Libby R.

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I went to my doctor this week, and was actually looking forward to stepping on the scale as I've been on a verrrry slow journey losing weight, but have kinda gotten in a groove of losing. Two months ago when I went in, I had lost a total of 87 lbs in 4 years! See what I mean about it being the slowwwww journey? Well, the scale showed 248. Exactly 100 pounds lost!  Looking at my history, I weighed 301 a year ago. So the majority of weight loss has been in the last 12 months. 

I know now that a slow loss can be beneficial in keeping it off, but the down side is that no one really notices as my family, work, etc see me every day. I've been able to wear clothes that were in the back of the closet because they hadn't fit, so that feels good.

I had forgotten that I took body measurements at the beginning of this journey and logged them here. So I measured again today (I haven't done that on 4 years either). I've lost 6 inches off my chest and the same off if my hips, thighs and 2 inches off my biceps.  Now the part that I'm confused about, I've only lost 2 inches off of my waist. What the heck is that about? I know I carry my weight in my stomach, but still..... Sheesh.  I do lots of core exercises, but obviously not enough. Any words of wisdom or advice?

My band is gone. I'm scared, but knowing what was happening to my body from it is really frightening.

I hadn't been feeling well for 10 days. I went to the ER and by the symptoms that thought is was mu gallbladder. I was admitted and surgery scheduled for the same evening. The surgeon that was able to to my surgery also practices bariatrics. We briefly spoke in pre-OR. My labs led him to believe there was more than just my gallbladder infected.

Surgery was to be 1.5 hours. They awakened me 4.5 hours later.

When the surgeon scoped my stomach he could see that a lot of the band had eroded Into the stomach. From outside the stomach, he started cleaning off the abscess that had form, with gunk trailing down the fill line, heading for the port. Once he cleared some of it, he discovered a once inch hold in the stomach, which was by then flowing abscess and infection through the abdominal cavity. Thru the lap incisions, they had clean and flush.

So now here I am, in the hospital, day 4 of a probable 7.

There are already millions of bacteria in the abdominal cavity, and now all of the infection caused from the eroded lap bans. Treatment plan is currently IV antibiotics lots of them to hit all the major strains. Labs show it is a strep. No food or drink until tests show the stomach is healed not leaking, which could be a few more days.

I'm allowed ice chips, as few as possible. Once discharged from the hospital I will be self administering IV antibiotics for the next 8 weeks!!

I had always been the once to be positive about the band, it worked well for me with a total weight loss of 140 pounds.

So not sure what to do next. I'm pretty used to how I've been eating to be at the weight I am, and hopefully won't need any other WL surgery. Time and effort will tell.

It's been a very long time since I've posted. It's time for an update. After my surgery, I was very very slowly losing weight, but at least progressing. Then my Mother got ill and passed away about a year after my surgery. Since then, it's taken a back seat. It may be seen by others as an excuse, but life is still not okay without her. I'm doing fine with normal life, work, children, etc., but there hasn't been anything left to put this in the front.

I initially had one fill and never went back. At this point I don't know if my surgeon would even see me since I didn't keep up with him. Anyway, I've felt embarrassed and like I failed again. 

Yesterday though, I had a mini-revelation. I go to my regular doctor for other reasons every 3-4 months and they record my weight. Each time it's been down, but 4-8 lbs every 3 months is nothing to get excited about. I recently went back through my records and recorded each weight and totaled it up. Then yesterday when I went to my regular doctor, I lost 16 pounds since November!  For me, that's something to get excited about. All toll, I've lost 87 lbs since surgery!  

I debated posting here as it seems most people post-surgery lose that in the first couple of months, but here I am anyway! Because of my fear of failing I've only ever told my children who were in high school at the time and my parents. I haven't really done any formal exercise and I don't have a meal plan. The 5cc fill that I got 4 yrs ago limits what I eat mostly due to things getting stuck and overall I eat pretty clean. Fruits, salads, yogurt, etc because they go down easy. 

So now, I'm thinking if I get my s&@% together! maybe I could hit the 100 pounds loss. My highest weight was 348, my current is 261. Many of my shirts are huge on me, but I still haven't gone shopping for smaller. I guess it all revolves around 2 things,  fear and apathy and I don't really see the change since it's been so slow and only a couple people that I work with have mentioned noticed the loss I guess because it's been such a slow change and my clothes are big and loose. 

I hope all of you have done better than I have  and haven't wasted this opportunity to change your. I still feel like I've failed over all ....  

What would you do if you KNEW you couldn’t fail?

I recently read an article about this written by Jane Faulkner, Life Coach.

She speaks of the thoughts that stop us from trying… from experiencing… because of our thoughts of the possibility of failure.  She points out that we each have that ‘inner critic’, but also adds that we each have our own ‘inner advocate’.    She goes on to point out that some use the fear of failure to give them the fuel they need to stay at the edge and not go beyond.  The fear is what keeps them in their safe zone, so to speak.

She says, “The Critic will do anything to avoid failure in the outside world.  It relentlessly drives us to follow our ‘inner’ rules, whether those rules flow from perfectionism, the need to succeed, or other similar belief systems (most likely inherited from our parents).  The Advocate is motivated by a desire to serve the client in the best way possible.  It is an expansive energy, not a contracted energy like the Critic’s.” 

I like even just thinking about having an ‘Inner ADVOCATE’  ….. that is so cool!  Think about it.  My very own inner, positive, helper!

I think we have all wondered if WLS will get us to our goal of better health, higher self- esteem, better  image, skinny jeans!, etc.  I’ve seen dozens of posts (including my own) fearing failing at another attempt at weight loss.  Well, for now… let’s put the weight loss piece of us aside.  Take the challenge to come up with a few answers to the question.

I had to really think about this, to ALLOW myself to be reckless, to be adventuresome, and let my mind and my passions warm to the thought of even going there.  The inner critic vs. the inner advocate.

Here are a couple I came up with: 

1.     Travel Internationally until I found THE spot that I wanted to purchase a house and live the rest of my life.  (The freedom of living somewhere because I want to, not restricted to the economic impact, geographic ties to family, etc.)

2.       Create art… paint, sculpt, etc.  (I’ve tried different mediums throughout my life. I get energized and excited thinking about it and during the process, but I am always disappointed with the end result).

So, now it’s your turn!  Besides weight loss.... Take a few minutes to think about the question and post a couple of things you would do if you KNEW you couldn’t fail!!!  Heck, have fun with it…. Use it as mind candy…anyone ever want to be an erotic dancer?  An owner of a Fortune 500 Company? Etc…..  Ready, set, post! 

NOTE:   The above only includes a few excerpts from the original article (I will post more of it in my next blog).  The full article goes onto to talk about how to deal with that fear and how to move beyond the fear.  I would be happy to share it if anyone is interested, just email me here at OH.

 

So I had my first fill on April 9.  I don't know if I felt restricted at first as I'm not sure what that feeling is like.  I mostly felt like I had too much air stuck and needed to burp.  When I could finally burp I felt SO much better, but never really felt like less food was all that satifying.  I'm still sticking with the food recommendations, with a few revisions.  I haven't weighed myself since the fill, so not sure if/how much I've lost.  I guess I am kind of scared to find out!  I know I'm eating less and better quality than I used to, but scared to fail still.

I have about 5cc in a 14cc band, so at least I have some way to go for fills.

There were a couple of incidents from surgery that is still popping up in my mind.  The nurse came to get me from the waiting area to prep for surgery.  She kept saying things like, "Well because of your diabetes...." and "Due to your past heart problems...."   neither of which I've had!  I have back pain from a past car accident, but other than that, I don't have the list of co-morbidities that some of us can have.  That's the reason I did the surgery NOW as I know those are all on the horizon for me if I don't make some changes. 

She had my file in her hand and was flipping through it.  Finally I asked her if she had the correct file as she wasn't describing me at all.   Then, I think I shocked her.  She asked the start date of my most recent period and I told her two weeks ago. She said that I would have to give a urine sample to check for pregnancy.  I think the way it was handled just kind of put me off.  First of all, she never asked if it could be a possibility.  She just assumed it had to be done.  For one, I've had my tubes tied for 17 years, and secondly, I haven't had sex in three years, so unless she believes in immaculate conception, then it's immpossible.  So, when she insisted, it kind of irked me.... so I blurted out that it would be impossible considering I've been celebate for three years.  Her faced turned red and she didn't say another word about it.

The next issue was with the anesthesiologist.  He came in to talk to me, then kept insisting that I MUST be using a CPAP machine due to sleep apnea.  I told him that I did not, that I had done a sleep study a few years back and that even my children have told me that I don't snore (I used to when I was about 40 pounds heavier).  He looked down my throat and kept insisting.  I don't think he ever did believe me, but all I could do is tell him the results of the sleep study and that I've never used a CPAP machine.

It was frustrating not being listened to, almost arguing with me and not being believed when I would answer their questions. I start to wonder why they ever ask the patient questions when they obvious aren't listening anyway!! 

As they were moving me from post op back to the day surgery area, someone pointed to me and said, "Can you take 'IT' downstairs."  I remember mumbling something back that I wasn't an IT, I was a person.  (Even groggy I am a bit sharp tongued!)  The guy said that they were referring to the bed, not me as the "IT".  Still poor choice of words. 

Now... I do have to say that the nurses do way more than any person on the earth to assist their patients and do a very good job at it considering the workload and hours they work.  Just seems that they are too overloaded to really take a moment to review the file. 

Post surgery I had a male nurse that was awesome.  He was very attentive, thoughtful, and helpful.  I was in sooooo much pain I was having a hard time breathing.  He made sure that I got  meds to calm things down, pulled in a rocking chair to get me more comfortable that the bed and plenty of pillows and warm blankets.

I went in for my post op check up and first fill.  I found out that I have a 14cc size band and they put in 5cc's today.  I seem to have a little bit of restriction now, but I haven't eaten a whole lot since the fill, so tomorrow will be a better time to determine.  My doctor said mostly what he is concerned about is getting in enough fluids, so as we all know from here too... sip, sip, sip.  I went out with friends tonight and had a couple iced teas which seems to go down easily, so at least I know it's not too much of a fill.

The worst part is that it took a few sticks and some rummaging around to hit the port.  Glad he injected lidocaine first as I could still feel some of the deeper sticks when he would miss.  My doctor tried a few times and then gave up and went to get his P.A. to do it.  He said that he "fired" himself and she was better at it.  I have a lot of respect for someone that can acknowledge just because they have the big title that it doesn't mean that someone under them may be better at the task at hand! 

I was a bit hesitant about the practice overall when I first went in and throughout my nutrition classes.  Now, I am THRILLED I chose to go to the doctor that I did.  They are lots of experience and multi-faceted.  He's hired great people to work for him that are experts in their field instead of trying to cover it all himself.  Everyone from the two P.A.'s to the nutritionist and their billing person is open about sharing their email address and responding promptly to what I may think is a "silly" question, but still need to know.  I feel like there are multiple layers of support available at any time.  It doesn't get any better than that.

I didn't seem to have any restriction these 4 weeks since surgery, but still managed to lose a total of 15 pounds.  I'll take that.. may not have those kind of numbers every month, but I can hope and work towards it!

Today I have felt really good.  Over the past few months due to the chronic pain, I've let things go more than I normally would.  So today, I have just been constantly working on things.  Mostly laundry, but it's two flights down, so each time I move from one room to another, I take things that belong on the other levels.  It's surprising how much I can get done by just staying at it.  I've always had a little 'montage' in my head of:

Keep on, Keepin' On!

So no matter if I've not going through cleaning the house like a tornado, it felt good to just keep working at it.  I would spend about 20 minutes, then go chill-ax for awhile, then do more or fold some laundry.  Still some pain issues, but no more so than I have everyday pre-surgery, so just trying to block them out and work through it. 

I go back to work on Monday and will be ready.  It will be a long day, but I know I can make it through the day regardless.  My boss is MORE than ready for me to come back.  I've been trying to do some things from home that I can do via internet, filing court docs, keeping up on the timelines and court dates, etc., so not so bad.  My job is one that if I don't do it, no one else really does.  It just piles up on my desk waiting for me.

So, like is going well!

It's been nine days since surgery and I think things are going along okay.  I don't seem to have any restriction, but know that will come later once I get my first fill.  I've come up with some pretty tasty meals though. I used 2 ounces roasted chicken, 1 oz. canned green chilies, 2 ounces canned black beans, chicken broth, cumin, salt, pepper, diced jalepeno, et.  I simmered it for a couple of hours to make sure everything was really tender and soft.  I tried to blend a bit, but I am a texture freak in my foods and just couldn't eat it that way.  So, I just took small bites and chewed like crazy.

Completely hit the spot!  I split it into 1/2 cup portion sizes and popped into the fridge to warm later.  I put about an ounce of shredded chs on the top to melt, but wondering if that is against the "rules".  Any feedback on eating cheese?  If I went for a lower fat cheese, any suggestions of a good cheddar type that will melt?

My surgical wounds are healing pretty well.  The area for the port is a bit dark red and tiny bit swollen on each end.  When I pulled off the steri-strip tapes, it was as if the skin had been pulled a little too tight and overlapped a bit of top skin and held with the strips.  So, there was a yucky liquid sitting there and the moisture of the skin and surgery had created a little puss pocket.  So I just gently cleaned it with an alcohol prep pad and Neosporin and all is healing well.  

So here I am 2 days post surgery.  I think things are going well.  The pain is subsiding in my stomach, but I have some serious back pain going on!  I have chronic back pain from a car accident a few years ago that no one can seem to diagnose what is causing it.  Well, whatever got stirred up or swelling against the nerves or something has made it flare up.  As soon as they woke me up I was squirming in pain.  The pain from my abdomen and from my back was so unbearable.  All I remember is a cloud of the nurse and my doctor telling me that more fentanyl was on the way.  I know they put in at least 3 syringes of it along with Versed (sp?) to help calm down the pain.  Then before I left they gave me two Vicoden.  Holy smokes that hurt! 

So now the back is calming down a bit, but the muscles right there along my spine are hard as rocks.  My daughter has been massaging through that area to get the muscles to release and stretch and then my spine with click and pop and it feels better.  My abdomen now just feels like I did a thousand crunches.  So, overall, I think I'm doing okay.

I got a lot of education through the 6 months of classes and the pre-surgery class, but I still feel a little bit lost.  I'm trying to just follow the liquid/puree diet.  I got in 41 grams of protein today, 300 calories.  I know that will increase as I start feeling better and being more active.  Right now I am just walking a few times a day to help with the air trapped inside, but kind of tough to bend over at the waist.  I want to start in on some laundry tomorrow, but that might be a bit painful.