Still Thinking

Feb 10, 2010

 I am still unsure of what to do.  It is now less likely that my parents will self pay, meaning that any future WLS will probably have to come from my future job insurance.  That is a little upsetting because, well, I'm ready to start living now.  I feel like Jimmy Stewart in It's a Wonderful Life "I want to live."  Haha.  My plan has been to go to graduate school and get a Ph.D.  We're talking 5 years or so, then find a job and hopefully it will cover WLS.  I would likely be 28+ before I even got the surgery.  When you've lived all your life with a disability and figure out you can fix it, 6 years is too long.  Some of the lovelies on the 20s board suggested part time employment that would cover it.  I am seriously considering that.

I also have been thinking about my motivation behind WLS.  I am sure there is a right and wrong reason to want it.  Does doing something for the bad reason always make it bad?  Like I started volunteering not because I'm this wonderful humanitarian, but because I thought it'd look good on my resume and help me to get scholarships.  That is horrible reasoning!  And yet, there I was helping out same as someone with a "good heart."  Some of my reasons for WLS are pretty shallow, I guess.  I mean, obviously, first and foremost I want to be thin.  I have NEVER been thin.  No one has ever encouraged me to eat more or said "you're so skinny."  I've never been able to shop in any store.  I remember being a little kid and having to choose clothes from the "pretty plus" section...they WEREN'T pretty.  And I remember the hurt I felt when Christmas or Easter came and all I could wear was a tight-fitting pretty plus trashbag.  I can't wear boots or even a lot of shoes.  Skinny jeans...what are those?  Nothing fits me very well.  I can't cross my legs.  Seriously, you don't know what I'd give just to cross my legs.  I envy people who can.  I look at them and they look so relaxed, laid back, and comfortable.  Any time I sit down I feel like I have to do so stiffly or else I just look like a complete slob.  I haven't worn shorts in...gosh...8 or 9 years.  So, yeah, a good chunk of why I want to do this is so that I can have what so many other 22 year olds have.  Why is that so bad?

I also expect WLS to change my life in a roundabout way.  Let me see how I can explain this.  Weight did not make me self conscious.  Weight is a very clever enemy like that.  Weight has played mind games with me.  I hear that some people do not experience this. Lucky for them.  As a kid I had very little self-esteem issues.  Even today I'm like Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde about that.  On the one side I think I am totally awesome.  Honestly, it's disgusting how highly I think of myself.  I think I'm so cool, and pretty, and clever, and smart and accomplished.  But then...I've always had trouble making friends and I've never interested a single guy.  I don't want how others perceive me to be so damaging to my self confidence but it is.  So, while I still think very highly of myself, I have to ask...why don't they?  It can't be because they don't think me clever or interesting.  It must be because I'm fat.  The answer I've come up with may be the product of self-preservation, but there it is.  And, I have very little doubt that losing weight will gain me attention.  How could it not?  Like it or not, or society is very into looks.  I don't think we're all about looks but that is how we meet people.  Yeah, I think there are great, deep people out there and yada yada but you have to admit that looks count.  And that's a whole other issue (maybe I'll broach at the end, maybe not).  Again, why is this a bad reason for getting WLS?  Sure, not every thin person is a people magnet or gets asked out all the time.  My thin sister doesn't have to lay out reasons why she deserves to be thin.  She just is.  Why can't I?  I'm not asking for a miracle cure-all, I just want weight to be a non-factor.  Maybe I won't make friends, but I don't want to wonder if it's because of my weight.  Maybe I won't meet guys, but again, if I were thin I'd be one step closer to knowing what it is.

I guess what I'm saying is:  I'll figure it out.  Just like any other thin 22 year old would have to, I'm going to have to deal with things.  I just don't want to have to deal with weight and dieting and failing at it again.  And, along the way, being able to wear normal clothes, sitting in any chairs/airline seats comfortably, wearing boots, getting attention, being able to cross my legs are all perks.

Now, obviously, I do care about health concerns.  I am lucky to not have too many health concerns right now.  I've always had bad asthma and so does everyone else (big or small) in my family.  I would rather nip any future problems in the bud.

Maybe my rationale is wrong.  But my point remains:  I deserve to see what life is like as a thin person, good or bad.  Also, life will undeniably be different at half my weight.  Probably, better.  I do realize that I have to be careful from thinking that everything will change to good.  

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