Sparklegigi

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so, here I stand, its 2015 and my surgery was January 2010.  One thing I said was that I would never have gone through such a surgery to be fat again, but...here I am.  I weigh about 170.  That's up from my lowest 117.  I wear almost an 18.  I was on WW for 9 months and got soooooooooo bored, so I went off and gained it all back.  I have even been slacking on the one exercise I do, walking.  Not looking for pity, just blogging where I am.

At my weight watchers meeting they shared this:

Don't compare your beginning to someone elses middle and end.

Why this works for me is that after my surgery, I was comparing myself to everyone elses pattern for losing weight.  I was mad.  I was mad that my vsg friends got skinny fast, could eat most anything (in smaller amounts) and dont seem to regain.  I was angry that my co workers teamed up to lose while I was gaining.  I was just plain angry.  So you see, the quote is my mantra because this is my journey, not theirs and there is no reason to compare.

When I think back to when I first had a weight problem, I was 8 years old.  I remember grabbing at my tummy and instead of it being flat like other girls, it had loose skin.  That was 50 years ago!  I have been up and down and right after surgery, way down to a mere 117 waif.  I didnt have any money for surgery so my skin was so loose that when I gained a few back it was ok with me.  The more time out I had the more I could eat and my variety of foods let me go back to my old ways.  Wait, I was suppose to have this surgery that rearranged my guts so I would never have to diet again!  After a 60 lb regain and with no end in sight I decided to start Weight Watchers for the third time, but this time they had us begin on what they call Simply Filling.  It is my magic bullet.  I am doing well, lost 24 lbs so far and realize that this is my life.  My life includes watching what I eat and exercising if I want to keep this weight off.  That's just the way it goes, the end, period.  No more pity parties about how my VSG friends are still skinny or how I came out of surgery a starving maniac and that never went away.  Oh well, too bad, I can deal with it, I can deal with anything.  It's my life and it's ok!

So the last time I blogged, I was up many pounds.  I was really upset with my type of surgery, RNY, why oh why didnt I wait 6 more months for the VSG to be offered by my insurance? Anyway, I thought for sure I was having what they seem to call "bounce back weight" only it never stopped.  In June of this year, I went back to Weight Watchers for a THIRD time since out of surgery at 183.4 pounds, up 64 pounds.  WTH!!!  The other two times I just couldnt lose with the point system, but this time they have you start for 2 weeks on the old core system which is now called "Simple Start."  It is a miracle. I tried to lose on my own, protein first, water, protein shakes to no avail.  I am so thrilled with this program that I had to share it.

By the way, I am the one who came out of surgery STARVING!  I could always eat a lot of food and never understood how people went for months trying to get everything in when I always could.  I am finally OVER those remarks and am down 20 lbs with WW.  I walk on the treadmill everyday and eat from the giant list of foods they give you.  At one point I was all the way down to 117.  I was a skinny mess with no hair, so for now, my new goal is 150 and I will adjust as I get closer to the goal.  For now, I am a happy camper!

I was reading my posts from a while ago, I read that I had gained about 25 pounds.  Well, that was 25 lbs ago, I am now up 50 lbs.  Have you ever heard about something called 'bounce back weight?"  I assumed that you would gain a little weight, and then your body would adjust, no big deal.  Well...I was wrong.  Once the gain is on, its on.  It keeps going and going, just like when I was losing my weight was coming off and off.

The good news is that I have kept exercising through this.  Not anything over the top, mostly walking, but to me that is a sign that I am not giving up. 

I am rejuvenated because I went to the OH conference over the weekend.  We received the Royal Treatment and were exposed to so many great speakers and panels.  I learned about set points, how Dr's are not Gods they are technicians and that with a lot of hard work, I can be healthy and fit into my clothes again. 

I really do love to eat, so back to Weight Watchers I went.  I really enjoy the support at the meetings.  I eat a lot 3 years out, this program keeps me in line.

This paragraph is really just for me, I already KNOW the answers. I am up 25 lbs with no end in sight.  Walking all over NYC two weeks ago  where we walked up to 8 miles a day didnt even budge my weight.  I am grazing and snacking, while my co-workers  are doing well and losing weight.  I honesty think that is why I am on this downward spiral.  You know with some people, you tell them good news and it depresses them?   I think that is me.  My work clothes dont fit but my eating is out of control.  Trouble is I am the only one who can control it, and I am not. 

Didnt Charlie Brown always use to say that?  Well, here I am, 2.5 years out and up 21 lbs.  To be fair, I need to lose 18, but it seems monumentous and I feel out of control.  I am beseiged by carbs, chips, oh yes, I ck for a low carb content before I buy them, but I am not supposed to buy them!
What I am changing?  Adding more excercise.  Back to two shakes a day.  trying to get more water in. 

I dont want to be one of those who our friends said, "yah, she lost a lot of weight but gained it all back."
No way.

Yes, I feel doomed!

I want to thank you for your responses to my blog about failing and Weight watchers.  You were so kind and so supportive, I was overwhelmed.  I am taking your advice.  I quit WW this morning, began the day with water and protein, I will also get my walking in today.  I dont know what I was thinking joining WW, spending all that money per month plus adding processed foods and carbs into my life!  I have my head on better this morning.  I had a great breakfast full of protein, already have a great start on my water and vites, in my head I feel better already.  I am using my fitbit to track my 10,000 steps a day plus tracks my food intake.  I feel very  impowered!  Next step, go back to my support group on Wed nights.  I have to drive far to get there, but it will be worth it! Thanks again!

Well, I went to Weight Watchers and it has introduced me to many things I should not have begun to eat.  Popcorn, low carb breads and chips, sugar free candy and instead of losing, I have eaten myself up to 132 or so from my low low of 117.  My actual normal weight should be about 125.  I am in that space of knowing what I should be doing but not doing it.  If not for walking on the treadmill every day, I would be up even more.  My head is not in the right place.  How could I do this to myself?  I am not sure how to set myself straight.
I know the drill, water, protein and excercise.  If you were new I would be telling you that.