Suzanne Gottschalk

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Some crazy shit has happened since I last wrote in August. It is a new year now, and finally through these last few months I am beginning to feel myself and more grounded in the madness. The day before Halloween, I found 300+ emails between my husband and another woman. I stayed with him another week until I got paid. I moved to the town where I work, which has been a heavenly change. I love not having to commute 1/2 hour every morning and night and it has been great. I have been extremely lonely and have been reminded of how strong my addictions are. I have gone from food to sex and sometimes I feel so extremely sick, emotionally. Physically I feel great. I have had virtually no complications except throwing up with foamies every now and then, which happens very very rarely now. I have lost 133 pounds totaly and am 31.somethin' BMI. My job has been extremely hard to do since I'm emotionally wounded. I know that I am finished with my husband, but he keeps calling to change his mind whether or not he will sign the divorce papers when I sign them. He says his love for me is undying and he, of course, always deserves another chance. I have dated 4 different people. The first 2 quit talking to me with no explanation, no nothing, this indicates maybe how sick I am. Or maybe how sick the guys I'm going after are. The 3rd guy went back to his wife. The 4th guy I'm on now...wow what a piece of work. Almost like a project. It scares me at times how he is paralelled with my husband. Both bipolar. Both have anger issues. The new one I have been seeing for a little over a week and he's saying he loves me. Now I ask, what is there not to love? Hmmm a lot. I'm broken inside and now I have this cute body that I really don't know what to do with. I know I'm worth more, but for some reason I am doing anything but shooting for the stars. I don't know how. I don't know what I'm worthy of, much less what I deserve. I know what I want...I want to be treated with love and respect, and be given the world if possible. If not, he will make it possible. I'm dreaming, but I feel like I deserve the best. It's my fault I'm not going after it. I honestly don't know where to look! Somebody help a sistah out :)

No longer am I "extremely obese!" Wow, was looking forward to this day totally. 39.9 BMI, baby! I've lost 77 pounds so far and look to lose about 100 more. I feel so good and can't believe I ever let myself get so big. I occasionally have the foamies in which I need to vomit, but other than that my journey is going wonderfully. I am on call this week for work and I've actually had a great week. It could've been so much worse. No all-nighters. I imagine God has a lot to do with it. I have 2 lectures tomorrow and KNOW for a fact that I will be okay! Anxiety used to eat me alive, but now that I'm more secure in myself, I am so much more confident. It is an amazing feeling. Its like I care deeper, love more...didn't think that was possible, but it is! My daughter and I are getting closer and closer, it is amazing. I felt so stressed before I had surgery and everything was an imposition. Now, its like I can handle the stress and will be a better person for the stress I do have. More to come...

It is hard to believe that 3 short weeks ago I was laying in the hospital after RNY. I have lost 23 pounds since surgery, 44 altogether, and I feel so stinkin' good! I am getting used to my C-PAP machine again. They took me off of it while I was in the hospital for fear it would cause a rupture. It seemed to take me forever to get used to it again. I think last night was the first night I wore it the entire time. I had a heck of an average too - 100% for over a month! Well that's been blown to shreds. LOL I'm competing with myself. Good times.

My job is a lot less stressful since I now have all of the paperwork down. I have energy to keep up with the patients and then some. I fit in my chair at my desk better. People at work have been commenting that they know I'm losing weight. I am so thankful that I am in a caring environment again at work. I really missed it the several months I floundered outside of substance abuse counseling. Even before that it wasn't good...lets say a good 18 month stint I was uncomfortable. For now, at least, I feel like I belong.

I messed up my dates on when to eat what and started trying eggs wayyy too early! They got stuck so bad I had chest pain. OW. Now I enjoy my yogurt and cottage cheese like crazy. Still so sick of protein drinks. I bought store brand stuff to shake it up - yuck! They literally make me gag and worry me if I will be able to get all of my protein in, because I haven't been lately. That's all I can think of! Ta ta :)

I have my surgeon consult tomorrow morning 5/23/11! I can't believe I've almost arrived...it seems like it's taken so stinking long. It's been 8 months total since I had my first surgeon consult and I've grow emotionally, at least! My new job demands that I am accountable 100% of the time and I think reminding myself of how disciplined I can be is only going to help me with my weight loss goals. It was in me all along, but now I'm just demanded to be in good working order all of the time. I get rewarded for being on top of everything and it isn't things that come naturally to me, either. This is the most well put-together rehab I've ever worked for and I feel like I'm at home. Everything flows together for the patients, and there is a high level of satisfaction for alumni. I feel I am in the best possible environment for my beliefs and values in regard to professional behavior.

Having said all of that, I am excited that I get to embark upon this new journey, a journey of self discovery and ample rewards, this week. Remind me of this please when I am struggling with not eating real food! I will struggle, but with the grace of God, I believe I can accomplish the liquid diet. I will be praying a LOT I'm sure!

I have physician consult 5/23 and my surgery will be on 6/7/11!!!! I am so excited. I pushed it out a month due to the fact that I just started a new job. I am so excited, I can't hardly stand myself. I have lots going on, so I will write more later. God bless!

I'm approved for surgery and waiting on a date. The surgical team is looking through my chart to be sure everything is in order. I am so ready. I just got a new job that I am very excited about!!! I'm a substance abuse counselor once again. It truly is my niche and I can finish my masters without getting a practicum job on top of 40 hours a week. Thank you LORD! I am so ready to start my life, again. The depression has really taken over since I've been working this current job. 2 days left, Thursday and Friday and I'm done with it! I am so happy, I bought such pretty things last night for my new office. Pillows, curtains, and lamps - all to give my office that beautiful homey touch to make people feel comfortable enough to air their dirty laundry with me. I'm so excited. Crushed taffeta curtains - dark red - so beautiful!
So I've got lots of exciting changes going on! God bless :)

I attended my first appointment with the educational department of my bariatric office today. I have 3 months of meetings and "medically supervised weight loss. I was somewhat disheartened because I thought I started with my appointment back in November. Gosh, I'm SO freakin' ready for this and now 3 more months and another or 2 before surgery...I was really hoping to look at least a little lighter by my 20th high school reunion this summer. I guess I'll have to focus on school and learning how to use my damn c pap machine. It is frustrating, but I am not going to quit trying or drop out of the program. They were worried about my anxiety today, which is also annoying, because I am working VERY closely with my psychiatrist to see to it that I am doing great on my meds. I don't like the look I got from the doctor when he asked, "no, really, how is your PTSD?" Oh well. So I bought myself a pair of flats from sinistersoles.com and that made me feel better :) Yeah, I'm aware of the addiction component, bite me.
Anyway, this can go nowhere but down. Later.

I have another appointment Monday with Missouri Bariatric Associates at MU. I am not nervous, I deem it as just jumping through another hoop in this process. I was informed that this was my last appointment before scheduling surgery. I may not be going with Dr. Richardson. I know there are about 4 doctors in the office, and Dr. Richardson did not necessarily rock my world...I wasn't impressed. No attitude intended, I just want to like the person I will be working with.
Looking at my dates, my first blog post was 11/14/10, a little over 2 months ago. I guess that is not too long, but being right here in the middle of it feels like it has taken forever. I have been considering this surgery for at least 3 solid years.
The surgery and specifically after care and the post op diet has taken up so much of my thoughts and time...which I am okay with. I am fully aware of what I have to do during and after the surgery to be healthy, so it certainly will not be a surprise. In fact I bought a bunch of Carbmaster yogurt tonight and some protein powder online to give it a try (make sure I can physically remember to add protein!) and I think I really like it. The powder is tolerable, however I'll get the right kind next time, the whey isolate. I'm sure it will taste better than the nutty hemp protein that I bought, being my tree hugger self :)
Simply stated, I CAN'T WAIT. I feel so ready for this new adventure in my life! So ready to go shopping for some smaller sizes.
The thought provoking part is - I am so sick of thinking of myself as a number or a size. I will embark upon fashion faux pauxs because I will be wearing big baggy clothes, like I've always liked. From the time I was 15 or 16 years old, I've loved to wear my older brothers clothes and boyfriends' clothes :) (Weird like that!)
 

Okay, so last time I wrote, I was completely frustrated. I have found my patience since, completing my 2nd sleep study and looking forward to my appointment on the 24th!

The sleep study to calibrate the nasal mask was horrific. Not only am I claustrophobic, I have always dreamt of having my air supply cut off. I thought I was going to die. I panicked and actually went into a panic attack...then the sleep tech wouldn't let me wuss out. So I gasped and coughed and settled down into something resembling sleep. I lived. I still have glue in my hair, but I lived.

I am wanting to start an Atkins diet tomorrow. I've had it with gaining a little bit here and a little bit there. I am SO tired of being fat. I know it won't come off easily or quickly - and I don't want it to. Same with the surgery, I realize it's not magical and will NOT solve my problems. The beauty part is: I am well. Mentally. I can condition myself to health. First mentally, second physically. I will follow through. I will make mistakes, but I will make it. I am ready.

I'm not sure when my surgery will be, I am frustrated to a point with that, still. I guess it is MO HealthNet insurance. Who knows. Just as long as I don't go to my work insurance before the surgery. I am not willing to start again. I wouldn't be too keen on it. I guess I'd live and keep the choices I've made. I just really am hoping for low complications. I expect some, really, from all I've read. However my best friend is a RN (love my Jules!), and she may not realize it, but I will be asking her for advice and help in what to do when ___ happens.

I am also doing better on here, even posting a successful question on the boards. Wow, this is such a supportive environment. I've known that and felt at home for the 2+ years I've been a member...it's just more real now. I guess you can't get support if you don't ASK FOR IT, huh? LOL I'm a mess.

So I'm pissed.
I've been denied because of non-participation or not following the doctor's orders. WHATEVER! I've been going to appointments and following everything they've said to a "T."
I have a 2nd sleep study this coming Thursday. I DO have sleep apnea. I knew that. I need a c-pap machine. Yay. So I'm under the understanding that they will be calibrating the machine so I can take it home (?)
I'm frustrated to the point of wanting to quit, however it's just a hurry-up-and-wait situation. I won't quit, my conscience won't let me. I will be skinny someday...