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Youtube channel

May 05, 2011

Well as part of my journey I started a youtube channel.  Check it out and subscribe if you like. :)  I know I'm not all that interesting but it might be fun! LOL

http://www.youtube.com/user/RNYinONTARIO?feature=mhum
2 comments

Respirologist in the morning.

Apr 28, 2011

Well tomorrow is my appointment with the respirologist to find out the results of my sleep study.   They told me that I have sleep apnea but I don't know if I need a CPAP or not.  It's D-Day tomorrow.  I am crossing all my fingers and toes that I don't need the CPAP machine.

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Well it turns out that I do need a CPAP machine.  I stop breathing 49 times/hour and have concious wakefulness 16 times per night.  No wonder I'm so bloody tired!!!  I have my appointment to get my CPAP on May 19th.  Thankfully my insurance covers it!  They are expensive!


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I got the call...not the one I was hoping for though.

Apr 06, 2011

My aunt, who has been sick for about a year now, passed away yesterday morning.  I am heartbroken for her children because their dad died suddenly about 11 years ago.  I can't imagine how it feels to lose both of your parents.  They are adults, both hovering around 30 years old, but it has to be so hard.  It was also my little guy's 7th birthday yesterday so I struggled with my happy face the whole day because I didn't want this to ruin his birthday.  I don't want him to remember it as the day she died  so I didn't tell him.  I don't know if I should.  He has only met her once or twice and I'm not sure he'd even remember her.  I am glad that she isn't in pain anymore but I am extremely saddened to lose her.  We knew it was coming but it's still a big blow to my heart.

I also spoke to Krista yesterday and all she said was that I was looking at a May date but she didn't know when yet.  So no answers there. 


11 comments

Give me strength....

Apr 04, 2011

I feel like I want to crawl under a rock and cover my ears and make the world around me disappear.  I don't usually have a hard time with stress but I just feel like I can't breathe.  My beloved Grandmother is in the hospital, she's been there for almost 3 weeks with no indication of being released any time soon.  My favorite aunt has been battling cancer for the last year and today we were told that they don't think she'll make it through the night.  I don't know how in the hell I will go to a funeral when I can't (won't) take my kids with me.  I will be sad forever if I can't say my final goodbyes.  I just want to close my eyes and pretend that this isn't happening but I can't.  I have so much on my mind that yesterday in the shower I forgot to rinse the conditioner out of my hair.  I got out of the shower, put a towel on my head and carried on with other things.  20 minutes later I took the towel off, started to brush out my hair and noticed that something was weird.  I touched my hair and it's full of conditioner.  I can't believe I did that.  Thankfully I didn't have anywhere to be.  So now I sit here and wait for a different kind of phone call, one that won't bring me good news or hope.  I don't want the phone to ring because I am afraid of what call it will be.
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It's been 2 weeks!!! :(

Mar 30, 2011

It's been two long weeks since I met the surgeon and I still don't have a date yet.  I feel like I've been forgotten about.  Krista said I would hear within a few days, yet here I sit, 14 days later and I still haven't heard a thing.  I called and left a message yesterday because I had a question about seeing the respirologist for my CPAP but no one has called me back.  I don't want to keep pressing them but I feel like I've lost momentum.  I have tried to stay optomisitic throughout this process and take the curve balls when they are thrown at me but for some reason I am having a hard time right now.  I don't want to seem whiney, I am just having a "down" day today.  
1 comment

Met the surgeon.

Mar 18, 2011

Yesterday was a big day!  I met Dr. Hong in the morning and had the surgical class in the afternoon.  I got my prescriptions for the Optifast and vitamin K filled for pre-op but didn't fill the post of stuff.  I'll do that once I have the surgery.  I signed a bunch of papers acknowledging that I understand the surgery and he signed them too.  I won't know who's actually doing the surgery until that day.  The papers say that the surgeon is "Anvari/Hong".  It depends who is on that day.  So now I wait for Krista to call so I can start my 3 weeks of Optifast.  Oh lord, how am I going to get through that?!  I know I'll manage but that part is stressing me out!  lol

I was lucky to meet Tata2, Tammy G., and Joy D. while I was there!  It was so great to meet you all!  I hope our paths cross again soon!   


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What I am most afraid of.

Mar 09, 2011

Through this entire process I have had one major fear.  The fear that my husband won't like my body once it changes.  What if he isn't attracted to me anymore?  I don't think I could handle that.  I was talking to my best friend the other night and I finally told her what I am afraid of.  The next thing I know, I am sobbing at the thought of my husband's feelings for me changing.  Tonight my husband was joking around and said that we should have a whole lot more sex before surgery just in case he doesn't like what I look like afterwards.  Well, that just crushed me.  Hearing him saying what I am most afraid of made me realize that he's thought about it too.  He doesn't understand why I don't see my body the way he does.  He loves it, I hate it.  So after a long talk (and a little nookie ) I feel much better about it.  He says he'll love me no matter what I look like as long as I am happy with myself.  I don't know how I got so lucky.  Growing up I never thought I would find someone who loves me like he does and I am so blessed to have him.  He is my rock and I love him more every day.  
1 comment

What an eye opener!

Mar 07, 2011

Today I saw the internist.  She was really nice and she went over my medical history with me.  She was going over my blood work results and I was shocked by the results.  Turns out I am pre-diabetic, marginal high LDL cholesterol but my HDL is ok.  I have not tested with high blood sugar until now, except when I was pregnant and had gestational diabetes.  On the bright side she said I don't have to do anything about it because the surgery will resolve it completely.  It was just a real eye opener.  If I hadn't of started this process I may have gone a long time before discovering the diabetes.  I had my gastroscope later on in the afternoon.  It was awful.  I could feel them jamming the scope down my throat but I couldn't tell them to stop.  They do so many in there it's like you are being herded like cattle.  Get 'em in, get 'em out.  But I survived it and I am home now.  I meet the surgeon and go to the surgical class next Thursday!  So fast!   I did my sleep study last night.  I'll upload the gorgeous pics of that tomorrow.   
1 comment

When did I become so blind???

Feb 27, 2011

I don't know why I have such a hard time seeing just how fat I am sometimes.  I know I feel fat, but sometimes I don't think I look as bad as it is.  Is it denial?  Is it partial blindness?  Is it delusion?  Sometimes I think that I don't look too bad...then someone takes a picture or I walk past a mirror or a reflective glass window and get a full view of myself and I am mortified.  Is that really how people see me?  Maybe they only see the part that doesn't look so bad.  Ya right!  I haven't looked at my weight since I was pregnant with my youngest son in 2007.  When I go to the doctor I stand backwards on the scale and tell him to just write it down, I don't want to know.  When the nurse at St. Joe's weighed me last week, I had no other choice but to look a the numbers on that industrial sized scale.  When it flash the terrifying # of 160kgs I could feel my knees buckle.  I started doing the math in my head more quickly than I could keep up with...ok 160 times 2.2 = what?? What does that equal?  Ok, 160 times 2 = 320 so I am more than 320lbs!  This was my inner dialogue as the nurse spit out the awful truth, 352 POUNDS!  I am officially 2 people!  What the hell is wrong with me?  No wonder my feet hurt, my knees, my hips, my back.  I will never tell my husband how much I weigh.  He loves me just the way I am but I am afraid that if he hears that number that he will judge me.  He is the best thing that ever happened to me and I feel like I would be putting him in a position where he would have to face the awful truth.  He's married to a fattie.  He is married to a woman that has been in denial about her weight for so long that now I need surgery to help me.  I can only pray that he doesn't see the glares from people when they see us out together.  He isn't overweight at all, how did I get him to love me?  What does he possibly see in her?  I know that's what they are thinking.  I know it is because I have been guilty of thinking that of other people.  Guilty.  
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The ball is officially in motion...

Feb 23, 2011

I met with the nurse, dietician and social worker at St. Joe's today.  They were all very nice.  I have to get a sleep study done sometime in the near future and I go back on March 7th for my endoscope and to meet the internist.  They originally told me that I'd have to wait a couple of months to see the internist but they just happened to have a cancellation for the same day as my scope...in 12 days!!! Yay!   I can't believe it's so soon.  I am pretty happy.  I have to go get  my vitamins and I can't have any booze or caffeine from here on in.  Not a big deal.  I was sitting in that room with the nurse and the dietician it it got real all of a sudden.  This is really going to happen...crazy! 
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About Me
Sudbury, XX
Location
26.7
BMI
RNY
Surgery
05/30/2011
Surgery Date
Mar 04, 2010
Member Since
Before & After
rollover to see after photo
Smiling, but not happy.
359lbs
6 years later...enjoying every day!
190lbs
Friends 62
Latest Blog 40
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