Melissa R.

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

So maybe all that mess last week was PMS. My hormones are so crazy and it is making me crazy!!!!! I am much better now that my period has come and gone.  I really wonder if I am.......Ok I am going to say it........PREMENOPAUSAL!!!!  I can't believe that I said it.  Maybe it is the fact that I turn 35 in less than a week.  For some reason I am feeling like I am getting old.  I don't know why.  I feel better than I have in years.....I think it is the number thing!  

Anyway, we are going to Chief's Saturday night.  I am excited about that.  I am more excited about running the 5K Saturday morning.  This is my first race.  I decided not to be timed.  I just want to do it.  I can't wait. I am so excited that I am doing this.  After this I am going to start training for a half marathon then hopefully a full marathon!!!!  That seems so weird to me.  I want to run the NYC marathon!!!!  How fun would that be!!!!!!

First things first...I need to complete the 5 K on Saturday!!!!  It is fun to dream..... 

So I am continuing in this "funk". Not sure why I am having this right now....but it is there.  I feel better than the other day.  Just not great.  I jogged 4 miles last night. I had hoped to do 6 and instead of being happy that I did 4 I have been disappointed in myself.    SOMEBODY PLEASE SHAKE THIS OUT OF ME!!!!!!!!  I want to be happy.  I ate well yesterday....I have eaten well today so far.  Thinking about jogging again tonight.  I don't know what is going on.  It 's not PMS....not time yet.  Oh well!!!!!  I guess I will try to keep chugging along. I don't know what else to do........ 

I guess I have had depression for many years.  I didn't really acknowledge it....I mean I knew it was there but went on with life anyway....for a long time.   I always wondered what was so wrong with my life that I could be depressed.  I guess I felt like I did not have the right to be depressed.  So , for several years I was "depressed" when no one could see.  I don't know if that makes any sense or not.  I always smiled when people were looking and would laugh and "have a good time".  But really, I just it was just an act.  
All I ever wanted to do was be at home by myself where  I could be miserable and no one would know.  

I have taken Celexa now for a year and a half and it has worked great.  I still have my days where I don't open the blinds and I just sit in the chair and feel sorry for myself, but it is not nearly as often.  Yestereday, just so happened to be one of those days.  Everything I ate was bad for me and would end up making me sick, yet I kept eating things that I knew I shouldn't.  Then I would feel terrible physically and also emotionally because I know that I was hurting myself.  WHY would I want to cause myself pain???  WHY  did I feel like I had to treat myself badly when I knew that it was going to hurt??  I finally gave up on the day and myself and went to bed.  Why did I do that to myself yesterday?  I don't know.  i just know that even after everything that I have done to change my life for the best....make myself healthy....make myself happy....I am still just a second away causing myself pain.  I don't know how to fix this.  I do like myself.....I do want a better life....I do want to be happy and healthy.  So why is it so damn easy to go right back to where I use to be? 

Ok, I have been working weekends for what feels like a million years now.  I have been waiting for a position to come open at the office for several months that will get me off the weekends.  Well this morning I find out that the hours have some what changed.  Initially, it was presented to me that I would work in the office in the morning and be able to work from home in the afternoons.  This way I am still available to my kids in the afternoons.  They are now saying 8:30- 5 in the office!  I am torn as to what to do.  I want the change but I don't want to miss out on the afternoons with my kids. I just don't know what to do.  I am thinking it over and will let my boss know soon what I have decided.  Mike says if I want it then take it.  I will have my weekends back which will be nice as far as the family goes!  I just don't know what to do.  I guess I will think about it some more.

On to another subject....I went to see the nutritionist at Dr. Bour's office this morning.  She is new and I really enjoyed talking to her.  She praised me for all that I have done.....so of course I love her!!!!!  I weighed on the scale taht tells you what your body fat % is and mine was 34.7!!!!!  Normal is 21-33.  I am only 1.4% above normal!!!!!  I could not believe it!!!  I am really making changes in my life.  It is so great.  Last night I jogged 4miles!  I felt great after doing it.  I am so glad that I have found something good for me that I enjoy doing.  I still struggle some at first.  I have to get in a good mile before I am really feeling good about it. I have really enjoyed running at ICAR.  The first mile is mostly downhill and gives my body time to warm up.  By the time I finishe the first mile, I am feeling pretty good and want to keep going.    My 18 month appointment with Dr. Bour is in about a month.  I would love to lose another 7 pounds by them.  I hope that I can.  I really want to start thinking about plastics and I feel like if I can lose a little more than I will be able to really think about and start looking at who I want to do it.

So I go to the Orthopedic doc this morning.  He looks at my ankle...examines it and decides he wants some xrays.  I knew he would probably take some so ...ok.  Well he comes back in the room and asks, "do you want the good news or bad news?"  WTF!!!!  I replied, " I wasn't expecting any bad news!"  He said the fracture has healed, but that I suffered a severe sprain.  He said worse than "normal"......OK?!?!?  So he said he wanted me to take a very strong antinflammatory for 2 weeks.....wear a brace {especially during exercise....which is too big to wear when I put on my running shoes} and go to Physical Therapy!!!!!  He wants me to go twice a week for 2 to 3 weeks.  Then he said if in 4 weeks it is not healed then he wants an MRI of it!!!!  Oh good grief!!!!  I don't have the time or patience for all that!  A stupid little fall because I didn't turn on the lights!!!!!  What an idiot!!!!!  Anyway.....I guess we will see what the next 4 weeks brings!!!  One good thing is he said I didn't have to stop running as long as it wasn't causing "much" pain.  He said I could still run with a "little" pain but if it was more than that to stop.  I can handle that.  I really thought he was going to tell me to stop running for a while and I was going to be sooooo upset!!!! 

I can not even believe that today I am wearing a 10.  That is absolutely unreal to me.  I never thought I would see a 10 in my closet ever again!!!!  I can't believe it.  Life is great!!!!  I am so thankful that I had this surgery!!!!!!

The race for the cure is the 29th of this month.  I am hoping to run it.  I don't know if I will be ready though. I started my training late because of my ankle.  I really want to run it without stopping.  I hope that I have enough time to build up to it.  I really like running.  I never thought I would say that but I do.  I look forward to going at night.  I wish that I could run by myself. I don't like to do that and I can't seem to make myself go.  That is something I am definitely going to have to work on.  I love my new life!!!!!!!  I never would have imagined myself like this before surgery!!!!!  Thank you God for my new life!!!!!!

I walked/jogged 3.1 miles last night.  I can believe that I did it.  The thing I can't believe the most is that I was able to get out of the bed this morning!!!!  Absolutely amazing!!!!!  I love it and I felt great!!!  As a matter of fact....I can't wait to do it again!!!!!!  Holy crap...did that come out of my mouth?????

I am going to get to goal.....I am going to like myself.....no I am going to LOVE myself.  I am going to be healthy!!!!!   I am going to do it!!!!!  I can feel it......and I want it!!!!!!

Yes- I think I like me today.  I am in a good place right now.  Went to the gym this morning....ran errands before and after the gym....went to the grocery store.....  spent an hour at the school....picked up the kids...sat down with them...went thru their backpacks{{{{[my most favorite thing to do on Mondays---Gawd, I am such a mom!!!}}}}...homework is done...snacks are done and everyone is happy at the Ritchie house at this very moment......."life is good"

Going to Dr.Bour's tonight and then I will make an attempt to run!!!!  I really want to be able to run.  I am afraid, and nervous of failure.  I have wanted to run for a long time and have never had the courage.  Isn't that stupid?  I am afraid to run!!!!  My kids run all the time and I am afraid to do it!  Anyway, tonight I am going to run for the first time.  I don't know how far I will make it, but I am going to try.

Today was our second day of school!  All 3 of my children are there all day!!!!  I can't believe it....for the first time in 10 years...I do not have a child hanging on my leg all day!  I believe I can learn to like this-

I have been to the gym both days.....yeah me!!!  I was quite productive around my house today.....another yeah me.....I took a bath without being interupted....are you getting where I am going, here?!?!    "It's the most wonderful time of the year..."

Seriously though....I am really going to focus on my workouts!  I walked on the treadmill yesterday and my ankle bothered me afterwards, so today I did the eliptical trainer.....OMG  it worked me!!!!  My ankle didn't hurt a bit but the rest of me is!!!!!  I need to start doing that more often. WOW!!!  I forgot how that thing will nearly kill ya!!!  But it is a good pain and ache. I feel like I did something and I am proud of myself.  Especially since when I looked at the timer and I had only done it for 3 minutes and 22 seconds and I thought I was ready to die!!!!  That is one thing that I hate about exercising.....sometimes in those first few minutes I would rather die than continue with my exercise.  I ahve to push myself to get past that and then it is much easier.  I guess it is a psychological thing....I don't know.  Whatever it is...it is a pain for the first 5 minutes or so!!!!!