Keeping tabs on myself

Jun 01, 2009

Well all; I am really enjoying life right now.  I graduate from college with my second degree in 5 weeks, I have become a very active member of our local cycling club (Cincinnati Cycle Club); I am a ride leader/co-leader for weekly events, my daughter starts band camp soon and I have a new "interest" in life and relationships.  Part of this really makes me struggle with myself and my inner demons, you know.....those demons that got us to 200 or 300 plus pounds?  As I get more control of my life, and people begin noticing me in ways they don't usually or in ways they wouldn't normally (when I weighed 240 lbs) I get uncomfortable.  I carry myself so different now.  I have to admit for a single parent, fat was "safe".  No one bothers with being interested in you physically or in a relationship stand point when you have a child at home and are fat.  Yeah, I MISSED the companionship and the relationship, but I also didn't have to risk anything because there wasn't a risk; nothing ventured nothing gained. Now, any positive attention that reinforces the changes I am making carries a risk....what do i say to the guy that asks me out?  What do I say to myself to give me "permission"?  What do I say to adult companionship?  How do I handle physical attraction again?  And lastly...am i worthy of the attraction?  I almost feel like I am not deserving; however I know better.  I find the attention somewhat uncomfortable, yet wildly wonderful at the same time.
Well....I know this is "deep" but I struggle with this as fat at times is "safe".  I also am a firm believer that many of the reasons fat is safe are because of how we carry ourselves when we are fat.  There is no confidence, no personality and no openness from me when I am overweight.  I am outgoing, fun-loving and "happier" all the way around when I am thinner and I think I create the attraction as well.
Just my thoughts on this fine June morning!

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