Killer_Dimples

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Last night I was standing at the mirror on my birthday and realized I don’t know the person standing before me.  I don’t know how I could let myself go so badly.  Before I moved 3 years ago.  I was on a roll.  I had lost 40 lbs on my own and I was doing it.  I guess moving here and finding it hard to make friends and not being mobile just did it for me.  Not to mention that a year ago I was pregnant.  Yet those are all just excuses I know.  I think I just gave up and now I am suffering for it.  I want to change.  I really do.

Happy Birthday to me!
Happy Birthday to me!
Happy Birthday to dear MEEE!
Happy Birthday to me!

This past weekend sucked.  I need to get my self in control.  I felt so fat Sunday when I went to Lane Bryant to get a bra.  Nothing seem to fit me right.  I am now getting bruised when I wear my bras.   I need to do something.  I want to join a gym but I don't have anyone to watch Elijah while I am there.  I have someone to go the gym with now so that's good.  I can't wait to get thing started.  I need to call Dr. Pohl's office to find out what I need to do about doing the testing.  I am sure I need a referral for them.

I got my braces!!!  They have hearts on the upper top four.

I am bummed. I went to the seminar for Dr. Pohl and I called and I booked my consult for May 25th.  I also booked an appointment for my doctor to start a diet like I was directed and today the nutritionist calls to make an appointment and my insurance doesn't cover them.  I have to now call my insurance and find out who they do cover and have my doctor send over a referral for them.  I also have to be on a 6 month diet for my insurance too.  So this kind of sucks.  I am a little bit unsure to what I have to do about the other testings I have to have done for the surgery too.  I guess I have 6 months to get them all done. LOL  I will at that in a postive.   Just bummed I hit my first rock in the road.

I called.  I talked to someone there and I am going to go to the seminar that Dr. Pohl has.  The next on is next Thursday.  You have to go to a seminar in order to make an appointment.  After the seminar they pass out an attendance sheet.  Then the next day you can call and make an appointment. They are booked as far out as June.  I will ask if I can also be on a list they might have or call back every month until then I guess to get an earlier consult.   I am not sure if Louie will be happy if I get the surgery.  He says he will support me in whatever I choose.  We will see.  I am getting excited that I have started some kind of process.  At the same time I am really nervous about going to the seminar alone.  I can't bring my mom with me because she will be watching my son and Louie is working on Thursday.  I don't really have many friends here in Rhode Island.  I have one friend that might be able if it wasn't on a Thursday. 

[Time lapse] 

Well since writing this I have found a friend that will go with me.  She is all behind me on this.  She hopes I do get the surgery. Yay!

I went to my doctor today and I finally asked. I was surprised that she didn't tell me know.  She gave me a doctors name and I am going to call him tomorrow to see if I need to have a referral from her for my insurance.  I believe I do.  One of my co-workers says I do since he is a specialist and we both have insurance from the state.  I have taken the second step. Well I think it's the second step.  I don't know what surgery I want anymore. I wanted the min-gastric bypass but that is just too much to go through money-wise.  I rather go for something that I will have a better chance of having insurance cover it.  I just need to get my ass going and call tomorrow.  I did make an appointment for my braces.  I think that's a step for me. I have a hard time calling doctors. Oh well I am happy I took the first step.

I have been doing research and I am now just all confused on what I want and where to go from here. I am nervous about talking to my PCP because I don't really know her. I don't know what she is going to say when I bring up the surgery. I hope I have the courage to talk about it with her and I hope she has some postive feed back to give me. I will be seeing her on Tuesday mainly because of my back. I have been having back problems for awhile now as my weight get higher, but now it's even worse because I have fallen down a flight of stairs. My ankles have gotten worse with the weight gain. My left one now gets charlie horses and crackles. I find it's hard to work through the pain so I can work out and walk. I can't afford to join a gym right now because I want to focus on getting the surgery and braces. I read profiles when I can, but I tend to get overwhelmed. I feel like I don't know where to start at the some time I do know. I found a procedure that I really like and interested in but it just seems like it will be too much out or reach so that frustrates me and hurts. I understand where they are coming from but still. Why make it so hard and stressful on a person. Maybe I am feeling the stress because I am not on any anti-depressants and I am feeling more overwhelmed by things and life. I didn't like the ones I was on and I just stopped using them after they ran out. I am going to also talk to her about that as well. I just wish I had a buddy out there to help me through this all. Someone that has been through what I have and just can guide me and cheer me on.

Last night I went to a support meeting for patients of Dr. Roye and Dr. Harrington. We arrived late. I always hate being late, but what can you do when you get lost. It was good. It was interesting seeing some of the people that I have seen on here there. It’s like WOW these people are really real. LOL Well I went home and signed onto the website that I was given and I am filling it out. I hope to be able to finish what I need to. I couldn’t get much done last night with Elijah. He just missed his mommy too much and wanted me to play with him before he went to bed. Two women that were there were just raving about doctor Roye. I will just have to see myself. I am still thinking about Dr Pohl as well.

Yesterday I had one of those days where I just felt trapped in this body. I haven't contacted a surgeon as of yet or talked to my PCP. I just don't know where to start. I have three names to call and to look into. I guess I am scared. I have been looking into this surgery and wanting this for years. I guess the first step is going to be the hardest. I just feel I don't know how to begin.