life2live
Well, here goes, folks......I have struggled with weight issues all of my life. It's in my genes and on top of that, I am an emotional eater. Here I am at my all time high wondering "how the heck did this happen?" How did I become this fat? Surely this can't be me! Ugh! I guess that's not totally true though......I do know how, but it has been very difficult for me to face myself and this weight accumulation. My first memory of a problem concerning weight includes me playing with another child in our neighborhood telling her how great it would be to consume a nutritious pill once daily to allow the experience of tasting mashed potatoes, gravy, meat, and dessert without adding any calories to the body and all the while maintaining a normal weight. I couldn't have been more than 5 years old, but already at such a tender age, clearly my thought processes about food were unhealthy. What 5 year old thinks this....seriously?!
As I grew up, I constantly struggled with weight issues. How I dealt with the emotional pain and torment from others was just to eat and not tell people how I truly felt. I tried to be nice to everyone I met because I thought if I were nice to them that they would somehow overlook my flaws. I suppresed my feelings and unfortunately turned to food as my friend and comforter. Food would not talk back to me and always take my side. I felt guilty and shameful for my unhealthy eating patterns, however this was the coping mechanism I incorporated even from a very young age.
I don't ever recall being at a normal weight for my age/height. All throughout my life, I have let my weight inhibit the person I could be. I now realize over the course of time I have been so busy trying to please everyone else, I have not really taken the time to figure out who I am and let myself experience a normal existence.
As much of my life as I have spent obsessing over my weight and issues surrounding it, overall I have felt totally disempowered to do anything about it, until now. I think it was somewhere around last December where I started feeling hopeless about my weight problems. Since then, I have been working with my PCP to address my weight and unfortunately the comorbidities that go along with it. This year I have felt at least 10 years older than I am. Also because of my weight, I take medicine for high blood pressure. I have been diagnosed with sleep apnea. I haven't been diagnosed as being diabetic, but if I don't get this under control soon, I fear this could be next. I'm 35 years old! That shouldn't be happening! Lately my medications have had to be increased and I just don't know how much more of this my body can take.
Other than obesity (and the co-morbidities), I have actually been a healthy person. The medicine I currently am prescribed is due to the extra pounds I carry. At this point I believe it is beyond my realm to lose this weight on my own. I have been down the path of failed diets, medications, etc., and frankly I am too exhausted to take road any longer. It has simply been unproductive. I believe that by having this surgery I will be empowered to take charge of who I know I can be. WLS is definitely not an easy fix, but only a tool. WLS is the most viable option for my life at this time. I have sat idly by and watched myself lose a little bit of me each day...not in a good way. It's taking me a long time to come to a place that I actually see the good in me and I want to become a better person. I have support from my friends and family and all the wonderful people I've met at the support groups and on this site.
As I sit here and contemplate my 36th birthday which is less than 2 weeks away, I just keep thinking that I don't want to go through another year like this. There are too many things that I want to experience, and I know I can't do them being at this weight. There is so much to live for and I want ot experience all of it!
At this point, I have committed to Dr. Gupta being my surgeon. I am seeing a therapist to discuss nutritional/emotional aspects of WLS per the psych. eval from Dr. Stote. At first I was frustrated about this, but now I'm seeing this as an opportunity for change & growth....in a positive way. I am confident that this is the right decision for me. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
Love to all,
Christina 
