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Heading to Hamilton tomorrow.

Feb 21, 2011

It's finally here, my appointments with the nurse, dietician and social worker are in 2 short days at St. Joe's.  My husband and I are leaving the kids with my parents and heading down tomorrow and staying in a hotel.  I am so excited, it's been a long process so far.  I just want to see the light at the end of this never-ending tunnel. :)
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My emotional cost of obesity.

Feb 09, 2011

I have been overweight my entire life.  At least as far back as I can remember.  I have had great friends over the years but now I am barely in contact with anyone that used to be important to me.  I never thought that I would find myself in a place where Facebook is my primary contact method with people whom I once considered a part of my family.  I have been trying to figure out why my friends have all deserted me but it comes down to one thing.  ME.  I am the common denominator in all of it.  Sure, we all grow up, move on, start our own families.  But over the course of my adult life I have built a wall around me that has effectively alienated me from everyone except my immediate family. I don't want to keep people at arm's length anymore. I don't make new friends easily anymore either.  I meet new people all the time but I just can't seem to let the wall down enough to form a real friendship.   I think I am trying to protect my feelings.  While I loved all of my old friends dearly, I was so unbelievably jealous of them at the same time.  They were all thin, beautiful, had boyfriends, got married long before me.  I have always known that my weight affected me emotionally but cutting my friends and relatives out of my life was completely accidental.  I see my relatives but only when I have to and it's never more than an obligatory "hello" or "pass the stuffing please".  This year is going to be a life changer for me.   I am going to have RNY and that will change my physical appearance.  I am also going to tear down this wall around my heart that I have built up over the years.  I knew that I was going to have to brace myself for the physical changes associated with this surgery and subsequent weight loss, what I didn't bank on was the emotional change too.  Make sure you tell the people closest to you that you love them.  There may come a time when it's not that easy.
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My 6 year old broke my heart.</3

Jan 29, 2011

My 6 year old said something tonight that hurt so badly, he might as well just put a dagger in my heart.  We were playing and goofing around and my husband scooped up our 6 year old and 3 year old and flung them over his shoulder to take them up for their nightly bath.  My 6 year old said "mommy is too big and fat to carry us".  OUCH.  It took everything in me to not cry.  I layed on my bed with him after his bath and we talked about it.  I asked him if he knew that those words hurt my feelings.  He said that he didn't know that it was hurtful.  So in my son's eyes I am big and fat and he was just stating a fact.  My initial reaction was to be angry, I had to stop and think and remember that he wasn't trying to hurt me.  But boy, did he ever!  My appoinment with the nurse, dietician and social worker is in 3 weeks.  I really need this process to speed up.  I wonder if begging will help them schedule my future appointments in a more timely manner.  


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Dear January 1st.

Jan 01, 2011

Good morning January 1st.  We have met several times before and usually I greet you by making promises that I don't keep.  This year will be different.  I will not make promises, resolutions or game plans that will heavily rely on my own will power.  I have tried that for too long and we both know that it won't work.  So my friend, January 1st, this year I am going to live my life without the feeling of failure that comes with broken resolutions.  I will live my life and if I screw up I will face the consequences.  I will not leave my fate to my own will power.  I know change is in the cards this year and I will embrace it whole heartedly. 

Happy New Year! 
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Can't wait til the new year.

Dec 09, 2010

I am really looking forward to the new year.  I have a stomach ultrasound booked in January, I have to go for my bloodwork and EKG at the same time.  Then I have to wait until February 23 until I see the Nurse, Dietician and Social Worker at St. Joe's.  It seems so far away but it's only 9 weeks.  I am taking 2 semesters off school so I can focus on my family and my surgery without distraction.  Part of me feels guilty about that.  I have been going to college for the past 2 years, this is my last year but I am pushing it back so I can do this surgery.  Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy New Year to all.  :)
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Had my orientation class this morning.

Nov 22, 2010

Well this morning was my official start in this journey I think.  I had my orientation class at St. Joe's today.  There was about 15 people there, plus support people and 4 speakers.  One of the speakers was a patient who had her bypass last December and has lost 147lbs.  While she was talking about her journey and the benefits of this surgery I found myself tearing up.  She was talking about things that she likes to do with her kids now and how much healthier she is and I was so emotional about it for some reason.  We heard the nurse, a dietician and a pharmacist tell us the ins and out of this procedure and what we can expect before and after the surgery.  I have a huge pet peeve though...I HATE it when people come in late!!!  Not just a few minutes late, a couple of people were over 45 minutes late.  Then they try to squeeze into an already full room, disrupt the people who are speaking, distract the people who are listening and waste all of our time on questions that have already been answered.  I just wanted to scream.  But now these people will no doubt get their surgery before me because that's the way my luck works.  Oh well, on the bright side, I have to call Krista on Wednesday to get her to book my next appoinment...hold on tight!  Here we go!!!

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I am running out of excuses....

Nov 14, 2010

I was invited to yet another function where I would see people that I haven't seen in years.  I declined the invitation because I just can't bring myself to let them see me like this.  I want to go, I want to see them but it's just too painful for me to sit there and watch people's faces when they see how much weight I've gained.  My orientation class is next Monday and I want to get this ball rolling.  I am afraid of being thin.  That doesn't make sense, but I am.  I have never been thin and I am afraid of what I'll look like.  I don't think I'll be unhappy with it, I just don't know what to expect.  All these thoughts and I can't seem to get them under control.  Last week I was very depressed.  I just couldn't get my ass in gear.  I only got out of bed because I had to, I cried every day, I didn't want to eat and I didn't even want to deal with the kids.  I am consiously trying to make this week better.
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Bummed out.

Nov 09, 2010

I have had a couple of rough days.  My kids are making me nuts, I am trying to get through this semester at school, I miss spending time with my husband (we haven't even been out to dinner as a couple since January), I am super anxious about my consult in 2 weeks at St. Joe's. 

I am just not in a good place mentally right now.  I am trying not to eat anything.  There is still a ton of Halloween candy in the house and it's calling my name.  I've been reading alot of the message boards and I am scared of the side effects of this surgery.  I am afraid of the unknown complications that seem to come up.  I don't want to live the rest of my life in pain but I don't want to live the rest of my life obese either.  

I need to turn off my brain now.
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Another Halloween is upon us.

Oct 31, 2010

Well here it is, October 31st.  With this special day comes the candy. It is my weakness, the source of my endless self loathing and the reason I feel like a failure.  I thought it was bad before when I had to buy the candy in order to have it in the house.  Well now I have 2 little "trick or treaters" who will be bringing tons of candy into this house.  I am trying to be strong because I know that I won't be able to eat this stuff forever.  Whether I have the surgery or not, I am sure diabetes is in my imminent future.  

I will get through this day, I will not forbid myself from eating candy but I will have restraint and not punish myself emotionally.

Happy Halloween to all!
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My last (Thanksgiving) supper?

Oct 12, 2010

This past weekend was full of family, friends and FOOD.  Lots of delicious, fattening, glorious food.  As I was sitting at the dinner table last night to enjoy my second day of Thanksgiving with my family I couldn't help but wonder how different next Thanksgiving will be for me.  What will I be able to eat?  Is pumpkin pie a thing of my past?  Do I really need to associate the happiness of that day with food?  I am going to have to change the way I associate things with food.  Holidays, moods, rewards, even punishment.  It will all be part of changing myself physically.  My brain needs an overhaul as well.
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About Me
Sudbury, XX
Location
26.7
BMI
RNY
Surgery
05/30/2011
Surgery Date
Mar 04, 2010
Member Since
Before & After
rollover to see after photo
Smiling, but not happy.
359lbs
6 years later...enjoying every day!
190lbs
Friends 62
Latest Blog 40
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