I knew I had them.  I knew they were there under all the chubb.  I could occasionally feel some of them – my elbow, my knee cap, my shin, my knuckles…  But now, they seem to be popping out of nowhere!  New bones I have never been able to feel are jumping out at me as if to say “Well, it’s about freakin time! How the heck are ya?”  I have met my new and improved elbows – so tiny and pointy!  My hip bones – Ok, really?…because these are a trip to me.  I can feel my collar bones just waiting to bust out and stake a claim!  Lets talk about my shoulder bones – these suckers are bony!  The other day I was carrying something heavy and decided to toss it up on my shoulder to make it easier to carry…OW! SUNNUVA @$%##%^##!  That flippin hurt!  Apparently I no longer have the padding to do that.  My breastbone is no longer buried under fluffy flab and OMG my jawbone! I have often admired an elegant, chiseled, feminine jawbone and I’m pretty sure that at this moment I have one that is patiently waiting to make it to the stage.   Me, with the overly chubby cheeks and barely a semblance of a neck, will soon have a gorgeous jawline and swan-like neck!  Ok, Ok, maybe not swan-like but whatev!!  Just check out my before pics (me in the green turtleneck), to see what I mean.

Oh yeah, I also found my thigh bone!  I mean are you serious?  It’s so crazy to actually touch a bone that you have never been able to feel before in your life.  Many OH’ers  have been thin before and gained weight later in life but some of us have been overweight our entire lives. Since we were kids.  So to feel a part of our own body that has been there since birth, for the first time, is actually a pretty amazing thing to experience.  

As of January, I have lost 75 lbs and I expect more bones to start peeking out and saying hello.  This really is the craziest, coolest most amazing weight loss I have ever experienced  and certainly the best. Here’s looking forward to the next 75 lbs!

Today I had my three month check up with my surgeon.  Of course the first thing they do is weight you and oh looky, looky – I lost 65 lbs.  

Hey, that’s pretty good!  The physician assistant was pretty excited for me too and said that was a really good loss.  

Well, well well... what do you know?  This surgery "thing" just might work out for me after all. Cool.

My hopes weren’t very high earlier this morning.  I am coming off a week of PMS eating – more like grazing, really.   I won't go into the very gory details but let’s just say I wasn’t expecting my weekly weigh in (I weigh myself every Monday – the same day I had surgery) to be anything to blog about.  

So, I step on the scale and slowly, reluctantly look down.  Blink, blink.  “Huh? That cant be right.”  Rub my eyes, tap the scale again and reposition myself  in the center.  Look down…  “ Well I’ll be a sonnuva… 8.5 lbs lost?  8.5 lbs?  Yahoooo!” 

Sidebar:  How in the heck did I lose 8.5 lbs in a week eating like I did?  Whatever.  I’m not looking at it like something that worked for me – it’s something that just turned out in my favor.  I wont be repeating  like that next month.  That’s for sure. 

Anyway, maybe my body let go of a few pounds because of my increase in calories and maybe it was water loss.  Either way, I'm really happy with an 8.5 lb loss.  If this were the Biggest Loser, I would definatley be above the yellow line this week! 

Lets take a quick jaunt into the past, shall we?  

Autumn 2007.  My yard is a mess of dead leaves that need to be raked and bagged before winter rears its ugly head and they become buried under 14 feet of angry snow for the next 4 months.  Do I want to do it?  Hell no!   Within 10 minutes my back will be screaming for mercy, my legs will be all rubbery, I will be sweating like a NYC marathon runner at mile marker 18 and I might as well just forget about bending over to actually pick the leaves up and bag them!  Hmmm... I wonder what neighborhood kid I can hoodwink into bagging 40 piles of leaves for me for the low, low rate of five  bucks? 

“Hey Junior, do you want to make some easy money?”  

Yes…in one moment, with one question, I have become the neighborhood weirdo.  The one to avoid with a suspicious glance and quickend steps.  Sigh. Damn kids these days are too smart to dupe.  

I  hate yard work.  

Fast forward to now…  So this morning I made breakfast, did laundry, threw a Cornish Hen into the crock pot for dinner and basically attempted to tackle every little project that had been sitting on the back burner all winter – just to avoid the dreaded work that lay waiting for me outside.  Raking Leaves.  

Reluctantly I put on my work gloves and my crocs, my comfy clothes, my hat and sunglasses.  I grab my rake and shovel, my yard waste tub, my leaf bags, my dog poo scooper and a big bottle of water and head outside.  Ironically, for someone who hates yard work as much as I do, I am surprisingly well equipped! 

Wow, it’s really nice out here.  Its warm and the sun is shining, my neighbors are out, the kids are playing and there is a slight spring breeze.  

My dog looks at me as he plops down in the sun, clearly in no hurry to get back inside, as if to say, 
“Well, the yard isn’t going to rake itself, you know.” 

“Yeah, yeah” I mumble as I dig in and start to rake. 

Five minutes into it…no problems.  No aches, pains or discomfort.  Ten minutes…the same.  Twenty…Thirty…OMG, this is great!  My muscles are buzzing, my back is just fine, I can bend over again and again to bag and pick up every last leaf and I’m not sweating…huh - what???  I’m not sweating? You have got to be kidding me! I’m not sweating!  This is very enjoyable.  The yard is starting to look awesome, and I am not ready to stop.  This means I can do my curb too!  Two hours later, I guess this means don’t hate yard work anymore!  

See, here’s the thing.  I didn’t hate yard work; I hated how doing it made me feel.  It hurt my body to bend and stretch and move.  It made me feel miserable and uncomfortable and just unhappy.  I would only be able to finish part of it at a time and sure as hell wouldn’t want to go back and finish the rest of it later!  Wow.  

It started me thinking - what else did I avoid doing because of how it made me feel?  I made a list and it is HUGE!  I have a lot to get moving on!  I have things to do and places to go!  It liberating! It’s amazing! It’s a huge relief to know that from now on, life isn’t about “will I fit?” or “that’s going to make me uncomfortable” or “what if I cant?”  Life is going to be about - “Wow! That was enjoyable!”

Here's to beautiful lawns everywhere ~ 

Since January 14^th,  I have lost 54 lbs.  And honest to God, it feels like 100. 

The energy I have now is so effortless.  I don’t even realize it when I have spent almost two hours zipping around Wal-Mart or the local mall.  Before, I would have been exhausted after 30 minutes and/or would never have stepped foot inside that d@mn mall!   I take walks on my breaks at work.  I chat with my walking partner the whole time and arrive back with that invigorating body buzz, not all sweaty and exhausted.  Before I would have huffed and puffed the whole time, my calves screaming and on fire.

“This sucks, why am I doing this? Because it’s good for you, shut up and keep your bigg @ss moving.” 

I wouldn’t have been able to chat as I walked, just grunt incoherently in agreement when someone says, “What a beautiful day!  A great day for a walk, dontcha think?” 

Yeah.  Frickin gorgeous.

I can stand at the sink and do dishes with no back discomfort!  I can sleep on my belly again!  I can bend over and pick something up off the floor without cutting off the oxygen supply to my head! I can put lotion on my feet and legs without the assistance of a pulley system!  I can wear a seatbelt comfortably with lots of room between the steering wheel and my tummy!  Best of all, I can now walk the dog for fun, not just to get him to crap!

My 30/32 shirts are way too big and my 26/28’s will soon follow.  I have gone down 2 pant sizes and 1 shoe size, my bra’s are on the last hook and I have gone down 3 underwear sizes – all because of 54 pounds!  Its crazy! This is the first time – ever – in my life – that I have lost a significant amount of weight, and it just keeps dropping off!! 

Now, it's not always easy – some days its soooo hard.  About 5-6 weeks post-op, I got to a point where I just didn’t feel like eating.  It felt like a chore.  Like too much trouble for little or no pleasure.  On those days, I just did protein shakes or smoothies.  I remember crying in the bathroom at work because I was so tired of food making me feel sick and getting stuck and hurting.  I just wanted to eat something and enjoy the experience!  At that point, I could somewhat understand the posts where whiney people ask, “What Did I Do to Myself?”   Although, I really do hate it when people ask that friggin question.  It annoys the shit out of me.  You know damn well what you did!  YOU HAD MAJOR SURGERY TO REWORK YOUR INTESTINES SO YOU EAT MUCH LESS FOOD THAN YOU USED TO!  NOW DON’T ASK AGAIN!

Anyway, at about 8 weeks, it got MUCH better.  Now I have very little problems with food and it getting stuck.  I don’t dump hard on sugar but I DO dump.  It’s not miserable, but it’s not fun either.  My  races, I sweat (which I NEVER do anymore), and I get this feeling in my tummy like there is a big wad of yuck down there and it wont move.  Oh, and I get really sleepy.  Sigh… so long dump-inducing food (cereal w/milk, Yoplait Thick n Creamy, anything with over 7-8 grams of sugar).

When people told me my tastes would change and that some of the things I used to love, I wouldn’t like much anymore, I was like – Whatever! I could love them, you dont know!!  But sadly, it’s true.  My favorite all time meal used to be pork steak simmered in mushroom soup, served over mashed potatoes with cheese.  I would eat that at least twice a week.  I loved it.  It was my ultimate comfort food - creamy and savory and filling. Since surgery I have tried it twice and both times it just wasn’t as good or as flavorful as I remembered it being.  It was too hard to eat.  I was so sad about that.  But really… now I have new favorites and they Rock My World!! 

Oranges…OMG they are awesome. Smoked swiss cheese…Oh Baby!  Veggies grilled on my George Foreman grill….Holy Crap are they heavenly! 
Refried beans with cheese…mmmmm (pfttt. oops. heh heh. sorry).  Meat and veggie casseroles…double mmmmm!

Cheesy mashed potatoes are still pretty good, I must say…     

Anyhoo, now it seems like I crave really healthy stuff.  I have always been a fan of healthy food, but now I drool when I think about veggies and salads and fresh fruit and grilled meats and cheeses and crunchy wheat crackers... 

Uh oh, I feel funny… must… find…orange… 

After she left, one of my co-workers came up to me and said, “Never, ever lose as much weights as XXX did, she is WAY too thin! She looks bad.”  I was immediately pissed!  WTF?  XXX looked fantastic and who was she to take that away from her?  None of us has ever seen XXX thin, so why, just because she is in a size 6 (a much smaller size than her critic, I might add), is she too thin? Is this what I have to look forward to? …Whispers behind my back about how unappealing my weight is to others AFTER having lost a significant amount?  Would they rather I stay FAT so that when compared to them, THEY look great??  Would it be easier for them if my incredible achievement didn’t shine the light on their lack of attention to their own weight issues?  My God!  Why are women so unkind and catty to each other?   I went into this knowing full well how hard it would be to deal with the emotional aspect of WLS.  What I didn’t expect was that most of the negative emotion would come from those who claim to be our supporters, and not from within myself.  I mean, some days I just bust out with a squeal of joy because I am so happy to be alive and so excited for the changes that have and will come my way.  I know not everyone will feel that for us…that’s the beauty of this being our own private joy.  BUT why now, does someone else’s happiness for us hinge on their own body image and how they THINK WE SHOULD LOOK??  Haven’t we earned the right to enjoy looking in the mirror, to be complimented, to not be ignored, to be admired and even envied?

Yes dammit, we have!  

We have earned that right and we deserve it. It’s our time to shine so whip open the curtains, mamma... and ROCK IT!

...She turn around and gave that big booty a smack(heyyy)

She hit the floor
(She hit the floor)

Next thing you know
Shorty got below, below, below, below, below, below, below, below...

300 Lbs! 

Yahooo, yeap!  Below 3 zero zero lbs and I couldn't be happier!  Thats 44 lbs (cuz I'm countin') and awww shoot, I might as well give my booty another smack!

hm, now how do I change my BMI??

Ha! Up yours, scale!  I lost 7 lbs this week and all my pants are getting way too big on me!  33 lbs in 30 days...I'll take it!