Soul Hunger

Nov 21, 2010

Food filled my soul's hunger for my whole life.  I loved the feeling of a distended stomach, full beyond capacity.  It masked the void of love I felt in my life.  A very abused child, I ate to numb the physical and emotional pain.  Obsessive thoughts, many about food, kept my mind off the hell I was living through. 

I have overcome a lot in my life.  I have done my best to stop the cycle of abuse in my family.  I have turned in some of my abusers to the police.  I have tried to take some of the strength I gained through recovery to help other abused children through foster parenting.  Still, my soul hungers.

Unable to overcome obesity, I had WLS.  Daily, RNY forces me to behave as I must to lose weight.  It is working.  The soul hunger remains.  However, there is not enough room in my pouch to mask the pain of this love void that still lingers.  The unintended consequence of my WLS has caused me to reevaluate what is truly important to me, what is truly needed in my life.  The answers have shocked me.  It's as if my eyes have suddenly been opened and I can't believe what I am seeing. 

Instead of hating this void in my life, ignoring it, masking it, I have come to understand that it is a true need. After a horrific childhood of not having that need met, I came to believe that it was a personal flaw, that I was somehow defective or too wounded, that somehow it wasn't a need at all.  The void, the need had to be brought into submission either through prayer or discipline, or self-sacrifice.  Now I know it needs to be filled.  It is an important component of who I am.

Feeding and tending this need has not been easy.  I am still discovering all that must fit into this void.  Those closest to me are unaccustomed to this seemingly new need.  One very important person to me has withdrawn support, kindness, and even love, which makes my soul ache even more.  I am uncertain what this will eventually mean to that relationship, which scares me. 

Nevertheless, I am convinced that my decision for WLS has been the right one.  I feel like that missing piece of the puzzle has become attainable.  It is not simply losing weight and getting healthy, it is getting me.  I am becoming me.

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