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I have been away for a while! My mom passed away in June , and I was in cocoa Florida taking care of her for the past couple of months! I so miss her! And cancer is a BITCH!

i took care of her 24 / 7. my sister and niece lived with mom, but my sister was taking a class and working so i took my (fmla) and took charge of her appt. , her needs etc... and cooking and cleaning for them all. i lost 5 pounds my first week there! i was getting up super early to walk in the morning before my sister would leave to work , so i would rush back and shower too, because mom could not be left unattended, her ability to walk was declining and she needed assistance for her bathing and tolieting . I was exhausted, more than what i realized at the time, i would sleep outside her room with a baby monitor on incase she needed to go to the bathroom at night. then to see this strong woman deteriorate in front of me was grueling! I was so scared of being left alone with her, afraid she would pass away and I might  be alone with her when it happened. But God was so good, to us all!!

We celebrated her birthday, Mother's Day, my sisters graduation, Memorial Day weekend ( with the whole family together, even her baby sister from Puerto Rico came). I had called it a "celebration of life", her health was in serious decline already, but immediately following that weekend, she truly was losing ground! She passed away 3 days later, with all of us ( siblings , my family and close friends) around her bedside. We never lost a minute to let her know we were there and letting her know we loved her! I remember telling my children to come back up after Memorial Day weekend because we knew she would be leaving us. I told them that to be present with someone who was dying was truly to be in the presence of God. And the morning she passed we were around her bed praying and telling her we would be okay, and giving her the permission to move on.

my husband was wonderful! He would drive up every Friday evening and stay the weekend with me. The sofa bed was horrible, so we would place the mattress on the floor (lol)!  He was my little life saver, my soft spot! ! I could cry in front of him so comfortably. After a while I would cry with the nurses and social worker , I felt safe to release it in front of them. I couldn't keep up the pace to continue to get up early for my walks and my needs had to be put on the back burner, Something I would do all over again! But I had to be strong in front of mom. 

At moms funeral we released 124 butterflies! So many people came, cousins I grew up with that I had not seen in over 30 years,were there! It was beautiful! We just continued to celebrate her life ! I spoke at the service. And my kids and husband were so amazed how well I did. My 2 siblings ( my sister who lived with her for the last 13 yrs. and my brother who lives closes by to moms) had a difficult time. But because I was so present with the day in and day out stuff, I was better prepared. My relatives would come and speak to me about her care because my siblings were so in denial. 

Anyway, here is what I said at her service:

" Thank you all for coming today My mother did not want a memorial service, 

But we felt that we couldn't do that, 

We know how many people our mother had touched And we wanted to share and celebrate her life with everyone who loved her   Many of you didn't know moms health situation. And being the "mother" that she was, she just wanted to Protect you, Mom would be on the phone daily with her sister , our titi Margo who Was also dying, but mom never let on that about her own health battle! She didn't even tell her baby sister!  But we circumnavigated around her and let titi know.   She did not want any pity, or negativitey around her Martinez women are strong and stuborn that way! And my mother was certainly that! When ever doctor, dr. castro or any of the  nurses would ask mom if she had any pain the answer was always "no"! When she took a few spills she didn't want to worry her Handsome cute and, oh by the way Puerto Rican doctor! In  fact she would dress extra special and made sure to put on her special Expensive perfume, just for him! And make him serenata!   

The last few months mom and I had many special times together We talked about life's ups and downs And it struck me that mom definitely knew  that when life gives you lemons You make lemonade! I remember telling mom Oh I loved when you would make arroz con leche ( rice with milk) And she laughed and said " really? Mija that was because we were poor and struggling! But as a child we never knew it!   Mom was all about making memories! From our camping trips to parties and many wonderful family vacations and many parties Did I say parties? Mom and dad loved a good party! And party or no party mom always made people feel welcomed When ever I would come home the phone as always ringing and there was always food on the stove, just incase someone stopped by! Because Marta, Mari or cookie ( Juan) may want to eat   

And the last few months we made some new ones With our family and friends  Mom was there for Rickys and Tinas birthday when I sky dived for my 50th birthday She supervised Ricky taking over the thanks giving and Christmas preparations Eli going to the homecoming dance ( and seeing how we all came down and had uncle ricky and uncle bob check out a few of these boys  who had shown interest in Eli )  It gave her comfort, she needed to know we could do her job! Mom was there for Jelas birthday and Jelas graduation She was so proud of Jela!   We made new memories to share with our own children Moms birthday we released butterflies Mother's Day we had a pajama party ( that's the picture of Jela mom and I dressed alike) The boys and the grand children had a honey do list while we went out for Manis and pedis, and of course shopping When we came back we all surprised everyone by wearing these  Really cute pajamas! Everyone laughed and that night we sat around the Living room looking at the old pictures and sharing stories It didn't end there of course, we recently celebrated "life" on Memorial Day! There was song and laughter and of course good food!  

Mom was a woman of faith! and God helped me through this last year and certainly these last few months. shortly after my father passed away i had had a Dream In that dream my abuela ( my dads mother) had come to me  In a dream. My abuela wanted my mother to come and join her and my dad And I remember in the dream telling my abuela "No it's not her time"  My grand mother folder her arms and turned away from me upset   Then about in August I had another dream That we all went to Spain! Bob Tina bobby my sister brother  and even my brother inlaw! I realized in the dream that I didn't have any clothes no suit case, nothing! I went to my husband and told him,"Bob I forgot to bring clothes", he reassured it it was ok because he didn't bring anything either. Then I asked my sister if she brought anything to wear and she also replied " no".  But when I saw my mother and father they had their suit cases . They had  Prepared for this journey!   Mom was ready for her journey She had us all around her bedside and  we told her we loved her and that  it was okay to leave And she did! She was ready for this new journey!".    

When I finally went back to my own home, I had a lot to do! I was given a new classroom with new children for the summer! and then I had my own house to get back in order. My poor plants were dead! One particular day I was walking up the walk way  and I saw my wretched plant, the original plant had died and I had this odd stick of a weed growing in the pot. I was telling myself how I really needed to throw out the plant. But as I got closer to it,I actually saw a caterpillar on it! Actually it was more like 3 caterpillars! My daughter had just gotten home from work, and asked what I was looking at. I showed her the 3 caterpillars. She examined it and said, " no mom, you don't have 3 caterpillars, you have..." She started counting, I had 13 caterpillars!!!!! Turns out that odd stick was a "milkweed" plant! And monarch butterflies will only lay their eggs on a milkweed! In fact, if the caterpillars eat any other plant that is not milkweed, they will die! I have since released 15 butterflies!!!!!   ****oh and all caterpillars do is eat and shit!!!!! They ate up the milkweed so much that they left me with bare branches and we had to rush out and purchase more milkweed , like 6 more plants!!!!  

And my friend from work wanted to gift me with a living memorial, a "butterfly garden"! There are no coincidences! She purchased and layed out my garden! I will have to post the pictures! It's absolutely beautiful!  

anyway, I am back. I went for a "fill" last week, after I waited to see if it was true hunger or  Emotional eating. I asked my doctors PA when was the last time I had a "fill", turns out it was march of 2012!!!!!!! So part was truly that I needed a "fill", and the other was emotional eating. So I believe I am ready to detox yet again!!!!!   I was just at my moms house this weekend seeing my siblings, and my moms oldest sister had a heart attack this past Friday, so we drove 1 1/2 hours to Ocala from cocoa to see her. Thankfully she was doing well, we reminaninced, it was nice!!!! My mom came from a family of 10! And now there are just 2 left, they all passed away from one form of cancer or another!    

it has been bitter sweet to be back! But it is time to get back up and dust  myself off.

  I just needed to share, prek3 carmen    

jjjhhhhhhhhekxjnxnxnxnnxhellloooo

I had seen Dr. Bass' PA on December 3 rd, 2012 when I passed on getting a FILL, and told Christine it was emotional eating. Well for accountability purposes I scheduled another appt. with her for Dec 27 th, I went and I had lost 3 pounds! Yeah me!!!!! I scheduled another appt. for January 24 th, 2013.

This is what 1 pound of Fat looks like!!!!

so I lost 3 of these bad babies;

I began to change up my eating more so, I eat very clean already but began designating that at least one of my meals everyday be plant based. No animal protein for the one meal. I am so excited about this, and have been very satisfied! Lovin my quinoa and chick peas over spinach!!!!

 I also had begun to change up my exercise routine a  bit. I have added and substituted some of my workouts with spinning and kick boxing classes! And I am loving these classes!!! This is a BIG deal for me as I LOVE my outdoor walking routine, and it was walking that really got my weight loss moving when I was post op. My walking time has improved back to the 15 minute miles!!!!! I am so thrilled with this development! I did 6 miles New Years eve in the morning and today I did 5 miles! Usually I do my longer walks over the weekend, but with the long weekend I needed extra accountability incase I messed up that day. But, I did FANTASTIC with my food choices after all!

And the OTHER wonderful results? Fitting into more of my outfits that had felt uncomfortably snug!!! amazing what 3 lil pounds can do for ones clothes!!!

Its gonna be a great year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I went to Soma Saturday figured I would buy my sister those "coolnights" pajamas since she gets those terrible hot flashes!!!!!!!!!! Got her a cute set, ya ta ya ta!!!!

Hubby was with me, and it always seems as if anytime we enter  a lingerie store, he gets friskier and VERY generous!!!!!!So I scored some new pretty PANTIES!!! But I never bought panties there before. So, I  asked the young girl for help, she looked at me oddly, but gladly assisted me! She looked at me, told me to turn around, and said, ..."you are tiny, I say a MEDIUM." Then she showed me another display table and, when she picked up a pair for me to see, she immediately put it back down and said, "Oh, you don't need these, these are the tummy control ones, lets look over here...".

. WHAT???? I don't NEED those? What? I am "tiny"? Boy did I need that this week!!!!!! I left with my purtty panties, and a BIG  shitting grin!  So glad I got that lower body lift last year!!!!!!!

Thanks for letting me brag & boast!

I called last week to get in with my Lap Band dr. I was telling myself, if I felt that it was just emotional eating, that I would cancell in the morning (they usually get so busy, me needing to cancel would be no biggie). Over  the weekend, I knew that my gain is not from me needing a FILL, I didn't need an adjustment, what I needed was a head adjustment! I had been grazing and taking in liquid calories. A FILL was NOT my answer to that.

The assistant came in (she is the one who usually does my FILLS), and I told her immediately, "I DO NOT NEED A FILL". She smiled and looked at me. I didn't give her a chance to look at my information, I told her I had gained and I was here to be honest and accountable. But that I couldn't move on until I could let her know what I was doing. It was a, "Bless me Father I have sinned"...moment.

Yes, I have had a lot of personal things going on in my life, especially in the last few months. I could blame those situations and have a "pitty party" for allowing my bad habits that were creeping back in. BUT, if the truth be told, its life happening, and there will always be "something" going on, but I can't let it rule over me, I can't give away my power to FOOD!  And I think, we sooooo often want to pass it off, and say " I deserve to have that starbucks", or "it's only one cracker", but, thats the problem, addiction is addiction, and like someone posted on the boards the other day, ya can't be a " lil pregnant", and I can't be  a little addicted, I just am. So, I have to be mindful. Just like a crack addict, or an alcoholic. Its on going, plain and simple, period!

I feel so much better. I schedualed another appointment for Dec 27th, not for a FILL, but the accountability. Yes I have to pay, but, I need to stay honest at this time and point in my life. Its cheaper and easier than trying to lose more additional weight. That is affecting my mind. A couple of aches and pains have come with the weight gain, and that was a huge part that was the purpose to having this WLS.

Anyway, I came back to the boards  to be honest and accountable. Thats why I am here today again, I needed to put it out there. Thanks for allowing me to vent.

prek3

Wow I survived THANKS GIVING!!! I had a wonderful time with my family! Which is normal, but, I did not stray with my eating, yes I had some treats, but, nothing that caused me guilt or shame, all pretty much "clean eating" !

I am soooo THANKFUL for my wonderful family, my wonderful health and what an absolutely wonderful surgery! Everyone who ever has had WLS always says, "I wished I had had this surgery sooner!", and I just can't think and feel  that enough. There are so many things I can enjoy and do now! I didn't allow myself to do and participate in life so much, as I do now. Soooo much low self esteem, and worrying about embarrassing my loved ones, that I even took so much away from them and what they would have liked to have done, but , they didn't, because I felt so lowly about myself. So much waisted time! I have also learned so much about myself, the good, the bad and the UGLY. I would like to believe I have become a more compassionate person as a result of this WL journey. You can't have had this journey with out it changing you, again, bad or good change. Cause we all go through that self absorbed phase too, and that can be pretty boring and frustrating to our loved ones.

 While I was away,  I purposed to walk 4 miles everyday! I was out out the door by 7 a.m. or a little bit earlier. And 3 of the days I actually did my 4 miles under an hour!!!! It was very cold for Florida standards!!! Some mornings it was 45 degrees! I made sure to bundle up, and soooo surprised myself with my time! My relatives are use to me visiting and exercising in the morning, so, it was nice to hear everyone telling my Mom, "you know she has to go for her walk Mom". Mom thought I would sleep in with the colder weather, but, it was sooooo invigorating and really kept me from stressing through out the day.

I am predicting a great December ahead of me!!!!!

Yes, enough wine drinking to celebrate my 50 th!! It comes to an end today! Last week we had a few toasts, and this weekend was about the same! Its ok to celebrate, BUT, I really must celebrate with out the drinking!!!! Last week deep down I was dissappointed that the skydive was cancelled due to the hurricane, so I felt I deserved the wine a bit more than just 1  glass of wine. I totally understand why our WLS dr. want us to steer clear of it. You really become uninhibited (duh) , and I find it really opens up my appetiate (sp?) alot! The buzz is nice, but the hummmmm is problematic! Not to mention the sugar!!!!! Besides, skydiving with a hot Italian hottie is it's own celebration!

I came across this image on Pinterest!

This is what 1 pound of FAT looks like!                          This is 5 POUNDS!

(me holding 5 pounds! my trainer used this for an illustration)

So if I gained, oh, 5 pounds, this is what 5 pounds looks like! OUCH! Thats why my jeans feel so damn tight in my thighs! But damn that 1 pound is pretty impressive too, I will NEVER complain about losing "just 1 pound"!

Time to watch the sugars and those BADDDDD carbs "good bye"!

Oh yes, this looks much better on me, than those 5 pounds do!!!!!

This was me last week kicking off my 50 th! BURFDAY!!!! I treated myself to a massage and shopping, but.......

I finally got to SKY DIVE for my 50 th! I was suppose to last weekend, but due to Hurricane Sandy it was cancelled. So we had to drive back up to Cocoa Beach this weekend so I could full fill my desire! My birthday wish! heheheh!!!!

While my husband was soooo concerned about me having a Brasilian instructor, and praying that I get the older mature man from Montana, I landed me a truely splended treat!

A younger version of Bruce Springsteen, a yummy Italian from Rome! With a thick Italian accent! And just a lovely site to behold!

that picture doesn"t do him justice.....

but this one sure does! 18,000 feet up with this lovely specimen!!!

Now God is just showing off in this picture!!!!! I had this silly smirk the whole while! Please wipe the drool from my mouth!!!

How could I NOT smile!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So happy so excited and so proud to say, I am 50 today! I had 2 burfdays this month, my real Burfday and I turned 50, and earlier this month, Oct 1, 2007 was my "surgery 5th BURFDAY"!

      I had always hidden my family nick name , "Tiny", from everyone! Even close friends didn't know it. I was always so embaressed by my size, I was no way in hell  a "TINY" person!

      Wow, has this surgery changed my life in sooooo many ways! Everytime I had blood work done, I was always asked if I was a drinker, because I had "fatty liver". My blood work was showing that I was  quickly on the road to diabetes, and high blood pressure. I had had hernia & gall bladder surgeries. Back, knee & foot pain on an on going basis. I was becoming  so use to those aches and pains, that it was quickly becoming my new "normal"! And numerous times I had parents ask when I was due? My obesity was interferring with my life (I began avoiding friends & family)! With my job (I couldnt get back up from the floor without having to use furniture to get up with) and with my family (I felt as if I was embaressing them by my size)! My SURGERY was my cry for  HELP!

              5 years later, I feel like a whole new person! My energy and esteem are soaring! My confidence helped me regain myself respect and I no longer "give my power away". People treat me better, they respect me and they care about what I think and who I am. I guess they think because we were BIG that we were not too intelligent? I have been side by side in elevators & even the ecliptacle machine in the gym next to parents of children I have cared for, and they never recognized me at all!!!!! That can be kinda "powerful", especially if you never cared much for the parent, LOL!    

Exercise has been also sooooo powerful a "tool" I use, beside the surgical "tool" ! I can't believe how much I have embraced it! At work, everyone knows, including my pre-schoolers that Miss Carmen needs to change into her exercise clothes and get her exercise in! Even while visiting my family this weekend, they know my routine when I visit, gotta get up and walk, at least 3 miles!!!! I can fore go a day or 2, but not more than that!

          Anyway, I Thank God everyday, for gifting my surgeon with the skills and placing so many caring people from OH on my path to walk along side me and understand my "obese mind". Thanx everyone for letting me share and vent around here!!!!!

Carmen

prek3