StacyJo44

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On March 29th I went to my WLS seminar. I had my first clinic appointment with a Bariatric Nurse on April 17th. I've gone in for my first labs and tomorrow I have my first appointment with my Psychologist. Hopefully things will start moving along at a steady pace after that. I've quit smoking and starting dieting to drop my pre-op weight. I don't mind the idea of this journey taking time as long as I've got some forward momentum. I've got my new Ninja blender and ordering a digital food scale tomorrow. I'm writing down tips and meal ideas. I'm just really looking forward to getting back into the clinic to see where i'm at and how far I have yet to go before I get a surgery date. It took a little time for the reality of what I was contemplating to fully sink in. Almost a full month to be honest. But it's a big decision and not one to rush into. You do the research, you ask questions, you read other peoples posts and stories, you weigh the pros and the cons and decide if you are willing and able to commit to the complete lifestyle change that having WLS demands. I made my decision. I'm committed and so i'm ready to get this show on the road.

So almost a week ago I blogged a post about quitting smoking. It ended up taking me a couple days to REALLY get on track with quitting. Like most smokers, I KNOW it's a bad nasty habit I should have never started, but 28 years later, even though I KNOW it's slowly killing me, I just couldn't figure how I was going to find the will power to quit. See, my smoking addiction isn't really all that different from my eating addiction. I'd quit the smoking for awhile and go back. I quit cold turkey while pregnant only to start back up after I quit breast feeding. Like dieting, I'd quit the bad foods for awhile but ended up failing and going back to my old habits eventually.  I resented having to give up sugar or butter or twinkies just like I resented having to give up smoking. There are two parts to a smoking addiction. The physical addiction to the Nicotine and the psychological addiction or habit. Is it really that different from our addiction to food? Sure we NEED food, we can't give it up completely, but going into this WLS process we all learn the same thing, our HABITS HAVE TO CHANGE! Any reason I ate other than to fuel my body when it was hungry was a deadly habit. I realized that and went to a seminar to change it. I don't want my obesity to kill me. So why couldn't I see smoking the same way? Even after losing my mother to lung cancer I STILL smoked. I've known for a long time that I NEED to quit, but why couldn't I WANT to quit enough to really stick with it? The physical withdrawal from nicotine lasts about 3-5 days. Even as I type this, my body is going through those withdrawal symptoms. For the first time EVER in my all my quitting attempts, I'm able to ride out the intense cravings when they hit without any thought of giving in to them. Why? Because I finally, truly, actually, WANT to quit. It's one thing for a smoker to play the game of chance with cancer or emphysema. It's not so much if, but when. We all know somebody who knows somebody who smoked their whole life and never got cancer or didn't get it until they were in their 90's. So you figure you'll just cut down some if you start getting short of breath or coughing too much and take your chances. But here's the reality with Nicotine and WLS. Nicotine SIGNIFICANTLY increases the risks of blood clots after surgery. It also raises the risk of post surgery leaks and ulcers. It was the thought of a clot traveling to my lungs that flipped a switch in my brain. Yes, clots are a risk, but as a smoker, the risk is more than doubled. I'm not that much of a gambler! I have a son who needs me and the whole purpose of this journey is to change my life, to be healthier. Not to die before I can reap the rewards or risk complications that prevent me from succeeding. It's simply NOT WORTH THE RISK! I'm not sure what that flipped switch did, but somehow it reconciled my Id, Ego and Super-ego. I have cravings, but NO desire to give in.I feel like I have SUPER HUMAN Will Power.  In a couple more days the physical cravings will cease, the nicotine will be out of my body and I can move forward towards a safer surgery. 

I received a $200 gift certificate through my company's Health Incentive Program. Since I don't own one and hear I'll need one, I used it to order a blender. I opted for a Ninja. Hope it works as good as they say since I imagine it'll be getting a lot of use both for the pureed foods and then protein shakes and smoothies. Is it silly to be excited about a blender? Something to check off my "Things to buy before surgery" list. It's reassuring to know I'll have the necessary tools to get the job done. 

Can somebody please tell my why I can't get my Ticker to show up on my introduction? It shows when I preview, but not when I go back to my blog page. 

(Steps onto the soapbox)...All fat people are not lazy, unmotivated, stupid, weak, unable to or unwilling to work just as hard and their thinner coworkers! It continues to amaze me how much it seems to annoy certain people in the management where I work that I do not conform to their prejudiced views on how a fat employee should behave. How dare I be a confident fat person? I'll tell you how. Because fat or thin, it doesn't change who I am on the inside! When I first started working for my company, I was about 70 lbs lighter and tho still heavy, I was much more fit and muscular. I have a very physical job and am only one of two women who do it. I was also putting me health at great risk by taking an ephedra based supplement 3 times a day and eating just one sandwich a day! I was a hard working highly motivated employee and highly respected. We had a layoff and being low seniority, I was cut. 2 years later I was asked to come back and I happily did. I was 60 lbs heavier but still hard working and highly motivated but treated MUCH differently. So what changed? My weight, that's it. I'm not taken seriously, if I have an ache or a pain from the physical demands of my job, it MUST be because I'm fat or perhaps because I'm a fat woman. Certainly not because i'm working so hard. Never mind all the men who have issues with pain, they're just getting old and it's to be expected, or so i'm told. Now it's true, my weight is starting to cause problems for me at work...I stress the "FOR ME" part. That's why I've decided to go ahead with this WLS process. My integrity will not allow me to give less than 100% at my job even if it means coming home and eating Advil like candy. Integrity is not measured by or equal to the size of a person!!! My work ethic has NOT been altered by my weight gain through the years, only managements ability to see it through their prejudiced eyes. So looking forward to all the challenges I will face after surgery what will be the hardest you ask? Sticking to the eating program? Nope...exercising and weight training? Nope, looking forward to getting some muscle back....Identity crisis and self image conflicts? Nope, I have fatorexia which to me means I look in a mirror and I don't recognize the fat girl looking back because I don't see myself as fat in my mind or actions....The biggest challenge i'll face is figuring out how to lose the large chip on my shoulder when dealing with the changes in how i'll be treated by people simply because I lost weight. All sarcasm aside, this is a very real concern for me. And one i'll be addressing with my Psychologist at our first meeting. I have never had patience or much tolerance for bigotry especially when it deals with outward appearances. My weight up or down has never had much effect on my self confidence, it's my physical limitations that are wearing on my self respect. I am my own worst critic. I am so tired of the smug patronizing attitudes of people who are no better than me just because they wear a smaller sized pair of pants. Yes, I will be the "bigger" person. I will smile, do my job with the same hard working attitude that good upbringing installed in me and be grateful everyday that i'm able. But know this, I will always recognize sincerity and i'm not now nor have I ever been desperate for unanimous acceptance. In the end, the only opinion about me that really matters is my own. The wrapping may change, but whats inside will be the same so God help me find the strength to kindly deal with shallow people and false platitudes~ Amen...(Steps off the soapbox)

My first appointment with a Dietitian isn't until May 19th but i'm really looking forward to it. I've taken a journal type book and tabbed it with different subjects for notes, questions, and idle thoughts. While I look forward to the days where i'll be able to join in the forum discussions on recipes and meal ideas, at this point it only creates confusion trying to plan that far ahead. A liquid diet for 3 weeks, then pureed foods for another week is about all I can focus on now while i'm still pre-op. My ADHD makes it necessary for me to write things down in a structured way that will be easy to follow and understand. I suspect I will be making many lists LOL. Perhaps just before surgery when I plan my grocery shopping trip, i'll ask for tips on the forum sites for how to best prepare for the liquid diet stage. I think since I still have so much to do before i'm cleared for a surgery date, these notes and lists help keep me focused on the big changes to come while I play the waiting game for each appointment.

Okay, so I've not really set any weight or size goals yet since I'm still in the beginning phase of the WLS process and I'm more concerned about being able use my rollerskates again than I am about what size swimsuit I'll be wearing next summer ya know? However, I was letting my mind wander today at work and I remembered that 13 years ago during one of my unhealthy weight loss experiences, I had bought a pair of Levi's button fly jeans. I was about 1 size away from fitting them and had never in my life been able to wear button flys. I never did make it into them and came home wondering what I had done with them. Turns out I still have them. Tag still on. So, I am setting one goal today based on size rather than health. One day I WILL wear those old, out dated button fly jeans! Maybe i'll tease my bangs for the photo too! LOL

Getting ready to go to bed and mentally preparing myself to be a quitter. Tomorrow I quit smoking and start radically altering my dietary habits to drop my pre-op weight. Used to be if I was trying to quit smoking, I ended up eating more and if I was dieting, I smoked more. I imagine trying to do both at the same time is going to make Stacy a bit of a Be-otch. Maybe that's why nobody likes a quitter? LOL....I guess since i'm preparing to change my whole lifestyle, there's no better motivator to quit a nasty habit that I should have never started in the first place and having the surgery depend on my ability to quit is a strong motivator. I feel like the donkey pulling the cart with the carrot dangling in front of me. I have this mental image with two versions to help me. I REALLY want to do mud runs after I recover from my surgery. So i'm picturing myself slender and toned running this course feeling light and healthy and ALIVE with that great adrenaline rush and flood of endorphins that comes from physical exertion then I picture it again where I'm barely into the run and bent over gasping for breath, face flushed, feeling weak and nauseous as I cough out a lung.....Yeah, I think that'll help! I can do this!!!!

I've spent the day popping in and out of this site learning how to navigate and use it to it's full potential. I'm no where close yet but having fun and making a few friends along the way. The Nurse told me a strong support group is crucial to success and while I have friends and family who are hugely supportive, it isn't the same as finding others who will KNOW what i'm going through first hand. Reading through some of the comments in the forum's and blog entries has helped alleviate some of my fears and helped me to better understand whats in store for me in the future. This site is a blessing!!!!

I first considered WLS about 5 years ago but stories of the risks put me off. Although I have always battled my weight, I was never really concerned about being the skinny girl. I was active in sports and happy to be able to lift weights and be the strong girl. Now, 5 year later, age is taking it's toll and my ability to be active without aches and pains due to the weight is becoming difficult. I'm only 44. I still have things I want to see and do that my body will no longer allow. Suddenly the risks of WLS are far fewer than the ones my body is presenting to me now. Pre-diabetic is only a ticking time bomb. Slipping hip is a nice way to say sooner or later you'll need a replacement. Getting a daily calcium fix from the TUMS is nice, but the need to battle the constant reflux or heartburn is getting annoying. I finally decided to go to a seminar 1 month ago and yesterday had my first appointment with a Bariatric Nurse. It went well and I thank Janet for making the experience pleasant. I now have appointments scheduled for a Dietitian, Psychologist, and a sleep study is in the works. As I mentioned, I'm only 44. But at 5'6, I weigh 262. I carry most of my weight in my lower body. I'm very thick legged. My BMI is 42.3...All paperwork is started and it looks like my insurance will cover most of the cost of the surgery. I'm looking at having the RNY. I left the clinic yesterday and went straight to my Dad's place to discuss the process and we went to Cosco to purchase the first of a lifetime supply of vitamins. I'm so very thankful I have support of my family and a few wonderful friends! I also realize that at this point, I don't have a full realization of just what all I will encounter on this journey. I'm only a little nervous and not so much excited as I am determined. The reasons that people choose Bariatric surgery are as varied as the people themselves. For me, it's not so much about a size or a weight. It's about a lifestyle. I want my strength back! I want to use my roller skates again. I want to do a mud run, I want to hike and climb trails without pain or shortness of breath. Looking good in a swimsuit is less important to me than being able to swim across the lake again. Is there some bit of vanity in my reasons? Of course there is! I miss seeing the curve of muscle that's now receded and otherwise lost under the thick layer of unhealthy fat. I hate that I cannot wear spandex to the gym not so much because of how it looks, but because the friction from the thigh rub wears it out too quickly to make it worth the purchase and is extremely uncomfortable and embarrassing when it's audible to the people around me. I also know I'll need to face some pretty big obstacles and fears. How will I cope when food can no longer be my source of comfort? How do I find the strength to give up nicotine and caffeine for the rest of my life? How do I come to terms with the fact that most of the things I've considered priorities in my life are also the things that will kill me? The simple answer is that I change my priorities, but that's really not so simple is it? If it were that easy I wouldn't be writing this right now. It's a journey, one step at a time to take me where I need to go. Getting help was the first step and I'm on my way.