MzDiane

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Hi gang!

      I know, it has been a few minutes since I updated everyone.  Life has seemed to kept moving into the future when all I wanted to do is sit still in the moment.  I've been a horrible steward of my body and spirit, but I suppose that's the way we grieve.  It just doesn't work well with having bariatric surgery.  My vitamin levels are low and I have to get another work-up and if my levels are still low or lower, then I have to have an IV to get them up.  I really can't tell that they are that far off.  I feel fine, just get tired easier than I did even when I just had the surgery.  I'm gonna do better though, I am trying to drag my butt out of my depression.  I just can't take being depressed any more, I don't have any of my vices that I can turn to and that sux big time.  I want to eat, Eat, EAT!!!  Well, I can want all I want to can't I?  LOL!

     It is still so weired to lable myself as a widow.  Every time I say it,  I kind of look around for a spider to come crawling out...haha!  Eh, I still feel married and in love and all that goes along with a 25 year marriage.  I don't think that ever changes, I mean, like ...it isn't like a divorce...you know...like YEAH...WoooHooooo....I'm single...Let's PaRtAy!  Nah, not like that.  I sometimes just want to crawl into a dark corner and fade away, it's like I feel like I have a disease or something.  I didn't ask for this but yet I HAVE to go through it and it pisses me off!  Weird huh?  Yeah, I think so too.

     I still wear my wedding rings on my left finger.  I have been told that I need to move on and I have been told that there is no rule book to dealing with loss.  I mean there are guidelines but each person is different.  Someone may move on in a few weeks, months and find another and fall in love and ...blah, blah , blah.   Some NEVER finds another mate and they are quite happy with that.  I'm not sure where I fit in there.  I am kind of in a gray area, not knowing yet what I want and that kind of makes me want to force food into my mouth.  This is the time I am so so sorry I had this surgery.  I could fall into a pile of fried chicken and become a walking clogged artery again and not regret it.  I have tried, believe me.  It just won't fit anymore.  That pisses me off too!  LOL

     I am trying to pick myself up and get out of this self destructive mode.  I have good days and bad days.  Sometimes I can laugh at a memory we shared and then there are other times I wallow in agony and shreaks of hopelessness, I don't like those times so much.  I am almost postitive I need to go back to my shrink but I think...what the hell can she do for me that my best friend hasn't tried or done?  Eh, who knows...I'll think about it.

     I am so so damn sorry that I am not my usual uplifting, motivational self.  I want to get back to that so much, be patient with me, maybe one day I can be that bouncy ray of hope for all of those that need someone like that to help them make the transition to a better "rest of their lives".  Ok gang, I am going to close this for now and say that....you are important...you do count...do as I say and not as I do!  Hahahahahaha!!  
Peace~


    

     Hello gang.  How has everyone been?  I know that some of you have had surgery, how are y'all?  I know everyone has had success and just beginning the recovery process.  Hang in there kiddos, it's well worth the price of admission to get to the finale.

     I'm still here, even when there are times I wish I wasn't.  The past 5 weeks have been the utmost hardest time in my entire life, and yes, that is even including puberty.  I moved out of the house and back in with my Mother.  I couldn't stay there at our house.  I was grieving myself to death, literally and would have. 
   
  So even thought I am still mourning, I am starting a new, different kind of life.  One that I never would have fathomed myself taking alone but what a great life I had with Kent.  I have learned so much since his passing.  I have witnessed such great blessings and miracles and learned more in 5 weeks than I learned in 25 years.  Life was not always easy, but when it was good, it built memories that will last my lifetime.  OK, that's enough from me for now.  I hope each of you finds a reason to be of light heart and wonderful smiles today!
Peace~

I wanted to come in and just update you all on the loss of my husband.  He passed away suddenly on September 10th.  He got out of bed because of heart burn and was going to eat some tums (warning, I am going to sound angry, I am sure, in the words I am writing and to be honest, besides hurt and despair, I am) because he had been having heart burn pretty bad for about a week.  Despite my pleads and fish fits I threw trying to get him to go to the ER, he wouldn't't go.  He was going to go when his insurance kicked in (he had been out of work 2 yrs since his lay off and just got a job at the beginning of August) I wouldn't be able to keep him out of the doctors.
My husband was a big man, he ate all the wrong things (I can't point fingers at him, hell I had to have surgery to get my weight under control) and it was Coronary Artery Disease that took my Love's life, he was 48 years old and just 7 days shy of his 49th birthday.  Do you all hear and feel me on what I just put in this paragraph??  HE WAS 48...A BIG MAN...DIED OF CORONARY ARTERY DISEASE!!!!!!  So for those that wonder is the surgery worth the risk to get to your goal for your health, YES IT IS...YES YES YES IT IS!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, I have learned so so much in the 11 days since his death but I am not able to sit long enough to share it with anyone but I promise that the next time I am able to sit and write it will be a super testimony to what my wonderful husband has taught me and I wish to share it with you all because you never know, maybe it can help someone else as well.  If anyone would like to copy any part or the whole part of this blog to share with people, you have my permission as you see it here in this blog because I won't be back on for a while.  Please feel free to show people how ignoring our bodies and mistreating it so horribly can cause not just your self, but loved ones such heart wrenching pain.  Pain that can be avoided.  For those that would like to friend me, I am on FaceBook.com and you can find me under Diane McCarty-Tillman.
Gob Bless each of you!
Peace~

     Good morning gang!  How are y'all doing?  I've been on the go, go, go!  I weighed this morning and I am down to 229 lbs.  Woop!!  I've noticed the weight isn't flying off me like it was during the honey moon phase, but that's okay with me because truth be known, if I stopped loosing right now at this moment, this surgery has done everything it was suppose to do for me and more.  I am happy and healthy in mind, body and spirit.  First time ever in my life.  Amazing, I just celebrated my 43rd birthday and for the first time in all my 43 years, I feel so alive and vibrate!  I feel as if I truly just celebrated my birth.  

I want to let everyone know that you can find me on Face Book.  If you don't have a Face Book then get your tails in gear and make you a page.  I'd love to see y'all on there!  So, this is a shorty but I want you all to know that life is here gang, and you are a huge part of it even if you don't think so right now.  So stop wasting time and get out there and LIVE IT!

Peace~

Hello to everyone.  I figured I better get on and update my stats.  I went into Dr. Kim today and am down to 236 lbs.  236.. 236!! I am only 6 pounds away from my first mini-goal I set for myself.  That makes me feel so amazing.  I keep pinching myself to make sure that I have not been in some dream.  Is this real?  Yeah, it is!

I don't have to go back in to see him for another 2 months.  He said I am doing absolutely everything text book.  My rate of weight loss is right on que and  he said that I am looking radiant.  I feel radiant.  I feel confident and dynamic.  My hubby is making me feel so important and beautiful.  If this is the good life, then I can die happy...haha!

I hope this finds each of you reaching inside of yourselves to find that hidden, dynamic and radiant person that you truely are.  Be blessed!!
Peace~

Hello gang!  I've been pre-occupied with life and haven't been posting as I should have.  I feel like crap right now, but even now I feel better than I have in years.  I love it and don't regret a single action I have taken since making the decision to have this life altering surgery.  It has probably been the single thing I have done in my life, for my life.  

I had to spend the last couple of days in the hospital.  I had some serious lower stomach pain.  I thought at first it might be either a bladder infection or kidney stone.  All I know for a fact is that I was in some serious pain and was hating life...LOL.

After a series of tests, the ER doctor came in and asked if I was still in pain.  I was and he said that they would admit me because they didn't find anything in the tests they took.  So, after 4 hours in pain in the ER they FINALLY gave me some pain meds and I sent the hubby on his way home because he had to be to work the next morning.

I have never been one that is too keen on pain meds.  Heck, the day after surgery I was off the pain med pump and off of the liquid meds.  I just can't stand the way that junk makes me feel but let me tell you, I was in some serious pain, I was at them about every 3-4 hours for  dose. 

Finally my doctor came in (well she isn't my usual doctor, mine was on vacation) and told me that I have diverticulitis (sp).  So they sent me home on Flagyl & Cipro.  The pain isn't as bad today but I still don't feel up to par.  I have diarrhea something awful so I am making sure to drink, drink, drink.  They say it should clear up pretty quick.  

I am down to 238 on the scale. Only 8 more pounds and I will have hit my first mini goal.  I am thrilled to say the least!  It still doesn't seem real.  I am still at a stage where I am not sure if this is just a dream that I am going to eventually wake up from.  Heck, if this is a dream, let me sleep the rest of my days because I am living better and more fiercely!  Living fiercely, did I say that?  Yes, yes I did.  Diane is living fiercely!! What a liberating statement!

I have am finding out who I am, what I like and I am doing it PROUD & OUT-LOUD!  Kind of like, "I am woman, hear me roar!"  Ha-ha!  I'm also finding my voice.  I am no longer scared that what I say will run off the only people will ever love me. Nope, I think I am discovering what others knew all along.  I am entitled to my opinions and feelings no matter who likes it or not.  If they walk away, well, then what type of friend or family member were they to begin with?  Certainly not one that I want in my life and I am okay with that.

Well my peeps, I have rambled on long enough.  I hope this finds you, the reader, defining your liberation!  Many blessings your way!
Peace~

Just wanted to let everyone know I posted a blog on wordpress.  Yeah, I usually just copy and paste it here but I just wasn't feeling it this morning...LOL  

Peace~

I probably can't put this in here the way it should be but what I am posting actually belongs to a OH member called Jupiter6 and it was reposted...I am so glad I read this post...someone needed it and so did I.  Thanks girls!!!

"I've had some success-- I suppose I can admit as much at this point, although it feels weird. So now I get a lot of people who PM asking for advice, or saying they look up to me, and flattering though that is, it's silly, because I pretty much just follow the rules (okay, the ones that make sense) and it all comes out in the wash. So I usually don't have much to add when people ask how you get where I have gotten, there's no great mystery: the reason I have been successful in some ways that others have failed I usually pass off as luck.

But that's not entirely true. I just realized it. There actually *is* one more piece, and because I love ya, I am going to share it with you now. Sounds trifling, but it contains volumes.

Here it is: YOU CAN do hard things.

I know, you're saying, "What's your point?"

Sometimes, when faced with a challenge-- especially if you're a recovering addict as so many of us are, when you approach something difficult, your inner voice says, "Holy crap-- I can't DO that"...and you do an about-face-- you reach for the drug (or Ring Ding) of choice. To feel uncomfortable..and not to comfort yourself, is a hard thing --

but you can do hard things.

When it's late and you're tired, and you know you are supposed to walk, you said you would, and it's looking like it might rain-- it's hard as hell to lace those sneakers up and get out there---

but you can do hard things.

Protein shakes can taste yucky. It's hard to remember all those calcium supplements. It's hard to get 64 oz of water in. It's hard to plan meals, buy expensive and healthy choices, stay out of the cake in the lounge at work--

but you can do hard things.

You don't have to self-medicate. You don't have to eat those chips. You don't have to duck and avoid every unpleasant, difficult challenge in your path. Sometimes, the best bet is to admit their existance..."Yes, hard things, I see you trying to get in my way, but you know what? I CAN DO HARD THINGS!"

Sometimes this means having to survive a host of feelings you never felt before because you never let yourself feel them before-- stress, confusion, anger, rage. You can't numb them out or sand off their edges-- you have to stand right in your space and let them have a go at you-- and grit your teeth, and say to yourself, "Go ahead, get in my way. I'll get through this. I can do hard things."

And you will find that you will survive them. And as you survive them, you will face new ones, standing a little taller, because in time you will eventually understand and rely on the fact that you can do hard things. And eventually the "pass me some Ben and Jerry's--my boss is a jackass" response gives way to something new-- something that sounds more like this:

"Go ahead, Boss, bring it on. I'll have that on your desk by five."
"No thanks, Nancy, it's gorgeous but I really can't have an eclair right now."
"I guess I could just park back there and walk."
"It's only 8 ounces and I don't have to love the stuff, I'll just drink it quickly."
"If I spend ten minutes planning now, I won't be faced with tough choices later."

Post RNY living is no joke. It's not easy. It's not fun. It's not all "Whee, I'm a size 6!" Not everyone takes it as badly as I did, but there were days I *literally* cried because a kid at a store could have a cookie and I couldn't. I felt sorry for myself and holed up in my jammies, burning candles, and chatting here to avoid my fridge.

When I started, I could literally not walk further than my car, which is about 100 feet from my door. I bargained with myself that getting down to maybe 250 pounds would be JUST FINE, I didn't need more than that because the thought to ask more from myself was ridiculous, impossible-- who the hell loses 220 pounds? That's not even humanly possible, seriously!

And I found out the answer to who does that : it's ME. *I* can lose 220 pounds-- I know it because I *did* it . I can get in my supplements. I can learn to accept my new, imperfect body. And with planning and management, I can make a post op life that still provides pleasure, joy and fulfillment.

And I don't do those things because they are easy-- I do them because they're hard, but I *can*. I can do hard things.

And so can you. And you will. So the next time it's all too much (and it is for me too, although less often as I grow), look your RNY challenge-- whatever it is--- boldy in the face and say, "I can do this. I can do hard things."

Then pull out all the stops and grab the brass ring-- it's there for the taking!"

Hi gang!  I hope that this post finds all of you ready for your Monday following a great weekend full of hope and great accomplishments!  My weekend was a weird one that will go down in the books for me.  I was told that I was becoming materialistic and fixing to head down the path of destruction like my niece had done.  *thud* 

You see I think I set myself up for this because I hammered into everyone head that should I start to act out of character, or start leaning to the shady part of the street to please slap me and get me back in line.  Which is what I want, but I was more meaning if I should start to show signs of wanting to hang out in bars or start favoring the wrong side of the street then give me the what for.  I did say a few things that after explained to me sounded bad but damn, I was stressed over finances and tired of giving and giving and getting nothing in return. 
So I made a stupid statement a couple of weeks back and said that I didn't care how things were as long as my hubby had a job then I can start treating myself with the things I deserve because I am worth it.  So this weekend at the flea market I bought myself a ring for $15 and my hubby bought me a sewing machine for $20.  Now granted, we just had a yard sale to get rid of crap so he can make it back and forth to work till he starts drawing a check (which didn't go into the money set back for that).  Then I was told that I am becoming materialistic because I could have spent that money on something we need instead of what I wanted.  
To a point she is absolutely right, however, she needs to take into consideration that all I have ever done is sacrifice and give until the only thing left to give to the greater good was my blood and sometimes I even did that.  Now though I have concluded that I am worth more than the way I have treated myself.  I now am not desperate enough to give more than I should as I always have just to make sure someone loved me. 
That's not their fault mind you, that is totally mine and mine alone.  No one ever asked me to do the things I did however, admittedly they never denied what I gave and knew I was doing more than any "normal" person (or they) would do. Funny, if the way I feel about myself now is into the "extreme", what must they have thought when those "extremes" were being bestowed upon them? I think that's a good question. Definitely something I have to ponder further but in the meantime, as long as I am not putting myself into the poor house I am going to continue to put me first and for the FIRST time in my life.  If that makes me materialistic then color me "The Material Girl"!  Have a super day gang!
Peace~

Good Morning!!


I just needed to give y'all a little head's up.  Things are going great for me as far as the surgery goes but I am battling my finances so in an order to cut down on how much month is left at the end of the money, I am sending my computer (which is a rental cause mine pooped out on me) back to the rental store.  It's OK OH Family, sometimes we have to do things that we don't want to particularly do in order to get to our goals.  This is just one of those things and it won't be for long because I can get a computer (refurbished) for one of the payments (or about there) I make on this one.  So no worries, I'll return soon!

Don't forget to journal, that way I can catch up as soon as I get back.  I pray each of you are kept healthy and strong!  Remember to make sure to have a drama free zone, no one can mend and heal their mind, body & soul with a lot of BS happening around them!  I'll miss y'all till I get back!
Peace~