trustno1

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

So I just posted something and saw my quitting smoking ticker which includes (roughly) how much money I've saved. $66!!  That doesn't include my hubby's smokes either.  Being VERY conservative, I just did some math - between the 2 of us quitting smoking, the reduction on groceries after surgery and particularly the reduction on take out (just my part) I think the surgery will pay for itself in less than 2 years, even with the lousy exchange rate.  That's pretty awesome! 

T :)

Ok, so I KNOW all the reasons to do it, apart from the fact I have to if I want Dr. A to perform the surgery (his insistance).  So when I put out my last smoke at 3:30 a.m. on January 1st, I knew this was a good thing.  I would have been smoking for 20 years come June 1st.  Ridiculous considering I'm only 32! 

None of those reasons compares to a craving however.  In some ways, the now 5 days since I've quit have been much easier than I thought they would be.  I thought it would be more intense most of the time.  Thankfully that's not the case.  And it seems unlike most people, day 1 was the hardest for me.  I think I went through most emotions in the book that day - including crying for no discernible reason.  And the cravings, OMG, the cravings.  I've occasionally had to go several hours without smoking before (even close to 48 for one surgery I had) and I have NEVER EVER experienced a nic fit like I did on day 1 - several times!  That was brutal.  That is also the only things that has kept me from cheating.  I don't really ever need to go through that again, and certainly not before surgery.

The other problem is I miss it.  I LIKED to smoke.  I enjoyed it. 95% of the time, I was a proud, happy smoker.  I was telling hubby now that I'm past the point of being thisclose to willing to kill someone for a smoke, it's actually a little harder - because it's no longer I NEED to smoke - I really WANT to smoke.  And I've gone without paying my rent on time, buying food, or whatever, in my poorer days, just so I wouldn't have to deny my want.  I'm all about the instant gratification baby, and not having it SUCKS.  REALLY REALLY SUCKS.  (yelling intentional!)

Also not loving the havoc it's wreaking on my already lousy sleep patterns - the most interesting side effect is when I'm falling asleep, I CAN'T (for ages, over 2 hours last night) because everytime I'm about to, I, despite being supine in bed, I assure you, have the sensation of falling asleep sitting up somewhere that I shouldn't, like the bus or the subway and my head jerks itself, and boom, awake again.  I thought at first it was the Tylenol PMs I was taking.  So I didn't take any last night and yup, still took me 2 hrs+ to fall asleep.

On the upside, the food I keep stuffing my face with to get over the damn cravings and insatiable hunger, despite the fact that I'm gaining weight, at least I know THAT will be under control in 24 days!  Thank goodness for food and gum.  And pop.  Not quite done with the Diet Decaf Pepsi yet.  I believe I have 3 16oz bottles left in the house.  After that, I'm not sure when I'll be giving them up.  I was thinking eons before surgery but frankly, between the smoking and slowing way down on the caffeine, I think I'd like to keep one vice that won't hurt me until surgery.  Maybe I'll give it up with the preop diet I have to start on the 23rd, maybe not.  But frankly, while YES, this is my choice and YES I definitely want the VSG - giving up smoking, drinking alcohol (for a while), pop (for a while if not forever), caffeine (for a while), yummy foods (for a while) - I think in the long run, waiting til the last minute to give up my DDPepsi, well, it won't kill me or hurt me.

Don't get me wrong - I'm as prepared as I can be (I don't think anyone is TRULY prepared for how much a liquid/mushie diet sucks, and I've actually done it before due to throat surgery 8 years ago!) for the post-op diet/eating plan/whatever you choose to call it.  I'm sure, like most of us, I really can't wrap my brain around actually only eating a few oz of food at a sitting.  It's hard to explain, because of course, I understand it, I just can't picture it!  I really can't picture not being able to chug a drink (pop/water, not booze!), eat a bag of chips, have a bowl of ice cream.  Most of all, what I truly can't wrap my brain around is not giving a shit about the fact that I won't be able to do all that!  Not caring about food, or the quantities of food boggles my mind.

I so very can't wait to be sleeved!  Is it January 30th yet?!?

T :)

for my sleep apnea to disappear
to have energy
to cross my legs
for my (suspected) PCOS to disappear, and all the lovely symptoms that accompany it (facial hair, acne, skin tags GALORE, though the no periods isn't THAT bad lol)
for everyone elses view of me to match MY view of me - I'm always surprised when I see myself in the mirror!
to not be so embarrassed in a bathing suit that I only go in once or twice a summer - and for longer than 2 minutes to cool down
to not be embarrassed to be in the bathing suit to also tan a bit
for my allergies to maybe improve - they seemed to only kick in when I started gaining weight - hope springs eternal ;)
to have more of the urge to "play scrabble" (as one of my fave msg boards calls it) with my hubby - more often and better would be awesome ;)
to have enough energy and stamina that maybe having kids would sound more appealing
to be able to keep up with my toddler niece this summer when we take her for weekends
to not feel horribly guilty when I put something yummy (and therefore "bad" for me) in my mouth
to enjoy shopping for clothes
to NOT enjoy shopping for food ;)
for hubby to be proud to have me on his arm - or for me to perceive that he has no reason to NOT be proud - I've never asked him, nor will I ever
to be able to walk more than 2 minutes without getting slightly out of breath - that's probably both the weight and the smoking, but still
to get those "looks" and whistles from men (and hell, women too! lol) again - it's been way too long
to not hate myself and what I've become
to look like I never really have
to not hide from cameras
to be able to buy clothes from ANY store, even if they don't carry plus size
to be able to wear clothes appropriate to my age - not WAY too young or WAY too old
for my husband to be able to pick me up (comfortably)
if my tummy doesn't look horrendous, or after PS, I'd love to get a navel ring
maybe, just once, be the thinnest person in the room, instead of the fattest?
to have a lot less back pain - 100% is impossible, I have spina bfida in 1 or 2 vertebrae
to enjoy walking the dogs (in reasonable temperatures - all bets are off over 90F or under 32F)
to wear a tucked in shirt and not have my lower tummy announce my arrival
when I spill food (like at EVERY meal) for it to land on my lap
very catty (but I can't help it!) - see the reactions from 2 particular people who I'm not telling about the surgery.  Neither are obese but both have tried to lose weight and they both tend to be very self-righteous about any and all topics. To see them pick their jaws up from the floor and not know what to say will be the cherry on the sundae ;)
paint my toenails properly
go to a water park and not feel ashamed
to never again be referred to as the "pretty, fat girl"

to be happy

So, Susan let me know tonight that Dr. Alvarez approved me, and that the date I wanted was available, and has in fact penciled me in.  So YAY!!! for that!!  Small problem though - they don't take credit cards.  It's not a huge deal, it just means that I'll have to take all my available cash (as opposed to just most of it) and have hubby write me a credit card cheque for the difference.  Somehow though, this kind of deflated me.  I guess now it makes it real, and the worries about how much my MIL is going to send us for the RRSP (similar to 401K) in February.  I'm guessing enough to cover most of what I'll be taking from my tax cash, and worse comes to worse, I'm going to try and put as much as I can back before April 30th.  I suppose if it comes to it, I'll just have to do a payment plan with the gov't if I end up short on my taxes.  I wish we could just ask her how much she's sending, but then we'd have to explain why.  And right now, only my parents and hubby know about the sleeve. 

My mom (and probably dad but I haven't talked to him) isn't happy that I'm self paying as medicare will pay for it - but with a crazy long wait.  I can't stand waiting!  I know she's not against the surgery at all, just the self pay, and somewhat nervous about MX.  She wasn't nasty at least, but I recognized the unhappy tone of voice, usually reserved for my idiot brother and his habit of making babies (2nd on the way) that he can't afford. Like I told her though (nicely, don't worry :)) it's my life and she doesn't have to approve.

For now, and possibly forever, I don't plan on sharing the news with anyone else, including my bro and SIL.  Or any of hubby's family.  I have some friends that would be supportive, but there's no way of telling them without the unsupportive ones finding out.  And one in particular I see every single weekend from May-October (camping) and I KNOW that I'll never hear the end of it.  She is of the type that her opinion is fact.  An example: I decided to feed my dogs raw meat.  After extensive research, (and losing 2 kibble fed dogs very young a month apart Fall 07) I have decided that this is the healthiest thing I can do.  She DOES NOT like this.  If it comes up in conversation (which I try now to avoid) she tells me how bad it is.  She supposedly "looked it up".  I don't know where, how, or what she looked up - but I tried even googling "why raw feeding is bad" and couldn't find anything but websites in support of raw feeding.  She even got pretty nasty during one convo - and this is based on her OPINION.  (I doubt she looked a damn thing up).  So I can only imagine her response to me purposely having 80% of my stomach cut out.  Before you tell me to stop speaking to her, it's so not that simple - other than seeing her all the time, she's also my BFF's (who I'm not so sure is really my BFF but that's another story) mother.  And they have trailers I could spit on from mine at the campground - and none of us are selling them any time soon.  So I have to play nice :(

I suppose anyone who asks will be told I'm watching what I eat and exercising.  I guess the only time they may question me is when I'm eating - which thankfully doesn't happen all that often.  That's actually a big reason I'm dipping into funds I REALLY shouldn't rather than waiting to see what we get from MIL - the further out from surgery I am by summer, the better.  Apart from the fact that I'm alone during the week at the trailer w/o a car (I don't drive anyway) and want to secure in my eating habits, I want to be on "normal" food by then.  Also, I should be able to eat at least a little more a few months out - hopefully enough that it's not terribly noticeable.  Explaining the lack of drinking might be a little more difficult as it's everyone's favorite pasttime there, and I've been known to overindulge in the past ;)  I guess I'll master nursing my wine!

Actually I think the hardest time I'll have hiding it is when I HAVE to visit my MIL.  I should mention I really don't like her.  I love the money she sends but she doesn't really like me - I took her baby boy away and she hates that.  Thankfully she moved about 9hrs away a few years ago so I only see her when she insists on visiting - only twice since she moved, thank goodness.  But as my FIL passed away last month (that I'm sad about - he was a lovely man and nice to me!) I will have to go to the memorial service she postponed til May.  And we're spending a weekend there.  And my MIL is German, born and raised and firmly believes in any gathering including at least 3 cakes and everyone sampling a piece each, preferably 2.  Lots of coffee and booze too.  And I can't get out of going :(  I guess I'll have to say I've been down with a gastro (stomach flu) all week and just barely able to eat by the time I arrive.

Guess I should cut the novel short now.

T :)

Yeah, so I have no patience... since signing up 2 weeks ago, and starting to look into VSG about 2 days before that, I've gone from going through our provincial healthcare system to actually convincing my hubby we should use money we don't really have to spare to get the surgery done in MX.

This was decided after scouring the web for info on the local doc I wanted to use and finding out that his 12 month wait in May, has gone to 12-18 months, and probably closer to 2 years since he was forced to cancel some surgeries recently, due to the hospital giving his OR time to non-elective surgeries. 

So now I'm waiting to hear back from Susan to see if Dr. Alvarez approved me.  If he does, I'm hoping to book my surgery for the end of January or beginning of February - and even that feels like forever!!  But I know that I need the time - I need to kick smoking, caffeine and diet decaf Pepsi in 1.5 months - not quite sure how that's going to happen.  I did tell E. (hubby) tonight that I'm not going to wait until the last 2 weeks (Dr. A's rule about quitting - 2 wks pre-op latest) to quit, especially when I'll have to do a 1 wk pre-op liquid diet.  Told him if that happens he may want to move out for a while! LOL  Unfortunately he agreed ;)  What sucks is I don't think I have enough time to drink all the pop I bought on sale 3 weeks ago, grrr.  Oh well, E. will just have to drink it!  I decided to wait until after the holidays to kick smoking and pop, but while I'm off for Xmas I think I'll stop the caffeine so I can clear the headaches.  Mind you, I stopped to post a question about kicking caffeine, so maybe I'll change my mind on that :)