Nicole R.

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Well my weight keeps fluctuating and I'm feeling stiff and non-agile.  I have not missed a work out and am sticking by my 800 calorie per day rule.  I just keep flexing between 239 and 240.  That's been a week now and it's getting old.  It's not easy watching everyone eat like I used to and it's OK.  I'm working so hard-yet I'm beginning to fear my worst fears. That I actually stuck like this...  I can't imagine that I haven't lost this week at all.  I guess this is plateau land and it's not a fun place to be.  

I am hoping by next week this time I start to see some poundage results.  I saw my mom yesterday for the first time since I started to diet and she was unimpressed.  As always she pulls through for another punch to my weight management issues.  Yeah mom, I remember "too bad you are fat- let's eat some cake. "   I keep fighting to give myself and family a better future with a better me.  

Let's hang in there Nicole.  

Went with the kids to Dorney.  Thank God for Subway.  I had a great salad.  I was tempted by all the treats- some of my favorites.  Ice cream, Cinnobun and Starbucks frappe.  Asked how many calories were in a Cinnabun drink.  410!!!!  I can;t imagine how many the actual bun has.  They looked great coated and dripping in icing, but I know how good it felt to actually walk around the park not getting out of breath even once.  It's just not worth it.  

t's late for this early bird.  

Well my new program is coming along.  Two visits to the gym went really well.  I have to say I need the break between visits but it feels great to get out and be active.  Some of the people I have talked to say some skeptical things which is discouraging, but things are coming along well.  I'm getting used to not eating like other folks, but I have to accept that I can't.  Up to this afternoon, I have had a ton of energy but today I feel like I hit a wall.  Not sure that the deal is there. I'll have to see how tomorrow's workout makes me feel then we will see if I need to make changes.  

Down to a 2X already.  Can't wait till I have no X size.  Seems like a million miles away...  Thus another protein shake for me. 

So far, so good.  Feel pretty good.  The appetite suppressants are helping.  I try to wait until I am hungry, then take one.  

Ate a salad for dinner last night with some turkey.  It definitely helps to stay away from food most of the day.  And it helps to know I will have one small and low cal meal a day.  The shakes taste much better than I remember them.  

Best part is 4 pounds down in 2 days!  Already pants are a little better fitting.  

After my emotional breakdown the other night, I knew it was time for me to get serious by myself.  No one is going to do this for me and no one in the medical field is going to come to my rescue either.  So I mentally went through my arsenal of all the things I tried at and failed and what worked.  The only time I lost significant weight was doing 10 weeks of all liquid Optifast in 1990.  I lost 52 pounds in ten weeks!  But I ended up with a bleeding stomach ulcer and was pulled off the program early and told to go back to eating "normally" as I did before the program.  The weight stayed off for a while.  Most of it for several years.  Then I met my now ex husband.  My self-esteem plummeted and I gained and gained.  

I am sure that it did not help my metabolism to do this drastic system.  Then it occurred to me that my Optifast diet was not so unlike what I would be doing after surgery.  So if I could be a non participant in food except for maybe one treat a day (like a slice of cheese or a yogurt), then why do I need surgery.  If I follow that program on my own, I could have drastic weight loss and not go under the surgery.  Additionally, I can stop throwing up.  All liquid equals no vomiting! 

So I went to GNC bought some protein powder and started yesterday.  I added an appetite suppressant to help when I get desperate.  And since my ulcer scare with Optifast, I have been taking stomach meds, so that should not be an issue this time.  I had some strange body sensations.  Warmth on random parts of my body and of course I was a little wifty last night, but I know this will pass.  Coached my kids softball game last night and we have another tonight, so that will be my "exercise."  Then my hubby has decided to buy me a new bike.  (Significant for many personal reasons.)  So that will be my primary new exercise until I can do more.  Walking second choice and there is always that treadmill in the basement.  It's mildew- ridden down there, but it's better than sitting on my behind. 

So weigh in's are weekly.  Three protein drinks a day and something solid and low cal for dinner with the family.  That's it.  The first weigh in is next Tuesday,  

These entries are for me.  So to me- good luck!  Let's do this. 

Well, I got the call and I was denied.  Apparently unless the actual device fails or there are life threatening reasons to not have the band, I will have it till I die.  So instead of all the goals I set for myself, I now have to face a life of throwing up every day, never sitting on my husbands lap, never getting a 1 in my size or weight.  Never being able to eat without feeling like every bite is another pound to my years lost from my life.  

How can a company refuse you the medical help you need to avoid twenty other ones that will just cost them more?  I don't know what to say or think.  I have been robbed.  I have been on the short end yet again in my life.  

Meagan said they will have the doctor call the doctor at the insurance company, but they said it all depends on who talks to who.   I can't begin to say how depressing this is.  I want this damn thing out of me, but no one is going to do it.  

I got a letter in the mail from the insurance company on Saturday which said they needed clinical information to process my claim and they would finalize their decision within two business days after they receive the information.  LOL!  I don't think they do anything at the insurance company in 2 days, but I am impressed I got some correspondence so soon.  

So I called the surgeon's office and Meagn, the most patient woman ever, says that the letter is routine.  She said all soon as she gets approval, she'll call me. So, I feel like I'm getting closer.   But we are not there yet.   

It's funny, but I am so ready for this change.  Eating less and not being hungry sounds so good.  No throwing up daily sounds so good.  Feeling like I have energy sounds good.  Getting on my feet every morning without joint pain sounds good.   I am ready to not be upset every time I put a bite in my mouth.  I feel guilty eating anything. After all the failed attempts I know every bite will lead to gain and more guilt.  It will be good to be back in control and know the little I eat will be for the good of my body and for nourishment, not to get something to go down without throwing up.  I am eager to have a body that lets me exercise without joint pain and that clumsy feeling.  

Another day closer to getting an answer.  

I'm waiting for the phone to ring.  Praying for approval.  Hubby is getting anxious for me to get to go ahead, so I can relax a bit  I'm afraid of starting to exercise or eat "too well" because what if they decline my surgery and my weight falls too low.  Then I check myself and think, yeah, like that's going to happen.  It hasn't happened all this time with a band and my best efforts.  Go figure.  Our brains work in strange ways. 

Today, I got the word that all the records necessary were faxed to my new surgeon.  After two months they should be!  So I have been told the filed will be submitted for approval today to insurance.   They said I could get an answer within a week or two.  So now, I have to start praying for the insurance gods to smile on me.  (I don't actually believe in an insurance god, but I am pretty sure there are no patron saints of insurance!LOL)  

Hopefully my next blog post will be good news.  

So I call the Hazleton General Hospital patient advocate today who initially assures me that my remaining records have been sent.  Then he asked if I would feel better if he confirms that with records.  Of course, I say, "yes please do that and call me back."  Minutes later I get a call from records that i they were not sent and they don't know how to get them.  I am just missing dietary records an my psyche evaluation.  So she says, "Dr. Soel's sent all of his records."  I asked who that was as he did not do my surgery.  Oh, he's one of the other doctor's here and I don't know why his name is on your file.  OMG!   So she says she'll do her best to see they get out sometime at the end of next week and then asks if that will be OK.  Of course I told her no.  I started trying to get my medical records on April 2 and now they are putting me off another week.  

So I call back the patient advocate and leave him a message.  Within minutes I get a call from a third party organization that handles their medical records.  She tells me it's the fault of the hospital I am transferring to because they didn't explicitly ask for them.   I don't really care whose fault it is, but with all the issues in Hazleton, I have trouble believing that they are not the problem.  So, now they are supposed to be faxed today.  We will see....  

I just want to get the approval on the way so I can get my surgery in the summer when I don't have to take time off.  

Praying insurance approves...