melting mama -

Seven Years Post Op. And, 20 minutes you'll never get back.

Apr 05, 2011

Have I mentioned my loathing of the word: surgiversary? Or, any number of cutesy, made-up life after weight loss surgery words? OR! Naming your exercise equipment, bodily functions, body parts, personal noises or internal organs? "Excuse Miss Pouchie Poo, She gets a little gassy when we ride on Peter, and sometimes she even pushes out a little pootinky." /end

But, I am getting off topic. Not that I have a plan here, it's a HUUUUUUUUUGE ramble. This might be the biggest rambling post I've ever written in one sit-down with no edits.

Forgive me if you have had any type of surgery, weight loss or otherwise, and do proclaim 'The Day You Had It Done' as a surgiversary and this is highly offensive to you. I imagine other types of surgery might feel like a distinct celebration, as you have LIVED another year, you've beaten whatever was killing you.

I do understand the feeling of "rebirth" after weight loss surgery.

I just suppose that I didn't suffer so awful with obesity that "surgiversary" ever fit the description for ME. FOR ME. I repeat, FOR ME. I never felt that way. No. Never. I never felt like a "New Person! A Whole Different Girl! A Shade of Her Former Self!" No. Never. I didn't want to be. Fat was okay with me, if it hadn't been medically not okay -- so what? I wasn't a fat-activist, but I see that I could have easily slipped into that.

I felt that weight loss surgery was a medical procedure, done to fix a problem, the problem was: I WAS TOO FAT. It was done, the problem was fixed. No need for a big to-do. No need to throw confetti every time I took a shit, lost a pound or wore a size ten. It wasn't a big deal. And certainly not fabulous. Pissing out fat cells is not glamorous.

Each of us is different, each of us has a unique path before and after our surgeries, and my story is definitely unique and not finished. That might also be why I struggle to define loss, and make things black and white, because life changes and nothing is forever. (Have I mentioned my complete and utter loathing of the phrase "__ pounds gone forever?" Well, there's that too, if you did not know.) I will never say one hundred and whatever pounds gone forever! I made the mistake of feeling cocky in my first year post op and was thanked with a lovely regain of "forever" lost weight.

I've been asked to put my "story" in a book. I laugh at the notion, because frankly, I can't remember to shut off a faucet; pulling up details of the last seven years of my life might be a little more than difficult.

If you're not a long term MM reader, "Hi! I'm Beth, nice to meet you! Cupcake?" I had roux en y gastric bypass surgery on April 5th, 2004 at Tufts Medical Center, Boston, Massachusetts. "Hi, Beth."

Shortest possible rambling version: My highest weight was 320 pounds at some point in the early 2000's after the birth of my third child. I have four children, ages 13 to 4. I was a chubby kid, but never huge. I graduated high school at about 200 pounds or just under that. I gained a lot of weight with my early and often pregnancies in 1997, 1999 and 2002, ending up at 320 lbs.

"Why?" I could fill blog posts with "why?"

But, mainly, I learned to eat poorly when I moved out on my own with my morbidly obese husband. We were very very young and poor as hell; take out and easily prepared frozen and boxed foods became the easiest foods to purchase. Our rent was $1000.00 a month, and Mr. MM was making little more than that in his retail management jobs. One, at McDonald's Where I Would So Like a #1.

"No excuse, Beth."

Sorry. It's the truth. Mr. MM had zero clue about nutrition, the boy ate little more than Little Debbie Cakes and take-out when I met him. His habits of high sugared carbs slipped in my diet very quickly. I didn't even know about singly-wrapped carbs of love! What are these wee confections?

And, WHY do they cost just ninety-nine cents for a whole box? WHO DOES THIS TO PEOPLE? Food marketers. They be sly.

It snowballed. We both gained a lot of weight, very rapidly. We could have been a case study for somebody, teenage parents with no money, what happens? You can get fat. (It could have been worse. It could have been The Meth or something.) This was before we had the internet, before we had much more entertainment than TV and "should we order pizza?" Because thats what we did.

Fast forward through some poor life decisions, and find Mr. at work one day, told that he will have a hard time getting anywhere or getting promoted if he didn't do something about his sloppy appearance. He was floored, embarrassed, shriveled up and died a lot. He wanted nothing more than to get ahead and provide enough for the family. He would do anything. He's never NOT had a job, since age 14.

Very quickly, we were both together in a weight loss surgery educational program, and both decided to jump head-first into this thing. I know he was thinking quick-fix. I was along for the ride.

We did it. He let me go first, you know, just in case it didn't work and I broke, so he could back out.

On April 5th, 2004, I had weight loss surgery. I only wish I knew about blogging more in 2003 and 2004 because I am missing months of vital information that I would love to fall back on. It's pretty much a big blur. Mr. MM had surgery a month later, and the two of us were both nearly to goal by summer 2005. I hit a low of 149 pounds from my surgery day weight of 298 pounds.

"Confetti."

I got pregnant in 2005 and miscarried, and started the fun of anemia.

I got pregnant again in very early 2006, and distinctly remember standing on the scale and seeing 176 lbs. I gained to 210 lbs. by the day of delivery from my low of 149 lbs. Much of this was water weight, but I also had quite a bit of extra fat packed on. (As moms tend to do, I am still blaming some of this on the 4 year old, and the 9 and 12 and 13 year old.)

During this pregnancy, which is sort of blogged about here, I became super anemic, developed serious reactive hypoglycemia, and some odd neurological symptoms that I called, "swooshes." 200792_182761388434944_105130816198002_430454_6561227_n

I had a seizure on the birthing table after my daughter was born, but it was never diagnosed or confirmed, the doctors in OB unit thought I might have had a stroke. (I only know now that the episode was likely a partial complex seizure, because I have them now.)

I became Dr. Google and self-diagnosed quite a bit of what was going on with me, and got confirmation from doctors later. Googling yourself is dangerous, because we tend to find diseases we did not know existed, but sometimes it's the right one. Turns out I did have reactive hypoglycemia, my blood sugar does a nosedive if I eat carbohydrates.

Also, anemia, I will likely deal with this on and off for life. Oral iron supplementation helps, but when it can't hold me up, I need iron infusions.

Other issues crop up, go away, come back...

I lost most of the baby weight, and I was planning for reconstructive plastic surgery when my brain broke. I was at my plastic surgeon's office for a pre-operative check up, during Mr MM's post plastics check up, when I had a grand mal seizure. Hit the floor, and the next thing I knew, I woke in the neurological unit of the hospital looking for my new plastics. "Wait, they forgot the boobs."

Fast forward, I'm an epileptic.

"Confetti."

Before you ask: NO. I have no confirmation that these events are connected to my gastric bypass. I thought at one time that my brain didn't work because my pancreas works too well. I blogged about that for posts and posts and posts, I also thought maybe I was missing some vital nutrient. However, I would give you a kidney, part of my liver, lung, whathaveyou in exchange for DISPROVING it. It is very difficult to NOT connect it. Full disclosure: my neurologist did find a section of my brain that is malformed, but I never had a seizure or neurological event (that I am aware of) until I lost 170 lbs with the aid of gastric bypass. And, I'm not the only person with this phenomena -- so of course we'd like to see research -- Thank You Large Medical Institutions -- my brain is yours for testing.

The first big seizure that I am aware of, hit January 2008, and I had several additional seizures in the months following, until I wasmedicated doped up enough to stop them. The grand mal seizures stopped since taking Dilantin and other add-ons, however, I have simple and complex partial seizures too frequently to consider driving or working.

I quit driving for about somanymonths, and started again, and promptly drove into a tree last spring. I no longer drive. I no longer have a car/job. You can thank epilepsy.

Which is why you see what you see! Hello, MM! "Oh no she didn't?"

She did. She had to.

This blog was in existence long, long before my "disability," but once I became a leper/hermit/housebound old lady, I had to utilize it.

I physically qualify for disability income, but to get it I had to go back to work and earn more work credits.(That makes so much sense, right? Tell a housebound epileptic with no memory to go to work.)

Want to twitch?

So, what did I do? I went to work for myself. I am paying my own work credits, so that when I CANNOT work for myself any longer, I will have a measly few bucks to continue buying the groceries for a family of six. It's a reality of someone with a neurological disorder. Brains fail. I could stop forming words and ideas tomorrow, and if a blogger makes income by blogging? There goes that idea. It's very difficult NOW to form a coherent flowing thought, I know how quickly it could fail me altogether.

There's a huge blur of 2008-2011. Damn near anything that happened to me is blogged here. I bounced UP in weight dramatically at least once, I hit my highest non-pregnant high weight of 189 lbs. I died and swore off the scale. It was WAY TOO CLOSE to 200 lbs, and that is no-MM's land.

"Why did you gain weight, Beth?"

I ate too much. Obviously. My food choices don't really change, but my portions and how many times, DO. And, if I don't pay attention, I can easily eat every 45 minutes. Also, during part of the time, I was driving again, I had access to instant-food and Starbucks. And, SEIZURE DRUGS = WEIGHT GAINERS. Fun!

I had some super epigastric pain and got an endoscopy, and while I don't have an ulcer, I do have "attacks" where it feels like I have something burning and sticking in my esophagus upper pouch, and it can hurt SO MUCH it feels like what is described as a heart attack. (I found out later that this may have been pancreatitis flare ups.)

Fast forward, now it's 2011. I have been "sick" with some undiagnosable (ironic) abdominal pain since December 2010. I forced my bariatric surgeon into exploratory surgery on March 1, 2011, assuming that I had something wrong with my intestines. He found nothing out of order. Which is a good thing, however, the pain returned in part by week three post op.

This, only serves to make MM feel like a hypochondriac. Seizures with no cause, and several types of gut pain with no discernible cause. But, remember! "Nothing _______ as good as ______ feels!" I think we need to rewrite that for the broken.

"Nothing would feel as good feels as good as healthy used to feels."

This kind of thing sucks for someone who is adept at doctor-avoidance. I'm living on coffee, protein and easily-digested foods, because I wait for another attack. Again, I am Google, MD, and I think I am headed next for a full-round of OB/GYN tests and perhaps some removals. If that fails me, I suppose I start again, with a gastro-intestinal doctor. All the while, the bills, they come. "Hi, this is MM! Buy stuff from my sponsors, it helps immeasurably, thank you."

That brings us to now. It's April 5th, 2011. I am seven years post op. I am 163 pounds. I've been maintaining this weight for as long as I can remember in current history.

"How do you maintain? Seven years is a long time!"

It may not be what you want to hear, so either CLOSE YOUR EYES, CLOSE THE PAGE or WALK AWAY. I don't need YOUR food guilt determining my calories. This is my blog post, and you made me write it.

I eat whatever I want.

That said, "whatever I want" is a very limited scope of foods because I am a reactive hypoglycemic, who'd rather NOT FALL INTO A COMA, HAVE A SEIZURE OR DIE while no one is looking. This means, Cotton Candy? It's TOTALLY RULED OUT. I do have limits. ;) And, I don't eat cupcakes.

It's a myth, much like unicorns who fart rainbows and glitter. (That does not rule out Extra Dark Ghiradelli Brownies if you've made them. I will have half of one. I won't bake anything unless I'm forced to for family functions, but, I'm not against your brownie. Anything extra-dark chocolate, feel free to send. PS. It's been too long since I've had a Extra-Dark Truffle, since before Christmas? Thank you.)

I eat whatever I want within a reasonable range every couple of hours. No big. No drama. It works for me. I don't feel that it's necessary to make food a big deal. I lost a lot of love for food when I HAD the RNY, and I am sort of glad it stuck. I am not a foodie. I am a food apathetic. If you ask where I want to go to eat? "I don't care. Anywhere." I can find something, anywhere.

Food just does not matter that much to me. Again, your path may be different, and that is okay.

I have found that others do not respect my path, and say it leads to complete failure, so, do what is best for you. Each of us learns at some point, what kind of triggers we have with food, and what we can and cannot handle.

Half a sandwich is NOT going to send me back to size 28W.

For me, this works. I am seven years post op, and still down 157 pounds. And, I eat sandwiches. GASP!

Follow me -- as I lead you to the path of bariatric failure, it's lined with low-carb high protein bread, which "obviously" leads to Doritos, the powder you have to snort, and then we hit hard-core, injecting liquid donuts straight into our veins. Then, and only then, can you Fail Like MM.

That said, because I must be completely honest: I still over do it. I refuse to lie. I am honest. Photos don't lie. Obviously, I'm still maintaining 'overweight.' I'm okay with my size. If I never changed from THIS SIZE, it's fine. You don't need to be a size 0-6 to be a weight loss surgery success - newsflash. In fact, "success" is technically defined by landing way higher than I did.

But, for maintaining 163 lbs? I blame my forgetful and snacky self, who tends to grab a piece of cheese (100 calories, every single time!) or the like and "forget about it." Why? I fail to SIT AND EAT meals.

My choice foods tend to be protein heavy and calorie dense. Tons of protein, meat, cheeses, whole grain carbs, soy, vegetables and fats. I eat very little fruit (hypoglycemia and texture aversions) and veggies in piles only when I can tolerate them through the gut. I have little bulk to my daily food, and lots of calories, so it's very easy to have too much. (Who eats one ounce of nuts?! One slice of cheese?! Right. Too easy.)

I don't know how many calories I eat, but I am quite sedentary, and I've been maintaining this weight so long as I've had the gut-pain as well, without any real exercise, so I guess it's close to 1500 calories. If I exercised, I am sure I'd tone up and whittle down to my low pretty fast, I'm only 14 pounds different thanmy VERY LOWEST POINT, at which I was walking 3-5 miles a day and eating jack schitt.

It isn't the best situation, because I need to move my butt before it liquefies. I know this. But for now, as I get diagnosis-es, it works. And, that's okay.

What now? Taking over the wurldz. With a broken gut and head, along with my broken BBGC's.

Right now, it's this:

New York, NY Apr 14 - Apr 16, 2011
Ethicon Endosurgery + Obesity Action Coalition...

Las Vegas, NV May 13 - May 15, 2011
WLSFA Event

Orlando, FL Jun 12 - Jun 17, 2011
ASMBS

Seattle, WA Jul 14 - Jul 17, 2011
Obesity Help Conference

New Orleans, LA Sep 8 - Sep 11, 2011
Obesity Help Conference

New York, NY Oct 20 - Oct 23, 2011

Obesity Help Conference

The original question was: "Do you regret your weight loss surgery now that you're seven years post op?" I still can't answer that. Like I said three years ago, ask me AGAIN at ten years.

The weight loss surgery was a success, it helped me lose 170 pounds. Done.

"Confetti."

That was the goal of the gastric bypass, no? It wasn't meant to do anything else. I didn't have any disease to cure by losing weight, I was averting future disease. That was probably the right thing to do, regardless of HOW I lost 170 pounds, it was probably a good idea to just lose the weight.

If it were that simple? It would be. It isn't. And, don't believe anyone who tells you it IS.

"It worked, and that's great, want one? And for you?"

8 comments

It's my day, and what have I got? A big sad face.

Apr 04, 2011

It's my day, and what have I got? A big sad face.

Today is my seven year anniversary of my weight loss surgery. *mini confetti party* I made it. (Post later.)

I'm walking in the Walk From Obesity on April 30th, that's 25 days away.

I've got a team that is "this big." I've got donations that are "this small." I have a very sad.

Last year I raised almost $2500.00 for the Walk. (Also, the year before...etc.)

I just raised the equivalent of about $3000.00 in memberships for the OAC's Membership Drive last week.

I'm not doing too hot here.

Don't make me sweat for no cause, kids. I don't sweat on purpose for ANY reason. You don't think I am serious, I am. *grin* Add to that, I'm going to be sweating by myself, with my boo-boo. *tear.

Please join me? If you are local enough - do it. If not - donate.

Continue reading "It's my day, and what have I got? A big sad face." »

1 comment

We did it, THANK YOU OH!

Apr 03, 2011

OAC Membership Drive Giveaway Winners!

Click to enlarge, we sort of kicked BUTT! WINNERS, INCLUDING THE WINNER OF THE VACATION LISTED BELOW! (Yes, I promised I would give it away, and I did. The winner tried to give it back to me, but. NO. LOL.)

Continue reading "OAC Membership Drive Giveaway Winners!" »

0 comments

LAST DAY to WIN A VACATION!

Please join the OAC now, online!

Simply fill out the form, and use my name as your recruiter. I did it, recruiting myself to renew!

Use my name as your referral! If I WIN, I am REGIFTING THE GRAND PRIZE TO ONE OF YOU. Also, other prizes listed below.

Continue reading "Way to pay it forward - and be HEARD! " »

0 comments

The Cupcake Defense.

Mar 20, 2011

I know it's not required, you don't have to post back, "You don't have to explain yourself." I know that people will misunderstand me, or things I post, at any point. This is part of blogging. It happens, boo-hoo. It's also what happens more often than not with me, because I display a different view on many subjects about the post weight loss surgery life.

"How could you//OMGWHATDOYOUMEANYOUDON'TDOTHAT/what do you mean eat a half-sandwich?"

I'm used to being different. I know that if changed my opinions to that of the bariatric majority I would be more mainstream and likely more "successful." (Whatever that means, because you keep asking me to Do Just That, "just change your opinions and be more positive.")

This is the reason why I am dumping the cupcake (pun absolutely intended) as part the Bariatric Bad Girls' logo. I am in full understanding that we, as a group, cannot be taken seriously by a good part of the bariatric community if people are taking it LITERALLY. (As in, totally literally, as if I were FORCE FEEDING THE WOMENS A CUPCAKE ON THE INTERNET.) Wait, WHAT?

But, Beth, "take seriously, YOU?"

Yes, in part.

You're never going to be able to take me one hundred percent seriously. The day THAT happens, please shoot me.

Why? Because, I keep finding myself in a position to defend "the cupcake."

THE CUPCAKE!

This has been an issue for as long as I have been blogging. I'm the "bad example girl," because I don't subscribe to any hard-core dieting ideas as a post op weight loss surgery patient.

Some even went as far as to label me a "Dorito Eater." (Or, any number of less than stellar food product choices there.)

"Today, there are all kinds of people on the other side of the frozen lake rooting you on, having a party with confetti and some even have Oreos. Come on – walk faster! Don’t worry! The ice is THICK! Don’t be scared! Have an Oreo, we are having an Oreo. You deserve to eat that Oreo if you want one! We are eating an Oreo and look at us! Don’t listen to those people trying to scare you! You didn’t have surgery to be on a diet for the rest of your life! Go ahead, have half a sandwich, its whole wheat bread! Would you like a Diet Mountain Dew?" -Blog Post

The ironic bit is that I do not eat "Doritos." (Or damn near any of the things suggested. Come stay with me for a week. It's a lot of "fun" to watch my actual dietary intake.)

Yes, I am aware that the post I quoted may have nothing to do with "me" or the Bariatric Bad Girls, however, I see how it could be immediately connected, since I was previously the "Dorito - Donut - Eater."

Example from Facebook -

"There are hundreds of newbies and pre-op'rs that see the messages sent (as you stated above) and they can be so confusing and with all due respect, destructive as well. Without seeing your clarification I would have continued to misunderstand your purpose with the BBGC..again, thanks for the clarity. -Poster on Facebook"

This is in response to my comment regarding this blog post

Me - "Restriction, denial and avoidance create monsters. Eating disorders are RAMPANT in our community, and how do they start?"

I would never freak out and tell you that you CANNOT have something/anything you desire. I have always been an advocate of the three bites of anything idea. If you feel you need something SO BAD, try to wait it out, and then, if you forget about it? Super. If you don't? Have it. Three bites. Own it. The argument against this is that "You wouldn't give an alcoholic a drink would you?" (This is another post, because, obviously our community is drinking, hardcore.)

I undertstand that fully, however, not everyone is a full-on food addict, not everyone is a binge-eater. Some of us gained weight by eating big meals for every meal, most of the time. Some of us weren't obese for many, many years either. I was morbidly obese from 1997 - 2004. And, much of these behaviors are halted with weight loss surgery, sometimes it's enough to stop us from being stupid about our bodies, ALL OF THE TIME.

"why do some run up to the line and jump over it, while others dont get near the line. Maybe the folks who cant wait to test the waters with an Oreo are the addicts!" Blog Post Comments

(Chew on that.)

But, we do not have to be PERFECT. We must do our BEST. That first year or two living as a post op, we do our DAMNED best.

"Normal" people, without gastric surgeries are far, far from perfect.

In other words: How About A CUPCAKE? How about simply the IDEA of a cupcake? The food porn? The idea of a cupcake mascot? Cute - sweet - lovable - but sometimes you just want to BITE her?

A sugary-sweet mass of carbohydrate confection that has no nutritional purpose in any DIETER'S DIET.

But, do I need to be the one to tell you NO?

Do I need to slap your hand away from the cupcake?

Do you need your mommy?

I am not your mother. I am not your doctor. I am not your nutritionist. I am not your any-body. Again, if you are finding your mommy on the internet, she had better be a professional mommy.

The "cupcake" was intended as a symbol, of choices, of being an adult who can MAKE THEIR OWN ADULT DECISIONS ABOUT NUTRITON AND LIFE, pretty much in general. Here is the current mission statement of the Bariatric Bad Girls Club.

"The Bariatric Bad Girls Club is a social network where members find support and tools for advocacy. Real women (and a few brave men) share the good, the bad, and the ugly of everyday life after weight loss surgery, including matters from which others shy away.

The BBGC emphasizes education and self-advocacy for bariatric patients. Its members fervently believe in correcting the misinformation surrounding life after weight loss surgery, but they just as adamantly believe in maintaining a humor-filled atmosphere and not taking themselves too seriously.

The BBGC was created for the misfits of one-size-fits-all bariatric mentalities.

Now, it is a forum for honest information and the occasional cupcake. There must always be cupcakes. -BBGC"

I thought it was quite clear.

Having weight loss surgery does not make a person a child again, does it?

Again, do you need your mommy?

It has become obvious that there are many people out there who do not want choices. Some people want a rule-book, guidelines, and overall bariatric baby-ing. Some want a mommy.

"Tell me what to do, so I can be just like you, Mommy."

Rules and guidelines are a great thing, however the BBGC was initiated on the premise that ADULT WOMEN (and the assorted man brave enough to rock a pink bracelet) can make BIG GIRL CHOICES sometimes, and do not require hand-holding and coddling.

Big girls, whom, don't really NEED to be force-fed ideas about anything, because, they use COMMON SENSE first. Just because you have weight loss surgery does not mean you do not have your common sense.

The argument against this idea (the idea that we can get by as individuals, with well, "a little help from our friends...") is that women who "allowed themselves" to get morbidly obese "need" someone or something holding them accountable, or they won't perform. Or, if the fat girl doesn't subscribe to a certain Way Of Thinking, she cannot possibly succeed.

Example -

"Misery loves company. IF others are doing it, it cant be that bad! or Can it? Isn’t this how we got to be Morbidly Obese to start with? By ignoring the reality of our actions? Yep." -Blog Post

No. You DO realize that even FAT PEOPLE CAN BE SUCCESSFUL IN MOST ANY AREA OF LIFE, but simply NOT HAVE CONTROL OVER THEIR BODIES? Please.

Plenty of weight loss surgery post ops have had amazing success without any specific book, gads of peers, perfect products, or the newest fad: Life Coaching. If you told me eight years ago, that my personal success depended upon eating a fad diet, following rules that change with trends or buying into life coaching, or going to Overeaters Anonymous meetings ... there's no way I would have agreed willingly to this journey.

All I knew at the time is that weight loss surgery would probably make me lose the weight. Problem, solved. I understood that there were ramifications of having anatomy altering surgery; I knew I was likely to develop nutritional deficiences or have a lesser risk of having a post-operative complication. The surgeon did a swell job of educating me in those areas. But, he never told me, "You're going to need to buy a book and follow the plan, hire a trainer, get a coach, or any number of rules beyond these basic common sense guidelines."

You need to write your own book, find your own path.

This post-op journey, is entirely individual and your success depends on what you do.

No life coach, fad diet or online self-proclaimed guru can do it for you.

While some of those things might make you feel strong enough to push on and do better, the success is because of what YOU DO.

A "cupcake," (or any other food, person or influence) just as well, isn't going to make you do WORSE, because, your failure?

THAT IS ALSO UP TO YOU.

Especially if it's virtual.

5 comments

Shoot me like a racehorse.

Mar 02, 2011

Good news? I have pain, for a legitimate reason! Positive! Real, honest-to-dog pain! I'm positive! Happy! Look! I'm positive that I have pain! Happy, shiny, MM! Smiles, happy, sunshine! Unicorns, rainbows!

"I love my WLS. I love my surgeon. "Nothing feels as good as thin feels." I've lost weight! Oh my goodness I feel so fabulous."

*That's part one of my positivity campaign. Do you feel it? That. hurts. me. to. write.

Pain. Enough to hunch me over and make me squeal like a little girl in my attempt to come up the stairs, get in or out of the bed, or move, at all.

Bad news? The pain is due to the fact that I was blown up like a puffer fish for exploratory surgery to find a pain that apparently does not exist or have a cause.

I am not surprised. I knew, going in to this procedure that we were ruling out the possible causes of gut pain, ie. hernia. I am glad I do not have an internal hernia. This is good! Positive! But, it would have been nice to have one -- fix it -- and be somewhat cleared of pain.

The frustration is that, now? Once this pain from being stabbed in four locations and filled with gas passes -- if the lower gut pain is still there? What then?

Yesterday was a long ass clusterfuck, HOW-EVER. If you were watching my Facebook, you saw some of it.

I arrived to registration early as asked, and enjoyed the odors of feces, feet and sausage, in that order. I sat in registration/holding from 11:00am - until well past my surgery time of 1:30pm. I was patient until after my surgery time came and went and I was getting stir-crazy as you can imagine being without food, water, medication for THAT LONG can do that. I could cut a bitch for a glass of water.

I sat watching my phone, and downloaded a $9.99 SPRINT TV subscription and watched MSNBC in desperation. Yes, THAT DESPERATE. I paid for MSNBC. We discussed Libya, Lybia vs. Labia.

There were no magazines, no TV, no distractions in this waiting room for pre-surgical patients. And, it smelled like old diapers filled with sausage. I was trying to keep my own self together and sniff my own armpits, which, where fresh with two showers and Degree!

*don'tgetnauseousdon'tgetnauseous* I didn't -- but Mr. MM did.

We sat in holding until, well, I don't remember, it must have been 3pm when I went to pre-op. Up in bed, one very painful failed IV, another, then wait for the surgeon.

The surgeon comes in to discuss what the procedure is, and mentions to the anesthesiologist that "this'll be a quick one."

I asked at least once, if it will take longer, if he finds anything awry. "Yes."

But, "This will be quick."

He also said that he does this kind of surgery often. And, that sometimes, just getting in there and moving stuff around, and jiggling the guts around (not his exact words, but EXACTLY HOW I HEARD IT) is a magical fix for the unknown, undiagnosable pain of a post bypass patient. That was um, helpful? He said later to Mr. MM, that sometimes it's as simple as something "pinching," and by taking a look at the intestines, they might shift it and stop it. One may never know. I did say to the surgeon that I didn't CARE how, just make it stop. If moving shit around did the trick, so be it.

I was asked the requisite four thousand questions, and off to surgery. I was given a small dose of something "relaxing," but I was clearly aware of being shifted to the operating table, and pinned down like Jesus. I also remember "breathing deep." I wasn't really anxious, because I WANTED to get this pain gone.

Waking up in recovery was "fun." I felt like I'd been sat on by an elephant. There's really no other way to explain it, it's just an all over OMG. I had no idea if anything had been done TO me, but it hurt enough that I thought I'd had guts rearranged again. No one told me a damn thing though, so I was just to assume that I had actually been sliced and fixed.

When I was more aware, the nurse asked me to take some pills, which promptly started the pouch pain, and I was in misery. I tried to explain unsuccessfully, that the reaction to the pills is normal for me, and I try not to take pills because,THAT HAPPENS, and I end up rocking and dying for an hour. She asked had I had an endoscopy, and I was trying to explain how that's how this all started one year ago. The pouch pain with NO REASON. I swallow pills = I get pain, my esophagus and "pouch" cramp and stop working, and I rot for an hour, and sometimes it gets bad enough that it feels like a heart attack. It's just it. That, plus the lower gut pain, I have both, concurrently, there's no reason for either. I'm sorry I have no explanation, and I'm sure you think I'm nuts, but GOD DAMN IT, THE FUCKING PERCOCET HURT MY STOMACH. NO MORE PILLS. (I didn't say it, I thought it.)

She gave me an RX for liquid meds for home, after calling the resident to describe my issue. She also told me that I could "sleep" ... clearly I don't sleep. Medication does not work in my body, namely, pills.

The nurse asked if I wanted Mr. MM to come up, so he did, and he explained that the surgeon didn't find anything - hernia, alien, or otherwise. And, he'd also dug up into my RNY up high and that "looked good, too" so, there's nothing he could see that could cause my lower left quadrant pain. The surgeon was gone before I woke up -- and I never heard from him. So, there's that, the "hypochondriac post bypass patient" he just opened up and billed CIGNA for $$,$$$.

It was getting late - change of shift time - and I felt the nurses pushing me to get the heck out of there. I did not feel ready, I was a bit loopy, and in a shit-ton of pain. They moved me to a chair, took AWAY my bed and pulled my IV. It must have been pushing 7pm, and the PACU was empty. I heard nurses quarreling about "My shift's over, you deal with it" regarding another patients' issue, so I knew that it was time to go.

However, it occured to Mr. MM later, that I was never technically discharged. I have all of the carbon copies of the paperwork, and nobody signed it. Oops.

I have four incisions, much like my gastric bypass, and honestly, the pain is similar. I feel like I was hit by a damn truck right now. I know that they did not do anything to my insides aside from play with them, but simply digging in and filling me up with gas, hurt. This should pass fast, though. It's just harsh right now. I don't respond well to pain medication, this is becoming obvious as a full dose of Roxicet is like water, and here I am. I don't want to take anything.

What is next? I wait for the pain of the $$,$$$ surgery to pass, and then, see if the original pain returns.

If so, it's BACK to the obstetrician/gynecologist and asking THEM to look AGAIN, and see if this is the ovarian cyst and fibroids causing drama. (Already went there in this cycle of"find the pain!") If so, TAKE IT OUT. All of it. I don't need my baby-maker. YOU CAN HAVE IT. In fact, take it, it's a gift.

If not, take me out to pasture. In the most positive way possible. ;)

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Obesity Help 2011 Events - Coupon Code - Announcement!

Feb 25, 2011

Obesity Help 2011 Events - Coupon Code - Announcement!

I am MM.

I am NOT fabulous. But, I LOVE OH with big puffy hearts.

"For the past 10 years, ObesityHelp.com has served the nation as the #1 online resource center offering peer to peer support and the very best information about the treatment options for obesity and plastic surgery after weight loss.

Now, the trusted name in the industry travels nationwide in hopes to meet you in person and to provide you with the opportunity to meet your peers face-to-face and to speak with the leading industry experts who can answer your questions and further provide you with the education, information, and support you deserve."

We are scheduling many events that cover a wide range of issues: pre-op, post-op, plastic surgery, insurance summits and much more."

I've been attending conferences since 2008, and I have to say, I LOVE ME SOME OBESITY HELP EVENTS.

I do. The proof is in the hundreds of photos. (However, I tend to not be in them until the cupcakes come out because I am permanently attached to a Nikon.)

Where ELSE can you be in the same place with hundreds of your weight loss surgery peers? Uh, it never happens.

We have a great time, learn a whole heaping lot, and did I mention having a great time?

We do. It's always fun, amazing and inspirational regardless of your stage in this insane journey or stage of broken. Seriously.

I'm broken, and I still love going to meet my peers. They support me in ways you can't imagine.

Don't think you "can't go," because you've got a broken, a regain, or you're just not ... feeling it.

Frankly, I am the Anti-Fabulous MM^TM, with sparkly Chucks.

We know this. I post often about my anti-fabulousity. I've decided, I'm going to go regardless, barefoot, and have a KICK ASS TIME, sans any fabulous!

You are our people. Come. Meet us.

Need some motivation?

Buy your OH Event Tickets with my coupon code "meltingmama"

All commission PROCEEDS from the sale of tickets with the code "meltingmama" will directly benefit the Obesity Action Coalition (OAC) and the BBGC Education Fund.

Yep. I am donating my earnings back. (As are some of my BBGC peers. I will link.) Pay it forward we do.

Let's go!

Come to SEATTLE, NEW YORK + NEW ORLEANS! Come be unFABULOUS WITH ME!

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What do you want?

Feb 20, 2011

I have heard it before. I will hear it again. And, again, I'm hearing it loud, clear and I don't know how to respond.

Due to the nature of who I am or how I present myself, not everyone is going to "like me." Fine.

Back when I taped those long-forgotten web videos of Melting Mama's Reality Bites, I was told something. I was told that I couldn't go "mainstream" until I cleaned up my "act" and you know, changed. At that time, I couldn't fathom what "mainstream" was, because I wasn't blogging for any reason other than to blog.

What do you mean mainstream?

Bloggers didn't blog to make wads of money, for fame or notoriety, did they? Certainly not in my niche. Weight loss? That's crazy talk. Oh, they DO? Nobody told me! Clearly I wasn't paying attention.

"If you'd just ____________ you'd be unstoppable." For what? I wasn't trying to be unstoppable. I just wanted to write.

You mean -- if I stopped dropping the f-bomb in my personal blog, that's going to make me Successful Beyond Compare? I just wanted to write.

If I don't get exasperated and rant once in a while, I will land a million dollar advertising contract with Johnson + Johnson for Band Aids? "Sure Thing!" Uh. No.

Even if I buff off the rougher edges of my personality, it is still unlikely that I would fit a corporate definition of whatever it would take to be "unstoppable."

What is it that you want me to do? I told you I was open to options, I am "technically" unemployed, but, what? I just want to write.

I already told you, I'm not a billboard type. Even if I had a one hundred percent perfectly post op experience, I don't see the Before and Afters the same way you do. I see Before and During and Later. It's a constant progression, undefinable by a certain time frame or others descriptions of success.

If it's clear that I am not a success by the standard definitions, why would you want me to be "unstoppable?" Why would you want me as your example?

Because, if you ask me to "just stop doing this, change that, alter this, and start doing that," it's no longer me. Who do you want? What do you want? I just want to write.

I didn't get HERE by being a Picture of Post Op Perfection. I got here, by just writing. I have had more success than I could imagine, by just writing.

I am somewhat respected by those who want to know they don'tHAVE to be a Picture of Post Op Perfection, and want to know that they did not fail, because their surgical procedure FAILED THEM. Also, by those who have had a super successful experience, but enjoy the candor of being a little too real, because you know what, it's like looking in a mirror, no?

The reason I have any success at this point, is that I AM THE MAJORITY. We are the majority. The not-perfect results.

*Your Results Will Vary. And, they do. I ask you this, do you know ANYONE that has had weight loss surgery and NOT had a side effect, complication or emotional distress?

<cricket, cricket>

No. You don't.

For those who we "look up" to in the community, who propogate the ideas of Post Op Perfection are more broken than you know. We are all equal.

The difference between they and I? They may have learned to hide the "broken" a little bit better to sell themselves. "Fabulous! And don't you look AMAZING!" I didn't care to do so, because I didn't care about the potential for money nor the career goals in my WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY. What does lying get you anyway? I am not out to get a career as a long term weight loss surgery whore, so why am I constantly asked to do just that? What am I not seeing? I just want to write.

My surgery was a complete success. I am a success. I repeatedly say this. So what? I don't need to plaster it somewhere. My blogging came out of the need to write because I needed something to keep me entertained while I was home, because my "successful surgery" broke me in other ways! I just wanted to write.

So, you tell me. What do you want from me? Honestly.

Besides the obvious: "Don't say f____, Beth, it's offensive. Don't pick on Beachbody, that's irritating and I do not appreciate it ."

You don't think I know this? Do items like this require emails to discuss? Come on. I'm not stupid. I know it's offensive. I know I push buttons. It's half the reason people follow my rantings.

What? What is it that you think is this magical thinking that is going to take me from a semi-successful blogger to UNSTOPPABLE LIKE OPRAH? Seriously. I just want to write. I think I just did.

6 comments

Obesity Help 2011 Events - Coupon Code - Announcement!

Feb 17, 2011