Oh what a ride!

Feb 12, 2009

Wow! I didn't think it had been that long ago since I had last written here. Like to post at least once a month whether it has to do with WLS or not....Let's see what has been happening...it is raining men!! can I open up my mouth and talk to them...NO!!! I am conciously making an effort though, put myself out there more and more every day.  Being obese as many of you know, no one wants to acknowledge you let along talk to you, and that is how it has been my entire adult life even when I was a teenager. So it is hard to be getting all this attention from men when I am so used to just crawling up into a ball and hiding in the corner or being completely invisible to them even if I was the biggest person in the room. I had posted a while back about a fireman that I am interested in and I still am but as time goes on the more and more I am thinking that he is married. Today I found out that he has a kid, which to me is more of a con than it is a pro. I don't even know if I want kids let alone having to be with someone elses...just not a situation I think I want to be in and who knows maybe he is married. Then I thought to myself...I still need to become friends with him so he can introduce me to his hot SINGLE co-workers!!! My co-workers think I am crazy with all of these men....well it is something that I never had before and it feels SOOOOOOOO good to be checked out. I was telling my mom the other day that i felt like a teenager! You know when you are a teenager you are cruising around town looking for hot guys and what not well that is what I feel like cept the kind of man I am looking for certainly isn't going to be cruising around looking for chicks!!
I joined weight watchers a couple weeks ago to help get the last 20 pounds off and to maintain my weight. As more time goes on I am realizing just how bad my addiction to food and and what a bad relationship it is that I have with food...the question how do I fix it??? I was thinking about maybe reading the dr phil book and doing the exercises for his weight solution to help me get inside of my head to get those things straightened out. I have went to a counselor Mary Ellen but its almost like she doesn't seem to think that I have a problem and when I call her to go see her we only talk about body image and the things that I bring up and when I do talk about the food it is like she glazes right over that....thinking maybe I should find someone else???
I have also set up an appointment for a consultation for a LBL and a breast augmentation so we will see what happens with that. Not sure when I will beable to get it done but well see what he has to say. Gotta run before I burn the burgers on the grill!  I can't wait for summer!!

Weight 4 Me Christmas Weight loss Program

Nov 19, 2008

For the past few days I have been wondering what I am going to do about the holidays because I know there is going to be food galore and christmas parties, etc Well this morning when I walked into the gym I saw this sign that said weight for me. I read the little caption and it said an 8 week program for during the holidays to help you keep on track with exercising and maintaining/losing weight. I thought to myself that is it that is going to give me the accountability! So i got an application for it and read through it and the prizes and I thought for a cash prize and a one month free membership( thats 55.00!) I will do it! So I am going to sign up for this program and since I am so competive I am going to whip some ass!! I know that it will keep me on track and help me reach my goal weight of 150 pounds by dec 31 cause the contest starts dec 1 and ends like jan 23 so it will definately get me through the holidays. I have 22 pounds to go so it will be no problem doing this program...All I have to do is weigh myself once a week and submit it and call it good. Especially since it is going to cost me 10.00 to weight myself and am damn well going to get something out of it. Plus I will look ten times better. I was talking with Kathy, she is one of the trainers at the gym and I asked her if she would help my change up my routine because I was doing the same things for over a year and my body was getting used to it and I wasn't really losing and wasn't seeing any body changes at all. Well she completely changed it which is great its like a renewed sense going to the gym and I love it. I am already seeing the results of my workout I can see a little bit of toning already coming through and I am losing the pounds fast again. I think the change in the work out was just what I needed to the weight loss kick started again. my goal for this week is to lose 5 pounds I have already lost 3 and I still have 5 more days togo before I report the weight loss so it would be great if I could get down to 168! that would be soooo awesome!!! :D I would like to get down to 160 by thanksgiving but I am not going to push it. If I do get down that far that would be soooo great but if not I know I will be doing my best and eating properly and exercising and doing what I can to get to my goal of 150 by dec 31.

My Fireman

Oct 20, 2008

There is this guy at the gym that is GORGEOUS! He is a fireman. I am constantly drooling over him and I also see him staring at me but I can't get a simple hi out to talk to him. The fat girl thoughts set in and I think that I am not pretty enough or haven't lost enough weight or tell myself why would he want to talk to me I am to fat, or I am fooling myself if he is looking at me! These are the things I would always tell myself when I was obese. Now when it comes to approaching a guy I have no confidence what so ever! A friend of mine is like you need to get all dolled up and wear make up and do your hair her words were "you have it flaunt it!" I am like why would I do that if I am just going to get all sweaty anyways?! So today I took her advice and put on a cute gym outfit and put make up on and just pulled my hair back in the normal ponytail. I told myself today you have to look at him to make eye contact. Well I got that far with him! When I was running on the treadmill today which is across the gym from were the weights are where he is, I would see him go get a drink and he would constantly look over at me, and of course I would be staring at him...and when I would lift weights we would stare at one another but hurry up and look away if the other one started looking...this is so childish we just need to talk to one another.
Well here the other day I stopped at the grocery store to get a starbucks and I had called my mom when I was sitting out in the car talking to her who but walks out is my fireman with his fellow fireman doing their shopping. SO the next time (which I think is tomorrow) I am going to get all dolled up and go to the store when he is there and say hi to him whem I pass him in the isle  well see if that does the trick and breaks the ice at the gym! TIme will tell


Oct 19, 2008

Yesterday I ran in and completed my first 5k race!!! I was worried at te beginning of the race because it was cold outside (approx 40 degrees) and by the time the race started my feet and hands were frozen. Then when the race started I started at the back and ran at my own pace. When I started seperating from the group I started freaking out like oh my god I am going to be the last one to finish the race!! Then I started thinking about all of the advice that I had received from other runners and from the people on the exercise forum and I calmed myself down and realized I wasn't the last one!  So I got into a stride and was jammin to my tunes and just went for it! I kept telling myself that I wasn't the last one and that it's ok to walk if I needed to, but I DIDN"T NEED TO WALK!!! I was so excited that I didn't need to walk at all! I ran the entire race in 32:40!! Which I couldn't be happier with! At the end of the race there was a girl that started running next to me and I really think we were pulling one another through the last stretch of the race. Well as the finish line came into sight and I could see the clock it is like i just got this total adreneline rush and thought this is what I have been training for, for the last few months this is what I have wanted. There was two ladies running in front of me and the last few hundred meters I pushed as hard as I could and passed them and crossed the finish line!!!
The weeks before the race I kept telling people that I think that it will be my last race because it was to the point that I didn't really like running anymore. I wanted to run because I wanted to run and enjoyed it, not because I felt that I had to. After finishing the race I knew that I was going to run another race. Tonight I was looking at running a 10k or even a half marathon but I am going to see how things go first. I am going to continue running everyday and if something comes up I will do it but as of right now I am going to put a half marathon on the back burner. I am going to concentrate on getting my speed up so I can run a mile and a half in like 7-8 minutes for when I am testing for police officer position.
I am just so proud of myself for completing the 5k without walking and in a great time of 32:40 which is approximately 11:03 per mile


Aug 29, 2008

I started training outside for the 5k that is coming up in Oct, boy oh boy can you tell the difference! I have found that I like it alot better then a treadmill, plus I push myself alot harder when I am working out outside. I am up to 2.6 miles so I need to add another .5 miles to my run within the next couple of weeks to have prepared myself enough for the 5k. Everyday that I get out and run I think about being 332 pounds and always wanting to run and couldn't but now I can so I am! It is such a good feeling to finally be doing the things I have always wanted to do. I am now doing the things I could only dream about before surgery. I am running, exercising everyday, going to be graduating from college, studying for the civil service exam to become a police officer(still training for the physical ability test), applying for a job at the jail, feeling great about myself, more confident, and looking people in the eyes again. I didn't really realized how much I was missing out on when I was 332 pounds and lifted my head up and looked at the world and the people in it instead of constantly looking down at the ground because I was ashamed at the way that I look....now I look fabulous! At one time a guy I was seeing told me that the world was at my finger tips but I never truly believed that, but now I certainly do. I have a whole world out there waiting for me and I can't wait to explore!


Jul 27, 2008

What a rollercoaster ride the past couple of weeks it has been! I have had so many things going through my mind and things going on it has been hard to concentrate. 
I have been thinking the past couple of days that I have hit a plateau because my weight has stayed the same for the last two weeks. Then I thought that maybe because I havent been making the best food choices the last couple of weeks either....well today I got my period and I immediately thought ahh ha the culprit!! So we will see here in a couple days.
I am also in the process of training for a 5k which I know I will be ready for on Oct 18 I just need to start running outside more to get used to that. I have really been thinking of going back to a trainer for a few sessions. Along with training for this 5k I am also training for the physical ability test to become a police officer in Nashville, TN. So I am thinking if I go back to them for a few sessions they can show me some more exercises to get up my endurance and strength cause I want to whoop those guys asses in that obstacle course!!!  I can't believe that the time is coming to go and do the testing I only have one more year or less before I go....it is something that I have wanted for the last 5year s and it is so hard to believe that it is so close! I am starting to freak out! I know no one there, all of my family is in south dakota, I know I have all of their support but it is just really hard to leave the fam. I just want to start a new life and have new people in my life and spread my wings and fly! I have decided once I move to nashville that I am going to keep me having the surgery on the DL. I am not going to tell anyone I don't absolutely have to tell. Here it is like everyone knows that I have had surgery and it is something that I am constantly explaning or defending and I am sick of that I just want to be me and not be judged by having had this surgery. So anyways I want to lose another 50 pounds before taking the test and get into shape for the testing. Everyone is telling me that I don't have that much more to lose and that I shouldn't lose much more but you know what their not me and their not the ones living in this body or in this life. I want to get to my goal weight of 135...not 200 sometimes I think it is just because they aren't used to seeing me so small that being any smaller than I am is completely different territory I have never been this small in my adult life before. I am going to do what I feel is right and if they don't like it they are just going to have to live with it.

Life is Grand!

Jul 13, 2008

A BMI of 33.9! It is so shocking to me, I just don't think that should be my number I am used to it being in the 40's and 50's. I love my RNY!

Well I just got back from vacation which was a blast, for the first time I can say I actually lost weight rather then gained weight on vacation! I lost 4 pounds! I did alot of walking and ran one day, kept busy the majority of the time so that always helps. I did run just one day while I was there and I thought that it was going to kill me! I was in a much higher elevation then what I am used to so I thought I would just put the training off for a week and get right back into it on monday. Today is the midway point so I really need to step up my game now and really train hard. Going to the gym tomorrow and lifting is really going to suck since I haven't done it for a week. The week before I left I just upped some of the weight  I was lifting so will have to see how that goes. It will feel good though to get back into it, I really missed it. Who would have ever thought  I would say that!

Everything else is going pretty good but having issues with my blood sugar. It is getting really low and I try to do what I can to get it up but sometimes I just feel like passing out. I went to my dr but doing what he told me to do makes it worse so i think that I am going to call my dietian and talk with her about what has been going on and see if I can get a better result.  Other then that things are going great, the weight has just been melting away and I haven't had a stall since march...**knock on wood** so I am really happy with the way that everything is going and my personal life is just getting better and better!

Live Life to the Fullest

Jun 10, 2008

I never thought in my life I would love working out as much as I do, especially running. It's like I can't get enough of it. It is such a stress reliever for me and makes me feel so good. I am really starting to see the fruits of my labor, and I can't wait to see more. When I was at my heaviest I would look in the mirror looking back at myself saying that's not me, your in the wrong body, and saying I just want to see me not the fat I want to see what I look like thin! Now I am beginning to see it and I can't believe thats me either, but it is! I was going to walmart here the other night and I got out of the car and I saw a shadow so I thought someone was behind me and to my suprise it was me! I couldn't believe I was that small!! Even though I still have 83 more pounds to lose, I am at the lowest weight I can remember in a very long time. I think the last time I was 218 pounds was like my freshman year of high school or maybe even when I was in the 8th grade I am not sure when but all I know it has been a hell of along time. It feels so good. I can't wait to see what I will look like when I drop the other 83 pounds and get all the excess skin removed. Wow I can't even begin to imagine how I will feel! Lately I have found myself always wanting to look at myself in the mirror and touching my body trying to process the transformation and also just feeling the fat melt away. The day I went into surgery I wasn't nervous one bit, to me it just felt right and nothing was going to happen. I didn't even think about the possibility of dying because I knew everything would be ok and that I had choosen the right surgeon. I have never once regretted having this surgery, and I never will. It has changed my life for the better and I couldn't have gotten to this place without it. I LOVE MY RNY!!! I always thought that people were so corny when they said that but I can see why now.
There is a guy that I have been seeing his name is Kevin. I like him so much, to tell you the truth I have liked him since the first time I met him and that was almost 15 years go! For a long time I liked him off and on because I would never see him and then when i would the cycle would start all over again. Well for the last, I would say 3 years I have liked him on a consistant basis because i see alot more of him. Well I went out on my first date with him in april. From what people tell me that he really likes me alot. well we went out again in may and have made plans to do other things.We always have a good time when we are together and people keep telling me that he likes me alot, but the thing is he isn't showing it. I know that he is really shy which I understand but hello I have basically put it all out there but verbally saying that I like him and he won't call me to do anything I have to call him, and he hasn't even tried to hold my hand or even kiss me!!??? What the hell? If he likes me so much why doesn't he do something about it? So I have decided that I am going to give him till July 6 and if he doesn't do anything about it then I am moving on. I will date other men and if he gets the courage to ask me out fine I will go but I am definately going to play the field. The one thing that I really don't like about him is that he wants to sit at home all the time and I have sat at home for the last 27 years I don't want to sit at home anymore I want to be out having fun doing things and enjoying life not sitting at home in front of the TV wishing I was doing something screw that. SO I think that i will date other guys anyways becuase I have seen some checking me out!! and since I have never really dated I don't want to be in a commited relationship right out the door I want to go out and have some fun and really figure out what I want in a man.

The future is looking brighter!

May 21, 2008

I know that I shouldn't be comparing what I have lost to what others have lost that have had the surgery the same time as I did but it is just so hard not to. I am right about where everyone else is so I am happy about that. I have lost 105 pounds!!! Which I couldn't be happier about.
What I am not happy with right now is the way that I have been eating. I feel that I have been eating way to many things with sugar and eating larger portions. I am affraid I have stretched my stomach which could be the worst possible thing ever! As of yesterday I am going back to measuring my food again and not eating anything high in sugar. My goal is to get to 200 pounds by July 4 when I go on vacation, but at this point I don't know if that is going to happen because I still have 27 pounds to lose in a month. I know it can be possible with WLS but the way my weight has been coming off I am not so sure about that. Alot of people have had big numbers like losing 15 pounds in like a week and I have not had that. the most  I have lost was 5 pounds in one day and that was right after surgery for the most part I lost about 3 pounds a week.
I am affraid I am sabotaging myself. I know I am with school I think that I am just scared of the unknown. With school I only need two more classes to graduate with my associates degree and then I am free to get a job, but do you think I have done it...nope I have taken the class 3 times becuase I have dropped out of it...I just don't know why I am so scared to do it. I think the fact of moving across the country from my family is what is hard for me, and also expecting more of myself. Becuase in the past I could always blame the weight for not doing something or not succeeding but now the weight will not be there and it will all be on me. I am so affraid of failure I won't even try something. than I listen to a garth brooks song called how you ever gonna know? and I think to myself how am I ever going to know if i never even give it a shot so than I get myself all hyped up about it and ready to try it and than I starting thinking about it again and talk myself out of it it is just a vicious circle. I just need to get my shit together and do it. 
Right now I am training for a 5k in October which is two days after my birthday what a great present that will be. I am going to run it with my best friends sister it is going to be so much fun. The training has kinda sucked the last couple of days because of this cold that I have it makes it harder to run and I get alot warmer because of the cold but I am sticking to it. I have found in the last couple of years that I was exercising that I love to run so it is definately something that I want to do alot more of. I also decided when I hit the 200 mark I am going to start taking tae kwon do again. I did it for a month about 10 years ago and I loved it, so definately something that will give me exercise and I will love doing it. I also want to see if I can find a weekend volleyball league. I love love love volleyball! I wouldn't mind doing it during the week but the only thing is, is that it would be at night and since I work nights it wouldn't work out so have to see if I can find one on the weekends. I will have to call the Y or something to see if they have anything.
Another thing that I am working on is passing a physical ability test to become a police officer. The only thing that I am worried about not passing is having to scale/jump over the 5ft wall. I am sure once i build my strength and get my speed up I will have no problem. I know that I will do great on it. I am going to go to nashville to test because that is where I would like to work. I have about a year and 3 months left to train and get in shape for it. I just wish it was time already I have waited years to do this and now that it is about time it feels as if it is going at a snails pace. I know it will come soon enough, and then I will be leaving behind my friends and family to go make new friends and make a life for myself. It is just so exciting be think that it is only a year away!! it is just so hard to believe sometimes. I can't wait.

Another size smaller!!

Apr 17, 2008

I am sitting here thinking that I need to go make some breakfast I just don't feel like eating at all. I am so sick of eating the same things all the time because I am to afraid to try anything in fear I won't beable to eat it. I know that I can't eat left over meat like hamburgers and steak because they are to dry and they get stuck. I really don't like making things because just making food for one person is hard especially since I can't eat the left overs anyways. I would like to try eating the lean cuisnes but hesitant to do so because of all of the bread and I have said from the get go that I need to stay away from bread. Which for the most part I have been pretty successful at but I still have bread just not all the time like I used to, I just love carbs to much.
For about the last 2 weeks I have been very bad about taking my vitamins. I haven't taken them at all this week and I am thinking that is why I am feeling so sluggish. I absolutely hate taking pills but I know that I have to take them because I certainly don't want to get osteoporosis, but haven't been good about taking the calcium either. I could have the pills sitting in front of me for hours having me stare and them thinking about how much I don't want to take them rather then just taking them. I opted for the b12 shot because I knew there was no way I was going to take the pills everyday and I certainly don't need the problems that not having b12 can cause you. I really just need to step it up and start taking them everyday no excuses and do it in the morning so I don't have to dwell on it all day that I have to take them. I will get something figured out. 
Today when I went to the gym I wore a shirt that was a L!!! I was so excited even though it was a little tight it fit. I didn't care what the people thought about it I wasn't there for a fashion show I was there to work out for me and I felt comfortable enough in the shirt hell yes I am going to wear it so anyone that didn't like it can shut there hole. Eventually they can eat there heart out! Plus yesterday I went to lane byrant to get a pair of pants and I got a size smaller! Which was awesome...alot of my clothes now are to big so I am going to have to hit good will and the rummages this summer I will buy a few nice things from the stores but not going to go hog wild just yet until I have gotten to goal until then I will get nice second hand stuff.

About Me
Sioux Falls, SD
Surgery Date
Apr 22, 2007
Member Since

Friends 9

Latest Blog 27
Weight 4 Me Christmas Weight loss Program
My Fireman
Life is Grand!
Live Life to the Fullest
The future is looking brighter!
Another size smaller!!