7 Months, New Size, New Decade

Jun 07, 2009

Hi all, once again keeping tabs on myself through this wonderful tool we have in OH.  I am almost 7 months post-op and today I put on AND wore to work size 10s.  (GO ME!)  They are even comfortable and not tight  (YEA!).  I sat and figured out my approximate mileage each week and I am coming close to averaging 200 bike miles a week.  I am 60 miles shy of my first 1000 miles for the season and I hope to get at least 3000 in this season.  The scale isn't changing much, but I am sure noticing a change in my clothes; and to me that is important.  I have dropped into the 160's (168.2 today) and I was referred to as "hot" by several of the guys I cycle with this weekend (and one made that comment many times....of course in teasing; but hey; it was said).   I guess at 43 if I can be called "hot" while wearing bicycle spandex I have arrived 
So much is changing right now and I do feel a little ambivalent about handling the new (and improved) me.  I fear for falling off the wagon (and falling off my bike); giving in to bad habits, reverting back to poor comfort measures and choosing the easy way...again.  I also fear losing the security and safety I had when I was fat.  People didn't notice me or pay attention to me so I was safe.  I know this sounds a lot like my other blog; but I am scared (if you can't tell).  I love the way I feel, I am liking the way I look, I love the things I can do and the strengths I am developing but I also fear for all this change. How long can this last?  Do I have the energy to make it last?
Over the weekend I had some long talks with my friend (and hopefully becoming more than a friend in a very slow progression) and he has struggled with weight and health issues all his life as well.  One of the things he holds most valuable is surrounding yourself with people who share the same goals, desires and motivators.  We talked about the importance of steering clear of sabotaging people and old "friends" that are afraid of your progress and threatened by your changes.  We talked about how important it is to remain strong, and focused and to incorporate moderation into everything so the fear of falling (and failing) is not as real.  We talked about how much we are alike and how much we share and can support each other in our similar journeys.  I still have not told him about my surgery; don't know when I will; but part of me feels like a cheater for doing this.  I know better, but I do not want him to think that of me. 
I knew when I began this that some of my biggest demons would rear their ugly heads AFTER the weight was lost but I did not realize how big those demons could be.  On one hand, I am SO THRILLED with the progress, on the other hand I am so AFRAID of losing ground and drifting back to old habits. 
I need things like OH to keep me in check and keep me grounded! 

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