Disappointments and Blessings

Even at this moment, I am not entirely sure how to put all of the chaos in my head onto a screen.  I want so much to express the fears, but I also fear that by admitting them, I am admitting that I am not worthy to have this surgery.  I shall start a little earlier in my process:  at first, I was striving and aiming for the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy.  Before any of this began, it was the only surgery that made me feel completely at peace with the idea of having a surgery to help me fight the disease of obesity.  It was not fully removing a piece of me or fully interfering with my natural biological processes.  Also, there was the benefit of losing the weight a bit slower allowing somewhat of a catch-up period while the weight was coming off instead of it coming off so drastically, throwing my entire system (mental, emotional, and physical) into complete shock.  Before I set up any appointments, I switched my Tricare Prime insurance over to John Hopkins US Family Health Plan because I was under the firm impression that it would cover the VSG.  I spoke to insurance agents, the surgical coordinators, etc... to verify and all had given the thumbs-up.  Therefore, I proceeded with all of the classes and evaluations that one has to go through in order to be considered for surgery. All was well to be submitted, and all I had to do was wait for the "go ahead" from the insurance company.  On Valentine's Day, I was informed that the VSG would not be covered by it.  I made the phone calls that I was supposed to make sure what they said was true, I looked it up for myself and as it would seem, for the last eight months, I had been committing more and more each day to VSG lifestyle only for it be confirmed that I would not be having that surgery - not unless I wanted to pay for it myself.  All of that was interrupted.  I only had two choices:  RNY or LAP Band.  Both of these surgeries terrify me.   It took therapy, pow-wows with friends, prayers and break-downs for me to decide on getting the RNY, because I can survive it, because it will help me get my weight loss journey started, because.....I need to.  I'm 400 lbs.  I need the help.  Now that the decision has been made, I have heard so many different WLS horror stories and success stories, and all it has done is make the butterflies in my gut swarm like angry dragons.  Am I looking for a sign?  I am terrified that I will break it.  I'll break the surgery, I'll break my commitment, break my success, break my mental capacities.  I don't want to fall apart.  I want to be able to make this my life's work and my goal.  What if I am remorseful of losing my stomach and never having it back?  What if I regret losing all of the weight because I will no longer be the person I am from a lifetime of obesity?   Am I ready? And if I am not, then when will I be?  I want to begin to live my life the way I need to, the way I want to, and I will never be able to do that trapped under this boulder called my 'body'.  So much in my head that I wish I could make sense of.  The truth is that, even after support groups, i still feel alone. 

And while all of this chaos is clustering in my brain, I am also ecstatic about being able to finally live!  I cannot wait to walk without pain, use the toilet the way I am supposed to, fly in a plane, use a seatbelt, ride a rollercoaster, bathe in a normal-sized tub, walk up a flight of stairs somewhat comfortably, wear a pair of jeans again.....the list goes on and on.  I am ready to climb a mountain and jump from a plane, to experience this vast world the way it deserves to be.  I think this very thought is what brings the chaos to sort of a calm.   Needless to say, my surgery is in a little over a week.  All that is left is the appointment with the anesthesiologists and the surgeon, the fasting, family flying in to be with me....SO MUCH HAPPENING, SO QUICKLY!  Has it really been a year since I made this decision?  Is it really happening?   I would love anybody's perspective, I think it will be comforting and helpful, I hope. 

Hi,

I am so sorry you had to go through all these hoops.  However, I am extremely happy you are moving towards a better life.  The road will be a challenge but you will have tons of support if you want it.  As you go towards the surgery, set up your support systems now. I mean your nutritionist, counselor, workout program, and support group.  Having all this set up and working will help you transition to the other side.  I wish......... surgery also healed the brain, but it doesn't.  As you are well aware, that is where the battle is.  Keep in mind that this is going to be a whole body healing process and the whole body needs to be addressed, worked with and changed.  Developing a new and healthy relationship with food will be a process that will give you the power you need to succeed. 

Keep us posted.

I think you have done a great job of putting it all down and it sounds like you have done lots of thinking on this journey. The stomach is not actually removed in the RNY surgery but the pyloric valve is no longer functional-I think that might be what you are meaning. In the vsg surgery the valve stays but the large part of the stomach is actually removed from the body. When I had my surgery the rny was what I wanted because I needed the extra help of malabsorption To get weight loss started. I have been obese my whole life and on diets since junior high and am 53 years old. I had surgery six months ago and weighed 253 on the day of surgery. Today I weigh 159. I have gone from a tight size 24 to a comfortable size 6 or 8. Preop I was out of breath going down my basement stairs and now I walk close to 4 miles a day and am walking my first 5k in three weeks. I feel like I truly have gotten a new life-one I never had before. It is work but work you can do one decision at a time. Hang in there you can do this and we are here to help.

On the brighter side, the RNY is a surgery that is the most common of any other procedure, so there is loads of information for you as well as your medical team, wherever you go.  Also, at your weight, odds are you may not have reached your goal without a malabsorptive content to wls, which you can only get with the RNY and DS.  I see many VSG patients make their way to a DS a couple of years later for yet, another surgery.  I'm sure others are getting RNY's, too.  I have, however, seen many RNY's reach their goals from your starting weight.

Now, being on TriCare, I assume you either work for the military or are the spouse of someone who is.  There is one last ditch option for VSG, which would be to find a VSG surgeon at a military hospital if you have access to one.  I know a gal who got the DS that way.

If not, you'll do great.  Start learning everything you can on how to be successful.  

The VSG would have been highly unlikely to get you to anywhere near a normal body weight. After a while you would always be guaranteed to have given up or to be fighting for a DS so that you would have malabsorption.

It is the malabsorption for the first years after RNY that makes the big difference.  Malabsorption is like a bridge that will allow you to get over to the same playing field as people who are not obese.  After the first years of fairly rapid weight lose, you will then have a digestive system that is similar to VSG.  You will then maintain your weight loss with diet and exercise alone as most of your malabsorption will be ended.

With RNY you should be able to lose over 200 pounds during the first two years.  That is not too rapidly for your body and mind to keep up.  There is a period of somewhat rapid loss at the beginning but that will taper off after the first six months when you can expect about 100 pounds of loss.  The rest of the weight will take diet and exercise.  You will have plenty of work to do in learning how to eat, live, and play like a person of normal weight.

The horror stories that you read about RNY complications are really rare occurances.  Most people go through will no complications.  The operation's success has to do with the way you live after the surgery.  If you make up your mind to eat properly, get enough water, enough exercise and be happy and successful, you will have already won most of the battle.  You have made the right decision and you will not be sorry,

It sounds like you are ready for this journey to continue on to the after phase and I am so happy for you. Congrats on your decision for the RNY and for taking the steps to get healthy.

Can't wait to hear your surgery story!

Michelle

Your fears are actually normal for most people, especially since you surgery date is closing in. Keep yourself busy to keep your mind from dreaming up all kinds of things designed to drive you bug whack and keep you up at night.

I cleaned my whole house and repainted my entire kitchen during that last week. It also helped me survive the preop diet.

Good luck,

Sue

Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement, and most importantly, advice.  It means so much to me.  Of course, it feels so great to know that my thoughts and fears are unoriginal.   I will keep my profile up-to-date and not think twice about coming here for moral and emotional support! 

With all my love,
Alicia

You do understand your facts are wrong to start with, RNY is a gastric bypass, it does not remove any body parts, they are still all left in your body, the VSG does cut out and discard a portion of your stomach.  Maybe that helps.  I am nearly 8 yrs post RNY and living life as a size 6 is like a literal mountain has been lifted off my shoulders.  I saw an episode of House last night and it was pretty snarky toward wls, but the bottomline for the patient was reverse her gastric bypass and go on a high sugar, high fat diet that would guarantee recovery from her mystery disease or try a drug treatment, that had the odds of limited success but not have to reverse her surgery.  She chose what hey called the vain option of keeping her surgery intact and trying the drugs.  This really proved to me that society has no concept of how physically painful being MO is,  honestly I lived 20 yrs MO and now I live with constant chronic arthritis pain, if I gain even a couple of pounds my body hurts more.  That is not vanity it is quality of life.  The greatest benefit to me was walking out of the hospital off my diabetes meds, which is why I had the surgery in he first place, to not die like my mother at 61 taking 5 shots a day and still being out of control.

Yes.  I know that my former thoughts were wrong.  I only stated them in the previous way I was thinking, before RNY became an option.  Choosing the VSG was the naive attempt at making me feel better about having surgery, as opposed to beating myself up for not being able to do it on my own.  You're right, this life is not a life.  It's a hell.  I would much rather live my life being able to walk even if it means being called "vain".  (I saw that episode a couple of years back- talk about the mind blow it had on my psyche.)  Thank you, so much, for your advice.  It's much appreciated.