Some Stuff About Me

Dec 07, 2010

It wasn’t like she was particularly blaming anyone from her childhood for her weight, it was more of a matter-of-fact explanation as to why she thinks she became what she is today. This is another interesting fact of fat or obese people, we think that being fat or obese is what we are, it’s not just a part of us. It’s like saying someone is tall or short and that their entire being is made up of height.

I feel the same way, I won’t deny it. I have spent 33 of my 38 yrs thinking about my weight. Probably when I was very young it wasn’t an all-consuming thought but it soon became one. Every day was about how I wanted to lose weight. I mean every day. I ate for many different reasons. I’m an emotional eater. I don’t just eat when I’m sad or down or stressed. I eat when I’m happy too. Think about it, our society celebrates everything with food. Have you been to a party that didn’t have food? Have you been to any kind of social gathering where they didn’t serve some type of food? Doubtful. We celebrate life events by going out to eat. We use it as a reward when someone has done well. We feel as though we “deserve” it. “I earned it!” I’ve heard myself say. “Let’s go out to celebrate!” and “Where do you want to eat tonight? It’s Friday.” Yes, I’ve said it all. 

I was laying in bed this morning thinking about some of these things. One thing that popped into my head was being around 10 yrs old and a friend of my mom’s was babysitting me at her house. I remember sitting in her living room and while she was in the kitchen I noticed a candy dish filled with jellybeans on her coffee table. I remember grabbing a bunch of the black ones (licorice was actually my least favorite flavor) and stuffing them in my mouth, hoping she wouldn’t notice since there were a lot more black ones than any other color. I remember feeling a comfort and a kind of excitement from that. Of course there was a little stress from the fact that the babysitter might see that I took a handful of her candy but the instant comfort outweighed the thought that I might get caught. Of course, I got caught. I can’t remember what initially gave me away but she asked me to open my mouth and I thought I had gotten away with it until she asked me to stick out my tongue. My tongue was completely black from the licorice. The next thing I remember about that day was having a severe headache. I’m not sure why I had it. Maybe it was the jellybeans or maybe the stress of being upset and feeling bad. Who knows? I do know that that was a small incident in a life-long obsession with food, eating and wanting to lose weight.

As I look back over my childhood I don’t think I was picked on about my weight too much. Sure, there were comments here and there but I don’t think there was anything major. If there was, I’ve blocked it out which is probably a good thing. What I do remember was always feeling like I was fat and wanting to look like the popular girls, all thin, happy and with boyfriends. Along with that, I always longed to go clothes shopping with any of them or hang out after school at one of their houses or maybe even sleep over on the weekends. I wanted it all and felt like I deserved it. I still think I did but I always try to keep it in my mind that we don’t live in a society that readily (if at all) allows that. 

I’m sure there is a lot more that I could say about all of this but I would just go on for days about the same thing - my weight. It’s ALWAYS been an issue and I would absolutely love for it not to be. Will there ever be a time when I don’t think about it many times/day? No. Will there be a time when I can walk by a mirror and like what I see? Yes. That is the point I want to get to, to like what I see and to know that I’ve done what I can and will continue to do what I can to be healthy. I have a mother who is 68 yrs old with Diabetes, heart disease, vascular disease, high blood pressure, a history of heart attacks (she had the first one at 46), strokes, 4 toes removed, neuropathy, arthritis in her back, many laser surgeries for her eyes, low blood sugar crashes and more and more things that have all been affected and/or caused by her weight. She also has a history of smoking which she stopped when she had her first heart attack but it still affects her to this day.

I DON’T WANT TO END UP LIKE HER!!!!

I won’t end up like her. I’m taking the steps now at 38 to be the best and healthiest person I can be. I know it won’t be easy. I know it will take every bit of strength of body and mind I can muster. There will be good days and there will be bad days but the best thing to do is cherish the good days and on the bad ones, pick myself up, dust myself off and work on finishing the day on a high note. Oh yeah, by the way, this year to come is going to be about me. I’ve declared it in therapy, I’ve declared it to friends and I’ve declared it to my husband who after 6 short weeks of marriage in January 2010 decided it would be a good idea to start texting a woman behind my back who he was attracted to. This went on for 10 months until I caught him less than 2 months ago by checking his cell phone. He says he stopped contacting her and I’m trying to believe him but as we work on “us”, my main goal is to work on ME. 

Don’t ever give up on you! Even if all seems sad and bleak, get some help, talk to someone and take care of you. You are your best asset. Never, ever forget that.

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