Irene S.
Forgiving Myself
Apr 27, 2010
I was looking at the "before" pictures of myself and I had such a stong emotional reaction. I really hadn't seen that many old pictures. I would NOT allow my picture to be taken if I could possibly stop it. But anyway...I looked at that woman who was carrying around all that weight. I remembered how hard she had to work. She worked at a large hospital and was on her feet and on the go, all day long. She worked so hard to be extra kind and extra good because she wanted to be liked, so much. I remembered how much she wanted to be a good mom. She was a good mom in many ways. But her weight kept her from so many things with her two daughters. She wanted so much to teach her little girl to ride a bike. But she was unable to run along beside her child. One of the most vivid and painful memories is this...She loved the water. Swimming was so wonderful. That feeling of being weightless in the water and floating on her back. BUT, she would not go to a public swimming pool. I remembered back to a hot hot summer. This woman, she had only one child at that time and she was around ten. She would stay with her grandmother on days when her mommy worked. her mamaw would take her to the local community swimming pool and drop her off. Then her mom would come and pick her up when she got off from work. I remembered how this woman would heave her bulk out of that hot car and walk into the swimming pool area to find her daughter. Sweat pouring down her body and her swollen feet aching. She would look at that cool blue shimering water and LONG to be in it. Her little freckled faced girl would come to the edge of the water and llok up at her mommy. "Mommy, pleaseeee come in and play with me..." and that woman would always say "no sweetie, mommy is tired and needs to go home and rest, ect" . That little girl NEVER got to go swimming in a public pool with her mom. Now, is everyone like that...no, but I was. The thought of exposing my fat self in a swimsuit was too much. I couldn't do it. Only when we went camping up in the mountains and had privacy, would I get in that wonderful cold water and play with my girls. How I thank God for those times.
I want to ask that woman, the one back there in those pictures, to forgive me for letting her get so fat. Forgive me for keeping her so confined because of my own embaressment. I understand how sad she was inside, so much of the time. I'm so sorry for all those years...all I can do now is promise myself that it will never happen again. My girls are grown and we are not in each other's lifes. They never have known this "new me". They can't relate to her. The only mom they ever knew was big and fat. Did my massive weight loss play a part in them leaving my life? I believe it did. Other reasons too...but yes, I think it did. God knows all about it. He holds us in His hands and He can bring them back to me.
That's all for now...just writing from my heart and needing to unload.
PICS
Apr 19, 2010
