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So.... I am now 163 lbs... Size 12 to 14. Feel fat and defeated. I am trying to get back into exercise, which I totally stopped after stopping with the personal trainer.
I am back with him once a week at his house, as he isn't working for the gym anymore. I have been a paying member at another gym since August but only went once.
I eat the wrong things... I'vebeen grazing a lot... I have a long commute and eat when I drive (out of boredom.) I deserve every pound of this weight gain.
And now... I must get control of it. It's really easy to sink into a  funk and just let it sweep me away into weight gain....
I am trying NOT to let that happen... this weightgain can be worked on. It is manageable. All is not lost.

So............. 10 pairs of size 10 jeans sit in the corner, and I am hoping I can lose the weight and fit back into them by .... let's say August. (Even though in August the last thing I'd want to wear is jeans!)

(sigh)... how could i let this happen? 

So.... I made my goal. I weigh anywhere between 138-142 depending on the day. I do weigh myself almost daily, because I feel its easier to get ahold of 3 or 4 lbs than 10 or 15.

Yes I do eat things I shouldnt.... But... I really try to : stick to the 3 small meals a day, no drinking with the meals, and no bubbly stuff. If I feel I have eaten some no-no's I do some mental calorie counting and try to compensate.

I'm still not exercising, I do need to change that. But I've done 2 walk-a-thons ....so that's progress.

Its funny, I think the weightloss is sorta like peeling off my layers of protection... of defense mechanisms...
My life sux because I'm fat... I'm single because I'm fat... If only I lost weight I would be happy...

wrong. i still have self esteem issues... different than before, yet sorta the same.
i'm still single..............and guess what? it's not because i'm fat... who KNOWS why it is, lol
but..........we can't blame all the ills of the world on being fat.
yes......society totally treats me differently
yes....i get wayyy more attention from men
but......how much of it is weightloss and how much of it is my increased self esteem? (can u imagine how low it was if im staying i still have esteem issues?)

anywayyyyyyyyyyyyyy.... the surgery doesnt fix your head... if you had issues before weightloss surgery, you will have issues after.. and you had better have a support system or a therapist to explore them.
i finally feel like im getting to the bottom of my issues..........obesity was only a detractor, i think.

I am now 143-144 lbs. The goal they set for me was 140... don't know if I will get down to there or not, and to be honest? Don't care. I feel I am at goal. I definitely have loose skin on my belly, hips, and upper thighs which, if removed, would probably be at least another 10 lbs lost. So I think I'm at goal.
I haven't exercised much at all, either. Bad, I know. I am at the 17 month mark and not really "dieting."
I do eat things I shouldn't but I try to keep in mind total calories for the day.
I do try to stick to the 3 meals and one snack per day rule. I stick to the no drinking with meals rule and no carbonated drinks rule.
Carbonated drinks give me a belly ache... I'm sure trapped gas.. and I can see how that might stretch things out.
I can also see how grazing all day long can help creep weight back on.
I am not a size 10... totally unbelievable to me.
My boobs............oh woe is me. They are in sad shape. I don;'t know if I will go for the tummy tuck but I am seriously contemplating breast augmentation. I am a small c now.. and they are like dead weights. like socks with rocks in them when i bend over. YUCK.
I do think I am more insecure naked now than  I was before surgery.
 And dating is strange. I am not an overweight person anymore, but I feel like.... I am hiding under my clothes. I feel like I look GREAT all dressed up, but once you unwrap the package...............OH LORD!
But hopefully at the point the guy is going to undress me, he will be taken with my wit, intelligence and charm (wink wink) so my "looks like i had 12 kids" body won't bother him!
Now I pray on an almost daily basis..... "please Lord... don't let me gain any weight back!"
its amazing and frightening all at the same time!

i start back to work on thursday, and back to school too... ugh!

i am now 158 lbs and a size 12 in most jeans... but if they are petites or low waisted i have to go with the 14's, but i'll take it!

i feel younger than i have in years. my aches and pains are gone.. hair is sprouting back all over.

some days i have no desire to eat and other days i definitely eat the wrong things, but i really try to keep tabs on calories and compensate for any sweets i might eat. (no i dont dump, really)

occasionally i miss carbonated beverages and coronas but then i think of how far ive come.

this really was a life-altering experience. im so grateful for being able to have it done. i want to always remember how far i have come so that the weight doesn't start creeping back on.

im still not very good with the water intake.... and i need to exercise more. my two goals.
i rode 2 roller coasters and flew on an airplane and fit in the seats with no problem. i was sooo pleased!

so now i am  size 14 on the bottom and a large .. probably a 12 on top.. i weigh in at 168 lbs, my lowest weight since i graduated highschool. i think back to my mindset when i was a senior in hs.. i thought i was a HOUSE. i was soo self conscious of my weight. God, if only i knew.

eating: well i tend to really crave chocolate the week before my period. (like this week) so i have been eating peanut m&m's which is bad and a little scary. thankfully most sweet stuff tastes pretty gross to me now, so i dont enjoy many of the forbidden things i might take a taste of, and end up giving it to someone to finish

i still do the 3 meals a day and one snack, usually (when i am not pmsing and craving the chocolate.)

man oh man the amount of food i throw out because i cant finish. when i go out to eat, the server always comes over and looks at me and says kind of hesitantly "is everything...........ok?" i say "yes, i just dont eat all that much can i have this wrapped?"
now that im a size 14 they nod with understanding and take my plate away... but when i was newly post-op and would say "i just dont eat that much" they looked at me like "sure,,, right... lady."
now i guess its a lil more believable lol

i stil have the fear that i will gain weight back, and im not even done losing yet. i have seen sooo many who gain it back.
does anyone else worry like that?

I am currently 175 lbs and have lost 88 lbs. Slow loser, by some people'ss standards, but Im happy with it. As long as the scale keeps going down. I haven't really exercised on a regular basis. 
I did join ballroom dancing classes, took a weeks worth (4  one hour classes) then injured myself in a fall in my bathroom while shaving my legs!

I will rejoin the dance classes this week and start when the new cycle begins next week.

Eating: some days i barely eat anything and other days i make poor choices, but i know that my daily calorie intake is still probably under 1400. i kinda keep an eye on the calories.

what i want to know is... how much food (ounce wise) should i be able to consume at this point? i find some things go down without a problem, others... i get full very quickly or i end up with a pain if i dont chew it up really well.

i am really adhering to the 3 meals a day and one snack... and the no drinking 30 min after a meal. i now understand why u should stop drinking 30 minutes before. drinking totally fills me up. if i dont stop drinking, i won't feel like i can eat.
i still dont have strong feelings of hunger.......just head hunger. and i hope it always stays like that. i know when i need to eat, though. i will start burping.. and i say "Im empty, i need to eat."

this is also the cue to STOP eating. once i start burping, i know i need to call it a wrap.

Hair: still losing it, but not as much. i see a lot of little hairs growing in now. 

Skin: i see excess skin already..... my inner thighs, my belly... my boobs. omg my boobs. they are just gooshie. they arent firm anymore. 
the skin issues .......it is kind of depressing. im thinking i will definitely need plastics. (Sigh)

im still in a size 16 pants, but now they're getting kinda loose. Depends on the make, too. Petite pants seem to run smaller and i have to get an 18P.....and now even THOSE are big. Bottom line, I have to try everythingggg on before I buy and depending on the store, it might fit or it might not.
i wont buy really tight tight pants, i dont want that damn muffin top of jiggly skin that gravitates near the belt line.

its so weird, i feel smaller. i finally feel smaller. things are easier to do. in bed, i can curl up into a smaller ball. shaving my legs and uh other areas is muchhhh easier. i can SEE what im doing now. i cant paint my toenails with ease now.
i can wear high heels for more than 15 minutes. (im up to like an hour now LMAO)
i have to really concentrate on all the positives and not let the loose skin thing get me down. im not going to have the same body I did when I was 16 yrs old. im almost 38. age alone changes thing.... nevermind the extra 123 lbs my body was carrying.

wow, almost  months to the day! 
lets see... i am 191.5, my lowest weight in maybe 15 yrs. i am a size 16 on the bottom (in stretch jeans, i havent tried regular jeans yet) and a size XL in regular sizes on top.

i made 6 months as of 3/4/08. i can eat anything... i did have one dumping episode. i ate 5 mini marshmallows while looking for the shredded wheat at my aunt's house. then when i had the cereal, i think the liquid from the milk made the marshmallows go thru quicker and...........i started to cold sweat... belly started to rumble.. and i ran to the bathroom.

other than that one episode, nothing has affected me as far as sugar. however... i dont like the taste of a lot of it. things taste way too sweet now, so i dont force the issue. i will have a taste so i dont feel deprived, and then i will push it away. my thing is SALT... i love pickles and olives..pretzels, popcorn, potato chips. those r things i have to steer clear. well, the pickles and the olives arent so bad. 

i gave away 4 huge bags of clothing today. i just had to. i am so busy, and for me to figure out what to put in the OH  clothing exchange and to pack it up and mail it? i would never get rid of anything. same with the whole "i'll sell it all on ebay" idea. however, i think i will try to give some of my really nice bras away. each one was like $30... and the goodwill place wont take them. anyone a 40D?

my boobs...........R.I.P..
i was a 40D... now im not really sure what i am... but a 38C bra fits, although the cups runneth over a little. 36D fits too.

my hair: been losing it since christmas time and it is still falling out and i still dont have a bald spot.........but hair definitely thinned out. my ponytail is so thin now... when will it stop? soon, i hope.

will i need a tummy tuck? that remains to be seen. will i get one? who knows. i mean am i having children? do i really want to put myself through a tummy tuck only to get pregnant a year later?

i feel veryyyyyyyyyyyyyy fortunate that i did not have any serious compliations other than a stricture. i have heard more horror stories. im just thanking my lucky stars that this really did work out for me and i feel great.

i just went for my 6 month blood work, we shall see if i am deficient in anything.

so the only thing im really concerned with is making my goal and then gaining weight back. i know quite a few who have gained 20-50 lbs back. 

oh that reminds me, i have to start exercising on a reg basis. HAVE TO!!!

So since the two dilitations, i have had zero problems with food getting stuck. i can tolerate bread, oatmeal, farina, eggs.. all of which got stuck before.. i can tolerate wontons, and rice.. although rice gives me a belly ache, so im thinking i really need to just say "no." 

i am NOT a dumper. i can eat ANYTHING with sugar in it and it does not make me sick. however... most stuff tastes TOOOOO sweet and i dont like it. but i like the fact i can take a taste and decide i dont like it versus looking longingly at it and wishing i could try it.

there are some sugary things i DO like the taste of... weight watchers candies.. i cant have them in the house....
the italian cookies with the jelly inside and the sprinkles and chocolate on one end... i have to stay away from them!

its actually scary that i can eat anything... of course i cant eat anywhere NEAR the amount i was able to eat pre-op. 

i am not getting enough fluids. if i make 40 oz in a day, that is a lot. this continues to be my biggest struggle.
i constantly crave salty things too. ive been on a pickles and olives kick. im pretty sure im retaining water!!

my weight loss has stalled again. ive been anywhere between 214 and 218 for the last 2 weeks. so ive lost  45-49 lbs since september.. which i guess is good. i personally think i am losing slowly.

so.. why am i depressed? the man situation. im sooooo sick of men who don't want any kind of commitment... yet they want all the "benefits" of a commitment. (read: SEX.)
i have been dating this guy,,,and there are a few things that are bothering me. 1) his cell is always turned OFF... he could call me and leave a message.. i can get the message a minute later and call him back and it goes straight to email. i can understand when ur at work, keeping ur phone off. but all the time??? i mean.. maybe he is lying and he has a significant other.
2)i seem to be his last resort plan.... last week he couldnt give me a definite answer if he could hang out on saturday because it was "too early" and he didnt know what was going on yet... saturday rolls around and he calls me.. leaves a voice mail that he is sticking around his neighborhood and hanging with some people. .. fast forward to this week. we spoke several times during the week and i dropped hints about hanging out... i didnt make ANY PLANS for friday or saturday so that i would be free to hang with him. (mind you, i had offers.) so he calls today and leaves a message that he wont be able to get together tomorrow because a friend of his is in town, a "business associate" and he is gonna hang with him... but call him if i go into the city with my friends,cuz maybe we could meet up later. (oh really? for what.... a quickie??)
so i called him back and of course spoke to the voice mail and told him my concerns... how i seem to be PLAN Z.. if all else fails hang with lisa... and if he just wants to have a "hang out once a month and fuck" relationship then we should just say goodbye now because thats just not what im looking for. i also said how i thought it odd his phone was always turned off, and i hoped he didnt have a significant other... and if he did, im not willing to be his little piece of ass on the side.
so..............he will probably blow me off now since i spoke my mind and put my foot down.
im 37 and unable to sustain any successful relationship with a man. wtf is wrong with me? wtf is wrong with THEM???
another christmas alone.

I  tried to copy my MYSPACE blog entry here and onto the message boards and for some reason it didnt work...
ok short version til i feel like typing it all in: i had a stricture... i went to ER of the hospital i had the surgery in and they called Dr. Hottie (Dr. Holover) who came in on Sunday morning and did an endoscopy with dilitation. i had to go back today for a 2nd endoscopy with dilitation. all should be ok now. I HOPE.. 
i wonder............will this come back? hope not. i cant take another damn day off from work!! i have to pay my rent! lol

ive lost 35 lbs to date. a rude coworker of mine said to me "all your pain and suffering and i dont even see a difference in you except for your face which was always thin."
i wanted to kick her!

i dont think i am a dumper, by the way. with the passing of halloween, i had a few tootsie rolls and a reeses peanut butter cup and ..........no reaction. though both tasted sooooooooooo sweet... not as good as i remembered. 

so im going back to work tomorrow (again) and im kinda dreading it.
my surgery was 9/4 and i originally went back to work on 9/17 thinking i was returning to the job i had posted for and had gotten back in june: resource room teacher. resource room is in many ways a much less demanding position than classroom teacher. u are working in small groups and you have a schedule that YOU make up. so i went back 13 days post op thinking this is what i would be doing.
WRONG... my position had been eliminated due to lower # of resource room students. the one remaining resource room teacher ws supposed to retire in june but didnt..has a gazillion yrs there, so.........she gets the position and i get screwed.
what they did with me was stick me in an at risk 3rd grade classroom to cover for a teacher who would be out til 10/5. I worked 3 days... called in sick that thursday from dehydration and just sheer exhaustion.. worked friday and over the weekend... i thought i am just not going to survive if i dont take more time off. 
i hadnt yet had a good grasp on the eating and drinking and protein supplements.. i was dehydrating fast. and its difficult to be teaching all day and remembering to sip.
so...that monday i called in and said i wouldnt be back until 10/9. got a note from surgeon's office faxed over to them.
now.......that friday, my principal told me she would use me as a 3rd grade academic intervention teacher..that they had 3 different new programs they want to utilize.
................i know how it goes though.. what will really happen is this: i will walk in every morning look up at the board and see that i am covering for so and so who called in sick. (we dont have substitutes...no one want to come to the neighborhood i work in... so often classes are split up when a teacher is out. OR they use in house staff as substitutes.) wouldn't be totally horrible except... i fear them putting me in the upper grades (6,7,8) the kids treat out of classroom teachers like garbage.. the one year i taught library i cannot tell you how often i was called a white fat bitch or some other abusive comment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~there are also several pregnant teachers.. so i know ultimately i will be stuck in one of those classrooms during the leave. so basically i will be a highly paid subsitute who has 11 yrs teaching experience.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~im just venting... i know im not going to sleep tonight. im worried i wont drink enough. i know this is something i have no control over and i just need to LET GO and be thankful i have a job.
there's always next year.........for me to get the resource position. its at times like this that i so wish i still have an office job. so much more personal freedom. drink when u need to, go to the bathroom when u have to.
(sigh) thanks for reading!