Hoping that blogging will help keep me sane...

Feb 12, 2012

   I have had a hellish couple of weeks.  I got a new job that I started January 9th.  I'm happy to be working, but I ended up with a job that is 10 hours a day, six days a week.  That wouldn't be SO bad, but it's an hour and 45 minutes each way to work, so I am actually gone like 13.5 hours per day.  Even that wouldn't be so bad if it paid well.  It doesn't.  They wanted me to start off at $9 an hour.  Um.  No.  Seriously, not only do all of my daughters make more than that, but it would barely cover my fuel costs.  (I spend about $600 a month on gas now.. and prices are rising).  I met with the owner and he liked me, so he offered me $32k a year to start with a raise up to $36 a year (plus bonuses) after three months.  Still MUCH less than I am used to making.  It works out to $10.09 an hour for the first three months.  Ugh.  Better than nothing, though.  I HATE that I don't have time to see my family, house or dogs.  It sucks.  And I can't look for another job, because my only day off is Sunday.. and I work during the hours that anyone interviews.  *sigh*
  The Cowboy left for basic training a week ago.  That sucks, too.  I miss him TERRIBLY.  The day after he left, I found out that he had been messaging some girl over Facebook.  They weren't sexual, but they were definately flirty.  They stopped messaging when he gave her his number.  She's two years younger than he is, divorced and military ( I am 9 years older than he is.. I just turned 40 on January 29th).  She doesn't live around here, but it doesn't matter.  I was crushed. 
  THEN, I found that right before he left, we got a 48 hour notice from PG&E saying that our power was to be shut off on the 6th.. that was two days BEFORE I found the notice.  Also, we got a letter from our lender saying that if we didn't catch up on our house payments, he was going to foreclose.  Then came the collections call from the car loan lender.  THEN, I checked the mail... there was a notice from Napa County saying that The Cowboy's accounts had been frozen because he was behind on his child support.  It's a mix up.  He is NOT behind on child support.  His ex moved to a different county where she was collecting welfare and he had been paying that county.  Then she moved back to Napa County.. they don't know he has paid Solano County.  My name isn't listed anywhere on anything to do with that stuff, so there isn't anything I can do about it.  I had a complete meltdown.  I feel alone and scared that I will lose everything.  I'm already burnt out on work, but have no choice but to keep going (and I KNOW I am lucky as hell to even HAVE a job!).  
  Thank God my dad was willing to give me an advance on my tax return.   He gave me $3500 and then I got paid on Friday. I paid the back house payments, the PG&E, the water, the internet, the Jeep payment (last one), the car payment, got propane, paid Rent a Center, the car insurance, the home owners insurance, the garbage service and filled my gas tank.  I also got the puppies crates and bought some food.  I am once again broke, but I have paid most all of the bills.  I still have property tax, sewer, another car payment, the latest PG&E bill (just got it today) and phone.  I will pay what I can next payday. 
  I had my one phone call with The Cowboy.. told him about his accounts and confronted him about the other lady.  It's better, but I still don't know if I can trust him and I don't want to live like that.  I never want to be the paranoid girl that is constantly wondering where her guy is or if he is doing something wrong.  I HATE girls like that.  I hate girls that check their man's wallets or look through their pockets or check their phone messages or whatever.  I am afraid that I might become that girl.  If that's the case.. I'm out.  I found the messages in the first place because I was updating his Facebook status to let his friends know that he had arrived in GA safely.  (He gave me permission to do so.. I have always had running permission to do all of the things I listed above, but I just didn't want to.)  
  Other things have happened this week that sucked, but that's the highlights.  Ok, so finally Sunday came and I got my day off.  I NEEDED a day off.  then my graveyard guy called in sick.  Now I am stuck going in at 2am to cover the last part of his shift.  Which means that as soon as I am done with this blog, I have to take my shower and go to bed so I can get up at midnight to get there on time.  It sucks, because the graveyard guy had asked me if I could give him tonight off and I told him that any other night I might be able to swing it, but that Sunday was my ONE day off and I couldn't work it.  I guess he decided he didn't care and so here we are.  I had scheduled myself to go in at 8am on Monday (the latest I am allowed to start my shift) so that I could have a decently long day off.... so much for that.  
  As far as my weight goes, I seem to be hovering around 150ish.  (148 to 150).  That's about 8 lbs more than I was averaging a month or two ago, but for some reason it ended up being like TWO pants sizes.  I was in a four... now my size 6's are getting a bit snug.  I would complain (and it IS scary watching the number on the scale rise), but I have to remind myself that I WANTED to gain a little back.  I WANTED to get back up to like 165 or so.  I guess my concern is that I am gaining it badly...like getting fatter instead of curvier.  (Does that make sense?).  I would like to gain it in my hips, butt, thighs and boobs.  I am terrified of gaining it all back in my stomach.  Really, anywhere BESIDES my stomach would be fine.  Curves = good. Being a barrel shape with skinny legs = My biggest weight related nightmare.  Not sure when I can work out, though.  I could try joining a gym near my work, but I am not willing to add another monthly bill to my already large pile.  I bought a "door gym" for $6.99 at Ross.  It's like this thing that hooks to your door and has elastic workout bands with handles.  I also picked up ankle weights.  I figure the ankle weights will help build up my lower body a little if I wear them while I work and the "door gym" can be hooked to my office door and I can use it during my lunch break.  
  If anyone reads this, please send me some happy thoughts.  I could really use them.  

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