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My weight is finally moving down.  I was at a standstill for about 6 months! Crazy!  Through some self acceptance, discipline and high intensity workouts my scale has shifted and have felt real motivation.  I am finally at peace with the death of my beloved mother and think that was one of the main obstacles in my weight loss.  I was able to shed my mourning and it helped me shed some pounds.  Odd.

I also walked/ran a 5K.  Some would say that is a great feat but I'm still uncomfortable accepting that.  I can walk 4.5 miles no problem, so whats the big deal?  The deal was that I made myself a priority and made that event a must for me to accomplish.  That's the triumph.  It was my husband's birthday and his mother from FL was in town but i told him I was at his birthday for 22 years so far and I would be back in the afternoon.  I put myself first for a few hours.  I didn't feel selfish, I felt great!  It was fun, the weather was beautiful and I was with like minded, inspired people.  And then I came home.  DONE.  I did it!

I struggle with ME every single day, every few hours.  Even right now I struggle with going downstairs to the treadmill or walk outside.  You know what, I choose outside.

Love you.  Love me.

xoxo 

I notice that I look in the mirror more often and choose my clothes carefully.  I think I always did choose my clothes carefully but now I have a responsibility to wear clothes that are befitting to my new frame.  I still have a lot of my old clothes and have altered quite a few of them.  

I don't talk about my weight loss as much as my husband did when he lost a lot of weight.  I try not to bring too much attention to myself, have always been like that.  I like to come on this site to see my weight loss chart and am always glad to update my weight and some of my measurements.  I'm patient - this weight is going to come off!

I am no longer morbidly obese, just obese. yay?

I really want to take a good walk tomorrow.  Need to do more of that!

First I want to write down some NSVs before I forget.

Shoes fit
Fit in an airplane seat, no problem
Feel friendly

I'm still fat, 216 lb. but, feel so much better.

Prejudices:

With all the hoopla about Jennifer Hudson it is both sad and real that unfortunately, we get a big fuss made about us if we lose weight.  Losing weight simply looks so much better on us.  The way the world is gushing about her is superficial and they would never ever go on and on about her appearance if she was still heavy.  So it's so apparent that as a community, we go so crazy over skinny people and it's because, they just plain look so much better!

That's all there is to it.  Fat is ugly.  I can't find another way to put it.

Today I read a newsletter called Bandwagon on the Road which is a newsletter written weekly by the author of the book Bandwagon - all about the band.  She highlighted a woman on her 3rd bandiversary replete with pictures.  Beautiful.  Lots a lot of weight.  She writes:

Elena's 3rd bandiversary is on May 13th. She's lost 156 pounds! Elena is the pluckiest young lady (and world traveler) I've had the pleasure to know in a long time. Since her band surgery, she's lost weight, a best friend, and a job, but she has kept on moving and has now gained a toned body, the cultural adventure of teaching English in Korea, and has married the love of her life. Elena's weight loss has been an amazing transformation, as the fat melted away to reveal the beautiful girl who'd been waiting inside. Her before and after photos will blow you away!

Now, I have mixed feelings about my fat.  Does that mean before I lose weight, I'm disgusting?  Ugly?  Unsightly?  Am I only beautiful BECAUSE I lost weight?  Clearly, Elena looks a lot better and happier slimmer.  How do I work out those feelings that say I'm unworthy of praise UNTIL I lose weight?  I feel bad for my old self!!  It makes me sad to think that the world thinks the old me was gross and the new me is so much better.  I'M STILL ME!  And sadly, it doesn't matter that the inner me was beautiful or delightful all along.  :( I buy into those prejudices myself and did, especially about Gaborey Sadibe and Jennifer Hudson.  Gaborey...I see u!!!

ttyl

     

 

I was going to write 6 months down and only 35 pounds but I decided not to.  35 down.  I feel good about that certainly and while at first this journey didn't go fast enough, it's fast enough for me because if I lose another 30 before the year end mark - that's 65 frickin pounds off my flabby body and I could NOT have done that without this LB surgery.  So since my body is holding on to this fat for dear life, I anticipate most of it will eventually be gone forever and until then (and always), I've got to be accountable for the food I put into my mouth.  Now, if you'll excuse me, gotta go to the gym.

I really decided to put in the full effort this week and I have to say, the scale moved a lb. already.  Started to go all protein with natural carbs (if any).  No crackers, slice of bread - nothing.  Also eating a normal portion and to stop grazing.  And, we have to remember to drink in our down time!  Exhausted from this.

But last night, when I was beginning to graze (nosh), I think I don't know how to NOT do those things.  That's why I keep doing it - it's the only way I know how to exist and I've never been in a place where I don't feed my soul.  It's a weird feeling.  This is a learning process.  Even tonight, I made an amazing dinner and when I ate what was on my plate, I went back for seconds because my tastebuds were singing and I just "had to have it".  No i didn't!  Thankfully, I didn't get stuck but I did finish the portion and except for the sausage and a half, it was pretty much fat free.  But, I may be rationalizing.

It is a real effort that rears its ugly head in the evening hours.  Grazing has filled my time and my tummy.  I'm home alone and loving it - I should really do my needlepoint right about now!  But this has been a quiet moment or two and I wanted to write it down before I forget.

I really need to relearn strategies that keep me on track.  Hard to believe I need to do such things.  Like I said once before - I thought the Band would do that FOR ME. 

I've never taken the time to write it all out.  Might as well start.  I'm so inspired by others' profiles and I'm still shy about putting up a picture.

Everything went well, surgery, recovery.   I may have jumped the gun and ate a bit sooner than I should have and by that I mean yogurt and pureed soup but I was STARVING.  I had really never been starving and even now I become ravenous.  Interesting and noisy sensations.

Lost 12 lbs the first week after surgery and the weight has pretty much came off pretty slowly.  I hit 15 and 18 lbs and held that for a while and then 22-24 lbs gone has been a plateau for weeks.  So, something is holding me back.  I've decided it's my portion sizes.  But, I thought the band would aid me in keeping my portions sizes small but yet I can still pack it away.  Not nearly like I used to but it's evident that my calorie count is enough to keep me at a plateau.  Can be super discouraging let me tell you.  It's not like I'm eating chocolate and ice cream either. 

I'm also exercising 4 days a week with weights, walking and a trainer.  Even bought a heart monitor to observe my heart rate zone.  Clothes are looser.  Getting a little deflated but so far, no miraculous weight loss. 

The band is a lot of hard work.  I thought I would eat a little and push my plate back and say "ohhhh, I'm so full".  No.  It doesn't work like that. (for me).  Sure, I get stuck episodes which are frightening.  Old poor habits of eating quickly can do that to you.  I'm already 8.5 filled in a 10cc band.  Pretty full.  But yet, not really.  Not sure when it should be time for another fill.  That's where I'm at.