Sparks

Mar 04, 2013

What happened to my "spark” - That energy within me that drove me to want more out of life? I feel like I have been in a fog for the past few years.

I consider myself a creative person, an artist at times... But when was the last time I did anything artistic? I barely put an effort into my appearance anymore. I've accomplished a few things in life I should be proud of. Getting a college degree, having my own apartment, my career... But it doesn't seem "enough." There is a part of my brain that has to belittle every accomplishment until it has lost its shine. Me: "I have my bachelor's degree!”... My subconscious: "but you're not utilizing it, you should have gotten better grades, you picked the wrong major..." and so forth.

What I want to do is figure out how to shut that negative asshole inside my head up. Or at least, turn the volume down. I want to find my purpose, my happiness, my contentment. I don't want to live my life with anger, aggression, and anxiety. Too many times I've come close to losing it at an inappropriate moment for an inappropriate reason. Too many times I've actually caused a scene/fight over something unimportant. I need to learn how to stop living in a place of reaction, and start living from a place of peace.

Meryl Davids Landau summed it up pretty well, "stuff that used to be fun grates me like nails on a chalkboard. I can't seem to gin up a passion about anything." That is a feeling I know all too well, and it goes hand in hand with depression. Sure, I am clinically depressed. But - I'm much better than I was in the past. I function. I survive. But now I need to learn how to get my groove back. Get my sparkle back. And not just survive... But THRIVE.

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