February 29, 2012

Feb 28, 2012

The day that is not supposed to be on the calendar but is.

Today I am okay health-wise except for battling chronic fatigue.  Only two months before my five year anniversary of the gastric bypass.  As of Monday, I weight 128.5 and I am trying to lose ten lbs.  I feel better at 115-118 and my size six pants are too tight in the middle!  I walk daily for 30 minutes at 4 mph and I am trying to workout at the gym with dumb-bells once a day but sometimes I am just too tired to do it.  Last night I went home and slept two hours before I had enough energy to make dinner.

Bill has been diagnosed with rectal cancer.  He is going through chemo and radiation in preparation for surgery at the end of April.  He is very tired, weak and having a hard time dealing with that.  I try to be supportive but I don't know what to say to him.   Financially we are okay but it sucks that I cannot just take some time off to REST or relax because I might need that time to stay home with him if he gets worse.  We don't worry about death.  We worry about being disabled.

My kids are doing okay I guess....at least they are not calling with any crises...but then they know I don't have the emotional energy to deal with their problems at the moment.  I will be sailing along feeling fine and happy and then suddenly feel like crying.   Hot flashes coming back and I am supposed to be past menopause, damn it!    Taking vaginal suppository that is supposed to help but doesn't really.  All it does is make me feel less "dry" and sore.

I am grateful I had bypass.  I am grateful for this website, support of my friends and family, and for the health I do have.   I guess I want it all!   I want health, ENERGY, JOY, and most of all the assurance that I will have Bill with me for another 20 years.   But maybe that is being selfish.  Maybe I am asking for too much.....I just don't know anymore.

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