full length mirrors.....

Apr 02, 2009

are the reason i shop online. I went to Lane Bryant tonight (which i never do cuz i stopped shopping there since Old Navy started offering plus size) and i went to try on a pair of jeans. And before i could try on the jeans...i caught a glimpse of myself in that huge...well lit mirror....and i just stopped....i was mesmerized........... and competely disgusted by what was staring back at me.

i mean, i've been big my entire life, and most of my weight has always been in my stomach...but i never noticed exactly how big it is, and how my thighs looked once i actually lift my freakin' stomach outta the way...i'll spare the details...but let's just say it wasn't pretty.

lately i feel like i've become obsessed with my weight....i feel like nothing looks right on me anymore, i'm always worried that people are talking about me, and all i think about is how my life would be so much easier if i could just lose 150lbs! and i'm upset with myself!!!!!  and because i hate myself so much i'm even entertaining the thought of starting a relationship with someone just out of sheer lonliness and dare i say it...desperation (even though my old counselor would be pissed with me because then i'd just be reversing 2 years of therapy) but i used to be that person in high school...i was that person my first year and a half of college...and then i turned into the DIVA!! (who was still fat, but ok with it)...and now i feel like i'm regressing...and i don't like it...i never want to be that person again. i feel like i know why all of a sudden my weight is an obsession...but i'll keep it to myself.

gastric bypass has always been on my mind...it's been on my mind for 4 years now...but i just seriously don't know...so i was thinking about joining Curves because it seemed to work for my mom when she was going...but being a recent college grad i'm not really trying to incur anymore monthly expenses.....

idk i think i'm just unhappy with almost every aspect of my life right now...and being over 300lbs doesn't help things....

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