Elisabeth G.

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So umm yeah 18 weeks post op and I am pregnant.  I am 3 BMI points away from where my fertility specialist wanted me to be before we started trying.  Life however has had other plans.  My IUD came out while they were ruling out everything prior to my adhesion removal surgery.  

My partner and I are very happy and excited yes I have some reservations.  Mainly to do with being off of my anxiety medications but I have a great support system and I have my service dog.  I am seeing my shrink once a week my nurse practioner ever two weeks a social worker my ob and a dietitian through my doctors office.  

Will just take it one day at a time

A lot has changed since I last posted.  I have grown as a person been through a lot of struggles and a lot of pain.  Needing a second surgery to have adhesions released after 8 ER visits with no answers, almost 4 weeks post op from that and I am still in some pain and discomfort and feeling nauseous.  Trying to get to the bottom of it we will eventually.  I am right on track weight loss wise.  I could not be happier with the new me.  I had a friend who had not seen me since before surgery ask me where I was going to lose the rest of the weight from since I have a minimum of 40 more pounds to go before I am at a healthy BMI.  That made me feel really good.  Wearing a medium sized pants now and loving it haven't actually gone shopping for brand new clothes but might treat myself after I move to a couple pieces.

I am moving into my first apartment by myself.  I am really scared but I will manage it.  I am stronger then I give myself credit for.  I do feel like I am approaching a second nervous breakdown with all the stress related to the move.  Up until last evening my mom still had not found an apartment and I was greatly concerned that she was going to be homeless. We found her a nice one bedroom apartment she can afford.  

I have been fighting with my ex Steve over cell phones we were all on the same contract and he has sent me into a perpetual anxiety attack.  Hopefully that will all be done and over with tomorrow and he will not send me into a massive attack when I see him to deal with the phone issues tomorrow.

I was date raped in the summer and it was my choice to remain friends with my rapist.  a lot of people think this was a wrong choice I needed to heal and I am the type of person who is always wanting to fix people he needed help so I took it upon myself to try and help him.  He is seeking treatment now and things will get better for him.  How ever he is a control freak who is trying to control my life and thinks he is next in line to be in a relationship with me.  I do not trust him other then as a friend.  I am slowly backing away from him and trying to get the message across that I need my space.  I am not his possession and thus should not be treated as one.  His actions and words are adding to the feeling of approaching a second nervous break down.  I need to have all this stress out of my life.

I have started seeing Jeff who in the two weeks we have been dating is already treating me better then I have ever been treated.  He respects me and treats me like a human being not an object or a possession. I am taking things slow.  He is on the same page as me for wanting a family and we have similar goals.  Both of us are going through a separation right now so we understand what is going on in each others lives.  He is a chef and wants to help me get back to eating more solid foods again.  Since my adhesion removal surgery I have regressed back to soft foods and more full fluids just because of the nausea I do eat some solid foods but not enough.  It is a long process and I do not regret it at all I am happy healthier and on the road to being who I really am as long as I avoid that nervous breakdown

 Steve and I are back on track went from friends seeing each other right after the news of the miscarriage back to dating today.  I am feeling a lot better about him and I.  It is still hard dealing iwth the loss but each day I am getting better.  I have 13 days until I start my preop diet and 38 days till surgery I am getting so close.
I have had two major NSV in the past few days walked a total of 8 miles 3 on sunday and 5 last night.  I also since I had rented a car to go to Toronto for my preop did all of my shopping on sunday getting ready for my preop diet without the aid of my service dog.
Which broguht me to the realiztion it really is social anxiety that gets the best of me and public transportation is a huge trigger.  My dad wants to cosign a car loan for me but I have to come up with a downpayment which will be interesting considering i am on disability but I will work on it it will just take me a while.

 Feeling very alone right now.  My boyfriend/not sure what to call him and I are going through a tough situation which could have really delayed my surgery and set me back a lot and could have made it so that I needed to start the whole process over.  Crisis avoided however and it was not ment to be but I am still going through a very emotional time.  WHere all I want/need is to be held snuggled cuddled and comforted.  He knows I need this and is going through his own shit as well and he is still trying to process everything that has happened in the last 10 days or so.  I doubt anyone will judge me the situation is with my anxiety disorder which partly results from a truamatic brain injury I had when I was 18 I have short term memory issues and forgot to put my bc pill in my weekly pill container for a week.  Well an ops happened.  I didn't tell him right away because I found out 4 days before seeing the surgeon.  Went to a walk in not associated with any of my doctors got a blood test to confirm numbers were low went for a repeate blood test the day before seeing the surgeon numbers didn't look good had only gone up by 6 no where near doubling I knew in my gut that I was losing it.  Got back from Toronto and finally decided to tell him I honestly didn't know how to tell him and wasn't ready to tell him I was scared.  I didn't mention it to the surgeon as I was just waiting to start.  Well it took a week but finally I have miscarried.  He keeps asking me if I need anything he knows what I need but has only come over one day he said he is still trying to process it he is taken back because he didn't think he could have kids so yeah I get he is dealing wiht his own emotions but I feel so alone enough so that I don't even want to post it on the boared because I don't want people to judge me for being so careless this close to the end. 
I am trying to look ok on the outside because my mom lives with me and I just couldn't bring myself to tell her as she is upset with him for backing out on my at the last minute to take me to see the surgeon it wasn't his fault that his car got vandilized the morning before my appointment. Inside I am a basketcase it hurts so much.  I had tried for 9 years to have a child with my ex and here an ops happens and I lose it as fast as I got used to the idea.  I don't know what to do I am going for my preop next week my surgery is in 7 weeks I am an emotional wreck and don't know where to turn.

 Phoenix got fully certified as a service dog at the begining of February and I could not have been more proud of him and I and the work we have put in to come this far.  I am currently waiting for his new vest to come in so we can retire the training vest.  I still get asked if he is still training because of his vest so it will be nice for him to have a fully certified vest in the next couple of week.
I still haven't heard a thing from my husband, he is being a coward and not talking to me so we can figure important things out.  My anxiety has relasped and I am having problems leaving my house again.  This is all making life very difficult for me.  I have friends saying well you just have to suck it up and go outside but when the thought of it sends you into an hour long anxiety attack and makes you throw up its just no worth it.  My social worker says it is normal for anyone not suffering with an anxiety disorder to have anxiety post shock of a spouse leaving but add on top of it a severe anxiety disorder and agoraphobia and you have me.  Just to get to the library today took double my usual as needed anti anxiety medication and even sitting here I am ready to flee.
I am starting to stress about my surgeon consult only because I have food allergies that prevent me from using the optifast and I am worried that they are still going to make me use it and I am going to be so sick.  Also with my anxiety disorder I know that my service dog is welcome at the hospital as long as i have someone to take him for his pottys and such but my mom is going to be with me and he is just too strong for her so I am going to be without him and I can not be alone with people I do not know.  I am almost like a child and need constant care just to keep me calm.  

 I don't think I can handle this any more.
For the last six weeks I have hardly been able to keep anything down.  Some times I can keep simple carbs down but most times about 10 minutes after I eat up it comes and what little does stay down comes out the other end due to being on metformin.
I am all for losing weight before surgery but 8 inches in a week is a bit much.  I have no energy am weak all the time and just wish I knew what was wrong with me.  My nurse practioner has run some blood work including a pregnancy test so far no answers.  I go back to see her on thursday.  I am just at my witts end.
I want to give up eating all together.  I had completely given up pop but had to go back to flat ginger ale as directed by my nurse practioner until we can figure this out.
I just want a day to go by where I am not vomiting getting the cold sweats and feeling weak.  I want to be able to eat without worrying if I am going to have to make a mad dash for the bathroom.

 So I met with the replacement social worker at the mood and anxiety program that I go to.  My last appointment was in February so I have goen this long without anyone from the program knowing anyhting that has been going on.  I am leary of meeting new peopel to beging with.  This social worker at first glance seems nice then she speaks.  Oh you are my first client with a service dog.  Can we do our sessions without him?  Umm no he goes every where with me he is part of the reason why I have progressed as far as I have.  Ok fine get that delt with appointment goes on and near the end booking my appointment for next week she says you have to keep your appointments which I agree with and state the only reason why I reschduled Monday's appointment was because there was a humidex advisory and asthmatic and eldery were to stay inside.  To which she says you have to work through it even if it is humid you have to ocme in.
Ok seriously I am a serve asthmatic that humidty sets of massive attacks that land me in the hospital and I am supossed to just work through the humidity to make it to my appointment.  The reason I avoid the humidity is not because it makes me anxious its because i can't breath and I have to walk 25 minutes to the bus stop to get the right bus to get to those appointments.  I am seriously not putting myself through that.
I am going to give her one more appointment to see if it is any different next week but with how I am feeling right now this social worker and I are not going to mesh

 It is offical my apprenticship started tonight.  I am working with my trainer to gain more experience to be able to train on my own.  Tonight was my first beginers class.  I still have a lot to learn.  I am doing well with the training of my own Service dog through the owner trained program.  This is another way to help deal with my anxiety.

 Today was the follow up with our fertility speicalist after all of our testing over the last six months.  Big surprise I don't ovulate well we knew that.  My insulin is really high again knew that have known for awhile that I have insulin resistance.  The big surprise is that he doesn't want me to wait two years after surgery to start fertility treatments.  He just wants my bmi to get down under 40.  He figured that would take about six months or so.  Our biggest issue is male factor infertility.  So that just makes things a little more difficult.  My husbands seman analysis is pretty much boarderline to be able to do IUI aka Interuterine Insenination.  We are a better candidate for IVF but being on disabilty that is not somethign that is in the budget.
Getting myself healthier with my surgical tool is a frist step.  
We have been trying to have a family for almost 8 years.  We now have some hope at the end of a very long and dark tunnel

 I have an invisible disability that I call attention to because I use a service dog.  There are times like today when I begin to question whether the benefit of having him is worth all of the discrimination that I get because of him from places where I shouldn't feel discriminated against. My doctor's office.  I go to a community health center that has everything from social workers, nurse practioners, foot care specialist, dietitions your name we have access ot it through the health center.  However lately I am being made to feel like I have no right to be there with Phoenix.  Today I had an appointment with my social worker.  I get there the already tiny waiting room is crowded check in and go to find a seat haven't even had a chance to put my health card away and already it has started.  Another patient gives Phoenix and I a dirty look and right away excuse me I am afraid of dogs you need to move.  I calmly explain that this is the only place to sit and he is a service dog and has every right ot be there.  The othe patient is curtious Oh Ok, then could you hold on to him so I can move.  Sure no problem not a big deal.  Still havne't had time to get my health card away let alone get Phoenix tucked in and under my chair when the Nurse is on me saying we need you to move you are in the way of a doctor who is terrified of dogs.  Please keep in mind this has all happened in a matter of 2 minutes.  I am also sitting in one of the few chairs that don't have arm rests so I am actually comfortable.  I tell the nurse give me a minute and Phoenix will be tucked in and out of the way.  Nope we are told to move (health card still isn't in my wallet)  Well of course this sets off a panic attack.  This isn't the first time this has happened.  We were there yesterday for another appointment and people had to ask me where Phoenix was because he was tucked so well under the chairs the doctor who is terrified of dogs walked right past him without any issues.
Because of the panic attack I had to leave the situation,  thankfully my social worker came and got me outside and I was able to have my appointment.  which now instead of disscussing my progress with my anxiety treatment plan is now spent disscussing the current situation.  I totally get that people are scared of dogs i understand that I am scared of things too, some to the point that if in the pressance I go into a paralyzing panic attack so I get fears all too well.  It is always the same nurse that is making me feel like I am not welcome there and she is a great person I just don't understnad where this is coming.  The receptionists have a habit that if the doctor or nurse practitioner i am seeing isn't in for some reason on a day when I have an appointment they schedule me with the doctor who is terrified of dogs and do not tell me.  Then when I get there I am asked to leave Phoenix in the waiting room.  This is just not acceptable I have every right to be there and to be treated with respect the same as any other person.  Just because I have an invisible disability does not mean I am the scum of the earth since I have a service dog.