tatsgram923

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It's been awhile since I posted here because I've been hiding in my own head. First off, I'm down 60 lbs andnow weigh 159lbs from 233. It's not easy but it's been worth it all. For Christmas most people get presents and goodies, this year I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. I've been just going about life as much as normal, accept for the headaches (I now have migraines too) and dizziness. My balance is wonky and I feel like I'm unsteady a lot of the time but I won't give in and I'm still living as if though the tumor isn't there. The tumor is benign and that's good but it's there and that bothers me mentally. I'm still going to try and keep my weightloss going because I worked so hard to get here but the tumor is a hard thing to deal with. I don't want sympathy, I just want to go on living my best life!

I cannot believe that's it's already been 4 months since I was "reborn". I'm down now from 233lbs to 188lbs at this point, wearing a size 16 from a 22 and feeling a lot better health wise. Then comes the "con" of things and yes there is a downside to the new life.

The first would be "not wanting to eat anything because nothing is exciting anymore" and yes I mean this ...nothing taste like a WOW anymore. To me now eating is just a pain in the butt, now I have to eat food 5-6 times a day. It's more of a job than a pleasure anymore.

The second con is that I don't see myself as different even though the scale is telling me that I'm different now. It would be great if I could see Brenda as a size 16 woman but my eye's can only see the old me. Looking in the mirror I see a slight change but nothing like the scale is reflecting.

There's time that I ask myself "what the hell have you done to yourself", now don't get me wrong because I chose to do this and I thank God that I did it (and I really don't miss food that much).  I think it's seeing it all now out of a 63 year olds set of eye's. I can't run, walking is difficult because of the aches and pain on my body(the doctor told me that my body is recalculating to adjust to the weight loss), not to mention that I have fibromyalgia to deal with too. I'm just feeling more pain than I can remember in a long time. Reading this has enlightened me to why I'm feeling weird about the change, it's letting me know how bad my body really was before the surgery! 

This morning I had to go to my local grocery store pharmacy to pick up a prescription but I forgot my photo ID card, so I had to sit and wait for my husband. As I'm sitting and waiting I realized "I'm surrounded by food and goodies". Prior to surgery, I would've just walked around and found something to snack on but now 1 week post op, that option is gone!! Where the hell am I and why do I feel like a stranger in a strange land. I can't relate to or eat anything here(don't get me wrong I don't miss it because I'm not hungry) but I feel like I just buried an old friend who knew me so well and cared for me. Now who am I and what am I without my old friend.... I'm lonely but ready to make my new friend called Ms. Healthy!

OMG, the first few days had me asking myself "what the hell have you done to yourself?'  The incision wounds on my stomach were super sore and tender, the bruises on my arms from various IV'S ...I felt like I had been kicked in the gut by a full grown mule.

Now 6 day's out, I still have tender spots on my tummy but I'm getting around much better and drinking more than I thought I could. It's getting better and I'm so happy that part of the journey is over with. On to the next phase called "LIVING!'

I'm 48 hours post-op and right now I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach by a giant mule. Now I'm forcing down the many 2 oz cups of water, taking my half protein shake in between and praying this will all be worth it in the end. My doctor keeps saying that I won't have "the dramatic weightloss that I orgininally had" (which concerns me) but I didn't go through all of this for nothing and I'm going to prove him wrong. I'm dying to get back in the gym and to exercising again. He's going to owe me an apology! Thanks for all the support and prayers.

Last week , I got a call from my surgeons office asking me would I like to move my Revision surgery up from August 26th to August 11th. Do I have to tell you what I said....LOL So now things are getting to feel real now and I'm getting ready to go , doing my pre-testing stuff this week and praying all goes well for next week. I worked so hard to get here again(I started my 2nd/rebirth journey in 2019) and it's really about to happen. God is truly good!

Finally, I've got a bypass revision date and it's August 26th of this year. I'm so excited but also nervous, I'm not as young as I was the first time and I'm just hoping things will be alright this time. Why I'm stressing, I'm not sure but I am....afterall this is what I wanted? Maybe it's the going back to the liquid diet, the soft foods, protein shakes and vitamins again. This time though, I'm going to focus on doing it right, the insurance won't give me another chance so it's gotta be "the second time is the charm!" I'm more dedicated to making this a lifetime change (instead of a 100 lb change and return to our old ways),maybe the nerves are coming from not knowing if I'll be a success this time. No matter how positive we are going into things, the proof is going to be in the doing. My world is about to change again and I want it to be for the rest of my life, I did keep most of the weight off for almost 20 years and if I did it once....I'll do it again!

I had my first behavioral specialist visit and that was really enlightening. She asked me to tell her how my childhood was and of course the childhood molestation came up (at age 8-14) I was molested by a family friend and that's never an easy topic ,but over the years I've come to terms with it and know that it wasn't my fault. Then she asked me "how did you feel after your surgery and the comments about the new you"? I told her "I hated the comments because I became the attention of men" and suddenly I was thrown back into a world that I felt uncomfortable in, men saw me differently , I knew that they were attracted to me and I HATED IT! My weightloss wasn't about becoming a "piece of ass" for another man but that's how they saw the new me.

Then it dawned on me and I had to ask myself "did I do this to me again on purpose (my original attempt to frustrate my molester was to get as fat as possible, make myself unattractive and maybe he'd leave me alone), so did I do this to myself again? Was the new me so uncomfortable in that new body that she chose to run and hide behind the "fat suit" that protected her from being seen as attractive to anyone? At our next meeting I have to explain to her that the realization has hit me of what I did and knowing this now, the next time will be different. This time I'll deal with the pain and fear before being given the "new me back."

Today was my first group dietician appointment, we learned the do's and don't of weightloss surgery. It was like hearing it all over again after 20 years (I knew many of the things still). Met some other really nice folks in the group , got to chat with them about "the surgery being great but the real success has to come from the brain!"Taking the addict out of the drug house and reforming them into a sober person, I know I have to put in the work and that no one's going to do it for me. How do you avoid our drug of choice "FOOD?" Will I ever be able to get along with it or will it forever hold me hostage....the battle has begun !

My goal after failing from my original Roux-En-Y in 2003 and regaining weight is to have a revision and try to get back to being healthier again at age 62. Right now I'm disgusted with myself and hate the way that I let myself become again. 

My BMI is 41 and the last time my BMI was this high was in 1998! My body is falling apart, legs, back and knees ache, all the weight related fun things have returned and I'm miserable. Then in 2018 I lost my 35 year old son to obesity related issues and then I really didn't care about anything and gave up . I'm still reeling from this loss and may never recover, but I need to recover my health because I have to carry this extra weight around and I know he wouldn't want this for me. Then I have a 9 year old grandson who has also inheirited the negative obesity gene and I'm so afraid for him (he reminds me of the son I lost so much). I'm terrified for his health, he already has high cholesterol and if I don't get my act together, how I can't help him with his?

I know I can do this and I'm about to start classes again to hopefully be approved for a revision and another chance at life, I'm old but I'm not ready to give it all up just yet.