What a rough couple of months it's been...

Aug 04, 2013

I have been away for a while! My mom passed away in June , and I was in cocoa Florida taking care of her for the past couple of months! I so miss her! And cancer is a BITCH!

i took care of her 24 / 7. my sister and niece lived with mom, but my sister was taking a class and working so i took my (fmla) and took charge of her appt. , her needs etc... and cooking and cleaning for them all. i lost 5 pounds my first week there! i was getting up super early to walk in the morning before my sister would leave to work , so i would rush back and shower too, because mom could not be left unattended, her ability to walk was declining and she needed assistance for her bathing and tolieting . I was exhausted, more than what i realized at the time, i would sleep outside her room with a baby monitor on incase she needed to go to the bathroom at night. then to see this strong woman deteriorate in front of me was grueling! I was so scared of being left alone with her, afraid she would pass away and I might  be alone with her when it happened. But God was so good, to us all!!

We celebrated her birthday, Mother's Day, my sisters graduation, Memorial Day weekend ( with the whole family together, even her baby sister from Puerto Rico came). I had called it a "celebration of life", her health was in serious decline already, but immediately following that weekend, she truly was losing ground! She passed away 3 days later, with all of us ( siblings , my family and close friends) around her bedside. We never lost a minute to let her know we were there and letting her know we loved her! I remember telling my children to come back up after Memorial Day weekend because we knew she would be leaving us. I told them that to be present with someone who was dying was truly to be in the presence of God. And the morning she passed we were around her bed praying and telling her we would be okay, and giving her the permission to move on.

my husband was wonderful! He would drive up every Friday evening and stay the weekend with me. The sofa bed was horrible, so we would place the mattress on the floor (lol)!  He was my little life saver, my soft spot! ! I could cry in front of him so comfortably. After a while I would cry with the nurses and social worker , I felt safe to release it in front of them. I couldn't keep up the pace to continue to get up early for my walks and my needs had to be put on the back burner, Something I would do all over again! But I had to be strong in front of mom. 

At moms funeral we released 124 butterflies! So many people came, cousins I grew up with that I had not seen in over 30 years,were there! It was beautiful! We just continued to celebrate her life ! I spoke at the service. And my kids and husband were so amazed how well I did. My 2 siblings ( my sister who lived with her for the last 13 yrs. and my brother who lives closes by to moms) had a difficult time. But because I was so present with the day in and day out stuff, I was better prepared. My relatives would come and speak to me about her care because my siblings were so in denial. 

Anyway, here is what I said at her service:

" Thank you all for coming today My mother did not want a memorial service, 

But we felt that we couldn't do that, 

We know how many people our mother had touched And we wanted to share and celebrate her life with everyone who loved her   Many of you didn't know moms health situation. And being the "mother" that she was, she just wanted to Protect you, Mom would be on the phone daily with her sister , our titi Margo who Was also dying, but mom never let on that about her own health battle! She didn't even tell her baby sister!  But we circumnavigated around her and let titi know.   She did not want any pity, or negativitey around her Martinez women are strong and stuborn that way! And my mother was certainly that! When ever doctor, dr. castro or any of the  nurses would ask mom if she had any pain the answer was always "no"! When she took a few spills she didn't want to worry her Handsome cute and, oh by the way Puerto Rican doctor! In  fact she would dress extra special and made sure to put on her special Expensive perfume, just for him! And make him serenata!   

The last few months mom and I had many special times together We talked about life's ups and downs And it struck me that mom definitely knew  that when life gives you lemons You make lemonade! I remember telling mom Oh I loved when you would make arroz con leche ( rice with milk) And she laughed and said " really? Mija that was because we were poor and struggling! But as a child we never knew it!   Mom was all about making memories! From our camping trips to parties and many wonderful family vacations and many parties Did I say parties? Mom and dad loved a good party! And party or no party mom always made people feel welcomed When ever I would come home the phone as always ringing and there was always food on the stove, just incase someone stopped by! Because Marta, Mari or cookie ( Juan) may want to eat   

And the last few months we made some new ones With our family and friends  Mom was there for Rickys and Tinas birthday when I sky dived for my 50th birthday She supervised Ricky taking over the thanks giving and Christmas preparations Eli going to the homecoming dance ( and seeing how we all came down and had uncle ricky and uncle bob check out a few of these boys  who had shown interest in Eli )  It gave her comfort, she needed to know we could do her job! Mom was there for Jelas birthday and Jelas graduation She was so proud of Jela!   We made new memories to share with our own children Moms birthday we released butterflies Mother's Day we had a pajama party ( that's the picture of Jela mom and I dressed alike) The boys and the grand children had a honey do list while we went out for Manis and pedis, and of course shopping When we came back we all surprised everyone by wearing these  Really cute pajamas! Everyone laughed and that night we sat around the Living room looking at the old pictures and sharing stories It didn't end there of course, we recently celebrated "life" on Memorial Day! There was song and laughter and of course good food!  

Mom was a woman of faith! and God helped me through this last year and certainly these last few months. shortly after my father passed away i had had a Dream In that dream my abuela ( my dads mother) had come to me  In a dream. My abuela wanted my mother to come and join her and my dad And I remember in the dream telling my abuela "No it's not her time"  My grand mother folder her arms and turned away from me upset   Then about in August I had another dream That we all went to Spain! Bob Tina bobby my sister brother  and even my brother inlaw! I realized in the dream that I didn't have any clothes no suit case, nothing! I went to my husband and told him,"Bob I forgot to bring clothes", he reassured it it was ok because he didn't bring anything either. Then I asked my sister if she brought anything to wear and she also replied " no".  But when I saw my mother and father they had their suit cases . They had  Prepared for this journey!   Mom was ready for her journey She had us all around her bedside and  we told her we loved her and that  it was okay to leave And she did! She was ready for this new journey!".    

When I finally went back to my own home, I had a lot to do! I was given a new classroom with new children for the summer! and then I had my own house to get back in order. My poor plants were dead! One particular day I was walking up the walk way  and I saw my wretched plant, the original plant had died and I had this odd stick of a weed growing in the pot. I was telling myself how I really needed to throw out the plant. But as I got closer to it,I actually saw a caterpillar on it! Actually it was more like 3 caterpillars! My daughter had just gotten home from work, and asked what I was looking at. I showed her the 3 caterpillars. She examined it and said, " no mom, you don't have 3 caterpillars, you have..." She started counting, I had 13 caterpillars!!!!! Turns out that odd stick was a "milkweed" plant! And monarch butterflies will only lay their eggs on a milkweed! In fact, if the caterpillars eat any other plant that is not milkweed, they will die! I have since released 15 butterflies!!!!!   ****oh and all caterpillars do is eat and shit!!!!! They ate up the milkweed so much that they left me with bare branches and we had to rush out and purchase more milkweed , like 6 more plants!!!!  

And my friend from work wanted to gift me with a living memorial, a "butterfly garden"! There are no coincidences! She purchased and layed out my garden! I will have to post the pictures! It's absolutely beautiful!  

anyway, I am back. I went for a "fill" last week, after I waited to see if it was true hunger or  Emotional eating. I asked my doctors PA when was the last time I had a "fill", turns out it was march of 2012!!!!!!! So part was truly that I needed a "fill", and the other was emotional eating. So I believe I am ready to detox yet again!!!!!   I was just at my moms house this weekend seeing my siblings, and my moms oldest sister had a heart attack this past Friday, so we drove 1 1/2 hours to Ocala from cocoa to see her. Thankfully she was doing well, we reminaninced, it was nice!!!! My mom came from a family of 10! And now there are just 2 left, they all passed away from one form of cancer or another!    

it has been bitter sweet to be back! But it is time to get back up and dust  myself off.

  I just needed to share, prek3 carmen    

0 Comments