MacArthurBug

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I don't know what to call it, but it sure is good! I take:

1 container of single serve plain cottage cheese.
1 light sprinkle sunflower seeds
1 sprinkle dried soy "nuts"
1 generous shake Parm cheese. Even better if I can fresh grate it!
1 generous sprinkle of black legumes (in the precooked poch from TJs)

Mix and NOM! High protien count, a little calcium from theCC, easy on the pochie and oh it's scary how yummy I find this.

And I'm right where I was supposed to be. So. whee. Still wish I'd fall magically into a pile o' cash- but that ain't happening. So- I live with this body the one I created by over indulging in stupid stuff and making silly choices. Sure I've lost the fat but apparently the skin is my new BFF. There's no making it go away. 

eh at least I'm healthy, I look good in clothing, and my husband can carry me across the house (heehee!).  I'm having serious hair ADD again. I went from a light blondish red to a unnatural darker red. I've got to give it a few days to see how much I really like it. It's a emi-perminent red so, even should I love or hate it it'll fade.  I'm trying to encourage my roots to grow. I seem to have forgotten my natural color- so it's semi-perminent colors henceforth. Or.. henceforth until my mind is changed again by a redhead with prettier hair then me.. then it's off to the boxes again to see if I look good that color.

Slider foods verses the good for me foods have me unhappy.  It's easy as pie to eat one tiny peice of chocolate. Even chips, in small portions go down easy.  The stuff that I'm SUPPOSED to be eating.  Steamed veggies: I can NOT eat more then a bite or BLEAGH they come right back up. gross.  Dense protien, it's okay if I eat nice and slow. HAmburger? Oh hells no. I have to have ground turky, and never in burger form. Taco form is fine, as long as it's moist.
Plus my scale is totally broken. It'll show me three sometimes four vastly diffrent weights depending on the day., This is driving me nuts because I now can't moniter my weight.  I'm scared I might be gaining, I'm having such difficult food issues. I need to put myself back on the basics. I've got a lot of it right. When I need lunch I go right to my cottage cheese with a sprinkle of dried soy "nuts", sunflower seeds, and parmisian cheese.  That's good stuff. BReakfast sucks. I'm sick of eggs, bacon smeells great but thus far has been a mouth feel dissapointment. I'm tempted to just gulp down my shakes, eat my protien bars for solids and give up all together on gosh darn stupid food. BUT, that's definatly not gonna happen because then my cravings for crap will take over and I'll be a blimp again.
My kids are both in school. I'm going to be starting a class soon. And I've finally got the time to go to the gym and write. Hopefully going to the gym will get me back opn track. 

MEH! And gurr. I'm not happy with my silly body right now, but I'll get over it. 

I'm two years out! Yesterday was my Surgiversiry. A crazy busy but "average" day for me.  My quota of vitamins is crazy, and clothing is weird, but still fun. Overall, I'm still absolutly estatic. I look at my old pictures of myself and I'm just dumbstruck. I know why I let myself get there. I remember this woman real well. I'm just not her anymore! Well- parts of me are, the best parts with a little of the garbage, because noone's perfect. Two years and I'm at goal. I'm cute enough to turn heads. I can ride a Roller Coaster and a horse. I can RUN! And not get winded (more then a normal person anyway). I can walk for hours and I'm fine. My sleep apnia is gone. No more pre-Diabeties. No more So stressed ancles that they're always twisting. Nope, I can wear SEXY shoes with only the regular shoe/foot issues. 
So! Happy two years to me! May the rest be as good if not better!

There  are  days  I'd  rather  not  bother  with the  whole  eating  thing.  Most  foods  either make  me  sick,  make  me  fat,  or  get  stuck  in my  pouch  and  hurt.  Some  foods  some  of  the  time  are  accepted  and  given  an  all  clear the  SAME  accursed  foods  another  time  will get  the  rejection  notice  and  I'm  leaning  over  the  toilet  cussing  a  blue  streak.  Lately things  have  been  okay.  Mind  you  I'm  sticking to  "safe"  softer  proteins.  Making  sure  I  get in  those  protein  g's  with  my  thick  drinks.  I'm  even  getting  used  to  the  taste  and  texture  of  liquid  protein.  I  think  I'm  even  starting  to  LIKE  some  of  my  protein  bars  and  supplements.  BUT  man.  There  are  days  I  want  a  crispy  soft  flaky  buttery  croissant  in  the  worst  way.  Can't  stand  the  darn  things.  IF  I  can  manage  to  bring  myself  to  try  it -  It'll  either  taste  or  smell  wrong,  get  stuck  in  my  tummy  thus  making  me  sick  or  making  me  puke - or  I'll  manage  it  and  get  "dumping"  sleepy.  They  don't  even  smell  right  anymore.  I  miss  what  croissants  used  to  be,  more  then  what  they  now  are.  I  don't  miss  the  fat  they  spooned  over  my  hips.. sooo  I  guess  THAT  all  evens  out.  I  don't  miss  ice  cream.  There  are  days  I'm  tempted  to  go  out  and  buy  an  ice cream  maker  and  make  protein  ice cream  ala  eggface.  Then  again.. meh.  EVERY  time  I've  tried  iced  cream  (unsweetened, half  as  sweet  AND  full  sugar  versions.  Soy  versions, yogurt  versions, etc)  they've  been  phenomenal  disasters.  Dumping  puking  etc.  I'd  like  to  eat  a  steak  without  it  either  being  SUPER  tender  or  cooked  then  refrigerated  (honest)  so  my  picky  pouch  can  handle  it.  I'd  like  the  world  to  stop  spinning  (from  the  dizzyness,  not  literally) every  time  I  stand  up.  Low  blood  pressure- or  so  they  think.  They  tested  me  for  pretty  much  everything  else.  I  hate  that  part.  Though  I'm  not  sure  at  all  if  it  has  a thing  to  do  with  my  post  op  life  or  it's  just  me.  I  love  looking  AWESOME  in  clothing.  I  wish  that  Tricare- having  approved  this  life  altering  surgery  would  help  me  with  the  excess  skin  that  makes  it  hard  to  live  my  newly  found  life.  Do  they  even  understand  how  weird  it  is  when  your  thighs,  belly,  breasts,  and  arms  applaud  your  workout  efforts? Your  sex  life?  it's  weird  when  my skin  smooshes  together  and  farts.. okay?  JUST  WEIRD!
Much  weirder  when  I'm  trying  some  sexy  new  position.  Skin  toots  are  NOT  sexy!  But  hell.  Most  days  it's  great.  I  just.. am  at  a  point  with  food  where  I'm  seeing  it  all  anew.  It's  fuel.  It's  no  longer  my  buddy,  no longer  even  a  celebration  or  a  thing  to  do.  It's  fuel.  There  are  days  I  sort  of  miss loving  it.

just  a  little.  Is  that  wrong?

So, suprise suprise- it was weird.  I'm probaly not gonna get Tricare to approve me this first go- round. Dr. Heffel certainly dosn't think I will. I can't help that my amazingly healthy skin isn't prone to rashes etc. Plus, my pannis does NOT extend below my pubis. eh.  I know I won't be affording a 20K surgery any time soon (for the full circumsisional + Pannectomy). So, I'll play the insurance game a bit mopre to see what I can do to force Tri-cares hand in matters.   this sucks, but that's life.  I CAN deal with my skin as is. I CAN find a way to earn an income of my own so I CAN eventually put together the $$ cash $$ for what I want. My husband has streight out told me he's not funding my plastics. He has NO issues with my skin, and thinks - especialy since I don't get rashes etc- I shouln't have issues either.  MAybe I'll adjust? I doubt it- I don't need a perfect body by any means, but I want to be free of this last burden.  SO! I told the insurance lady with Dr. Heffels office to go ahead and submit what they had- and we'll wait and see. If it's a no (and it probably will be) I'll deal. I'll do everything I can in the meantime to remind Tri-care that I'm here and that this is something I believe will improve the quality of my life 1000 fold.

Back from vacation! MAN was it crazy. We stayed at an amazing military hotel, did Disney land, California science center, Aquarium of the pacific, sunset beach, and various other things. We stayed in the LA area (San Pedro) and had a lot of fun! My legs and back hurt a lot- but it was totally worth it. My 4 year old is STILL talking about Disney land, especialy the soarin' over california ride in Disney California parks. I lost a little weight, probably due to the extra exercise and I'm at last below my long term goal weight. I'm sort of baffled with a lot of "What now" questions.  I need to make an appointment with my doc to find out what I'm supposed to do! :)

Soon! In a few days my hubbys official vacation leave begins. In a week and a half we LEEEAVE for vacation. Disneyland, the La Brea tar pits, the Aquarium of the pacific.. and don't get me started on the mere concept of hot boys in surfer shorts...  *squee!* 
Now! I've got to figure out what to wear, what to bring food wise! Oooh dear!

Ok. Not really. I KNOW what I'd LIKE to do next. I'm arranging a meeting with a plastic surgen who has worked with Tricare before in the past. Sometime in June, probably AFTER our vacation. I'd love to get my tummy skin taken care of- the thighs would also be nice. OH and don't forget the arms and the sand bags I call boobies.  Will I get it all done? I don't know. Probably not. I will be seeing if Tricare will cover at least SOME of my issues. I SERIOUSLY doubt they'll do the arms- best liklihood of them getting the tummy. I'd roll over and die if they got the boobies- and giggle like a little girl if they even considered my thighs. 
But in all honesty - Think now that I've achieved my long time goal of weighing in at 150 (I've been big a LONG time) and being at a healthy BMI for what may well be the first time since before puberty (told ya so) I feel... weird.  What am I supposed to do with myself now? I'm SO happy, and OBVIOUSLY I'm going to do everythign in my personal power to MAINTAIN this great awesome amazing weight.  Am I willing to live with looking like a saggy baggy version of myself? Oh HELLS yeah. If I'm "doomed" to forver live in saggy skin I'll deal! I look GOOD in clothes and I'm already becoming a fast expert at disguising skin. I'm a skin hiding wizard. 
I think now I've gotta re-learn some self love without getting an inflated ego.  I've gotta work on being more people skilled. I've gotta plan on what I want to do when I go back to collage. Oh dear..

Ok that scale is trouble but for sure 'cause yesterday it said the same thing I'm at GOAL!  YES!YESYESYES!  I happy dance like crazy 'cause I'm AT GOAL!