st_mel

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

Tuesday, the day of the WLS seminar with the surgeons, is my mother's birthday.  I drove up to visit my family to celebrate my mother's birthday since it's during the week, and, as much as I love my mother, I'm not driving 4-5 hours round trip on a weeknight to celebrate her birthday.

I told my mother first that I want RNY.  She listened, I showed her some of the resources here on OH, and discussed my future health fears, and the health problems I'm having now. She is for the surgery.

I started to tell my father next (he was napping while Mom and I talked), but we were interrupted by the first guests arriving (more family).  We finished talking this morning, and he didn't say much. I know he's been concerned about my health. At this point, I think he's on board.

My aunt and cousin were talking about how they wanted to do a Biggest Loser type thing with the family, $100 each, biggest loser gets the pot. I hadn't intended to tell them last night, but they were including me. I told them I would not be participating, and they wanted to know why.

I explained everything to them, less in depth than my mother. My cousin is against it. My aunt said she'll support me whatever I choose.  My sister is worried about my health after the surgery.  She will support me, but I know she's worried about it. 

My mother tried to explain to them the mind set that I do not believe I can lose weight, and be healthy, without the surgery.  I have tried so many times, and I've never gotten below 185, and I was 20 the last time I was that low. I haven't been below 200 since. 

I think part of the problem is that they don't realize the mental sense of being overwhelmed by having more than 100 pounds to lose.  My sister and aunt were talking about how hard they worked to lose 25 and 30 pounds, and how frustrated they are with themselves that they've gained it back. I have to lose at least 4 times that, and, as much as they mean well, they really don't understand.  They don't understand that I feel as though I'll never be able to lose it all without the physical tool of the surgery.  I've done structured plans, and I've never lost more than 20 or 30 pounds. And I've gained all of that back. WLS is a physical limitation to help with the permanent lifestyle change.  I realize that the surgeon won't be doing anything to fix my mind, but I believe that by enlisting the help of my family, my psychiatrist, my doctor, and my friends, that by the time my pouch has stretched out some, as we all know it will, that I will have made those mental changes.

They want me to start the diet now. I recognize that's probably a good idea. At the same time, it's harder in a sense that I don't have a small stomach currently. It takes a lot more to fill up my stomach now than it will after the surgery. I don't have that tool, so I can't rely on it to help me stick with the plan.  I also realize that I also want to enjoy everything that I can now, because I know that I won't be able to after the surgery. Almost a sense of wanting to enjoy it without consequences while I can.

I am resolved to have the surgery, because I believe it is the best thing for me. But I want my family's support, because I also know that I can't make the mental change without their help.  We are social eaters.  When we get together for a meal, there are munchies, too.  Chips, dips, crackers, spreads, veggies, tarts, desserts. All of that in addition to the meal itself.  We use food to celebrate.  And I need them to help me find other ways of celebrating when we're together besides sitting around eating.

I want to be able to bend over to pick things up without having to squat and bend my knees because it hurts my back and my belly gets in the way.

I want to be able to shave my legs without having to contort into weird positions to reach the backs of my legs because my belly is in the way.

I want to be able to roll over in bed without having to use the headboard for leverage because it hurts my back to roll over.

I want to be able to sleep on my stomach again without waking up at some point feeling like I'm suffocating.

I want to be able to sit up straighter because my boobs are lighter and aren't pulling me down.

And I wonder if my feet will touch the floor when I sit in chairs because there's not so much fat on my bum and legs raising me up.

So I've been trying to think about all of the reasons I want to lose weight.  I know that it is a combination of health and vanity, so I'm going to let the thoughts flow to make sure I'm doing this for the right reasons.

Currently, I have....

- Hypothyroidism.  I take a pill for this every morning, and realize I will have to for the rest of my life, with or without surgery.
- B-12 deficiency.  I do once monthly injections.  I will have to do this the rest of my life, with or without surgery.
- Folic acid deficiency.  I take a daily pill.  Again, this is a rest of my life, with or without surgery, thing.
- Post-cholecysectomy syndrome.  This has been the most distruptive surgery of my life.  I have had to learn how my body reacts to foods all over again.  I avoid some foods and restaurants, because they result in what I have come to believe is dumping syndrome.  I end up in the bathroom on the toilet with the trashcan in my lap groaning in pain and rocking back and forth.  I break out in a cold sweat, and it's one of the worst pains I've ever experienced.  I now avoid those foods.  I take Welchol.  I typically have 3 bowel movements a day.  If I need a Welchol, I've had up to 7 in one day.  Gas, mucus, solid, liquid, everything in between.  Not knowing what is coming or how often is my normal.
- Kidney stones.  I am a stone factory.  Kidney stones, gall stones.  I am a rock quarry.  This will be a lifetime deal.  They're mostly under control right now.  I just usually avoid high oxalate foods like berries, spinach, broccoli, nuts, and tea.  Though I fail sometimes on the tea thing.  I'm a southerner and I really like my iced tea.  My main issue is that I have a slight defect in my left kidney that causes constant hydronephrosis (back up of urine into the kidney).  I have had a percutaneous nephrostolithotomy (cut through my back), and I know it will probably happen again in about 10 years.  I produce them in my right kidney as well, just not as many or constantly.  I currently have one or two in the left kidney, but they're not passable.
- Arthritis.  I broke my left ankle when I was 20.  It healed incorrectly because I went to a doctor at an urgent care center who told me I could walk in the cast as soon as it didn't hurt to walk.  That was bad advice according to the orthopedic surgeon.  I already have arthritis, and, if I don't lose weight, it will progress more quickly than it normally would.
- Spine problems.  I was rear-ended twice in a three month period in 2007.  The first accident left me unable to walk more than 10 minutes at a time.  I'd healed by the time I was hit again.  That one left me with severe whiplash.  If I move wrong, I pull my spinal muscles again.  As of this moment, in order to sit up from a lying position, I either have to roll over onto my stomach, or someone has to pull me up.  I threw my back out bowling on New Year's Eve, and I'm still having that much trouble.  I know the weight adds to my recovery difficulties.
- Urinary incontinence.  I wear a pad every day.  I hit 200 pounds during college, and I've worn a pad ever since.  This is definitely weight related.  I do exercises, but they have not helped at all.
- Skin rashes.  I get rashes on skin folds that hang over each other and get sweaty.  I have some antiseptic cream that I picked up in England that is working wonders.  I put some on at the first sign, and it clears up.  However, it always comes back.
- High blood pressure.  My blood pressure is not always high.  However, it's pretty borderline. I was briefly on Benicor following the second accident.  My blood pressure was insanely high at the scene of the accident, and the paramedics wanted to take me to the hospital to get treatment to bring it down.  The numbers didn't mean anything to me at the time, but now that I work with medical records on a daily basis, I realize I was at risk for a stroke.  It came down to a more normal level when I calmed down after the accident, but my doctor was still concerned enough to place me on medication.  I'm off of it now, but it still gets high occasionally.
- High blood sugar.  It's been a few years since my last four hour glucose tolerance test, but my blood sugar wasn't exactly right when I was 21.  I doubt it's any better now that I'm 50 pounds heavier.  My father is a type II diabetic.
- Acid reflux.  This is a new development since I've been hovering around 260/250 in the last year or so.
- Depression/anxiety.  I take Paxil CR.  I guess it's working, but I don't really see any difference.  Mine definitely has a genetic component, but I won't get into that here.

My fears are....

- Rheumatoid arthritis.  My mother is a long-time sufferer, and I fear I may end up with this disease as well.  I already have traumatic arthritis in my left ankle.  And I fear my ability to function in the long term if I end up with RA like my mother.  My sister and my father have nodules on their fingers, and I test positive for an increased Rh factor.  It's not an unlikely possibility.  My mother has had two total knee replacements and is overweight.  She can no longer bend over to tie shoe laces or put on shoes.  She cannot wear jeans unless they have an elastic waist.  And I fear she will die before I have children.
- Heart attack.  I realize this is probably currently a far-off possibility, but three of my grandparents died of heart attacks.  Recently, I've noticed occasional tachycardia (increased heart rate).  Most recently, as I was lying in bed reading.  My heart just started beating quickly and painfully.  It was only a few moments, but I don't want it to be a sign of things to come.
- Sleep apnea.  My mother has this.  I already snore in my sleep. I've been aware enough to know I've woken up gasping once or twice in the last couple of months.  I really don't want to have to go for a sleep study and a c-pap at 29 years old.
- Diabetes.  See the discussion of high blood sugar above.  I already have some numbness of my legs and toes due to pinched nerves (see the discussion of spinal problems above).  I really don't want to run into diabetes and complications of peripheral neuropathy.
- PCOS.  My gynecologist has suggested I may have this based on some facial hair, the size of my upper arms, and my blood sugar problems.  She's never run specific tests to check, and I'm hoping that I do not have PCOS.
- Ganglion cyst.  I have a ganglion cyst on my left wrist.  It hurts when I use my hands to rise or hold myself up.

My concerns are....

- Failure.  I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Wednesday.  I am planning on discussing this with him, and seeing if he can also help me with food issues, or if that's something I'll need to address through the surgeon's support group.
- Leakage.  'Nuff said.
- Stricture.  Self explanatory.
- Malabsorption with RNY.  My kidney stones are calcium oxalate.  How will needing to take a calcium supplement affect this?
- Excess skin.  I know I'd want it gone, but a tummy tuck, breast lift, or arm lift is such major surgery.
- Death.  This is a minor concern.  I've gone under general anesthesia multiple times for surgery and procedures related to my gall stones.  I have never had a problem.

My hopes....

- That some of my physical problems (blood sugar, blood pressure, etc.) will resolve or mostly resolve.  The kidney stones aren't going to go away.  Is it possible for a bulging disk to no longer bulge?  I have a few of those confirmed after the accidents.
- That I my skin still has enough elasticity to mostly bounce back.
- To wear heels again.  I have so many cute shoes that I can't stand to wear right now because of my back and because they hurt my feet to stand in.
- To like the way clothes fit my body again.  I don't know my body anymore.  There are rolls and bulges in places I've never had them before.
- To not have to wear pads on a daily basis!!!!
- To feel better about myself.  I used to fix my hair and wear makeup to work on a daily basis.  Now, people are lucky if they see my hair out of a pony tail and anything more than chapstick on my face.
- To have more energy.  I am always tired these days.  It's part of the reason I started seeing a psychiatrist in the first place.  His response has been to titrate up my Paxil, but I don't see any difference yet.
- Being able to spend less for clothes.  Places like Walmart and Target don't really carry cute clothes in my size.  That means I'm stuck shopping at department stores and Lane Bryant.  Walmart, Target, Old Navy...I'm looking forward to being able to shop at a larger selection of places with a larger selection of prices.
-Flexibility.  At the moment, my fat rolls keep me from being as flexible as I'd like.  I know I'll have to work on stretching since my muscles haven't had to be used that much since I gained so much weight, but I can do that through yoga.

Things I'll miss....

- Celebrating with food.  Birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, holidays.  My friends and family celebrate with food.  Cake, ice cream, restaurants.  Watching everyone else enjoying everything will be hard when I have to abstain.
- Eating whatever I want.  I already avoid some things because of my post-chole syndrome, but not most things.  I am currently on an ice cream and powdered doughnut kick.  I know my body well enough to know that, if I can eat these things, I would, and if I dumped, I wouldn't.  So I would not be willing to even try after the surgery.
- A certain sense of security.  Really, I think I think of my weight as a kind of protection from rape or stalkers.  People don't usually fixate on fat girls.
- Soft drinks.
- Alcohol.

I've always thought of myself as essentially healthy.  I realize now that I'm not.  I've had a lot of medical problems since I hit 220 or so.  I do not believe I'm doing this for mere vanity. I am tired of being sick and the muscle and joint aches and pains on a daily basis.  Lately, I've been starting my days with 3 Advil.  I hope I am doing this for the right reasons.

My name is Melanie, and I'm 29 years old. I've been fat since I was 7.  I can trace my first big weight gain to the time around when my grandfather died (only grandparent living when I was born).  I kept it kind of in control in high school because I was in band, and I always lost weight during marching season.  Since then, with the exception of a few periods when I was on various programs, I've only continued to gain. I'm about 5'1 and a half, and weigh roughly about 260 pounds. As posted on the message board, I have started the process. I've called the insurance company, my PCP, and I've put my name on the list for the next WLS seminar at the local bariatric center.  I am looking forward to learning more.