It's been 6 months...and I burped!

Jun 27, 2009

What a crazy 6 months it has been...probably the best part is that I have lost over 100 lbs. and (I hope and pray) I'm still going.  I have not had any complications thus far...which I am very thankful.  One minor setback was when I got bursitis in my hip from too much exercising...live and learn.  Everything--not just food--in moderation.  I am grateful to have had this surgery because without it, I know I would not be capable of doing everything I am at this point.  I am certain that I have been able to add quality years to my life due to the procedure. 
Being brutally honest, I am having a difficult time wrapping my brain around the fact that after losing over 100lbs., I am still not just fat, but morbidly obese!  How and why in the world did I let myself and my body get into this place?  I feel like in a lot of ways I am just starting to live some of my life...hence the screen name.  I feel I have worked through so many of the issues that got me where I was just a few short months ago, however I don't think my head will ever understand the logistics.  There is so much I want to experience....not to be sitting on the bench in my own life.  I want and realize I deserve better.   
I am at the point now that people are starting (LOL) to notice I have lost weight.  Well, duh!  With some I have been more open than others for obvious reasons.  Good things that have come from WLS are that I am off blood pressure medication, I can (kind of) cross my legs, increased stamina...even though I feel I am tired much of the time, truly fitting into some of my own clothes--I wouldn't buy clothes big enough to fit me to avoid facing my true size/self, increased confidence level, and basically can better navigate my world.  Also, I definitely can't forget the support found from folks on this site and in the support groups.  I'm not sure where I would be today without everyone's support and commitment to helping me along on this journey.  I am truly amazed and blessed by each one of you. 
One thing about being on this journey I will say I have been making an earnest effort to pay attention to my body and its needs.  For most of my life this has been a foreign concept.  Something one the support group leaders said has resonated with me.  She said "when I've eaten just enough, I will let out a burp.  That's how I know I am done."  My first thoughts about this were "how could this really be?!"  And then...guess what?!?!  Paying attention to my body, I have found that I burp too!  
I do have to say though, last night was a new experience.  I went with my family to a buffet-style restaurant (aka troph) for the first time since WLS.  I took my time, ate fairly slow, however I gave my little "burp" too soon from when I thought I should have been finished with my meal.  I really wanted to go up to the bar and get some fruit...for cryin out loud!  At that point I started to get nervous, even panicky.  I immediately felt sadness and a sense of loss.  I was frustrated with myself, thinking it's only a piece of fruit...you will eat healthy.  However, I knew I needed to stop.  My internal clock told me so.  At that moment I really felt like an alcoholic in a roomful of beer.  Thankfully I was able to excuse myself and get out of there.  I was proud of myself in a way for recognizing the fact that I made the decision to not input more than my body could handle, however at the same time, it has really brought up the emotional stuff for me again.  I realize that my relationship with food is life long and it's about making choices.  I was thankful I was with my family at the time and they understood my needs.  I guess I can only be me... that's all any of us can do...Hugs to all! 
Peace,
Christina

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