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I dont know what's wrong with me today. I feel horrible. I feel like nothing has changed and I still weigh 343 pounds!!! What's wrong with me? I checked the scale this morning. It did say 206 so I know I have lost the weight. This is just all in my head. I think my period is coming so that is messing with me too. I know I have come so far, but I still feel so far away. My goal is 165, but now I am wondering if that's too high. So then I said my goal is 160, but that seems too low. So confused! My loose skin is really starting to bother me too. I am always looking at it and feeling it. I haven't been working out like I used to so maybe that has something to do with it too. My mind is playing tricks on my today and I don't like it. Anyone else having one of those days? Blah!

It's been 4 1/2 months since my RNY. I have lost 90 pounds and now I feel like I have reached my first stall. I haven't lost anything in a week and I am freaking out! I keep wondering is this it? Is this as far as I am going to go? Will I never reach my goal? Was going through this surger all for nothing? Gosh, this is scary. I know people say up your protein or your calories to jumpstart your loss again, but I am scared to. I don't want to eat more because I am afraid that will lead to overeating again and I will gain weight. I never thought that I would be the type of person who literally watched everything I ate, but I am. Granted I have had some things not approved by my surgeon (like a coupld bites of potato salad or a piece of pizza) but really I consider EVERYTHING that goes in my mouth. I know I have to stop weighing everyday, because it's driving me crazy!!!! I have to stop comparing myself to other people on this site! Do other people do that. Just today I was looking at a woman who weighed 2 more pounds than I did and had surgery a week after I did. She's lost 12 more pounds than I have and that freaks me out. I feel like what I am doing wrong?!?!?!?! Can not eating be a transfer addiction? I haven't done that, but I feel like I want to just stop until I lose some more weight. I was told by some friends that I needed to see a counselor or something for other issues, and now I think they are right because I seem to be loaded with issues. I am very happy for the weight that I have already lost, I just hope it's not over!!!

Two weeks ago I was under anesthesia and under going a RNY surgery. Wow, can't believe it's over and I have made it through to the other side. How do I feel? For the most part really good. My energy level is good. I am not too tired. Today is my first day back to work so I am excited to be back. Very excited that a couple people told me I look like I lost some weight (I didn't tell anyone pre-surgery what kind of surgery I was having). I have told them since I have been back. I am still a little sore on my left side. Do I miss eating??? Hell yea! I was at a funeral luncheon this weekend and my daughter ordered a grilled chicken pannini and fries, then yesterday she had a taco dinner. Good gracious I would have killed for both of those meals. It's sad, it's definitely like a loss when everyone is sitting around eating dessert and I am sitting there waiting until I can take a drink after I ate part of my scoop of chicken salad. I am mourning food. I am not hungry at all which I am thankful for but in my head I want what everyone else is having. I know that this was a good decision for me and that I am going to be healthier. I want to be that person who eats to live, not lives to eat. I am getting there. I am a work in progress.

I can't believe me surgery is only 5 days away. I am getting horrible resistance from my mother. She is worried that I am going to die and would rather me stay the way I am. She says that if I am going to do this I should have lap band rather than RNY. I have decided that RNY is a better surgery for me, the way I eat and the amount weight I need to lose. Anyway, hasn't been easy to get all her negative emails. I am very excited and can't wait to be on the losers bench.

I just received my approval letter. Three days from my 38th birthday.....best present ever. I was hoping to have surgery before the end of the year, but the doctors office told me that they are scheduled into January already . Still very very excited!!!!

So I weighed in yesterday (my six month diet and exercise program) and I lost 12.5 pounds. I got an email from the coordinator of the BMI program saying that they will be working on submitting my paperwork next week. Yeah! Pray...pray....pray for an approval. Yeah. Another step in the long winding road.

Good News....

So I went into the Drs office to weigh in for my required 6 month diet and exercise program per BCBS. I am now three months along (halfway there). Good news the nurse tells me......BCBS has changed their requirement. You only have to do three months diet and exercise. I can send your paperwork to the insurance company tomorrow. GREAT!!!!!!

Bad news....

I f*&#ing gained 5.5 pounds!!!!! The nurse can't submit my paperwork because I gained weight!!!! I am so pissed!!!!!

Good news....

I have to go back to the doctor in a month if I can lose 10 pounds by October 15th I can get my paperwork submitted then. So instead of having my paperwork submitted in December I can get it submitted in October....its all up to me at this point.

I am almost three months into my required by BCBS 6 month diet and exercise program and I have lost 1/2 a pound so far. I am totally not motivated to try to lose weight right now and I dont know why. I have to lose at least ten pounds to even have my surgeon send the paperwork to BCBS to get approval. I know I want this, why can't I get motivated????? I know I can lose ten pounds no problem if I really try. The second I say I am on a diet I feel so deprived I can hardly stand it. I always feel hungry. I know this is just in my brain, but how do I stop this cycle? I am going to start journaling tomorrow. I have to get this weight off by December and it would be great if I could get more off, but 10 pounds is my goal. I know that it is acheivable. Thanks for listening.

Well, I have seen the cardiologist, the psychologist and I see the pulmonologist on Sept 1. I have had psych evals, an EKG, stress tests and a PFT. I am two months into my 6 month diet and exercise program equired by BCBS. I gathered all the medical records that my surgeon's office said I would need to submit to BCBS for approval. So....now I am waiting. Waiting and really wanting to be on the losing side. I did finally confide with someone at work that was in the pre-op testing phase to have gastric bypass and she was so excited for me. Trust me that was such a welcome change from the reception I am getting at home from my friends and family. She told me that anytime I needed to talk about it to let her know. That meant so much to me I just about cried. Anyway, I was on YouTube and found a few people with video blogs documenting their journey with WLS. These have been both encouraging and definitely eye opening. I thank these people (Taunia and Amelia) for letting the rest of us in on their journey (both the good parts and the bad). That's all for now. Thanks for listening.

I was just on the phone my friend and I shared some before and after pictures with her and she told me that there is no reason why any of us are overweight (Both of my best friends are overweight). She knows that I am in the pre-op testing process right now. So she then tells me that I need to stop this surgery thing, jump on a treadmill and eat an apple! Well gee, if it was that easy, don't you think I would have done that??????? She also tells me that I am going to lose all this weight then gain it all back. Thanks. UGH. I have absolutely no support from my very best friends or my 13 year old daughter. I don't know what to say. I have no response so I just kind of sat there on the other end of the phone in stunned silence. This has not been an easy decision and I still believe in my heart that it is the right one.

Totally bummed and feeling all alone