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Highest Weight: 284
Surgery Weight: 266
Current Weight: 225 (-2)
Total Lost: 59 lbs

Highest Weight: 284
Surgery Weight: 266
Current Weight: 227 (-4)
Total Lost: 57 lbs

I tested the waters.  I was a bad girl. 

And, like I thought I may, I dumped.

And I don't plan on testing the waters anytime again.

I ate the top of a dunkin donuts coffee cake muffin.  It is pure sugar.

It was delicious.

But the effects I felt after negated the deliciousness of the muffin top.  I did not have a horror story dumping experience like I've read about.  It started about about 10 minutes after I ate the muffin top.  I started feeling really hyper aware and awake (we were on the drive back home from family - a 4.5 hour drive), then "blah", then nauseous, then the nausea got worse.  And worse.  I felt like I was going to puke at any second, and may have felt better if I did.  But I didn't.  The really bad nausea lasted about a half hour, the whole 'experience', before I started feeling normal again lasted about an hour.

As I was eating the muffin top, I knew I was not doing what I was supposed to be doing.  I also know people go months, years(?) without testing the waters to see if they dump because they are super careful.  I have been that way, but I saw an opportunity - of course, not necessarily the best time as we were in a car on the interstate, but I digress.  I wanted to try it.  I did and my pouch, or the RNY, won.  I "got" what I was asking for.

So, I am not likely to try that, or something sugary again anytime soon.  I know that even though you may dump on one thing, you may not dump again, and if you don't dump once, you may the next time.  Gonna stick to plan, and maybe in another couple months I will push the envelope again, I don't know.  But for now, I am happy for the surgery, "happy" I dump and still on track.  Although I have been eating a lot of carbs lately.  Stupid winter.

Highest Weight: 284
Surgery Weight: 266
Current Weight: 231 (-3)
Total Lost: 53 lbs

I don't know what it is, but since I've been back to work fullish time (still only doing about 7 hours, 7.5) I go poop every day while I am at work.  I don't eat anything different, protein first, veggies, carbs (in that order) and drink my 64+ oz of water everyday.  It is still kind of painful to poop - been that way since a few weeks post op when constipation set in for me.

I have a couple theories.  I am more active now that I am working, constantly getting up and walking up and down halls, as opposed to sitting in my chair most of the day.  I also drink more water when I am work - 2 32 oz nalgene bottle's worth, PLUS my protein shake made with milk PLUS usually about 16 oz's before work plus whatever drink at night.  So I am sure that is helping a lot too.

But I really noticed this week, now that I am back to work, I am going pretty much everyday now instead of every 3 days.  Now only if I could remember to drink as much on the weekends and remember my calcium at meals, I will be golden!

Was better than the first, but still will take some getting used to.  I went to lunch with a couple friends today to Longhorn Steakhouse.  I haven’t tried actual steak yet, so I thought it best to stick to chicken – something I know agrees with me.  I sit down at the table and the helpful waiter comes over and asks if I want something to drink, and I politely decline.  He asks if I am sure and if I just want water or something…. Um, no, I am pretty sure I didn’t want anything.  So I tell me lunchmates I am not able to drink fluids 30 mins before and after a meal, so it’s not really worth getting anything (although from here on out I may just order a water just so I don’t have to deal with constantly saying no!).

Well, it comes time to order, and I chose a chicken dish with a salsa on top.  He asks if I want any sides and I say no - it said it came with rice, but you need to apparently ask for it, so he asks me again if I am sure and looks at me like I have 4 heads for not ordering a side oe 2, because he says, it comes with 2 sides you know!  I just should have ordered rice and veggies, but also know in restaurants, especially chain ones, they are prolly drizzled in some sauce or butter or something.  Still looking at me funny, I ignored him and he finally left.

It was a bit interesting to see how the ‘fill your plate’ mentality is and when you deviate from that, people act a bit wonky.   My friend had fries and I didn’t even give them a second thought, which is a good sign I suppose.  The chicken was good, but I think was more beaks and elbows as it wasn’t horribly lean.  It may have been a little fattier than I would have liked but it was still good and pure protein in my bellah.  As I got the check, the waiter asked me if I had enough to eat, as I asked for a doggy bag.  Let it go, man!  It’s okay!  I don’t need to stuff my face or eat to make you happy!

Highest Weight: 284
Surgery Weight: 266
Current Weight: 234 (-4)
Total Lost: 50 lbs (woohoo!)

I really thought once I had surgery, I would be able to handle all the people that I know that are having babies and/or are pregnant.  Although, with my much younger cousin about to become a father this month, my much younger sister in law going to have her baby in December, my coworkers wife going to pop any day now, my other co worker in December, and a smattering of acquaintances due in January or some other time in 2009, I am starting to have a hard time handling it.  Sure, it's only a year we have to wait (technically 18 months) and it will go by fast and "our time will come".  I can't tell you how friggin sick of hearing "our time will come".  I friggin know it will, but it doesn't help the odd emptiness I am feeling now.  Those words are NOT comforting.  I am also sick of hearing, "You're next!"  Because, well, I'm not.

Sure I have enough on my plate right now, with dealing with my weight loss and massive pain in my body.  I know now is not the right time for me physically, but that just pisses me off even more.  Just like everything else, we have to wait just a little bit (or a lotta bit) longer than everyone else it seems.  Sure it's a good thing we are married and have a solid foundation.  Of course it's good we have our house and can do what we need to do to get it where we mostly want it.  And we both (knock on wood) have stable jobs.  So, uh, isn't this the best time to bring a child into our family?  Seems like it, which makes waiting even harder.

Lets end with a few cliche's to "help" me feel better.  'It will be so worth it when it happens!', 'It WILL happen!', 'Enjoy your alone time together!', 'At least you don't need to buy diapers!', etc and so on. 

Sometimes I wish I didn't have this stupid surgery.  It seems to be holding me back more than anything right now.  Talk to me in 6 months and maybe my tune will have changed, but right now, everything sucks.

But freaking exhausting.  Still battling my wound (changing up the packing type because surgeon is impatient and not happy it's not healing fast enough) so that makes me extra tired, but today was just exhausting.  I walked about 2 miles today outside on a rail trail and although it wasn't hiking exactly, it was slightly more than a leisurely walk.  Especially since I was walking with 4 other men for work who take long strides.  Add to that my crazy foot and ankle RA pain and I was one unhappy camper.  I really need for my wound to heal so I can start taking my RA meds again - I can't now because they depress the immune system and can cause, and accelerate infection.  THAT I don't need anymore of.  But being in pain is really sucky too.  I limp all over the place and besides the pain know I look funny.  People ask me what happened so I have to tell them I twisted my ankle, lie basically because the whole story is too much for people to care about.

Besides that, I am doing well.  Started losing more than 2 lbs this past week (even though 2 lb loss is still loss and good) which made me happy.  I am thinking once I go back to exercising this month I will lose more per week.  But who knows!  Of course, it will be difficult with the ankle and foot pain since I can't really limp and exercise at the same time - and putting all my weight on it hurts too much.  Just gotta try I guess.  Wish I could take my old trusty anti-inflammatory to help with pain and swelling.  Between being off that and my other RA meds - and DEFINITELY NOT wanting to up the dose of my prednisone, I am in bad shape.  Makes me really question this surgery sometimes.  I have to stay positive though, otherwise I won't get through this.  I will, it will just take a little more time....

As far as eating goes, I am on my Stage 5, aka the last stage of the program aka REAL FOOD.  Knock on wood, I haven't found anything that disagrees with my yet, or I can't tolerate.  I still need to get lots of protein in, more than the usual post op just to help with healing of my wound.  I need to focus on tracking my foods on the daily plate, too.  I have always been so bad at tracking throughout all my 'diets'.  I had my first slip up with eating too much of the wrong thing the other night - we have reduced fat ritz crackers in the house so I ate a bunch when I was a little bit hungry.  Then when dinnertime came, I ate some more, but with canned tuna.  The crackers were just empty carbs and filled up the space I needed to fill with protein.  I had a craving and knew I shouldn't have eaten so many crackers (although it was FAR less than I would have eaten if I hadn't had the surgery) so I did feel bad, but scaled back the next day.  I still will face these issues "head hunger" and all the other reasons people eat - boredom, emotion, etc.  I think once I start going to the post op support group meetings my hospital program holds I'll have the constant reminders that I really need to change my behaviors.  And I have for the most part - a hell of a lot better than before, but still not perfect.  I probably won't ever be perfectly good.  I just want to get down to a normal size and still enjoy food.

This brings me to my last thought about food.  Since surgery (6 weeks) I have had 2 run ins with cake.  One at each baby shower I have been to.  The first one was hard, I really wanted some, but was only a month out and knew I couldn't and shouldn't have any, so I didn't.  The second time was this week, and was similar to the first, but was at work so really knew I couldn't eat any for the same reasons.  But also, I was at work and people know I had the surgery - how the fawk would that look?  I wish someone didn't put the piece of sicky sweet smelling cake in front of me, but I got over it pretty quick.  And now the leftovers are in my office and I pass it everyday, multiple times because it's at the front desk, and I have to walk around it to go to and from my desk.  Long story short, I wanted cake, but know I can't have it again - at least for a long time.  Maybe in moderation someday, but it's still too soon.  Not to mention I would probably dump on it.

Who ever said this was the easy way out needs all the facts.  This shit is hard.

Highest Weight: 284
Surgery Weight: 266
Current Weight: 238 (-4)
Total Lost: 46 lbs