LilaCheryl

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Love'em - gotta get away from them.
Wonder if I could sell them to someone else.......

I wish there was someone around here I could talk to about this. I mean, I have free long distance but I don't know anyone around here who has gone through this surgery, at all. 

Gotta figure out how to deal with this. 

A Saturday night and I'm NOT making myself sick. 
Today so far has been pretty good. Protein shake for breakfast. 
Yogurt for lunch, water an hour later, sugarfree popcicles a bit later, and soup - cream of potato for my supper, eaten slowly with just a few crackers. Over an hour to eat dinner - yep, I'm doin it! Tasted GOOD, even though I spent the next two hours feeling sick as my stomach rejects milk, nowadays. 
On Monday it will be EIGHT weeks - two full months - since my surgery. Still looking in the mirror not seeing any difference. 
But...........................
Friday morning I felt a difference. Can't say precisely what it was......... uhm. It's like I've always been solid..... not flabby even when I was yo-yo dieting, I never felt flabby except at my stomach. Well Friday morning I got up and it was a flab of skin on my thigh - like the skin is loose. Looser. I'm gonna put this on my blog, so I can know precisely when that happened - Canada Day 2007. An odd feeling, really.
Ate some of this fat-free sorbet I bought over a week ago. Strawberry, brand name quality - never had it before. I was going to get sherbert, but couldn't find anything that looked right for me calories-wise, fat-wise. 
So I found this sorbet, and while I really can only get maybe three tablespoons in me, eated slowly in at least a half hour timeframe, it doesn't make me sick ---- no milk in it, ----- and I almost feel it is like ice cream --- post-surgery ice cream. 
Funny, that funny little container I used to read was four servings, and I used to eat half of it at one sitting, at least. Now I cannot eat half of one serving in an evening. 
Does it seem as weird to anyone else that for heavens sake, I'm much more concerned with food now than I ever was before, when I could eat whatever I wanted? 
Or is this just my way of dealing? 
I mean, really, I rarely ever thought about what I was going to eat, unless I was looking forward to going out, or to a dinner. Yet now I really know everything, every thing, that I eat, every day. 
Maybe this is just another part of the surgery I wasn't expecting, like my boobs deflating.

Have been out to dinner with friends the past two nights... and have barely been sick - I think that first dinner I should not have eaten the green beans, as they were rather fresh. 
But they were so very, very good. 
It's coming together, and I'm getting happier, kinda.

Hey Everybody!!!!!!
I have something to update - something amazing I can't keep to myself any longer! I can't SEE a difference in me - but I can FEEL a difference!!!!!
Heather and I spent this past weekend in Ohio - and since it has been six months since we've been home, it was long overdue and so very comforting, to my soul.
Hugging my nieces and my nephew was like getting a breath of fresh air, so fresh that I'd not realized the stale air I've been breathing. You know the feeling - like being in rush hour traffic going five miles an hour for two hours straight. I was hugged and felt pieces of myself fall into place. Taller than me, my dear beloved nephew. Face of the cuddly loving baby she still is on my almost-a-teenager niece. The deep love in the old eyes of my dear incredible Picasso niece. Eager tiniest niece, wanting love and hugging me before I even asked. Sadness and worry even a stone could feel radiating from the old woman. Strength in my pop's awkward hug. Sisters, worry in their hugs, tears in her eyes.
Me, I held onto them, maybe a moment or two too long, wanting to absorb a bit of them for all the lonely moments in my beautiful new home, five hours from the home of my heart. I brought their scent with me, the boysmell of my nephews hair, the clean smell of his clothes. The hint of coconut in the girls hair, the sun smell of their foreheads, the babysoft scent of my youngest niece.
That's not the update - that's just the feeling I felt being there, with my Ohio family. The update is that on Sunday morning, at my fathers home, after a restless, uncomfortable night, I arrived to work on his computer. When that was pretty much done, Heather and I gathered ourselves to go, admiring again the two new precious kittens, Butterscotch and Curiouser, and instead of going to the car, straight to the car, I walked to the grape harbor, without fear. It's not far, but the fact is it was on grass and I've been so exhausted for so very long that walking around at all just never has been a good idea. For a long time I've survived by going straight from one issue to the next, not "smelling the roses" unless I could smell them from my car.
But this time I walked. Looked at the wee green grapes, the new flowers, - a bit more movement than I'm used to - and I wasn't dying to get to the car - my back was not killing me like it usually is! I actually walked around a bit. I'm going to try it again, see if it works on regular grass too, see if it feels as good and non-painful as it did yesterday afternoon. The sunshine heat on my head and the in and out of shade, without feeling like a fragile old woman about to break to pieces - that's what I got to feel!
And this is new, well, new to me. You are hereby updated! Must've lost weight on my insides, since it's not showing on my outsides

Dear Pals,

For the past three years, ever since the pneumonia over and over and over issue happened in Jan, March, & May in 2004, I've had a hard time walking more than maybe ten feet without HAVING to stop to catch my breath and ease the pain in my back. Three years now. Been a difficult time, to put it mildly, but I had help from of course Heather and from my boss at work, John, who would go out of his way to help me every way possible. Shopping has been done in my wheelchair or in a riding cart, even the Saturday Farmers Market excursions have been in my wheelchair, every time. Yes, I have a wheelchair of my own, which has saved my sanity. I've done all I could to keep from acknowledging my obstacles to anyone - pride, I guess.

Last night an amazing thing happened. You know I'm down thirty pounds, and that next Monday it will be SEVEN weeks since my surgery - but I cannot tell any difference yet, at all.

Well last night I went to the grocery store and spent $78 in all - without a cart! I walked to whole store - well, to the back, along the back to the other end and then to the front, and through checkout! Me! I did this! Heather was with me, volunteered to get my wheelchair when there were no carts, but I wanted to try - and I MADE IT!

True, I didn't hit the different aisles like I would have, but the fact is that I've not been able to traverse a store in years, and last night I DID!

I'm here at work, trying to swallow a six ounce dannon yogurt down, mouthful at a time since I don't like this kind - raspberry. 
Was trying to find someone with the kind of weight loss I am looking forward to - am not so good at using this site yet - have to find some help blog for that. 
Me, I feel okay but tummy is still very tender........... here's the breakdown on what happened:

Had something BAD happen on Friday, and on Sat after work I was cleaning out my closet and found an old bottle of some alcohol from an ex I’ve sure been missing lately, tried a drink of it and it was nasty – was my first try of anything alcoholic since my surgery. On Sunday my back hurt from moving stuff and I took a couple pain pills when the Tylenol didn’t work, and ended up sleeping the day away.

On Monday I woke up feeling wretched, dry heaves and a headache, stomach pain and so dizzy – horrific feeling. I thought it was just a carryover from Saturday, and slept a lot of Monday. On Tuesday I woke up and felt even worse, the pain in my eyes was horrible, and I spent from before six in the morning until about one in the afternoon sitting on the side of my bed holding my stomach, staring at my toes, listening to the tv since I couldn’t look at the tv without the nausea overwhelming me! Getting back and forth to my bathroom, less than ten feet from my bed, was simply all the energy I could some up with, yet I kept trying to sip water, which made my stomach lurch and lunge like I was on a rollercoaster!

On Wednesday I woke at 5:40 am and felt awful – no difference – except that I was scared. Scared silly, no kidding. I told myself I’d had enough of this, and managed to pay a bill via phone, from right there on the side of my bed. I was disgusted at the weakness of my body, irritated that now when my boss needs me I’m out sick – and then there’s that scared feeling that was almost overwhelming. It made no sense to me – I was scared the doorbell would ring, scared I’d be home-invaded, scared because I had no energy to defend myself – sitting there scared and shaking, holding my stomach and staring at my toes.

By nine o’clock, I’d determined that there was something too wrong with me, and that no matter what, when Heather got home we were going to the emergency room, no matter what bills it would cause.

By noon I was not able to ignore the fact that something was going on in my head – I knew I’m not afraid in my own home, and that that meant something was very wrong with me, and even though I wasn’t sure I could drive, let alone walk all the way to the car, I knew I had to try, and that waiting for H to come home was stupid.

Somehow, I got to the car, and drove the six miles to the closest hospital, and walked myself in there, so glad I made it I cried.

When they got me into a room, I told them everything, and they started in IV on me, gave me a couple shots for nausea and pain, and 4 hours later released me into Heather’s care, with direction to call my surgeon right away.

I did, and he wanted to see me the next day. I knew I could never drive that far, though I felt a bit better, so H took the day off work and went with me to Rochester on Thursday.

On Wednesday evening after the ER visit, I was able to take my meds and keep water down, and on Thursday morning I actually ate breakfast after my pills!

Once at the hospital, the surgeon ordered a barium upper GI for me to do, and sent me there. It was swallowing icky chalky white stuff, which Heather watched on the tv as it went through me, which the tech took pictures.

The surgeon finally saw me at one o’clock, and he said that I’d been dehydrated, and probably had been before Saturday. He told me that I’d probably gotten used to the eating, it being my fourth week, and had started eating when I felt like it, which was very true. He said that he and his office give precise instructions on how much to drink and how much to eat for very good reason, in that they’ve seen these symptoms occur and knew that their way was how to stop the situation from happening.

I cried because I really had figured drinking that alcohol had broken something in me – torn stitches or something – and his words that my innards were alright were more than I expected to hear. He told me everyone makes mistakes and that at this point after surgery, finding out what I can and cannot eat with my new stomach is part of the process I HAVE to go through, but following the instructions will prevent most problems.

He didn’t lecture me, which I thought he would, and from now on, whatever I have problems with will be addressed through his nurse first, and then local people if she can’t fix it.

When I was able to get back to work, the first thing I did was to let people know I was back, as I had a lot of email to answer and no time to do it. In that email, I told these people I care about to please, drink a lot of fluid and if they start feeling weird, to suck down the water – to please learn from my mistake.

Just had my first 'candy bar' ---- translate to read 'protein bar' ---- today. Chose one with TWENTY grams of protein in it called "PURE PROTEIN" and it DIDN'T MAKE ME SICK!!!
It has 170 calories, is 1.76 oz (50 g) and came in my favorite food group -------------- the type is called Chocolate Delux!
EVERYTHING tasty lately makes me ill, and sure enough, I expected it, but all I got was a bit nauseous - very little. 
And with 20g in it, and 20g in the Slimfast shake I had for breakfast, I'm at 40 of the 50 proteins I have to have each day!!! Hot DOG!!!!
You know, I really thought I'd become far less into food AFTER the surgery, but I'm far, far, far moreso into food ------------ WHAT THE !!!!!!!!!!!!
On a different note, last Thursday I saw my surgeon and have moved from the 455 I was when I went to the first post-seminar O'Malley dietition appointment, to being 425 by the last dietition appt, to 446 when I saw O'Malley himself to get the go-ahead on the surgery, to 436 on the day after surgery to now 407. 
I'm glad, I think, because quite frankly the only place I feel any different is in my chest - I think my boobs are collapsing/deflating/whatever!
Can't tell from clothes or anything else, at all. Will look forward to that. 
All for today - have to go get started guzzling water. Oh, wanted to comment on that I had a bariatric Upper GI, and the chalky drink was yucky but reminded me of Slimfast vanilla shakes, and I hope I never forget the picture that I got to see of the flow of it through my 'new' gut ----- and the tiny opening there now. 
Interesting as all get out!!!!
Daughter got to watch the whole thing on the tv picture tube, so it was in actual moving tv type form for her.

Am alive, still, thank God. 
Still drinking too fast. 
Feel fat as ever - never thought of myself as fat -- large, yes, but that three letter word was not 'me' ---- and yet now, now it is. 
I think it is cuz I gave up on trying to fix it, and had the surgery - somehow my perspective is changing. 
How do I deal with this? 
How do I see my kid eat three tablespoons shy of an entire box of macaroni and cheese and ---- I mean, it is so hard to keep my mouth shut - but that WAS me - and now she'll be me...................
Oh God.

Dear Self, 
You are so stupid sometimes - how can you be so smart about some things and so dumb about others?
You're going to die. 
I'm going to die. 
Fix this - you've never found anything you can't do - you've gotta do this. 
It seemed simple, before - and you can damn well do this if you focus EVERY TIME YOU PUT ANYTHING IN YOUR MOUTH. 
I HATE YOU. 
Think of all the Thursdays John's put up with. Think of how disappointed he'll be if you don't make this surgery work - and how disappointed everybody who cares will be. 
And if you fail, you fail Heather, and that is not NOT NOT acceptable. 
Just let it go about whether you'll lose weight or not, and focus on how you're to eat. 
Why is not thinking when I drink water so much a part of me?
I will increase my stomach - my pouch grows bigger every damn time I do this, every time I put in too much and end up barfing a bit back up. 
I HAVE TO DO THIS. 
Put in 36 hours this week. Have two weeks of my job left before I begin a new job. I DON'T WANT TO TRANSFER! I DON'T WANT TO 
REPRESENT
I want to just work and get better and see some miracles happen - four weeks tomorrow, since surgery, and I want my own WOW moment. 
WHAT A SLOB.
Get with it.