Nina1119

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It was dramatic, for the first time, the nurse that was weighing me put the large weight on 150!, Not 200.  I stood there, had to absorb it in my head, I moved around a little, making sure it wasn't a a mistake.   It has been so long!  I was in high school last time I was under 200.  I actually teared up and hugged the nurse.   It's 199, but I'm under 200!  Life is good and I thank God for it!!  110 down and 49 pounds to go. 

I'm not done yet, but thanks to the grace of God, I'm 2/3 of the way!  Never did I think that I would come this far.  Just a year ago, I was telling myself, this is my last car, my last job, I was waiting to die.  Then reality hit,  I lost a cousin who was only 1 year older than I and she died of a heart attack, obese like me.  I could see my future.  But by the grace of God, I was able to put a plan into place to save my life.  God lead me out of the darkness to a safe, reputable surgeon.  I had to take the chance to make a new life for myself.   It was scared, but not as scarrey as what the future had to hold for me if I didn't change things and quick.  Today, I can move much easier, my kidney disease is actually improving, I feel like a regular person, I'm not stared at when I go out in public.  I'm like a normal person, I don't stick out as the fattest person in the room anymore.  My life has improved immensely.  I've been able to stop my anti-depressive medication (after 21 years of taking it), I stopped my 4 daily insulin injections and only use oral medication when needed.  I'm told that after you've been on insulin for so many years, its really hard for your body to adjust to being off the insulin.  I can now exercise without hurting myself and that too helps keep my blood sugars low.  Thank you ,Lord Jesus Christ for showing me the way to improve my life!

My stomach has really changed.  I used to like spicy food and now my sleeve is sensitive to spices, peppers and onions.  I enjoy bananas, peanut butter, beef jerky, but still have a hard time with white chicken meat.  So I usually have a chicken thigh instead.  I really like beans, didn't really care for them before, but now they are satisfying and my stomach doesn't object.  Its been almost 6 mos. since my surgery and I have lost 91 pounds.  Its hard to wrap my head around that.  I love that I can move around easier, fit into so many clothes, and bend and reach without much effort.  I can care for myself without much effort too.  I actually look in the mirror now instead of avoiding it.  I do have a lot of loose skin and I'm looking older, my 13 month old nephew even grabs at the skin (my turkey neck).  That's actually a first. I used to have such a fat face, it was puffed all the way down to my chest, no real neck.  I hope my body will tighten up a bit, but I can see the necessity for plastic surgery. 

I'm a week shy of six months, I really hoped that I would be at the 100 pound mark.  But I'm close.  Sometimes I feel like I'm dreaming it all and I'm going to wake up and be my fat self again.  I have weird dreams about drinking pepsi and in my dream, I am panicking because I'm breaking the rules!  I had a dream about eating potato chips and woke myself up.  I guess old habits live on in my dreams, but not in my reality.  This weight loss, is oh too good!!!  I need to focus and keep losing while my window of opportunity is here. 

My surgeon thinks my goal should be 180 pounds, since I have never been under 200 pounds as an adult person.  I am at 218 now, and I think that I could go even lower.  My personal goal is 150, I hope that is attainable for me.  Time will tell.  I can see how the excess skins really becomes a factor.  I hope you are doing well. 

It's been a while since my last blog.  The holidays are over and I got through them without much of a problem,  I am proud to say, that I had surgery 14 weeks ago and I am down 75.5 pounds.  It's been elating, something I couldn't have done myself without my sleeve.  I would play these mind games with myself and I'd only fall back on old habits.  I've stayed away from carbs.  I don't even miss them anymore.  I can eat just about anywhere, I just take the bread off and keep the protein, eliminate any dressing or sauce, and I love my homemade vegetable soup. Everyone notices and I get embarrassed sometimes by the fuss some people make.  Especially those who haven't seen in a while.  Bending, walking, breathing, sleeping and just moving around is so much easier.  I'm getting rid of clothes right and left.  I'm buying clothes off craigslist to keep my expenses down.  I'm met some really nice people that way. 

We had a super bowl party and I cooked and went outside to play with the kids.  The other adults ate until their bellies ached.  Not me, I didn't even touch all the chips, dips, burgers, hot dogs, nachos, and the beer and shots being passed around.  Instead, I enjoyed the company of my 4 and 10 month old nephews.  I have no regrets in having this surgery, just wish I could have had it sooner! 

For anyone considering the surgery, it's no miracle- only a tool, that works as long as you have the proper mind set. There is a lot of learning about yourself and reworking your connection to food.  I know most of you have heard this many times, the difference is I know this about myself for the first time in my life.  I'm going to succeed this time.  Unlike all the other hundreds of times  Born fat, lived fat for 50+ years, now it's my time to be a healthy weight for the first time in my life.  I can see my goal being a reality rather soon.  Praise God, he has held my hand through it all. 

Good Morning.  Today is my weekly weigh-in at my surgeon's office.  For the second week in a row, I have lost 1.5 pounds.  I equate this to my "stall".  I am 5 weeks out and my weight loss has been pretty good until week 4.  Not quite a stall, but a slow down.  I attribute it to the fact that my body remembers being at this weight for a very long time (10 years).  I am at a "comfortable and memorable" weight for my body.  I know I will continue to lose, but my body remembers!

So I'm going to turn it up my activity level to get over this "bump" in the road.  I hope you are all well.  I've got a pile of pants to hem (a friend passed down pants from size 18-28) to me when she lost a bunch of weight.  She however is 6 inches taller than I am.  I'm digging out tops that I've had for years for "when I lose weight", I'm hoping they are not too out of style.  Maybe they've come back into style by now.  I've been saving clothes for a long time.   

Although, I didn't set out to cook this Thanksgiving, I felt bad for my family.  How could I make them "buy" a thanksgiving dinner?  I baked, cooked and sauted some really delicious food, barely taping my finger in the spoon to check for saltiness.  In the old days, I would have had a meal while prepping the meal!  I was tired so when we sat to eat, I served myself 2 oz of turkey, a teaspoon of Cranberry sauce, 1 tbsp green bean casserole and 1/2 a brussel sprout.  That was it.  The turkey took a while it kind of felt like it was stuck, but it finally went down.  I was amazed I was full.  Then it was time for dessert.  I had a tsp. of pumpkin pie filling and a tsp. of apples from the apple pie.  That was enough.  I got the taste and didn't want to risk getting sick.  I was really amazed.  

Everyone else stuffed themselves and then fell asleep on the couch watching football.  I felt great!  I really did enjoy visiting with everyone and watching them enjoy my dishes I prepared.  It was a totally different experience, not to have the food control me.  There is freedom in that.  

I celebrated my birthday a couple of days ago.  My family was at-a-loss for how to celebrate!  Our celebrations have always centered around FOOD.  This year, I focused on all the lovely messages (on FB), calls from family and friends, and well wishes and hugs.  What a difference.  I did go to PF Changs with my son, where I had a small bowl of wonton soup, I just removed the noodle from the wonton and the broth and vegetables were yummy.  No cake, no dessert.  My son gave me a SF Jello when we got home, and I didn't eat it.  My appetite has really diminished.  I am having to look at eating cautiously, first, is it on my plan for the week?  Look to see how much protein, sodium and calories are involved.  Then I have to make sure I haven't had anything to drink in the past 20-30 minutes before I give it a try.  There is a lot of planning before it goes into my mouth.  Then in two-three bites I'm full.  My head wants more, but my stomach rules.  I pause between bites, talk, talk, talk, and then another bite.  The weight loss is going well.  I haven't hit the three week stall (knock on wood), I know it will come soon, though.  I do worry about getting all the protein required in.  It seems like so much, but the doctors know best.  This girl is in uncharted territory (at least for me it is).  Here's to the years that I'm adding to my life with my fantastic gift, my SLEEVE!

I celebrated my birthday a couple of days ago.  My family was at-a-loss for how to celebrate!  Our celebrations have always centered around FOOD.  This year, I focused on all the lovely messages (on FB), calls from family and friends, and well wishes and hugs.  What a difference.  I did go to PF Changs with my son, where I had a small bowl of wonton soup, I just removed the noodle from the wonton and the broth and vegetables were yummy.  No cake, no dessert.  My son gave me a SF Jello when we got home, and I didn't eat it.  My appetite has really diminished.  I am having to look at eating cautiously, first, is it on my plan for the week?  Look to see how much protein, sodium and calories are involved.  Then I have to make sure I haven't had anything to drink in the past 20-30 minutes before I give it a try.  There is a lot of planning before it goes into my mouth.  Then in two-three bites I'm full.  My head wants more, but my stomach rules.  I pause between bites, talk, talk, talk, and then another bite.  The weight loss is going well.  I haven't hit the three week stall (knock on wood), I know it will come soon, though.  I do worry about getting all the protein required in.  It seems like so much, but the doctors know best.  This girl is in uncharted territory (at least for me it is).  Here to the years that I'm adding to my life with my fantastic gift, my SLEEVE!

Since I am rarely hungry, I only eat to try to get my protein requirements in for the day.  I am on the mushy phase of the journey, eating very little before I have to stop, almost always leaving food on my plate, a first for me!  I always cleaned the plate (when eating out) or got up for seconds at home.  It really takes a while to eat, I put a very small amount on my spoon, chew the heck out of it and swallow, then I wait to see how it feels.  So slow the temperate of the food changes.  My relationship with food has changed.  Its been a love hate relationship.  I tried refried beans from Taco Bell, and at first bite I was so happy to have something savory.  I couldn't handle the sauce they put in it.  Next time I will order it without the sauce and cheese.  That said, I only at about 1/2 of the portion served and that was enough for me.  This morning I am having two tablespoons of LF Cottage Cheese for breakfast.  My head is still trying to catch up to the changes.  I am looking for a support group in the Riverside, CA  area.  I haven't been able to locate one without having to drive a long distance.  Hope you are all doing well.  Drop me a line. 

This isn't called a journey for nothing!  I've been to so many places in my mind.  I've experienced so many emotions and I can see my prior life as a train wreck.  I'm overcoming the detox and the emotional bond to food, but it's one baby step at a time.  The demons that I have been keeping underwraps have all reared their ugly selves and I've had to deal with them without Food to hide behind and anethietize myself.  Its as it I'm sober for the first time in a very long time.  I, of course do not drink alcohol but I have used food in the same fashion as an alcoholic or drug abuser.  I owe my body and soul to get over this and make amends.  I'm so edgy and I get angry and I voice it.  Never did before, I was always the one in the back, the easy going one with no real opinion, because I was under the influence of food and as long as I had that the world could walk over me.  I see myself in the reconstruction phase of my life.