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 It feels like a juggling act...take meds, have protein, drink..no..stop drinking...eat...wait..drink..oh, vitamin, calcium..more protein..drink...now stop...on and on.

Once I get this down it will be time to change but it isn't too bad.  I have tried to write down a schedule but that doesn't always work.  I do get at least 64 oz of fluids in, 50 - 60g of Protein, and my three "no more than a medicine cup" of food in (most days).

I'm still not feeling hungry or full which is okay with me.  Following the nutr. sheet exactly.  I'm either having tuna w/ lite mayo, eggsalad w/ lite mayo, chicken w/ FF gravy, or refried beans.  I can't see to do eggs other than eggsalad.  I tried the Egg Beater and had some discomfort and today I tried a sunny side up but not runny chopped really fine (usually love it) and I felt an odd sensation after 2 tiny spoons so I stopped.  I guess I will put them on my...try again later list.

Down 22 lbs. and trying to walk every day.  It's amazing how much life really revolved around food.  It's a challenge trying to think of other things to do instead of going out to eat.

354/330/308/175
highest/surgery/current/goal 

 Did a bit too much yard work yesterday.  Push mowed a bit and used my small weed trimmer.  Today I had a small pinching feeling in my upper abdomen.  The doctor said it sounds like a muscle from over doing it and that I should wait until 4 weeks to try that again.  

Tonight for dinner I tried some egg beaters w/ low-fat shredded cheese.  It was great but I think I ate it too quickly or maybe a bit too much.  I didn't try to fit it in my medicine cup!  Having what feels like indigestion high up.  I hope it doesn't get too bad.

  Finally, some nice weather!  I went to the doctors on the 22 and had lost 11 lbs since my last weight there.  I was doing blended cream soups because I wasn't hungry and I was told not to do them.  They want me to follow their plan exactly so I am.  Had some mushy tuna w/ lite tuna, loved it.  I have tried the refried beans w/ a tiny bit of low-fat cheese on it.  That was good as well.  Going back to work Tuesday.  Going great so far. 

  It's amazing how a few days can make a person feel so much better.  That and no longer being constipated!  I was blessed with no pain but last night when I was laying on my left side there was a slight pinching feeling and I was afraid I was pinching my internal parts or that one of my air holes were going to blow.  So I propped my head up some more and got some sleep.  I have been trying the Unjury (sp?) protein samples that I bought...do not like them.  I tried some diet Snapple but it was toooo sweet even when I cut it half and half with water.  Chicken broth is going down really nice.  

I noticed the other day that when I was allowing myself to see if one of the soaps I use to watch had changed any that it seemed to trigger a head hunger.  I realized taht when we were always growing up it was a soap that my Mom watched and we would always eat lunch either right before or during it at 12:30.  I never thought of memories or really old habits could have such a food effect.  Strange...maybe it's all in my "head!"

Time to get ready for next week when once again, food of some very soft and mushy form can be consumed.  I'm almost afraid to do it.  Best of luck to everyone!! 

Monday was the day. I got there and everything went fine until they tried to put my IV in. Keeping in mind that my right wrist is where they did my catheterization and I had 3 puncture wounds already on my left from 2 IV's and a blown spot from Friday. The two nurses each tried one in each arm, no luck. They called the IV specialist..she stuck me once..no luck. So, the anesthesia team came in and tried my foot and 2 other spots. Finally, Jesus (I guess he was on my side literally) got one in my hand. It hurt like hell but was enough to put the meds into me to knock me out.

It has always been a fight coming out of anesthesia and this time wasn't any different. While I was out they did put a new IV in me and it was next to the arm pit on the outside of the arm, don't know if that makes any sense. I got to my room at 4:30 and by 6:30 I was sitting in one of those hospital chairs. By 7pm I was walking the halls and with no pain. I was light headed and hated the catheter but other than that I was doing pretty good. I took advantage of the pain pump to help me sleep in a new and crazy place. My older roommate was setting off buzzers all night long and had to get up and down constantly. My second day was similar. Up and walked, napped alot, no pain, people surprised how well I was doing but I felt like a dizzy balloon. I think I may have pushed it and around 8pm I got a bit of nausea and it kind of scared me because I was doing so well. They gave me some IV meds and after a nap I was better.

Wed morning they told me I could go home. (after their friendly suppository...which I was told later that they would let me go even if I didn't have a bowel movement. Once I was home it was strange because you don't have all the nurses around to help you and I began feeling a little sad because I feel weak and tired and afraid that I may not get in enough liquids and hoping I am doing things right. I took my first shower last night and when I saw myself naked I cried like a baby. I had the yellow-orange iodine stuff all over my belly and purple marker marks as if they let some child come in and draw roads on me while I was sleeping. Andy bruises..OMG...they must have tried a few more spots for the IV plus all the bruises from the heprin (sp) shots.

Today, feeling a little better. Still dizzy and weak and gassy. I still feel like I have a cold. I am trying to keep a written list of what I am doing and what my BP is so that I can take it with me to my Dr. next week to see what I need to do differently. The crushed meds in Jello this morning were very gross. Hopefully I can find some other way to take them. I pray this all gets better soon. Thank you for reading my blog and I hope that someday this will help others to know what they could possibly expect. So long for now....

MY HEART IS FINE!! SURGERY IS ON FOR MONDAY!!

Just a quick update. I have a cardiac catheterization scheduled for tomorrow. The out come of that will determine if my surgery Monday will be a go or not. I'm scared and I'm not even letting myself get excited about the surgery until I know for sure. Time will tell....

Oh my goodness...it has been a very long time since I have added anything here.  Let's see... my surgery is on May 12th.  I was sitting at my desk at work eating a gooey brownie that was forced on me (not) when I got the call.  How odd is that!  The same girl brought in her PMS gooey brownies again on the 1st ... which was my Pre-Op day.  Now she is telling me that she is going to be watching me carefully because now she is considering the surgery.

My daughter is now behind me 110%.  She works with a lady who had the surgery and it has changed her life so much.  It is wonderful to have her support.  I don't have much of a family support system other than her and my significant other of 12 years.  They will be there for me.

Upon my pre-op appt. I was told that when I had my nuclear scan in October that they hadn't never got the hard copy for the file so they just now found out that there was a section of my heart that was unclear on the scan.  They said that this could be from a deformity, lack of blood/oxygen to the heart or just my big boob.  (and you tell me now, 11 days before surgery)  They are trying to get me into a Cardiologist ASAP so they can see what he/she thinks before I they go ahead with the surgery.  Now I don't even dare think about the surgery until I know for sure I can have it!

I am a bit scared not knowing if something is wrong with my heart or not.  I believe that God brought me to this point and he will help me through it no matter what the results are.

So that's about it.  I am working 7 days a week, 8-10 hours a day just to get things caught up so I can relax if they go through with the surgery.  It would ideal if the Cardio person would just look at the pictures and determine without a doubt that it is just my fat boob in the way.  I hope for the best.  Time will tell. 

No, I'm not Martin Luther King....but I did have a dream.  I have been reading the book for emotional eating that a friend let me borrow (thanks Heather) and some things are really hitting home so to speak.  This morning as I was allowing myself to sleep in I had a dream ... my "significant" other was over and I was looking for something in my bedroom, he came in and asked if there was anything to much on,  I said, "Not that I know of, I don't have any money to buy anything, did you bring anything over?"  I then continued to look through every drawer and every corner of the closet looking for something sexy to wear for him.........nothing fit and I was so upset but it didn't matter because the clothes wouldn't make be feel sexy.  Then my daughter and her boyfriend came home and they weren't suppose to be here for hours.  This may not seem much to anyone but to me it did and let me tell you why.
1) I had no money....I never seem to have money.  It has always been an issue and I keep thinking about getting a better job but how can I sell myself if I look like I do? Who would want to hire me?
2) No clothes fitting me.  Everything is small or snug...it cost a fortune to by clothes in a 5X.  It's so depressing.
3) No sex drive since I have had my tubes and ovaries removed and it got worse when I had thyroid cancer.  I have no desire and no amount of sexy clothing will change that....but I try for him.  I just now am trying to come to terms with a deep seated secret that has been with me for years in this related area.
4) Have had some real issues with my daughter lately and trying to come to terms with why we are reacting to each other the way we do.  Between her and I there is an issue that we don't know exactly how to deal with but it is in the open.  There is a second issue with my "significant" other has helped me to realize and I am learning how to not change her but how to better dfeal with what I feel because of the things she does.  I know it sounds cryptic but it is a strange situation.  We have played around with the idea of her and her boyfriend (each 20) getting their own place but now that they each have a new car payment (while I drive around in a 1995 Geo Metro) it can't be done.  I am in need of "my" time and time to share with my "significant" other but there isn't much to have.

I felt depressed at first after this dream but then I thought I would make it work for me.  It was showing me that there are clear issues on my plate to work with.   (money, feeling better about my body and sexuality, self esteem, and my living situation to mention a few)  I took that dream and put it in here so I can look at it in black and white.  

My emotional eating is getting the best of me and I need to work it out.  Okay...I guess that is enough for today. 

OH HOW I CAN EAT................. am I crazy??  I have been eating like it's my last meal.  I have been waiting between bites (most of the time) and doing pretty good with the "no drinking" but I have been eating too much.  I know I have only had my first appointment but I figured, why not start now.  No body mentioned losing any certain amount of weight so I am just slowing things down a bit.  Going to the support groups has been great.  I have met some wonderful people (especially you Heather!!) and it is nice to share ideas with people.  The ones that have "been there, done that" are a great help to those of us waiting.  Home life is crazy and there is a lot of tension.  I have noticed a few times that I over eat or eat when I'm not hungry when the stress level is too high.  I need to find a comfortable way to deal with the stress.