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Time to take charge......again
Mar 10, 2011
I realized this morning I was slipping dangerously down the slope of past behaviors. I actually started to sneak some food!!!! Seriously?????? There isn't even anyone monitoring me BUT ME and I feel like I need to SNEAK something?? God why don't those feeelings just don't go away magically because of the surgery.
I am under stress in every aspect of my life right now and I just want to stuff.... I want to stuff stuff stuff the fear and the anxiety and the anger and the insecurity down deep enough not to think about it or feel it.
Stress about money prevents me from using the alternative addiction of shopping.... so I go back to the mode where I stuff with food.
I am going to take charge! I am going to make healthy choices! I have come too far to slip back into this!!!!!!
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I am under stress in every aspect of my life right now and I just want to stuff.... I want to stuff stuff stuff the fear and the anxiety and the anger and the insecurity down deep enough not to think about it or feel it.
Stress about money prevents me from using the alternative addiction of shopping.... so I go back to the mode where I stuff with food.
I am going to take charge! I am going to make healthy choices! I have come too far to slip back into this!!!!!!
Easy to lose focus
Mar 07, 2011
Maybe a blog is the best place when you want to vent at yourself- you don't really want advice because you KNOW what you did wrong.... you just want it out there. I have not been monitoring my food closely for about 2 weeks. I don't know why really. I mean, things were going well.... I think maybe it is a stall and since I couldnt' figure out why I was stalling- I just kinda gave up being hyper vigilant.
My therapist- whom I think is amazing- told me to stop weighing everyday. I thought that would help but in some ways it allowed me to give up my other habits- like writing everything down. Not good.
I haven't gained but I really haven't lost in about 2 weeks either. I am worried about making goal by my one year surgiversary. I am worried about regain..... Agh.....
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My therapist- whom I think is amazing- told me to stop weighing everyday. I thought that would help but in some ways it allowed me to give up my other habits- like writing everything down. Not good.
I haven't gained but I really haven't lost in about 2 weeks either. I am worried about making goal by my one year surgiversary. I am worried about regain..... Agh.....
Home for the Holidays....
Dec 25, 2010
My first Christmas since RNY..... I love the way I am starting to fit in clothes. I hope I don't hate pictures quite as much this year. I miss terribly all of the traditional foods. This morning my sister n law made the traditional Kringle she makes each year. I ate meatloaf. I guess I ate it too fast and maybe too much because for the entire rest of the day I was sick. Felt awful! Finally about an hour ago I could eat some cheese. Although it was a bummer to feel like crap all day- it definitely made resisting the other goodies much easier. Being with family and being able to play with the kids and get up and down and walk wherever we go does make it worth all the things I am missing out on this year. I just have to keep telling myself that.
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Stall, Stress, or hormones
Dec 16, 2010
So I have been really happy with my weight loss until about 10 days ago. I started taking birth control again about 13 days ago. I have gone up and down the same 2 pounds for the last 10 days. 10 days ago I weight 283.6. I got down to 281.2 yesterday the today, with no change in diet or exercise I am back up to 283. THIS SUCKS. I want to know why! Of course I wonder if I am doing something wrong, if I have screwed something up- I am getting frustrated. Agh... just thought I would post even when I'm not happy - that is what it is all about right???? We shall see where this goes....
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Jean Shopping......
Oct 31, 2010
So today i decided that I needed a pair of jeans to wear. The last pair I bought was about 1 1/2 months after surgery and they are hanging off in a big way. I went to Torrid first- but their size 26 didn't work. (the last pair of jeans I bought were a 32) and then I walked the entire length of the mall to go to Lane Bryant. I tried on about 10 pairs of jeans. Ok- the last jeans I bought were not so difficult- there weren't jeans for different body types. This is a great concept and i am very happy to see that my legs and waist don't have to be the same width in order to buy cute jeans- but I am never going to get used to the low waist jeans- aghh... the rolls the rolls..... Then I was told- if I can fit two fingers in the waist- they are too big...... really????>??? I am definitely not the tight jeans type- but I guess that is my only choice right now. ok- so they look cute- but i am standing at the register and all of a sudden my "good" knee pops and omg there is a shooting pain. I realize that I had been standing for almost 2 hours- but that sucks!!! Every time I try to be more active or even just do more than I did- I end of getting hurt. It scares me enough to become less active again.
Tuesday I went for a walk and fell on my knees and face. FUN. So like I said - I always end up getting hurt. I am so happy to be more mobile- but I have to find a way not to get hurt!!!!
by the way- the jeans were a 24-still huge for most people but so much better than where I was.......
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Tuesday I went for a walk and fell on my knees and face. FUN. So like I said - I always end up getting hurt. I am so happy to be more mobile- but I have to find a way not to get hurt!!!!
by the way- the jeans were a 24-still huge for most people but so much better than where I was.......
3 1/2 months out and 90 lbs gone
Oct 27, 2010
Wow- where to start. I feel amazing about the weight loss. YAY. I flew last weekend and I asked the flight attendant for a seat belt extender. When I got to my seat, I thought I would give the regular belt a shot..... OMG it fastened without the extender. When the flight attendant came by- I told her I was good to go and she laughed and said, " I didn't think you needed one- but I didn't want to say anything."
Then, last night I decided to "go shopping" in my closet. That was also great. Almost all of the cute clothes that I had bought about 4 years ago, fastened. That was so cool.
I am moving better, I am feeling better. SO WHY OH WHY can I not give up carbs????? Ok- I am losing. I am not going overboard- but still...... I have a few crackers with my cheese or a low carb tortilla with cheese and come on cheese and carbs are natural go togethers- but agh..... My surgeon looked at my food log and I didn't think it was a big thing- but he said, too many carbs. So now I feel like it is a problem and I have a really hard time giving them back up.
Agh.....
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Then, last night I decided to "go shopping" in my closet. That was also great. Almost all of the cute clothes that I had bought about 4 years ago, fastened. That was so cool.
I am moving better, I am feeling better. SO WHY OH WHY can I not give up carbs????? Ok- I am losing. I am not going overboard- but still...... I have a few crackers with my cheese or a low carb tortilla with cheese and come on cheese and carbs are natural go togethers- but agh..... My surgeon looked at my food log and I didn't think it was a big thing- but he said, too many carbs. So now I feel like it is a problem and I have a really hard time giving them back up.
Agh.....
Almost 11 weeks out
Sep 26, 2010
So I started my post op diet on July 5th. I have lost 74.6 lbs since that day. Unbelievable. Well kinda...... On the one hand- it has gone so quickly that it is kinda a blur. I am so incredibly thankful for the weight being gone and the inches. It just seems like it is a dream. But on the other hand, I get scared because I have kinda disconnected in some ways from the process. I just don't always feel like I have anything to do with the weight loss. That is all my "pouch's" success. I know in my head that isn't true-but I guess I feel like such a failure on my own that I can't give myself credit for doing this. (Luckily I get to go and meet with the counselor who does the psych evals for the program this week. lol )
However, I am aware enough to know that every time I don't put something in my mouth- that is me making that choice. It is just that the choice is often motivated by fear at this point. I have gotten sick a few times when I rushed in a tried something that I thought would be so great and then regretted it very soon and for hours after. This fear is great right now.... but what about when i can eat things again. How will I remind myself of everything that I have sacrificed for this to happen? How will I daily remind myself of the changes I allowed to happen to my body(the surgery).
Anyway, this wasn't meant to be a downer post. I am really so happy with the results I have had so far. I am just very much aware that this is such a long and complicated process that has so much yet so little to do with the actual food.
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However, I am aware enough to know that every time I don't put something in my mouth- that is me making that choice. It is just that the choice is often motivated by fear at this point. I have gotten sick a few times when I rushed in a tried something that I thought would be so great and then regretted it very soon and for hours after. This fear is great right now.... but what about when i can eat things again. How will I remind myself of everything that I have sacrificed for this to happen? How will I daily remind myself of the changes I allowed to happen to my body(the surgery).
Anyway, this wasn't meant to be a downer post. I am really so happy with the results I have had so far. I am just very much aware that this is such a long and complicated process that has so much yet so little to do with the actual food.
Almost a month
Aug 14, 2010
Funny, I just realized I am not quite a whole month out from surgery. Technically it has been 4 weeks but the 15th isn't until tomorrow!!! So I feel great. I have more energy, my breathing is easier, my life is just easier. I realize I haven't even lost 1/4 of the weight I want to lose but it is already so much better.
Prior to the surgery, I couldn't really do anything without pain. That is really the hugest difference to me. Don't get me wrong- life is not a bed of roses every day- I have been mourning food and I am sure that will come back from time to time. I just need to figure out why large quantities of food are so compelling. I mean I always felt horrible afterwards and it never solved anything. I know it was just a way of dulling my mind so I could turn it off occasionally. While I was eating, I didn't have to think about anything- work, life, relationships, pain, anything at all.... I could just taste and be on auto pilot.
I know there are so many reasons to not want to do that- but I have to say it is something I struggle with. I know that I can't eat like that- literally can't do it anymore- but that doesn't make the desire go away automatically.
So for now, I just try to concentrate on how good I feel and how I simply didn't feel like that when I was eating everything I wanted.
1 comment
Prior to the surgery, I couldn't really do anything without pain. That is really the hugest difference to me. Don't get me wrong- life is not a bed of roses every day- I have been mourning food and I am sure that will come back from time to time. I just need to figure out why large quantities of food are so compelling. I mean I always felt horrible afterwards and it never solved anything. I know it was just a way of dulling my mind so I could turn it off occasionally. While I was eating, I didn't have to think about anything- work, life, relationships, pain, anything at all.... I could just taste and be on auto pilot.
I know there are so many reasons to not want to do that- but I have to say it is something I struggle with. I know that I can't eat like that- literally can't do it anymore- but that doesn't make the desire go away automatically.
So for now, I just try to concentrate on how good I feel and how I simply didn't feel like that when I was eating everything I wanted.
First attempt at a Blog
Jul 21, 2010
So I have never been into the whole blogging thing. I just never really felt that anyone would be that interested in what I have to say in a forum like this but I am so incredibly curious about everyone on this website and LOVE reading the posts- that I thought I should stop being a voyeur and actually contribute.
I have been overweight most of my life. I think maybe when I was 3 & 4 I was average. :) I started dieting at age 8. My first was the grapefruit diet. My entire family went on it together. I have these horrible memories of having cottage cheese and eggs for lunch. (Ok now that I have been on full liquids for almost 3 weeks- that sounds great- but as an 8 year old I just wanted peanut butter and jelly). Then when I was about 15 I went on nutrisystem for the first time. I lost like 35 pounds and I weighed around 135 for my junior year of high school. However, compared to the size 0 friends- I was still huge in my mind. When I got to college everything went out the window. Binge eating, plus alcohol!!! I gained way more than the Freshman 10. Probably the Freshman 50. By the end of college I was close to 250lbs. I never really consciously dieted as an adult until I was about 29 and tired of being single and wanted to "get healthy". I had reached probably close to 300 by that point but the only real number I have is 285. So I exercised every morning and afternoon and ate what I researched and lost about 60 pounds. I felt great. I met my ex husband and life was good. But we ate out every day and in three years I was about 330-350( I don't have a real number because I didn't own a scale that measured my weight until I was back closer to 310 and that was after yet another bout with walking and diet.
Then career and life took over and I moved and basically didn't diet at all. Of course I have always hated exercise so that compounded things. When I was 41 I had emergency gall bladder surgery and I think that was the beginning of the end. I gained over 50 pounds in the year following that surgery and I could no longer walk more than about a block at a time. I couldn't exercise even if I wanted to and I just kept seeing the scale get closer and closer to that 400 mark. I NEVER in a million years thought I would let that happen. But when you are eating everything you want whenever you want and you don't exercise- surprisingly you don't lose weight- you gain it.
Then one of my best friends was getting married. I was put in panic mode. I started researching weight loss surgery. Unfortunately there was not an appropriate time between starting this research and the wedding for me to have the procedure. I had to turn down the opportunity to be a bridesmaid for one of my oldest and dearest friends who had always been there for me. I couldn't stand for the length of the ceremony and I didn't want to embarrass myself or the ruin the ceremony. I was able to stand long enough to do a reading. Then I saw the wedding pics.... OMG! What a reality check.
So I continued through the process and now I am 6 days out of surgery. I have felt like a failure at times but I am really working hard to look at it differently. I know there are those who feel like surgery is the "easy way out" but I challenge them to go through this process and say that.
Now I pray that with this new tool and support, I can finally move and have a real life again. This website is a huge inspiration. I love all of your stories and I hope maybe this tells you a little about me.
Peace-
0 comments
I have been overweight most of my life. I think maybe when I was 3 & 4 I was average. :) I started dieting at age 8. My first was the grapefruit diet. My entire family went on it together. I have these horrible memories of having cottage cheese and eggs for lunch. (Ok now that I have been on full liquids for almost 3 weeks- that sounds great- but as an 8 year old I just wanted peanut butter and jelly). Then when I was about 15 I went on nutrisystem for the first time. I lost like 35 pounds and I weighed around 135 for my junior year of high school. However, compared to the size 0 friends- I was still huge in my mind. When I got to college everything went out the window. Binge eating, plus alcohol!!! I gained way more than the Freshman 10. Probably the Freshman 50. By the end of college I was close to 250lbs. I never really consciously dieted as an adult until I was about 29 and tired of being single and wanted to "get healthy". I had reached probably close to 300 by that point but the only real number I have is 285. So I exercised every morning and afternoon and ate what I researched and lost about 60 pounds. I felt great. I met my ex husband and life was good. But we ate out every day and in three years I was about 330-350( I don't have a real number because I didn't own a scale that measured my weight until I was back closer to 310 and that was after yet another bout with walking and diet.
Then career and life took over and I moved and basically didn't diet at all. Of course I have always hated exercise so that compounded things. When I was 41 I had emergency gall bladder surgery and I think that was the beginning of the end. I gained over 50 pounds in the year following that surgery and I could no longer walk more than about a block at a time. I couldn't exercise even if I wanted to and I just kept seeing the scale get closer and closer to that 400 mark. I NEVER in a million years thought I would let that happen. But when you are eating everything you want whenever you want and you don't exercise- surprisingly you don't lose weight- you gain it.
Then one of my best friends was getting married. I was put in panic mode. I started researching weight loss surgery. Unfortunately there was not an appropriate time between starting this research and the wedding for me to have the procedure. I had to turn down the opportunity to be a bridesmaid for one of my oldest and dearest friends who had always been there for me. I couldn't stand for the length of the ceremony and I didn't want to embarrass myself or the ruin the ceremony. I was able to stand long enough to do a reading. Then I saw the wedding pics.... OMG! What a reality check.
So I continued through the process and now I am 6 days out of surgery. I have felt like a failure at times but I am really working hard to look at it differently. I know there are those who feel like surgery is the "easy way out" but I challenge them to go through this process and say that.
Now I pray that with this new tool and support, I can finally move and have a real life again. This website is a huge inspiration. I love all of your stories and I hope maybe this tells you a little about me.
Peace-
